Looking for advice, not judgement

[Dillon]

I wonder if I could chime in, not judging of course.  Can your husband help the fact that you dont feel attractive around him? Is this his fault?  Sounds like to me he does everything he can to make you feel special. Is it because of the porn?  Has your resentment killed the passion?

[The Folk Prophet]

For what it's worth: The idea of giving advice without judgment is a theoretical impossibility. How can one advise if one hasn't made a judgment on how to advise?

[JoCa]

1 hour ago, The Folk Prophet said:

For what it's worth: The idea of giving advice without judgment is a theoretical impossibility. How can one advise if one hasn't made a judgment on how to advise?

In my experience, when someone says don't judge me, in general what they really mean is I don't want anyone to tell me that what I've done is bad thing.  And in general when people say they just want to be accepted they mean not only do not want anyone to tell me what I've done or am doing is a bad thing, I want people to agree that what I'm doing is a good thing.

[The Folk Prophet]

2 minutes ago, JoCa said:

In my experience, when someone says don't judge me, in general what they really mean is I don't want anyone to tell me that what I've done is bad thing.  And in general when people say they just want to be accepted they mean not only do not want anyone to tell me what I've done or am doing is a bad thing, I want people to agree that what I'm doing is a good thing.

I'd probably soften that up a bit for reality's sake (putting things in terms of "bad" makes things that, sometimes, are not so extreme sound quite extreme).

[In Idaho]

On 9/24/2017 at 1:54 AM, JohnsonJones said:

There was a post above that you made which indicates, if a post gets too long, you cease to read it. 

It isn't that I don't read long posts. I just don't take people's opinions into my life if they are the kind of people who just want to get a rise out of others which is what that guy was doing. You are not doing that, so I gladly will read what others have to say

[In Idaho]

On 9/23/2017 at 11:23 PM, Bad Karma said:

Holy smokes! 

Glad I'm not your Bishop, I'd be really sad about all of this. I'd be really hounding the stake president and my counselors about what to do about this very much in peril marriage, how to bring you both lovingly to repentance and save a marriage.

Tell me, are you and your husband sealed? 

BTW, I am **NOT** a Bishop, nor do I play one on TV, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn once. 

 

Haha thanks for the humor. And yes, we are sealed... ?

[Latter-Day Marriage]

2 hours ago, JoCa said:

In my experience, when someone says don't judge me, in general what they really mean is I don't want anyone to tell me that what I've done is bad thing.  And in general when people say they just want to be accepted they mean not only do not want anyone to tell me what I've done or am doing is a bad thing, I want people to agree that what I'm doing is a good thing.

Recognition of wrongdoing and genuine regret are the first two steps to healing a relationship with God or with your spouse.
http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-2-recognition-and.html

[Guest MormonGator]

2 hours ago, JoCa said:

In my experience, when someone says don't judge me, in general what they really mean is I don't want anyone to tell me that what I've done is bad thing.

Yup. In general, when someone says "Don't judge me" that usually (key word, usually) means "I know I'm doing something wrong." You never hear "Don't judge me, but I'm faithful to my wife." or "Don't judge me, but I have never broken the word of wisdom." 

[anatess2]

2 hours ago, In Idaho said:

It isn't that I don't read long posts. I just don't take people's opinions into my life if they are the kind of people who just want to get a rise out of others which is what that guy was doing. You are not doing that, so I gladly will read what others have to say

See here is another example.  You judged whoever responded to you as someone who just want to get a rise out of others.  He wasn't.  You just didn't like what he was saying.  So the claws came out.  I believe this is a deep-seated defense mechanism.  It is hurting you.  A marriage counselor, or even just a regular psychologist would be able to dig this one out from its roots and put some sunlight to it. 

[In Idaho]

4 hours ago, anatess2 said:

u judged whoever responded to you as someone who just want to get a rise out of others.  He wasn't.  

If that's what I was doing I would've gotten upset with most comments on here. Agree to disagree

[mrmarklin]

On 9/18/2017 at 12:16 PM, In Idaho said:

I have been cheated on in the past and I will tell you, what he's doing with pornography feels the exact same as when I was cheated on. Maybe it's not that same feeling for everyone when their spouse has a porn problem, but it feels the exact same to me. I'm not saying which sin is worse because honestly I feel that is completely up to Heavenly Father and I do think situation plays a role in everything so he will decide in this circumstance.

You need to consider your son. Go back to your husband until your child is 18 and try to have a normal life, despite your lack of passion. Don't be selfish. 

 

If your husband is trying to work on his problems he doesn't seem like that bad a guy in other aspects. 

