Confession Guidelines

[MorningStar]

I was just discussing this with a friend. Have there been any lessons on what is appropriate to ask those who come to confess to the bishop, especially when it's young women? Or has it been addressed how she should handle it if the questions seem inappropriate? I don't really want to discuss personal experiences here, but I remember in Young Women's being told how wonderful it is to go to the bishop and repent, how you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, but we were never told what kind of questions we could expect or what would be an example of crossing the line just in case something inappropriate happens. A counselor friend of mine has a theory that many women who go inactive do so because they are too afraid to take the step to talk to the bishop about a transgression, especially if they have been abused by men. I could see how a woman could have a phobia of telling something very personal to a man and maybe it would help if they knew exactly how much detail they would have to go into. Maybe?

I appreciate your input. :)

[NeuroTypical]

A counselor friend of mine has a theory that many women who go inactive do so because they are too afraid to take the step to talk to the bishop about a transgression, especially if they have been abused by men.

First and foremost, here is what the Strength of the Youth pamphlet has to say about abuse:

Victims of rape, incest, or other sexual abuse are not guilty of sin. If you have been a victim of any of these crimes, know that you are innocent and that God loves you. Seek your bishop’s counsel immediately so he can help guide you through the process of emotional healing.

Ok. As to guidelines, again, this comes from Strength of the Youth manual:

You always need to confess your sins to the Lord. You should also confess your sins to those you have wronged. If you have committed serious sins, such as immorality, you need to confess them to your bishop.

For that matter, the entire pamphlet is worth reading over and over. You can find it at lds.org --> Gospel Library --> Support Materials --> Youth Support Materials --> For the Strength of Youth.

LM

[Moksha]

This is one of those internet subject areas that have many anecdotes ranging from the young women's feeling to questionable behavior on the part of various Bishops. While it is a potentially touchy subject, it is one that should receive some attention.

[~Sarah~]

Best person to ask is probably your Bishop.

[DrewM]

A person I baptized in the mission was asked by her bishop (while preparing to go on a mission) if she had ever in her life done the "M" word. (you know what I mean). Turns out, he later made advances toward her and was released.

Funny thing is, that sort of question often comes up with young men about to leave on a mission.

[MorningStar]

A person I baptized in the mission was asked by her bishop (while preparing to go on a mission) if she had ever in her life done the "M" word. (you know what I mean). Turns out, he later made advances toward her and was released.

Funny thing is, that sort of question often comes up with young men about to leave on a mission.

I don't think the question "Have you ever _______" is OK because if it was repented of, then it shouldn't be something a person should have to talk about. I appreciate how my bishop asks, "Is there anything you haven't repented of that should've been resolved through priesthood authority?"

I have a strong testimony of repentance, including confession to your bishop, but I also know that sometimes there are some bishops who end up using their position to take advantage of people or victimize them. I would like to teach my kids wholeheartedly that they can trust their bishop and go to him when they are struggling, but I would also like to teach them what kinds of questions are appropriate and necessary during the repentance process - that they can say, "Hold on. I am not comfortable with that question." If there were something in writing that everyone in the church had access to, I think it would make it more difficult for the rare stinkers to get away with it. I know that the bishop needs to know the level of seriousness of what you've done, but probably for a woman especially, it is extremely uncomfortable to give details. I know that repentance is difficult, but I'm not talking about the difficulty of the remorse you feel for what you've done, but the worry that what you're telling him is becoming more about fulfilling a curiosity for him.

As an example, if a young woman goes to her bishop to confess that she has engaged in heavy petting, is that all he needs to know for her to repent? Or is it necessary for him to ask if she "enjoyed" it? To me, that question seems unnecessary and probing. "How many times?" could also feel very uncomfortable, but I understand that if she did that once and came in immediately to repent or if it had an ongoing thing for 6 months, that might determine what course of action to take. If he says something that crosses the line, she might feel like she has to answer it.

Anyway, I don't know if this sort of thing has been addressed with the youth, but they should feel like a burden has been lifted off of them when they repent - not like they have been violated, especially for those who were victimized by others and built up the courage to finally confess. Actually, I think this would help everyone. I have no idea what bishops are told to ask when a confession is made.

[Guest prnldsfrms]

I think it is wise to tell youth (and adults) that they are free to ask the bishop why he wants them to do something or answer something, anytime they feel uncomfortable. And if they want their parent or their home teacher to accompany them, or to call them in the middle of an interview that is okay too. They can also go to the stake president with any concerns they have with a bishop. Basically people need to know that they are NOT required to blindly follow their leaders, no matter what the leaders are doing. And they need to know that if they go to the meeting fasting and after personal prayer, it will be easier for them to distinguish uncomfortableness with the sin, from uncomfortableness with the bishop or other leader's actions or statements. (After all, confession itself is rarely comfortable.)

