seeking_peace

Do you remember when people tried really hard to hide their underwear? If your boxers showed above your jeans, or your bra strap slipped outside of your blouse, it was a mistake. Someone would quietly point it out and you would adjust your outerwear.

Bini, You do NOT remember when cigarette ads were aired on TV. They banned that whe I was a child in the 60's.

It DOES get better. There are a lot of things that become easier when you finally let go. You will no longer be the keeper of his secrets. Your pain will be more evident to others and help will present itself. You may have to swallow your pride and ask for help, but it will be there. Heavenly Father will bless you for your years of faithfulness. He knows your heart. You will be blessed.

We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience and allow all men the same privilege. Let them worship who where or what they may. I always like to fall back on the 11th Article of Faith.

Kiss her.

Currently celibate. Practicing abstinence. Living the law of chastity. No sex until marriage. Sex is one of the things that I miss most about being married, so the fact that dating leads to marriage and marriage leads to sex, is not a problem here. And I don't live where there is a large LDS population, I did when I was in my 20's.

Although "celibacy" is the wrong word, the question still remains: I've recently started to wade in to the dating pool (since my divorce two years ago) and I'm wondering, when is the right time to bring up the fact that I am practicing abstinence? Obviously, "Hi. I'm Sue and I don't have sex outside of marriage." is a little premature, but since I've had an "I wanted to kiss you last night" conversation, I should probably prepare myself for that issue to come up. Or maybe I should have already explained it? Twenty five years ago--when I last dated-- I lived in Utah among a large LDS population, my virginity was rarely questioned in dating. Now, I'm living in an area that does not have a large LDS singles population and I'm a parent. I think that intimacy will be expected.

Thank you, FT, for the condolences. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October. He remained fairly healthy for a long time, but the past 2 1/2 months have been really rough for him. He was ready to go. Bini, it's much less expensive. That is one of the reasons that it appealed to my dad. One of the other things is that there was no rush to have a viewing, funeral, and burial. Since my siblings and I are scattered to all corners of the US, he didn't want us to have to get last minute flights and pay premium airfares. We are having a service in three weeks and that gives everyone time to make arrangements (although 4 or the 7 of us happened to be there when he passed). Also, my mom isn't sure where she will end up living, but she knows that she wants their ashes together ulltimately. So she can get an urn and decide later where their final resting place will be. The mortuary handling the cremation said that 85% of their clients are opting for cremation right now.

I know that you aren't looking for "hey, can we hang out sometime." But what's wrong with initiating a meeting? Invite another couple (or tow) over for a game night. There are probably several families that feel the same as you do and would love an invitation. If they have kids, make it a family night and have movies or kids games for the kids. If you don't feel comfortable with a game night, invite someone for dinner. Since my divorce two years ago, we've been invited to the homes of several ward members for dinner. Usually, there are other families invited as well. Sometimes the invitation to join someone for Sunday comes during church. One time, the invitaion took this form, "we are having the missionaries over for dinner. Are you available to join us, and if so, can you pick them up and give them a ride?" I assure you, every invitation has been welcome. Even the last minute ones. One time, I had a pork roast in the crockpot when we got the Sunday afternoon invitation. I told them I would come, but only if I could bring my roast (it was a very small roast since I thought that I was cooking for two).

My father just passed away and, in keeping with his wishes, we are having his remains cremated. His reasons for choosing cremation are well thought out and make a lot of sense. Traditionally, LDS people opt for burial. Is that a cultural tradition, or does the church have an official stand? As people that believe in literal resurrection, it is easy to think that a buried body will “reconstruct” easier. But in reality, even an embalmed body decays over time and by the time we are resurrected, there won’t be much left.

I had to mapquest Big Creek because I had never heard of it. Other than that, all of the cities that you mentioned are good. Both Duluth and Lawrenceville have good areas and bad areas. Like gtg166v mentioned, John's Creek is awesome, but a little pricey. Roswell, Duluth, John's Creek, Alpharette, and Milton are all in my stake and they are all really good wards. I know a lot of people in the Sugar Hill Stake and they all seem happy with it. That would encompass Buford, Sugar Hill, and Suwanee. One thing to know is that traffic is horrible here, so if you don't want a long commute, you don't want to go further out. Where in Duluth is your office?

I live in Georgia and we felt it.

Every time I have the missionaries over for dinner they ask if there is anything that they can do for me. They really are looking for service opportunities. Ask them.

I think that this will be a great missionary tool. I want a copy for two of my coworkers.

