Overcoming a swearing problem

[windytown]

Any tips for one who has overcome a swearing problem? My husband swore only once when we were dating, and rarely when we were first married. His parents/siblings never swear. When our 3rd child arrived life got more stressful. For about three year we got woken several times a night with this child's screaming night terrors. My husband started swearing in the night every time he got frustrated, and now it is a habit and he swears a lot. Mostly the s word. It really bothers me and I ask him to stop but he said it makes him feel better to vent by swearing. I also am sad that my kids hear it and worry that they'll pick it up as they get older. I even swear sometimes too (not very often) but I think part of the problem is I hear it so often. How can this problem be overcome? I've suggested praying/scriptures but my husband says he doesn't have time (he does but I think lack the desires to do so). I'm really sad about this. 

Any suggestions.

[Jane_Doe]

If it is a habit of expression yourself that way, what needs to be done is to replace the bad habit with a good one.  Find better ways to express frustration/other emotions, and implement them.  Replacing the bad is much more successful than just trying to stop the bad.  

[Guest]

I will admit to having an ongoing on and off swearing problem myself, so if anyone has any advice i would love to hear it!

I think a good first step to shoot for is to try and first confine the profanity so no one can hear it.  Having a daughter helped me in this regard, as i don't want her to hear me say a bad word then repeat it at school.  Any profanity is wrong, but it is a lot worse if others can hear it.

A good second step is to remember that every time you swear, it is a sin and it makes things harder on Christ who had to pay for our sins.  This realization helped me cut back a lot - it just isn't worth the cost to let out a good swear, even when you are angry.  Punch a pillow instead.

Third, don't listen to music with a bunch of swearing in it!  Many years ago (before my mission) I used to listen to questionable music of the rap variety (i know, i know), and i think it contributed to my problem.

Fourth, cut blasphemy out first.  All profanity is wrong, but blasphemy is absolutely horrible.  If you have a profanity problem, this is a good place to start.

So anyhow, those are some ideas.  I still sometimes slip and swear (primarily when i am suddenly surprised and startled, like having a sudden blowout on the highway), but it is much better than it used to be.

Edited December 24, 2016 by DoctorLemon

[Guest]

One more thing - not praying and not reading scriptures is a MUCH bigger and more dangerous problem than having a swearing habit.  Focus on that first, because your husband is a sitting duck for all kinds of sin if he is not praying and reading scriptures.

I bet profanity will largely fix itself once he gets this stuff in order.

Edited December 24, 2016 by DoctorLemon

[Bad Karma]

2 hours ago, windytown said:

Any tips for one who has overcome a swearing problem? My husband swore only once when we were dating, and rarely when we were first married. His parents/siblings never swear. When our 3rd child arrived life got more stressful. For about three year we got woken several times a night with this child's screaming night terrors. My husband started swearing in the night every time he got frustrated, and now it is a habit and he swears a lot. Mostly the s word. It really bothers me and I ask him to stop but he said it makes him feel better to vent by swearing. I also am sad that my kids hear it and worry that they'll pick it up as they get older. I even swear sometimes too (not very often) but I think part of the problem is I hear it so often. How can this problem be overcome? I've suggested praying/scriptures but my husband says he doesn't have time (he does but I think lack the desires to do so). I'm really sad about this. 

Any suggestions.

Oh do I know your pain, and I STILL have a swearing problem. I spent some time as a Drill Sergeant in my two decade military career, I can swear for five minutes straight without repeating myself. I've been struggling for a few years now in growing a G RATED mouth, especially around my Scout Troop and youngest son. My wife swears often too, it makes me wince when she does. 

I keep asking for blessings about it, I've gone to the bishop about it, that said, since I have started making a concentrated effort to stop, I don't nearly swear as much as I used to and substitute g rated stuff for the bad stuff. Still, it's a problem of mine. One of those things I don't like about myself. 

 

[Bad Karma]

Just to add some levity to the subject, here's a clean funny song about it.

 

Dang, Fetch, Oh My Heck by Everclean/Sons of Provo

[Guest MormonGator]

I curse all the time in my private, offline life so when you find out the solution please share with me. 

[zil]

1 minute ago, MormonGator said:

I curse all the time in my private, offline life so when you find out the solution please share with me. 

The moat is almost complete.  I plan to throw you in it each time you swear.  I figure eventually you'll learn.

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, zil said:

The moat is almost complete.  I plan to throw you in it each time you swear.  I figure eventually you'll learn.

If you don't hear from me in a few months, you'll know she attached the cinder block to my ankle this time! 

[Guest]

@windytown

I do have a partial cure.  In his case, if he applies it correctly, it may be a full cure.

