Liking a Missionary (almost RM)

[seashmore]

Advice first, perspective later.

You've obviously looked at the situation from a romantic side, now try a rational side. What are your thoughts about putting in your own mission papers in a year? What's your five year plan? What's his? How closely do they align? Have you consulted your patriarchal blessing (or considered getting one)? If you need to talk it over with someone, try your brother. He will know you and your family, and might be able to give you some counsel.

To give my advice some weight: I'm a YW Leader (1st counselor) in my branch. I'm 31 and single, but my semi-active sister just got married at 17 (she'll be 18 in July) to a (barely) 19 year old Catholic Marine. She and her husband have been exclusive for three years. It's a pretty drawn out story, but suffice it to say it was right for them, and our dad was over the moon to walk her down the aisle.

 

[askandanswer]

8 hours ago, Carborendum said:

I know you're a lot older than many on this board.  But you may have heard of these new-fangled horseless carriages and a fancy things called aero - planes.

you need to keep in mind that NightSG is in Texas. Maybe these new fangled things are still a bit too fancy for Texas.   

[Latter-Day Marriage]

5 minutes ago, seashmore said:

 my semi-active sister just got married at 17 (she'll be 18 in July) to a (barely) 19 year old Catholic Marine. She and her husband have been exclusive for three years. It's a pretty drawn out story, but suffice it to say it was right for them, and our dad was over the moon to walk her down the aisle.

 

 

My wife was 19 when we married and I was 22.  It was right for us but none of my 4 daughters were anywhere close to being ready for something like that when they were 19.  It was actually kind of shocking to see them and think that is how old she was back then.  I'm amazed neither of our parents freaked out.

[askandanswer]

16 hours ago, alilc said:

I will try to keep this as condensed as possible. I am 17 right now about to graduate High School. 3 years ago, my EFY counselor told me about a young man she had the year previous at EFY and she told him to start messaging me, and so he did. We lived about 6,000 miles apart, across an ocean, but we really hit it off. We became best friends like that, and then we had some feelings for each other. Important: We have never met.....Fast forward a few months, he got his mission call and left in June of 2015. We email every Monday the whole 2 years. At first, he was super flirty and then it faded which I was totally okay with because the Gospel is the focus of his mission, not some girl. He is always so encouraging! So, he comes home tomorrow. I will not see him until the end of June but in his emails he tells me that he want's to see me, and go on dates. My question is; Do I just wait for him to message me or call me when hes ready? (Since he will be in RM mode) I was not going to message him until he did first, but I'm afraid he wont. I don't know, I would just really like advice on what to do. He is one of my best friends but I still have feelings there..... What to do?? I just am not sure how to feel. I AM SO EXCITED, but like, is he going to talk to me still? I didn't even email my brother that much on his mission....He is so special to me. They were the best two years of his life, and the best two of mine because of him, He strengthens my testimony every day. He is the reason I am so strong in the church because I was not before. Any advice? 

Just a few not very carefully thought out thoughts:

Make your own decisions about how you will live your life rather than having your life determined by someone else's decisions. While you are still single don't let your life be determined too much by someone else's decisions, eg, his decision about whether he will call or not.

I think the fact that he was writing you super flirty letters while he was on a mission would normally be a red flag, but because he stopped doing it after a while, then perhaps it is a yellow, not red, flag.

Nothing is real until you meet. Not even phone calls or video chats.

If you do meet the most important thing to watch for is how he treats his mother.

With you moving back to the States, and him finishing his mission, and then moving to Idaho, you are both going through some fairly significant changes, and will both need time to adjust, so perhaps you should both just take that time and take it slow. However, there is some risk that if you are too slow, somebody else might be a bit faster. On the other hand, my guess is that no other girl wrote to him every week while he was on his mission, so that should put you ahead of any competition there might be. 

I love the idea of dating your best friend - what could be better? Especially one who is so encouraging

You need to allow for the change and growth that has occurred while he was on his mission. Have you changed and grown as much as he has?

I would call today, the sooner the better. Keep it warm and friendly and welcoming and make sure he understands, in a low pressure kind of way,  that you are looking forward to meeting with him soon. I don't think I would go so far as to propose a date, but that's a very individual choice and entirely up to you. I hope you might be kind enough to share, in general terms, how the call went, like, in an hour or so. 

A short personal note from my own experience- I'm not a good example of waiting - I made sure that the woman I was interested in had something very like a marriage proposal waiting at her home address a few days before she finished her mission. Its quite possible that if it hadn't been there she would have continued her relationship with the boyfriend she had before her mission.

[NightSG]

14 hours ago, askandanswer said:

you need to keep in mind that NightSG is in Texas. Maybe these new fangled things are still a bit too fancy for Texas.   

I've seen Wall-E.  I know what happens to people who always depend on motors to get around.

[NightSG]

13 hours ago, askandanswer said:

I think the fact that he was writing you super flirty letters while he was on a mission would normally be a red flag, but because he stopped doing it after a while, then perhaps it is a yellow, not red, flag.

Just sounds like he got focused on the mission, and/or realized that flirting by mail while on the mission was really frustrating.

[Guest]

14 hours ago, askandanswer said:

you need to keep in mind that NightSG is in Texas. Maybe these new fangled things are still a bit too fancy for Texas.   

