Feeling emasculated at Church.

[HaggisShuu]

I am now 22, I joined the church when I was 19. After my baptism I felt a great desire to serve a mission, but this fizzled out after a while as it became apparent I knew less about the faith than kids in primary, and had some serious unresolved worthiness issues. 
 

I chose to marry young instead of prepare for a mission, and in making that choice, I have been blessed with recovery from addiction, a fiercely faithful wife and a beautiful daughter. These circumstances have enabled me recovery from my addiction in ways that preparing to serve a mission will not have and so I know I made the right choice, which has ultimately turned me into a better man. 
 

That said, the talk at church of men needing to serve a full time mission and it being a priesthood obligation, ultimately leave me feeling like less of a man. After all I could have served a mission, but was lead another way. As a result, any lesson/meeting which focuses on missionary work just tends to make me angry, rather than uplifted. 
 

How can I reconcile this? Am I truly lesser than my brethren for not serving a mission? 

[Carborendum]

1 hour ago, HaggisShuu said:

I am now 22, I joined the church when I was 19. After my baptism I felt a great desire to serve a mission, but this fizzled out after a while as it became apparent I knew less about the faith than kids in primary, and had some serious unresolved worthiness issues. 

I chose to marry young instead of prepare for a mission, and in making that choice, I have been blessed with recovery from addiction, a fiercely faithful wife and a beautiful daughter. These circumstances have enabled me recovery from my addiction in ways that preparing to serve a mission will not have and so I know I made the right choice, which has ultimately turned me into a better man. 

That said, the talk at church of men needing to serve a full time mission and it being a priesthood obligation, ultimately leave me feeling like less of a man. After all I could have served a mission, but was lead another way. As a result, any lesson/meeting which focuses on missionary work just tends to make me angry, rather than uplifted. 

How can I reconcile this? Am I truly lesser than my brethren for not serving a mission? 

Am I a lesser saint for not ministering to my ministering families?  Am I a lesser saint for having not read my scriptures today?  Am I a lesser saint for ...???

We all sin -- whether they be sins of omission or sins of commission.  That's why there is an Atonement.  We pick up an do the best we can from here on out.  We press forward with a steadfastness in Christ.

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Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.

 

[LDSGator]

3 hours ago, HaggisShuu said:

That said, the talk at church of men needing to serve a full time mission and it being a priesthood obligation,

A prophet said that every member is a missionary, and there are a ton of ways to evangelize without being a pest or serving a formal mission. Maybe you could start a tik tok or something and spread the gospel there?

 

I didn’t serve a mission either-so convert to convert I know what you mean. I never felt bad about it though 

[NeuroTypical]

6 hours ago, HaggisShuu said:

That said, the talk at church of men needing to serve a full time mission and it being a priesthood obligation, ultimately leave me feeling like less of a man. 
 

How can I reconcile this?

Stop taking your sense of worth from random people giving their opinion about things.
 

No, really, it’s that simple. Stop giving people the power to define your self-worth.

I’ll say it a third time. People don’t give you your sense of self-worth. And yet here you are, getting your sense of worth from people. Stop it.

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Am I truly lesser than my brethren for not serving a mission? 

What, if you can get more people to say you’re fine than not, that means you’re fine?
No really. Stop getting your sense of self-worth from other humans. The church offers a fine place to get a sense of self-worth. Do that instead.

(Full disclosure: I didn't go on a mission, and I have received absolutely no grief over my decision from anybody, in any of the wards or cities I've lived in.  But I hear stories like yours and I know it happens.)

Edited February 18 by NeuroTypical

[estradling75]

I believe it was President Oaks that once said that as a General Authority he has to give General Advice and Council in his talks...  Serving a missing is a general advice and council that is really really good. For those that need individual council and guidance that is what the Spirit and the Bishop are for.

When one of my sons was debating about if he was going to serve a missing I counciled and advised him as best I could.  On of the things I talked to him about was the Church's missionary focus wasn't going to change just because he might get his feeling hurt about the subject.  If he did not go he would have to learn to deal with his feelings on the subject because it would continue to come up... and it would be on him to learn to deal with it... Not on the church or various member to tip toe around the subject when he was around.

So how do you learn to deal with it?  The exact same way you learn to deal with any other mistakes, errors, sins or oops you make in your life.  Accept the fact that you did it and it can't be changed.  But that Christ can and will forgive, heal, repair and help you move forward as a hopefully wiser and better person.  And also remember that while others might have different mistakes, errors, sins and oops, we are all in that same boat of trying to moving forward.

 

[HaggisShuu]

5 hours ago, LDSGator said:

A prophet said that every member is a missionary, and there are a ton of ways to evangelize without being a pest or serving a formal mission. Maybe you could start a tik tok or something and spread the gospel there?

 

I didn’t serve a mission either-so convert to convert I know what you mean. I never felt bad about it though 

I've wanted to start some kind of blog/Facebook page for a while, maybe I'll finally do it lol. 

[HaggisShuu]

1 hour ago, estradling75 said:

I believe it was President Oaks that once said that as a General Authority he has to give General Advice and Council in his talks...  Serving a missing is a general advice and council that is really really good. For those that need individual council and guidance that is what the Spirit and the Bishop are for.

When one of my sons was debating about if he was going to serve a missing I counciled and advised him as best I could.  On of the things I talked to him about was the Church's missionary focus wasn't going to change just because he might get his feeling hurt about the subject.  If he did not go he would have to learn to deal with his feelings on the subject because it would continue to come up... and it would be on him to learn to deal with it... Not on the church or various member to tip toe around the subject when he was around.