I think it can be helpful in specific cases to point out that bishops need to know whether immorality is ongoing or one time thing. They may need to know how a person got there (to help them figure out ways to make sure it doesn't happen again). They need to know what the person has really done, though not the details (so sometimes they ask questions to see whether a youth really understands the terminology). They may want to know who else is involved. But youth do need to know that just because a leader or bishop or teacher asks them a question, that does NOT automatically require the person to answer it. Tell them it is permissible to ask why the bishop has asked the question. It is permissible to tell the bishop that they want to go home and talk with their parents about the question before answering it. It is permissible to tell the bishop that the question makes them feel uncomfortable and they don't want to answer it at all (though please teach them how to do this in a humble way that doesn't make the bishop think they are being rebellious). And it is okay to tell the bishop that they have had experiences that make it difficult to trust the bishop or other men (or leaders, or authority figures, or whatever).

[Traveler]

Confessions should be done to the bishop - If you feel anything is inappropriate you should talk to the stake president - if necessary you may take your concern to the first presidency.

Never fear doing the right thing.

The Traveler

[jadams_4040]

Confessions should be done to the bishop - If you feel anything is inappropriate you should talk to the stake president - if necessary you may take your concern to the first presidency.

Never fear doing the right thing.

The Traveler

And it does not absolutely have to be your bishop that you take the problem to, if you want you can talk to stake president, or someone else in authority, if one feels uncomfortable to talk to bishop there are others that we are allowed and urged to speak with if nessacery. its ok!

[MorningStar]

Thanks for your input, everyone. I know this is a pretty sensitive subject.

[DrewM]

As an example, if a young woman goes to her bishop to confess that she has engaged in heavy petting, is that all he needs to know for her to repent? Or is it necessary for him to ask if she "enjoyed" it? To me, that question seems unnecessary and probing. "How many times?" could also feel very uncomfortable, but I understand that if she did that once and came in immediately to repent or if it had an ongoing thing for 6 months, that might determine what course of action to take. If he says something that crosses the line, she might feel like she has to answer it.

You can usually ask the same thing in more than one way. For example, what sounds better?

"How many times?" or "Has this happened on more than one occasion?"

"Did you enjoy it?" or "At the time, was this something you really wanted to do or did you feel pressured to do it?"

"Did you return the favor?" or "Did you reciprocate inappropriately?"

Certain words are cold and un-sexy. Others are not. If there is certain information a bishop needs to determine what to do, he can usually ask it more than one way.

In the case of pre-missionaries, it is common for bishops to ask about masturbation. But how?

"Have you ever masturbated?" or "Do you currently have any problems with masturbation?"

The first one, for pretty much all men and many women would be "Uh, yes" and then he'll still have to ask more to get the information he may need. The second takes him straight to what he needs, namely, if there is currently a problem that needs to be fixed before the mission.

I think Bishops need to be really careful on how to ask questions and people need to be willing to ask questions back like "why do you need to know that?" or "That makes me feel uncomfortable, what do you mean?"

etc

[MorningStar]

You can usually ask the same thing in more than one way. For example, what sounds better?

"How many times?" or "Has this happened on more than one occasion?"

"Did you enjoy it?" or "At the time, was this something you really wanted to do or did you feel pressured to do it?"

"Did you return the favor?" or "Did you reciprocate inappropriately?"

Certain words are cold and un-sexy. Others are not. If there is certain information a bishop needs to determine what to do, he can usually ask it more than one way.

In the case of pre-missionaries, it is common for bishops to ask about masturbation. But how?

"Have you ever masturbated?" or "Do you currently have any problems with masturbation?"

The first one, for pretty much all men and many women would be "Uh, yes" and then he'll still have to ask more to get the information he may need. The second takes him straight to what he needs, namely, if there is currently a problem that needs to be fixed before the mission.

I think Bishops need to be really careful on how to ask questions and people need to be willing to ask questions back like "why do you need to know that?" or "That makes me feel uncomfortable, what do you mean?"

etc

It sounds like you would handle situations like that well. :)

[ztodd]

...

The first one, for pretty much all men and many women would be "Uh, yes" and then he'll still have to ask more to get the information he may need

...

I wouldn't make that kind of pronouncement/judgement if I were you. In my opinion, it is NOT something that most people in the church have done.

[DrewM]

I wouldn't make that kind of pronouncement/judgement if I were you. In my opinion, it is NOT something that most people in the church have done.