Hey!  Just you watchit with your vilifying Texas.  I live in Houston.  DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Hey!  Just you watchit with your vilifying Texas.  I live in Houston.  DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!

No one messes with Texas and gets away with it.  No one.

"It's a sort of threat, you see.  I've never been terribly good at them myself but I'm told they can be terribly effective."  - Slartibartfast, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Edited May 24, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Guest MormonGator]

12 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

No one messes with Texas and gets away with it.  No one.

26 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Hey!  Just you watchit with your vilifying Texas.  I live in Houston.  DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!

 

Texas is a great state. I don't think any other state in the union has citizens that are as proud of their home. Even the Texas liberals defend Texas to the death. 

I still prefer in my beloved Sunshine state. 

[askandanswer]

6 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Hey!  Just you watchit with your vilifying Texas.  I live in Houston.  DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS!

 

6 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

No one messes with Texas and gets away with it.  No one.

"It's a sort of threat, you see.  I've never been terribly good at them myself but I'm told they can be terribly effective."  - Slartibartfast, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Doctrine and Covenants 58:43 By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them.

Guys, I think its great that you're now both at the point where you've willingly confessed that you live in Texas, this is really good progress. I don't think this is something you need to be too ashamed about (at least, not all the time) and I, for one, am willing to forgive you. Now you just need to work a little on the forsaking part, starting by looking for somewhere else to live.
 

[Guest]

5 hours ago, MormonGator said:

Texas is a great state. I don't think any other state in the union has citizens that are as proud of their home. Even the Texas liberals defend Texas to the death. 

I still prefer in my beloved Sunshine state. 

It's OK, I don't actually care that much about Texas.  I was just looking for an excuse to quote Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

[Sunday21]

Ok,....So what is great about Texas? I live a world away....

[zil]

44 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

Ok,....So what is great about Texas? I live a world away....

Well, it's a great big state.

[Sunday21]

1 hour ago, zil said:

Well, it's a great big state.

But there must be something nice about it! For example, Connecticut, lovely and green. Clean and so cute! 

Vermont, lovely green hills. Cows. Very nice people. Cute quilts. 

Ontario. Toronto. NIce clean subway System. cheap for Americans. Nice museums. A shoe museum.

See? Isn't that fun? There must be something nice about everyone's state, county or province!

And it derails another thread so that's cool...?

[askandanswer]

7 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

Ok,....So what is great about Texas? I live a world away....

I think you've answered your own question. The great thing about Texas  (and maybe Texans) is that they're a world away.

[eddified]

On 5/23/2017 at 7:30 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:

My wife was 19 when we married and I was 22.  It was right for us but none of my 4 daughters were anywhere close to being ready for something like that when they were 19.  It was actually kind of shocking to see them and think that is how old she was back then.  I'm amazed neither of our parents freaked out.

My wife was a month younger than 20 years old when I got married. I was barely 24. My aunt (who is middle aged and never married) warned me that research showed that chances of staying together are much higher if both partners are at least 22 years old. She seemed pretty worried for me, and pleaded for me to reconsider marrying her since she wasn't the magical age of 22 yet. Well, 12 years later we're still happily married. And I wouldn't say it a was ever a rocky marriage either; her fears of us not being able to make it work seem unfounded to me. The takeaway: when it's right, it's right, regardless of research. There may be wisdom in the "22 year old" age guideline but it shouldn't be a rule. 

[eddified]

Hey if you've never been to Texas, don't rag on it  

I grew up in Texas and it's a fine place (well, parts of it are, at least) but you won't find me among the group of people asserting it's the best state. I'm open minded when it comes to which is the best state. I lived in CA and there are some things I really like about it. Currently live in Utah and love it (certainly not perfect but I do love it). 

My favorite Texas city is Austin. What a great place to visit!

[eddified]

A blind man vists the state of Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." 

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." 

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. 

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[Latter-Day Marriage]

3 hours ago, eddified said:

My wife was a month younger than 20 years old when I got married. I was barely 24. My aunt (who is middle aged and never married) warned me that research showed that chances of staying together are much higher if both partners are at least 22 years old. She seemed pretty worried for me, and pleaded for me to reconsider marrying her since she wasn't the magical age of 22 yet. Well, 12 years later we're still happily married. And I wouldn't say it a was ever a rocky marriage either; her fears of us not being able to make it work seem unfounded to me. The takeaway: when it's right, it's right, regardless of research. There may be wisdom in the "22 year old" age guideline but it shouldn't be a rule. 

We recently had our 28th anniversary and it has never been close to being a rocky marriage.  I have an older sister that married at 19 and it was a rocky marriage the first several years but they got through it and are still together.  It really depends on the individual, some are ready at that age, many are not.  I knew it was right for us.  The most clear, direct and powerful personal revelations I've had in my life all have to do with our meeting and getting married. 

[Guest]

My exposure to German culture suggests that they think marrying before you're 30 is nuts. That this conversation is happening surprises me.

[alilc]

I am not German. I just live here. I am from utah. 

[anatess2]

On 5/24/2017 at 7:03 PM, Sunday21 said:

Ok,....So what is great about Texas? I live a world away....

Chuck Norris.

'Nuff said.