I personally don't think a make out session is worth the angst of confession to anyone. But don't do it again.  You don't know what the consequences of such a confession may be.  Don't risk it  

 

You owe to your child as much normal family life as possible. 

[anatess2]

10 hours ago, In Idaho said:

If that's what I was doing I would've gotten upset with most comments on here. Agree to disagree

You misunderstood me.  I wasn't talking about all that responded.  I was talking about that specific person that responded who you said just wanted to get a rise out of you.  I believe it was @JoCa or @Grunt.  Nobody who responded to you on this thread wants to get a rise out of you.  They simply have their own perspective/advice for the situation but you did not like what they said so you took your claws out.  

This was my point.  Something happened to you that causes you to perceive situations as so threatening that you get so defensive you attack.  I believe this is something deep seated and may be the root cause of your problems with the marriage, especially your reaction to the pornography issue that caused you to retaliate by cheating on your husband.  Finding a resolution to the porn and the adultery is great.  But if I'm right about the defensiveness, this is just going to manifest itself again when another problem pops up.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

5 hours ago, mrmarklin said:

I personally don't think a make out session is worth the angst of confession to anyone. But don't do it again.  You don't know what the consequences of such a confession may be.  Don't risk it 

Bad, bad idea.  I had a girlfriend who made out with another guy behind my back and hid it from me.  It hurts as bad as she slept with him.  All adultery happens in the heart first, then later in the bed.  She made it partway towards the bed but all the way in the heart.  What she did was a deep betrayal of her marriage.  It is a sin and she ought to talk with her Bishop about it and confess to her husband.

Edited September 26, 2017 by Latter-Day Marriage

[Dillon]

1 hour ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

Bad, bad idea.  I had a girlfriend who made out with another guy behind my back and hid it from me.  It hurts as bad as she slept with him.  All adultery happens in the heart first, then later in the bed.  She made it partway towards the bed but all the way in the heart.  What she did was a deep betrayal of her marriage.  It is a sin and she ought to talk with her Bishop about it and confess to her husband.

yep,  the wife would be livid if she found out he did that. A make out session is many times seen as not a big deal if you were the one doing the making out,  but try the other side of it and see how it feels.

[In Idaho]

3 hours ago, anatess2 said:

You misunderstood me.  I wasn't talking about all that responded.

I was talking about that one person as well. So I believe I did understand you which is why I said if that was the case and I took offense to it in the way you said, then I would have reacted that way to everyone who said something that hurt me, which I didn't react that way to everyone, so your statement isn't applicable

Edited September 26, 2017 by In Idaho

[anatess2]

6 minutes ago, In Idaho said:

I was talking about that one person as well. So I believe I did understand you which is why I said if that was the case and I took offense to it in the way you said, then I would have reacted that way to everyone who said something that hurt me, which I didn't react that way to everyone, so your statement isn't applicable

So you're saying that you don't normally respond with claws when somebody says/does something that hurt you?

So, just to dig a bit deeper on this... what's the reason why you titled the thread, "Looking for advice, not judgement"?  Instead of just saying, "Looking for advice."?

 

[In Idaho]

14 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

So, just to dig a bit deeper on this... what's the reason why you titled the thread, "Looking for advice, not judgement"?  Instead of just saying, "Looking for advice."?

Valid question. Simply because I know what I did was wrong and I didn't want a bunch of people commenting and telling me things I already know. I just wanted my questions answered. I looked through and saw how some people reacted and commented on other posts who had done something sinful and that wasn't what I was looking for. I knew it would still happen, but I hoped that it would be less than what others got. I believe it has been less.

[In Idaho]

18 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

So you're saying that you don't normally respond with claws when somebody says/does something that hurt you?

And yes, there have been lots of things on here that have hurt me. So no, I don't usually respond that way

[Grunt]

4 hours ago, In Idaho said:

And yes, there have been lots of things on here that have hurt me. So no, I don't usually respond that way

So, what steps have you taken?  Repented?  Spoken to the Bishop?  Your husband?

[Guest MormonGator]

7 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

Bad, bad idea.  I had a girlfriend who made out with another guy behind my back and hid it from me.  It hurts as bad as she slept with him.  All adultery happens in the heart first, then later in the bed.  She made it partway towards the bed but all the way in the heart.  What she did was a deep betrayal of her marriage.  It is a sin and she ought to talk with her Bishop about it and confess to her husband.

Yup. If I told @LadyGator that I just "made out" with another girl, she'd start packing her bags. 

[Dillon]

13 hours ago, MormonGator said:

Yup. If I told @LadyGator that I just "made out" with another girl, she'd start packing her bags. 