I like what Gwen said. You can confide in her and tell her your situation. Even if she chooses not to share, she will know that she is not the only one that is going through what she is going through. sometimes, that's what is needed.

I live in Duluth and I like it here. I love the cultural diversity. The teenagers in our ward go to 5 different high schools, all of them make Newsweek's "Top 1,000 Schools" issue every year. Of the 5, Duluth High School is probably viewed as the least desirable, but I've been very happy with it. If you want a school with less cultural diversity and a little more affluence, look in the John's Creek area. It's just over the county line. Our ward is awesome. It has a really strong youth program. PM me if you have any specific questions. I'd be happy to answer them or even give you my phone number so we can talk.

I don’t think that I could give up the church, my friends, or my extended family. If he’s asking you to give up everything, he’s trying to isolate you. That’s the first step down a scary road. If the marriage were strong and fulfilling in all other areas, I might consider a compromise: I’ll go to church with you 3 Sundays a month, but you will need to allow me to study on my own and attend the temple periodically and Sacrament meeting once a month. I certainly wouldn’t give up my entire faith. I would be especially reluctant if there were other areas of stress in the marriage. I would need to hold on to my faith to help me through. At least that is the way I feel right now. I used to say that divorce would never be an option, too. But I’m now divorced and happier than I was for most of my 23 year marriage. My father gave up his activity in the church because it became a source of contention between he and my mother (lt’s a long story, but basically they were both members for years, and then my mother became disillusioned). I don’t think that she ever asked him to give it up, he just wanted to avoid the tension that it brought into their relationship. He still considers himself LDS, still wears garments (they both do-which I think is weird), still believes much of the doctrine, he even recently asked his bishop for a blessing, but he hasn’t been to church in 15 years. They’ve been married for almost 53 years and are very happy. Look at what brings you the greatest joy and peace of mind. Is it your relationship with your husband, or your relationship with the Lord? Don’t give up the most important relationship for a lesser one.

It’s good that you want to keep the kids out of the mess You shouldn’t tell them the details, but I think that it is a disservice to them not to acknowledge that there is something. There’s no reason to ignore the elephant in the room. Kids will draw their own conclusions. Some of the older ones have probably picked up clues and have figured things out. Sometimes, being the egocentric being that they are, kids will imagine that if you are unhappy it’s because of something that they did. I think that you handled it pretty well in telling them that you got some bad news about a loved one. That should be enough for now. I took my son out for ice cream. We sat in the car eating Dairy Queen blizzards and I said, “I know that you’ve been aware that there is tension between your dad and I. I don’t think that it is fair to you for us to pretend that it isn’t there, so I just want to acknowledge it and apologize for the way it is affecting you. I’m not sure what will happen between us, but we are trying to work things out. I want you to know that what ever happens with us, it has nothing to do with you and that we both love you.” He was 15 at the time. He really didn’t comment much, but he seemed calmer after that. Infidelity was never discussed, other than my son saying, “I know what’s going on,” and then when we told him that we were divorcing, my ex said, “I’ve upset your mother with some of my internet friendships.” As for the other woman…. It’s probably really, really good advice to leave her alone. I honestly think that is advice that I would have a hard time following, though. ( I sent the then-mistress-now-wife a letter telling her that I was aware of their relationship and that their actions were affecting not only them, but two spouses and seven children.) If you do decide to contact her, I would suggest not doing it anonymously. It would be easy for her to dismiss it. I would send her a very polite, “I am John’s wife. I’m afraid that he hasn’t been upfront with you.” And then just state facts: We’ve been married for X years, we have 5 children, he is 40 years old.

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with your husband’s infidelity. An emotional affair is at least as devastating as a physical affair I dealt with the same basic thing three years ago. Although my husband did exhibit remorse, he still sometimes got angry with me. I think that it was a defense mechanism-- a way to fool himself into thinking that it was not all his fault and that he was not a “bad person.” I suggest that you look into therapy for both of you. If he won’t go, go by yourself. You need someone to talk to and express your feelings to. You are grieving the death of your ideal life. My marriage ultimately failed, but we were able to work things out for a while. I discovered the emails the end of August, by November I was well on my way to recovery, was able to laugh and listen to love songs again. I thought that we were going to survive. Until on New Year’s Day when I discovered that he was back in contact with her. At that point, I honestly quit trying. I told him that once he decided that he wanted to be my husband, I would start being a wife again. That went on for about a month. Then he decided to leave me. A week later, our bishop pulled him in and basically told him to man up and do the right thing (her husband had talked to their bishop, and he called ours). He tried for a few weeks, but by April he was, once again, lamenting his loss. He found an online forum and posted how torn he was and how he couldn’t choose which woman he wanted to spend his life with. I eventually told him that, “Sometimes not choosing is a choice.” And gave him a date by which he had to commit to me or move out. I joined a support group on this site and it was my lifeline (in fact, that’s how I found this site. I googled “LDS infidelity support”). It was nice to have other people to bounce feelings off of. People that were going through the same things and trying to save their marriages. The creator of the group that I joined is no longer active on this site, and there wasn’t a lot of activity after a while. So one of the other women started a new group. I don’t know how active it is, but it might be nice for you to check it out and maybe get some support.