A recent article in the Church News says that statistically, in the church, every young man now by the time he is a senior in high school will have viewed pornography. Statistics for masturbation are even more alarming (it is quite natural, but the natural man is an enemy to God!). Girls, I am sure, do not have as many problems. However, my experiences in a student ward bishopric bring me to the conclusion that these sorts of things are common problems among girls too.

The point is, the first question doesn't do much good because it would force you to follow up with more questions. The second question gets right to the point and avoids asking too many questions that could be taken wrong.

[Pa Pa]

A person I baptized in the mission was asked by her bishop (while preparing to go on a mission) if she had ever in her life done the "M" word. (you know what I mean). Turns out, he later made advances toward her and was released.

Funny thing is, that sort of question often comes up with young men about to leave on a mission.

No Bishop should ever ask that of a young woman! I believe the question with young men is...Have to overcome the problem?

[MorningStar]

A recent article in the Church News says that statistically, in the church, every young man now by the time he is a senior in high school will have viewed pornography. Statistics for masturbation are even more alarming (it is quite natural, but the natural man is an enemy to God!). Girls, I am sure, do not have as many problems. However, my experiences in a student ward bishopric bring me to the conclusion that these sorts of things are common problems among girls too.

The point is, the first question doesn't do much good because it would force you to follow up with more questions. The second question gets right to the point and avoids asking too many questions that could be taken wrong.

That's very sad. A friend of mine with teenagers said that other kids will put porn on their various electronic gadgets and show it to their friends. What to do? I suppose I'll have to tell my kids to watch out when some other kid wants to "show them something". My friend in Kindergarten showed me her parents' porn saying, "Hey, come in here. I want to show you something." Ugh. Worst mistake I ever made was listening to her.

[MorningStar]

No Bishop should ever ask that of a young woman! I believe the question with young men is...Have to overcome the problem?

Do you feel it's OK for a young woman to share that problem with her bishop, or do you think it should be resolved a different way?

[DrewM]

That's very sad. A friend of mine with teenagers said that other kids will put porn on their various electronic gadgets and show it to their friends. What to do? I suppose I'll have to tell my kids to watch out when some other kid wants to "show them something". My friend in Kindergarten showed me her parents' porn saying, "Hey, come in here. I want to show you something." Ugh. Worst mistake I ever made was listening to her.

I just think you have to be realistic about it. It's going to happen despite your best efforts to help your kids avoid it. You can't shelter them from it forever and completely. So, I think it's important that you have the kind of relationship that if something like that happens they'll be willing to talk about it with you and get help if they need it. On the other hand, if you never talk about things like that, your kids will probably not be comfortable bringing their problems to you.

[~Sarah~]

And it does not absolutely have to be your bishop that you take the problem to, if you want you can talk to stake president, or someone else in authority, if one feels uncomfortable to talk to bishop there are others that we are allowed and urged to speak with if nessacery. its ok!

Your Bishop is the only one who has the authority to help you through the confession and repentance process.

[DrewM]

Your Bishop is the only one who has the authority to help you through the confession and repentance process.

Actually, your Stake President also can as well as general authorities. You obviously can't confess sins to someone like the Relief Society President or the Elder's quorum president.

[Still_Small_Voice]

Whenever I have talked with the bishop I have had nothing but good experiences. If you need to talk to your bishop I would advise you to not delay.

[DrewM]

Whenever I have talked with the bishop I have had nothing but good experiences. If you need to talk to your bishop I would advise you to not delay.

Me too.

[Moksha]

I have always felt that the Catholics really were onto something with their anonymous confessionals. People like to unburden themselves in the eyes of God, but dislike having to be shamed or punished unduly or even worse, worry about the Bishop's wife, the counselors and their wives all knowing about it in a worse case scenario. They take the matter of confessional confidentiality to be sacred and secret.

[Sheelah]

Perhaps, but it seems that which is easy to confess is easy to repeat. How hard is it to confess to a box with ears, than a real person sitting there looking at you, even if there is compassion and sorrow in his eyes? I do think there is a very good reason Heavenly Father has us confess to our leaders and not to a box.

[NeuroTypical]

A friend of mine with teenagers said that other kids will put porn on their various electronic gadgets and show it to their friends. What to do?

IMO, the goal of parents is to equip their children with the tools, strengths, and resources they'll need to make it through a life where stuff like this happens.

So, what you do, is equip them. Play 'what if'. Walk them through the process. Teach them to pick good friends. Teach them about the judgements they're supposed to make about other people, and the judgements they should not make. Teach them how to avoid bad situations, how to minimize the impact of bad situations, and how to repent. Talk to them about how nobody is perfect, everybody makes mistakes, and there's a way to get through the curve balls life throws at you and move on. Show them love, respect, and understanding. Give them discipline. Teach them about consequences.

Do all that, (and the other stuff I forgot), and maybe they'll make it through.

LM