Family not accepting of LDS church?

[Tom Bell]

Hi everyone!

My name is Tom and I live in Gloucester, UK.

I am 34 years old and I’m happily married and have a beautiful, five year old daughter.

The last 8 weeks I have been exploring my faith. I have read through the New Testament and I’m currently half way through the Book of Mormon.

I have found comfort and inspiration meeting with my local missionaries.

I really like how the LDS church is progressive, relevant to the modern world, and welcoming.

The problem is that my wife does not want for us (my wife, daughter and I) to be associated with the LDS church.

She is from a Russian Orthodox family.

Her biggest issue with the LDS church is that if I was to be baptised again, then according to the LDS teachings my wife and daughter would not join me in the afterlife, as they are not baptised though the LDS church.

 

Has anyone here had similar obstacles with family/friendly being against your wishes to join the LDS church?

 

Thanks!

[pam]

Welcome Tom. We're happy to have you here.  

[zil2]

Welcome, @Tom Bell.  It may take a while as today is a holiday in the US, hopefully someone has some experience with this, even if indirectly.

5 hours ago, Tom Bell said:

The problem is that my wife does not want for us (my wife, daughter and I) to be associated with the LDS church.

She is from a Russian Orthodox family.

Her biggest issue with the LDS church is that if I was to be baptised again, then according to the LDS teachings my wife and daughter would not join me in the afterlife, as they are not baptised though the LDS church.

If she doesn't believe the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true, then why worry about what it teaches?  It wouldn't limit her.  Also, Russian Orthodoxy certainly doesn't teach that families can be sealed together as families for eternity, so she already believes you will not be together as a family in the afterlife...  Perhaps logic won't work with your wife (it often doesn't when it comes to religion), but I'm not seeing the issue, especially if you are already of two different faith backgrounds.  (But I tend to compartmentalize and many don't.)

If your wife is willing to come to a Church meeting with you, not for the purposes of her conversion, but just to learn and to show you some support, that might help - often the unknown is scary and a bit of familiarity can help.  Or perhaps invite some LDS friends to dinner (with your wife's permission, of course) and ask them not to teach about the faith unless your wife or daughter asks questions, but rather, just be normal people getting to know each other (they don't have to leave out talk of the Church, just don't make it the point of getting together) - perhaps friendships can help.

Anyway, patience, love, and prayer while you try to work through this.  And please hold on to the positives you've discovered thus far:

5 hours ago, Tom Bell said:

I have found comfort and inspiration meeting with my local missionaries.

I really like how the LDS church is progressive, relevant to the modern world, and welcoming.

Wishing you all the best!

[MrShorty]

As I've studied strategies for thriving in a mixed-faith marriage/family (my wife and kids have all left the LDS church), I have found several interesting ideas that may be interesting to you.

My first thought is to recall something one author who studied the success/failures of mixed faith marriages who noted that the most difficult situations are those where one spouse is in a "high demand religion." He specifically called out LDS and Seventh-Day Adventists. Something about having a high demand religion involved seems to make these situations more difficult.

Some key principles that I see talked about in making these situations work:
1) Mutual respect and trust. I can never find it when I want, but David Heyward (aka The Naked Pastor -- a big name in broader Christian deconstruction circles) drew a comic that features a couple reading in bed. One is reading the Bible, the other is reading something else (a Buddhist text, if memory serves). The caption to the cartoon says something like, "These two love each other enough to trust each other with their individual faith journeys." One of the biggest hurdles I see in your description of your wife and family's reaction is that they may need to learn to respect and trust you with your changing faith, while you will need to make sure to trust them in their choices to remain in their old faith and practice. It is important to view each other as peers and equals and not view one's self as the enlightened one while the spouse is deluded or deceived.
2) Learn to recognize and emphasize shared values. It seems that, in so many cases where someone deconstructs/reconstructs/changes their faith practices, focus is given to all of the ways that the different faiths conflict with each other and not enough emphasis is placed on shared values. You may need to find ways to talk about faith and spirituality that can emphasize similarities without necessarily minimizing differences.
3) Are you still committed to staying together? Sometimes it seems like the biggest predictor is the level you are committed to making it work. There will be some hard times ahead, but they are rarely insurmountable if you are both committed to finding your way past the difficulties.
4) You mention a 5 year old. Children complicate these situations as spouses need to wrestle with how to talk about their individual faith and beliefs. This is one of those places where it can be particularly important to see each other as equals, and also one of those places where a high demand religion like the LDS church can create some problems. I see a lot of recommendations to be able to talk about "Mom believes and practices _____ while Dad believes and practices ________. Neither is better than the other, but we respect and support each other in each of our beliefs and practices." Of course, an orthodox LDS person will usually want to promote a "our church has more truth than other churches" narrative, while some "anti-Mormon" stances will want to insist that LDS are not Christian or even worse than not Christian." A key challenge is figuring out how to navigate differences in faith while still allowing both parents to share their faith with the child on equal footing.