I think it happens, but it's not as common as it is for men. Primarily because men are visual and women are emotional. I've heard racy romance novels discribed as "ladies' porn," because the are the emotional equivilant to pornography, but I don't think that they have the same addictive quality.

You've obviously never lived with someone that has had an ongoing struggle with depression. It is VERY real. Also, "cheating" isn't limited to physical interaction. An emotional affair can be just as devastating to a marriage as a sexual affair.

...and on a more positive note. Although I would never have chosen it, and I don't advocate it, in a lot of ways my divorce has been a good thing. I've has so many witnesses of Christ's love for me. I know that Heavenly Father cares about me and knows my personal struggles. I've had overwhelming witnesses to those facts. I've been freed from the "vortex of gloom" that enveloped my home during the episodes of depression. I am no longer the keeper of my husband's secrets. I've made new friends. I've become closer to old ones. I'm closer to my siblings. I've been embraced and enfolded by my ward. Doors to missionary discussions have been opened when I talk to non-member friends about my gratitude for the service that I've received from ward members (more than I can ever list). Sure, I miss some aspects of being married. I even miss my ex sometimes. I get lonely. I'm not as financially secure. Some days I wonder "what makes me so unlovable." But, even after 2 years, I have people point out that I look happier. I know that I did what I could to save my marriage and I know that I will be blessed for keeping my covenants. Contrary to my screen name, I have found peace in my life and I know that if you stay close to the Lord, you will too. The hurt is temporary--just like everything else.

I’m so sorry. Depression sucks. My ex-husband’s psychiatrist told him that it is not unusual that when someone who suffers from long term depression finally gets control over their disease, they make major life changes. Apparently, they want to break free of everything associated with the life of pain. It makes sense, but it doesn’t make it easy. By being there for him and standing by his side through all of the hellishness, I became a reminder of his bad times and he wanted something (and someone else). In essence, “Thanks for putting up with the difficult me, but now that I’m easier to be around, I don’t want you anymore.” I agree that you should talk to your bishop, and see if you can get a referral to LDS Social Services. You are going to need someone to talk to and help you through what is going to be a nightmare.

First of all, I’m sorry about your employment situation. There is nothing more depressing than looking for work. I know that it’s especially hard on men because so much of their self-worth is tied up in their jobs. They are “what they do.” My ex-husband always felt inferior because his job had no prestige. I imagine that it was even worse after he left and was unemployed for a year and a half. I agree with the advice that others have given you. Look for any work—even if it leaves you underemployed, you will have a job and a reason to get out of bed. Look into volunteering. Again, it will give you a sense of purpose, and it may open up unexpected job opportunities. If you feel that your looks are holding you back, do something about them. There are hair products for men to cover grey. Use them before a job interview. Take a daily 30 minute break from your job search and go for a walk. It will clear your head and benefit your challenged waist (not quickly, but you’ll still feel better because you are doing something constructive and it will be something that you have control over). Second of all, I think that your wife is being mean and petty. She had the luxury of being a stay at home mom for 14 years—and it is a luxury in this day and age. It’s very selfish of her to belittle you and your efforts. I think that marriage counseling is essential right now. I understand that it is an expense that you might feel like you can’t afford. But if she continues resenting you and turning to her co-worker for support, your marriage will suffer irreparable damage. She objects to working as a married woman, will she like it any more as a divorcee? Talk to your bishop. See if the ward can help you with LDS social services. If she is unwilling to go with you, go alone.

I'm soryy that you are hurting. I felt a lot of hurt and resentment when I discovered my husband's infidelity, but I am so much happier now that I've let it go. He's just not worth it. A coworker of mine used to say, "I won't let you steal my joy." and it helped me to think that. I didn't want to hand him the power over my happiness. I just came across this article and it may help: Meridian Magazine - Ten Techniques to Help You Forgive - Meridian Magazine - LDS, Mormon and Latter-day Saint News and Views