So how do you learn to deal with it?  The exact same way you learn to deal with any other mistakes, errors, sins or oops you make in your life.  Accept the fact that you did it and it can't be changed.  But that Christ can and will forgive, heal, repair and help you move forward as a hopefully wiser and better person.  And also remember that while others might have different mistakes, errors, sins and oops, we are all in that same boat of trying to moving forward.

 

I like this perspective. I believe in the messages that the GAs give and I would like for my kids to serve missions. One day when my schedule isn't so rammed I would like to do some kind of service mission/temple work. My main gripe, is that there is a number of people in my ward who have served missions, and the way they talk about it in lessons and leadership meetings, its almost as if they are superior for having fulfilled this important priesthood obligation and everyone else should be forced to do it. 
Such contentious rhetoric is both quite common and quite demeaning. I'm happy for not serving a mission, I am comfortable with it, I look at my life and realise I have been blessed for it. But I am human, and weak, and as @NeuroTypical pointed out, take the opinions of others way more seriously than I should. And so these comments bother that part of me, that just wants to feel accepted, after all, that's why I come unto Christ, because I know he will accept me (even though his church sometimes falls short of achieving this end).

It's nothing worth getting too upset over I realise, it was just something annoying me today.

[LDSGator]

25 minutes ago, HaggisShuu said:

I've wanted to start some kind of blog/Facebook page for a while, maybe I'll finally do it lol. 

Blogs are dated, I speak from experience. I had one forever that went nowhere due to my lack of talent. Hopefully you’ll do better than I did. 
 

http://punkmormon.blogspot.com/?m=1

Not updated since 2021. 

[HaggisShuu]

38 minutes ago, LDSGator said:

Blogs are dated, I speak from experience. I had one forever that went nowhere due to my lack of talent. Hopefully you’ll do better than I did. 
 

http://punkmormon.blogspot.com/?m=1

Not updated since 2021. 

Lol, 

I know what you mean, I just don't get down with tiktok. I think that platform is pure evil. (Maybe that means it needs the gospel more lol.) 

I just think there is a lack of short-form come follow me content out there (be it articles or videos) I don't have the time to watch a frankly boring, 3 hour come follow me podcast. I just want a 5 minute read/commentary video to get to grip with the basics on my lunch break and I can't be the only person who feels that way. 
 

If I were to ever do some form of online content, it would be that. 

[LDSGator]

12 minutes ago, HaggisShuu said:

Lol, 

I know what you mean, I just don't get down with tiktok. I think that platform is pure evil. (Maybe that means it needs the gospel more lol.) 

I just think there is a lack of short-form come follow me content out there (be it articles or videos) I don't have the time to watch a frankly boring, 3 hour come follow me podcast. I just want a 5 minute read/commentary video to get to grip with the basics on my lunch break and I can't be the only person who feels that way. 
 

If I were to ever do some form of online content, it would be that. 

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you do bro. 

[LDSGator]

And no matter what platform you use, people will whine and complain. It’s a lousy fact, but haters gonna hate. 

[Ironhold]

As I've mentioned before, when I was in my teens and twenties, the local stake presidency made "All young men must serve missions and all young women must regard any young man who doesn't as ineligible for marriage" a mantra. Every fifth Sunday and Stake Priesthood saw that being driven home repeatedly, to the point that virtually an entire generation of young men either left the area or left the church because of how fire & brimstone the leadership was about it. 

I was one of the few who stayed, and I basically spent a solid decade in misery. My maternal grandmother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's my senior year of high school, and if I had left it would have been a hardship on my parents because they needed my help taking care of her. I was repeatedly told time and time again that I was lesser for not having gone on a mission and that there was no excuse to justify my actions. Even my own parents sometimes contributed to this, as since I was the only one of my siblings still at home I was all too often the one who bore the brunt of their anger and frustration with having to care for her and the aftermath thereof. They also couldn't understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling until one stake speaker finally went too far and talked about how "worthless" anyone who didn't serve was, at which point they finally realized what I'd been dealing with. 

 

Thing is...

I graduated in 2002. 

 

I got online in 2000, and at the time members of the church who were online were few and far between. The church website was barely functional on a good day, and so most of us had to find the handful of apologetics websites & learn from there in order to combat the horde of cyber-bullies and Christian counter-cult types who would swarm us every day. 

I spent the 2000s and first part of the 2010s doing online apologetics work for the church simply by virtue of being on the internet, and so made *that* my mission field. Despite being a nobody from nowhere, by the time things were said and done I had *ministers* in a panic because I knew how to respond to the then-current lists of anti-Mormon material that were in circulation and could destroy their arguments thusly. I actually broke several people psychologically because they couldn't understand how I was actually holding my own against their precious canned arguments, let alone how I was successfully challenging various points of their own beliefs just by turning their own arguments back on them.

Everything people enjoy now about being a member of the church online came about because people like myself fought long and hard for it. 

I'd say, then, that I did far more work for the church than I would have if I'd have worn that name tag. 

 

That brings us to your situation. 

Find what you're good at, find something only *you* can do, and do it. Make *that* your mission. If anyone tries to dog you about it, invite them to read the "lift where you stand" Conference talk from a few years ago. 

[LDSGator]

11 minutes ago, Ironhold said:

Everything people enjoy now about being a member of the church online came about because people like myself fought long and hard for it. 

You are an OG bro. I say that with the greatest respect, not busting chops.