Some resources you may find helpful. I've heard good things about David Heyward's book "Till Doubt do Us Part" even though it is written from an Evangelical Protestant context. I also recall that the church has published some anecdotal articles in the Liahona Magazine that deal with mixed faith marriages (if I can find specific articles, I will try to remember to bring them back here -- gospel library search engine isn't being very helpful right now). I also see many who encourage professional counseling -- especially if you find yourself unable to develop good coping skills on your own.

Whatever comes out of your gospel study, I hope you can find a way to be true to your changing faith while also finding ways to be true to your wife and child so that you can all thrive.

[Carborendum]

Welcome, Tom.  We're happy to have you here.

I'm afraid that the words I have are not advice on what you should do.  Nor are they very encouraging.  It is just what I've seen in my life as facts for you to consider.

Families of mixed religions hardly ever work out.  Each household has to figure out a way around that.  

I've been very close to dozens of mixed religion families, where one of the parents was LDS.  Only four families (couples) lasted until death.  Two of them were really bad marriages -- we just didn't know how bad.  The other two were content but had problems unique to mixed-religion families -- although they happened to be able to work out the issues.  All the remaining ones chose one religion or the other or divorce.

The reason why it is so difficult is that families remain cohesive because a set of values and goals.  For many, religion is the basis by which we determine the morality and values that the family will agree to live by.  Yes, secularists and atheists can do the same thing.  They just don't realize that they are using a very religious method of setting such standards for their family that doesn't believe in religion. 

Without a common set of values for the family, a couple (and eventually the family) cannot remain a happy, cohesive family.  And it is exceptionally rare that people of very different belief systems can agree on a "Family Constitution". 

Being LDS (and a few other orthodox faiths) will present particular challenges because the faith requires so many common practices that are noticeable.  Either you drink your cup of coffee each morning or not.  Whether you wear your garments or not.  For Jews, do you wear a yarmulke or not?  When?  In addition to such observances, we also acknowledge that church based activities (on Sunday as well as those during the week) take up a considerable amount of time.  What if someone has some other activity to go to on one night?  Which one do you go to? How much importance do you put on those activities?  When do you make exceptions?

These are not simple questions to answer.  Every time a "special event" comes up, you'll have to make a decision about which is more important.  That will always put more strain on the marriage.

I can't really give advice on which route you should take or (much more importantly) HOW you take whichever route you choose.  What I can tell you is that if the current conditions are not dealt with, the prognosis is not good.  Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.

[HaggisShuu]

I am also from the UK, and in my Ward there are 2 examples of similar situations that I can think of which may help to reflect on. 
 

The first was a young man who joined with an impressive level of enthusiasm, he spoke passionately of his faith, brought people out to Church with him and engaged well in meetings. Not even 2 weeks after his Baptism he resigned his membership. His family (a group of Born again Evangelical christians) had trudged up as much negative information they could on Joseph Smith and it got to him and he left. 
 

The next is a strictly Atheist young man who met a young lady in our Ward. He never had an interested in anything to do with Church, but overtime he has softened to it. He went from "I don't believe in God" to "I accept God might exist, but don't want to learn about him" and now attends weekly, and maintains a non-member calling with what is now his wife. His family didn't accept his wife's faith and are baffled at his decision to marry her. 
 

There is a saying "The family is the basic unit of the Kingdom of God on Earth." 

You may find that your own family's influence pulls you out of your current inclinations. You may also find that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints introduces a new kind of family which softens your nuclear family. 
 

my own family was against my conversion, but when I married, all concerns they had for me evaporated, as they saw the positive influences the true Gospel had on my life. There is no easy answer or good advice I can offer to your situation, but I wish you luck and will have you in my prayers. 
 

[Sal]

Tom,

You are not the only one that has this issue my wife is against it also but I know someday Heavenly Father in his perfect timing will bring us together keep the faith don’t lose heart remember show lots of love , caring , and compassion!

[Canada Goose]

Hi Tom, I was raised in the church and lived in Cheltenham till I was 19 when I went on my mission.  I used to know lots of people in Gloucester but that’s a very long time ago.

Ask your wife if she would come to one church meeting and let her know how much the gospel means to you.  I would ask her if she would pray with you and ask the Lord for help.  Talking to your bishop would be good also.

 

Good luck, 

Mike Harris