Liking a Missionary (almost RM)

[alilc]

I will try to keep this as condensed as possible. I am 17 right now about to graduate High School. 3 years ago, my EFY counselor told me about a young man she had the year previous at EFY and she told him to start messaging me, and so he did. We lived about 6,000 miles apart, across an ocean, but we really hit it off. We became best friends like that, and then we had some feelings for each other. Important: We have never met.....Fast forward a few months, he got his mission call and left in June of 2015. We email every Monday the whole 2 years. At first, he was super flirty and then it faded which I was totally okay with because the Gospel is the focus of his mission, not some girl. He is always so encouraging! So, he comes home tomorrow. I will not see him until the end of June but in his emails he tells me that he want's to see me, and go on dates. My question is; Do I just wait for him to message me or call me when hes ready? (Since he will be in RM mode) I was not going to message him until he did first, but I'm afraid he wont. I don't know, I would just really like advice on what to do. He is one of my best friends but I still have feelings there..... What to do?? I just am not sure how to feel. I AM SO EXCITED, but like, is he going to talk to me still? I didn't even email my brother that much on his mission....He is so special to me. They were the best two years of his life, and the best two of mine because of him, He strengthens my testimony every day. He is the reason I am so strong in the church because I was not before. Any advice? 

[Guest]

What do you mean? "What do I do?"  You're really making this more difficult than it needs to be.  The mission and all the history are superfluous.  Ignore everything else.  It simply boils down to 

There's a boy asking you out on a date.  You have a 6,000 mile barrier between the two of you.  If you're willing and able, overcome that barrier and go out.  If you're not willing/able, don't go out with him.

[anatess2]

I have a simple piece of advice.  If you want something bad enough, go get it.  Don't wait for it to drop on your lap.  I am, of course, talking about righteous things.  And, exploring a potential eternal companion is a righteous thing.

But, you're only 17 years old.  Very very young.  I will add the advice that you first need to figure out what you really want to do with the rest of your life before you go chasing after some guy.

Just my 2 cents.

[Just_A_Guy]

I agree with @anatess2.  By law he's an adult, and you're not.  Keep it on the back burner until you're 18.

[zil]

37 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

I agree with @anatess2.  By law he's an adult, and you're not.  Keep it on the back burner until you're 18.

Yeah, I'm thinking dad will be a bigger barrier than anything else - he may struggle not to kill the RM...

[alilc]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

What do you mean? "What do I do?"  You're really making this more difficult than it needs to be.  The mission and all the history are superfluous.  Ignore everything else.  It simply boils down to 

There's a boy asking you out on a date.  You have a 6,000 mile barrier between the two of you.  If you're willing and able, overcome that barrier and go out.  If you're not willing/able, don't go out with him.

True. true. I'll see him next month. I just want to be friends with him right now but I'm just confused on how to act. 

[alilc]

13 minutes ago, zil said:

Yeah, I'm thinking dad will be a bigger barrier than anything else - he may struggle not to kill the RM...

 

53 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

I agree with @anatess2.  By law he's an adult, and you're not.  Keep it on the back burner until you're 18.

Oh yeah I know. But we can be friends and if something happens and feelings grow, can my parents approve?

[Just_A_Guy]

5 minutes ago, alilc said:

 

Oh yeah I know. But we can be friends and if something happens and feelings grow, can my parents approve?

Theoretically I suppose so; but just how far from 18 are you?  I don't know your parents, but most dads I know wouldn't be happy about their daughters being engaged whilst still a minor.

Edited May 23, 2017 by Just_A_Guy

[Guest]

27 minutes ago, alilc said:

Oh yeah I know. But we can be friends and if something happens and feelings grow, can my parents approve?

You said that you're separated by 6,000 miles.  Is he in Alaska or Hawaii?  Or is he in another country?

The reason that is important is that a different country will have a different age of majority (age where you're considered legally an adult) and ages where parental consent has different conditions.