I've had a woman cheat on me and leave and then find out I was now dating another woman so she comes to my house upset and fighting mad that I was dating another woman. I've had a woman leave and then try to come back and reconcile, but she found out I had dated a few times so she left for good, said she could not be with me now. Well come to find out this woman had slept with at least 2 men and actually moved one in with her for a short time.

[JoCa]

On 9/25/2017 at 5:38 PM, In Idaho said:

It isn't that I don't read long posts. I just don't take people's opinions into my life if they are the kind of people who just want to get a rise out of others which is what that guy was doing. You are not doing that, so I gladly will read what others have to say

Pot-calling the kettle black with regards to judging?? Pre-judge much? Nothing I said was in any way a malicious intent to "get a rise out" of you.  Yes, I was blunt, yes I was direct, but it wasn't out of a desire to hurt, but out of a desire to help you recognize the significant damage you have done to your marriage, to yourself and the offense you have committed against God.

[anatess2]

1 hour ago, Dillon said:

I've had a woman cheat on me and leave and then find out I was now dating another woman so she comes to my house upset and fighting mad that I was dating another woman. I've had a woman leave and then try to come back and reconcile, but she found out I had dated a few times so she left for good, said she could not be with me now. Well come to find out this woman had slept with at least 2 men and actually moved one in with her for a short time.

Dillon, I have to acknowledge that this post is a well-expressed post.  I feel for you, dude.

[JoCa]

19 hours ago, In Idaho said:

And yes, there have been lots of things on here that have hurt me. So no, I don't usually respond that way

I'm not quite sure you understand . . you might and I'm totally wrong, if I am I'd be glad to be wrong.

There are two types of sorrow for sin.  One type of sorrow is the worldly sorrow or the "oh crap, I just did something bad" where we catch ourselves and are "sorry" that we got caught. This is one type that can eventually lead to the other type. The other type is Godly sorrow; this is an incredibly deep, gut-wrenching experience where we realize and recognize what we have done offends God.  In that type of sorrow, what other people have done to us doesn't matter, the reasons why we committed the sin doesn't matter, the only thing that matters is that we have offended the very Being who created us and gave us everything.

11 And the angel spake more things unto me, which were heard by my brethren, but I did not hear them; for when I heard the words—If thou wilt be destroyed of thyself, seek no more to destroy the church of God—I was struck with such great fear and amazement lest perhaps I should be destroyed, that I fell to the earth and I did hear no more.

12 But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.

13 Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.

14 Yea, and I had murdered many of his children, or rather led them away unto destruction; yea, and in fine so great had been my iniquities, that the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.

15 Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds.

 I personally in my life have felt this; while I don't know what Alma went through, I know what I went through and let me tell you to experience something close to this is absolute utter Hell. To wish to become extinct due to the awfulness of you sin.  When you go through something like this, honestly you don't care about what the "punishment" from the Bishop is . . .b/c quite honestly there is no "punishment" from the Bishop or the Church that could possibly be worse than the above . . .nothing. 

The only thing that matters is that you have offended God and you will do anything He requires of you to get back in good standing with Him; in other words it is only through the Atonement of Christ that allows us to come back into His presence. 

Now, I'm not saying you have to go through this level, but true repentence is a total change of mindset and attitude. . . . but from what I have seen in your words (and I hope I'm wrong), but I haven't seen a recognition that what you did offended God.  You say you made a "huge mistake" and you "feel horrible".  That is quite different than a recognition that you have done something that has offended God. 

I am not your Bishop, and you should go see your Bishop and only he is authorized to be the Judge in Israel . . Judge how, well he doesn't forgive sins (only God can do that), but he Judges whether one understands and is on the path to repentance. Any type of "punishment" (and really it is discipline) is given out of a desire to help disciple the individual in understanding how to truly follow Christ.

Edited September 27, 2017 by JoCa

[Dillon]

16 minutes ago, JoCa said:

Pot-calling the kettle black with regards to judging?? Pre-judge much? Nothing I said was in any way a malicious intent to "get a rise out" of you.  Yes, I was blunt, yes I was direct, but it wasn't out of a desire to hurt, but out of a desire to help you recognize the significant damage you have done to your marriage, to yourself and the offense you have committed against God.

Thank you anatess, lets just say I had a bad run for awhile.   But this I love. Be careful about being blunt and honest and direct. Some dont take it very well,  especially if they think you are attacking or judging.  Some here want to confess some wrong doings and then want you to pat them on the back and tell them its ok and they did nothing wrong and your husband should understand and forgive you, this after you had several "passionate petting and make out sessions" with another man, no biggie right?  and this after you find excuses to justify your lack of passion for your husband.