The reason I say it is a partial cure is that I have Coprolalia (AKA the swearing symptom of Tourette's).  Some joke about it.  I actually have it.  The thing is that it became common enough that I was cussing even when it was not connected to an outburst.  Because I recognized the difference, I knew I had to at least address those times I was swearing "normally".

Here's what I did:

1) I had to decide when it is appropriate and when it is not. I know many Mormons will say it is never appropriate.  But I have reasons for thinking otherwise which I won't go into at this time.  But I've decided that it is inappropriate to swear around my kids, around church and temple services, etc...

2) Then I began to pay attention to what triggers there were for my cussing.  I made some actual written lists.  Other triggers I kept in my head.

3) I then made a list of what came out of my mouth and developed an alternative expletive.  Some were just plain silly nonsense.  Others were highly erudite phrasings that complicated my speech.

4) I practiced them over and over again until they became second nature to me.  I imagined the triggers occurring and I'd practice sayings out loud until it was my new reflex.

The thing is that your husband is right in part.  It does actually relieve stress to vent via swearing.  What he doesn't know is that it will feel just as relieving to use other expressions that come just as easily.  The thing is that the cussing is something that is done easily and without much thought.  So, whatever it is that he chooses to replace it with must also come just as easily to his mind and tongue as cussing currently does.  That takes a LOT of practice.

Examples:

Penguin Poop

Aardvark Antlers

Bovine Excrement

Hippopotamus (yes, this is a long one in and of itself)

Son of a Nerf-herder (This was inspired by Star Wars)

Yak Entrails.

Sometimes, I'll admit, I simply cuss in a foreign language.  I'm a polyglot. "Bovine Excrement" is little better than that, actually.  My goal is that I'll do these so commonly, that even my Coprolalia outbursts will also be made up of these meaningless terms.

Edited December 28, 2016 by Guest

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I think the main issue here is that you have told him you are uncomfortable with him swearing in front of you AND the kids...and he doesnt stop.  He could at least make an effort to not swear in front of you guys. Why he wont do that is the real issue here. Its a habit, or its a good release are lame excuses, he could make more of an effort to be considerate of you and the kids...so why won't he?  He's the only one that can answer that.

[Backroads]

My husband is a ranch boy and in the army, so he has a mouth. He recognizes it's poor form, but hasn't ended it.

On my part, I remind him if needed to watch out for present company. 

And then I let it go. I'm not condoning it, just not letting it be my problem.

[Fether]

Im no psychological expert, but it sounds to me that the swearing isn't the disease, but the symptom of maybe a lack of activity in the gospel. One can attend church every week and everything and still not be active in the gospel. "True doctrine understood changes attitudes and behaviors" (Pres. Packer). If someone is refusing the repent and progress, it is normally always becasue they don't understand (or lack the desire to).

If someone isn't doing the basics, praying and studying daily, they won't quit swearing (or really any other habit). 

If you don't think something is wrong, why quit?

Hope this doesn't come off as a judgment toward you or your husband. We are all on different areas of the gospel and all struggling with some kind of sin. And it isn't like God expects us to achieve a certain spiritual level in order to enter the kingdom of God, but what he does expect is for us to constantly be moving toward it till the day we die. But if you could just help your family start making a habit of study and prayer, the swearing (and many other struggles) will start to go away.

"And now, as the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just-yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else, which had happened unto them-therefore Alma thought it was expedient that they should try the virtue of the word of God" - Alma 31:5

[anatess2]

So... we had a couple college kids attend Relief Society last Sunday because of New Year - coming home for the holidays.  They were very active participants in the class and man... everytime they say "like" it is like fingernails on a chalkboard to my ears.  They say that word more often than linking verbs... I can sit through the dialogue of The Accountant (rated-R) without a problem.  But man, I had a hard time with the "like"s.  Disclaimer:  English is only my 3rd language and so I didn't grow up recognizing English curse words.  Curse words that bother me are in my native language.

So anyway... you'll need to teach your kids (and yourself) that just because they hear it all the time doesn't mean that they should repeat it.  Your kids will hear a lot worse in school or in the schoolbus or in the playground... etc.  It should bother their ears everytime they hear it even if they hear it all the time then they wouldn't repeat it.

As for your husband... tell him it bothers you everytime he says it.  Then leave him to his agency.  And yeah, the farther he is from Christ, the easier it is for him to ignore your requests to clean his language.  So, help him in that regard.

Just my 2 cents.

[NeuroTypical]

On 12/30/2016 at 6:36 PM, Backroads said:

On my part, I remind him if needed to watch out for present company. 

And then I let it go. I'm not condoning it, just not letting it be my problem.

Backroads gets it.  You're not asking for help with a swearing problem, you're asking for help with a "how can I get my spouse to change" problem.  That's very, very, very different.

Edited January 4, 2017 by NeuroTypical