Edited May 23, 2017 by Guest

[NightSG]

6 hours ago, alilc said:

What to do??

Research and preparation; http://bestreviews.com/best-rowing-machines

6,000 miles of ocean is a long way.  Even if you meet halfway, you're going to need to be in shape.

Edited May 23, 2017 by NightSG

[alilc]

1 hour ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Theoretically I suppose so; but just how far from 18 are you?  I don't know your parents, but most dads I know wouldn't be happy about their daughters being engaged whilst still a minor.

September is when I then 18.

[alilc]

51 minutes ago, NightSG said:

Research and preparation; http://bestreviews.com/best-rowing-machines

6,000 miles of ocean is a long way.  Even if you meet halfway, you're going to need to be in shape.

We were. Now we we'll be 3 hours apart 

[alilc]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

You said that you're separated by 6,000 miles.  Is he in Alaska or Hawaii?  Or is he in another country?

The reason that is important is that a different country will have a different age of majority (age where you're considered legally an adult) and ages where parental consent has different conditions.

He was in Texas before he left and I'm in Germany. But I move to Utah in less than a month and he is moving to Idaho 

[NightSG]

Just now, alilc said:

We were. Now we we'll be 3 hours apart 

That's still a long bike ride if you don't train.  Remember he's had two years of cycling and walking, so you might have some catching up to do.  I'd recommend the Gravity Liberty CX for a good combination of light weight and reasonable durability, though what racks and bags you'll need depends on how much you want to carry on the date.

http://www.bikesdirect.com/products/gravity/liberty_cx.htm

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Theoretically I suppose so; but just how far from 18 are you?  I don't know your parents, but most dads I know wouldn't be happy about their daughters being engaged whilst still a minor.

Aren't we jumping the gun just a bit?  All he did was ask a girl out on a date.  Just because he's an RM does NOT mean it's going to mean marriage.

[NightSG]

3 minutes ago, alilc said:

He was in Texas before he left and I'm in Germany. But I move to Utah in less than a month and he is moving to Idaho 

Well, then as soon as he sees the error of his ways and decides to return to civilization, he can pick you up on the way.  I hear Utah to central Texas is mostly downhill and a pretty touring ride.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, NightSG said:

That's still a long bike ride if you don't train.  Remember he's had two years of cycling and walking, so you might have some catching up to do.  I'd recommend the Gravity Liberty CX for a good combination of light weight and reasonable durability, though what racks and bags you'll need depends on how much you want to carry on the date.

http://www.bikesdirect.com/products/gravity/liberty_cx.htm

I know you're a lot older than many on this board.  But you may have heard of these new-fangled horseless carriages and a fancy things called aero - planes.

[NightSG]

2 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

I know you're a lot older than many on this board.  But you may have heard of these new-fangled horseless carriages and a fancy things called aero - planes.

Well, sure.  If they just want to lounge around on the couch eating pork rinds until they die in their 40s from obesity related issues, those things will work.  I'm going on the assumption they'd like to spend some real quality time together in this life.

Besides, if they honeymoon is a coast to coast bike tour, you can spend the rest of the marriage laughing at little challenges. (And, of course, planning more bike tours together.)

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Nothing wrong these days with the girl making the first move.  Might be a good to test to see how he would react to something like that too.  Chances are as a fresh RM he is attracting other female attention so you might not want to wait.

You are however 17, so your dating should follow youth rules, not YSA rules.  When/if you date, make it a double date with another couple.  I met my wife when she had just turned 15 and I was 17.  We didn't date at first, we met at church dances and youth activities.  When she turned 16 I was 18 and we double dated.  We didn't date one on one until after we were both YSA age.

We were also a long distance relationship.  At first we were in neighboring Stakes and lived about 100 miles apart, right after we had our first date her family moved 1000 miles away, then I went on my mission the year after that and was 3000 miles away.  Her family moved again the same time I finished my mission so then we were a 6 hour drive apart from each other.  It wasn't until after we were engaged that we managed to live in the same city.  We still have all the letters we wrote each other, and I think we got to know each other in ways we wouldn't have if we lived close to each other the whole time, but don't assume that is the case for you. 

Don't lose your head, keep your eyes open.  It is easy to idealize somebody you haven't spend much time with and project onto them what you want them to be.  We don't often expose our flaws and our negatives in the letters we write, we put our best self forward so while you might know lots about each other, there is also a lot you still don't know about each other.  Take your time, get to really know each other.  What is he like when he is angry, frustrated, hurt?  How does he react when provoked?  Things like that don't make it into letters.  Given your age, you have lots of time.

[alilc]

24 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Aren't we jumping the gun just a bit?  All he did was ask a girl out on a date.  Just because he's an RM does NOT mean it's going to mean marriage.

Yeah, havent even met him yet haha.

[alilc]

5 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

Nothing wrong these days with the girl making the first move.  Might be a good to test to see how he would react to something like that too.  Chances are as a fresh RM he is attracting other female attention so you might not want to wait.

You are however 17, so your dating should follow youth rules, not YSA rules.  When/if you date, make it a double date with another couple.  I met my wife when she had just turned 15 and I was 17.  We didn't date at first, we met at church dances and youth activities.  When she turned 16 I was 18 and we double dated.  We didn't date one on one until after we were both YSA age.

We were also a long distance relationship.  At first we were in neighboring Stakes and lived about 100 miles apart, right after we had our first date her family moved 1000 miles away, then I went on my mission the year after that and was 3000 miles away.  Her family moved again the same time I finished my mission so then we were a 6 hour drive apart from each other.  It wasn't until after we were engaged that we managed to live in the same city.  We still have all the letters we wrote each other, and I think we got to know each other in ways we wouldn't have if we lived close to each other the whole time, but don't assume that is the case for you. 

Don't lose your head, keep your eyes open.  It is easy to idealize somebody you haven't spend much time with and project onto them what you want them to be.  We don't often expose our flaws and our negatives in the letters we write, we put our best self forward so while you might know lots about each other, there is also a lot you still don't know about each other.  Take your time, get to really know each other.  What is he like when he is angry, frustrated, hurt?  How does he react when provoked?  Things like that don't make it into letters.  Given your age, you have lots of time.

Can you Private message me somehow? Id like to talk about this more.

 

[anatess2]

2 hours ago, alilc said:

Yeah, havent even met him yet haha.

Okay, now that I have a few more bits of information, here's my final jeopardy advice.  Calm down, child. 

Okay joking aside.  I suggest to remove all notions of romance out of the equation.  Then work at establishing a life in the US, meet lots of people, make lots of friends, enjoy Americana, and keep in touch with him through text/phone/social media as friends until you can arrange a meet and greet... add him to your group of friends and get to know him well.  When you've seen him angry, sad, mad, happy, snot running down his nose, held down a promising job, interacted with a puppy, and his mother... and you still like him, then ask him to be your boyfriend.  By then you'll be 21 with a few adult life experiences under your belt.

That's my final answer.

 

 

[NightSG]

3 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

When you've seen him angry, sad, mad, happy, snot running down his nose, held down a promising job, interacted with a puppy, and his mother... and you still like him, then ask him to be your boyfriend.

This assumes she's looking for a boyfriend.  She's in Utah, so she's looking for a husband, and thus needs to make sure he has her ring size before they meet, and that their first date is in or near a mall with a good jeweler.

[anatess2]

1 minute ago, NightSG said:

This assumes she's looking for a boyfriend.  She's in Utah, so she's looking for a husband, and thus needs to make sure he has her ring size before they meet, and that their first date is in or near a mall with a good jeweler.

So we're in the mission field out here in Florida but I'm sure Utah still teaches line upon line, precept upon precept... right?  Right??? 

[NightSG]

8 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

So we're in the mission field out here in Florida but I'm sure Utah still teaches line upon line, precept upon precept... right?  Right??? 

There are still women who won't go past the third date without a ring.