baver3

If it were from his mom or grandmother or something I would TOTALLY give it back. But its not and he is just trying to get everything he can from me because he knows he is screwed. He just sold their family farm for 1.1 million dollars and doesnt know that I know about it. He owns approx 25% of the farm and the sale would give him a substantial amount of cash that he is NOT WILLING TO PART WITH. If I were him I would be less worried about the rings and MORE worried about how much of the farm proceeds he is going to have to give up. This is how I see it: He gave me the rings before we married (conditional on marrying him). They were a gift. They are mine to do what I want with them. He has received various gifts during our marriage from me such as at Christmas and such. I would never in a million years ask for a gift back. To him I say: GET A CLUE.

I think it all stems down to lust. And I think when members get too comfortable it opens the door for Satan to open it JUST enough to start a little 'harmless' damage. He is sneaky that way. People give in to their lustful desires and then it gets out of hand. It doesnt matter what the spouses are doing (whether they are unavilable, etc.). The cheater is still responsible for their decisions and their actions.

When you have kids you have to get over this. Maybe it wont be a peeve when its kids, since they can be so helpless. I will say though I get so sick of picking up the same thing 10 times a day. I totally agree with you about your pet peeve. That is annoying. I cant stand to hear people sneeze.

Staying is not wrong. Supporting and loving is NEVER wrong. I applaud your husband and you for sticking with it. People just cannot understand addicition when they havent walked that road and we just cant judge. I think it is wonderful that your spouse is willing to make things better despite having to be possibly excommunicated. I agree with crazy potato about not obsessing about this issue. It wont do anything good for your spouse and it will make you CRAZY.

Its okay if thats how you are dealing with this affair right now. Do what feels right to you. I hope you realize, however, that at SOME point in the future you WILL have to deal with some of those 'darker' emotions. And that is OKAY. My only advice to you is to start going and seeing a counselor and/or therapist. They might be more insightful to this. I, too, think you are A M A Z I N G and so well composed. It is good to be strong right now. Your husband probably really needs you. I am so happy for you that he is repentant and still loves you. That is a wonderful thing. Try to focus on the positive points. It sounds like thats what you are already doing.

Lets just say this person has racked up thousands and thousands of dollars behind my back in credit over the years. Now he is unwilling to support us financially (only gives us $150 for food every two weeks) and is unwilling to give adequate child support. I am finding myself in the spot of divorce where all those ugly things about a person surface. I dont like it and I have started to question myself. Some may call it survival mode, I dont really know. Everything he did for me in our marriage came back to haunt me later and would make me feel bad for it. That means every gift or any act of assumed generosity he would rub in my face later on and tell me I didnt appreciate him or that I should have done it for myself in the first place. The fact that he wants to split the rings for financial reasons tells me that his gift of the rings in the first place was never genuine. It also tells me that he is scraping everything in the bottom of that barrel to get something out of me. He has sucked the life out of me for the past 5 or so years and now he is trying to suck any shred of anything I have ever received from him. Honestly, those rings were the ONLY gifts of consequence that he has ever given me. He is an incredibly selfish person. So its not that I want to continue to wear the rings for sentimental reasons, I feel like if they are mine then I am allowed to do whatever I want with them. If that means I want to throw them in the trash then that is my perogative, no? However in my situation I feel like I will have no other choice then to sell them to try to pay off some of the debt that has accrued so that me and my three children can have a better life with less month to month debt.

You dont have to date to go to the ward. Just go and meet people your age. You never know if you can find common ground with them or maybe be able to share experiences. If you dont want to date or arent ready then DONT. But that doesnt mean you cant go to the ward. I was in a YSA ward when I went to the University of Utah. I never dated ANYONE in my ward and NEVER felt pressured to. But I did make a lot of friends, both male and female. I can understand the feeling of wanted to be anonymous but it may be easier to go 'under the radar' if you are just like everyone else in a single ward. I say, dont sweat it, try it out. Be willing to give it a go and if you feel its not working for you then dont go anymore. For me, going to church is about my own personal spiritual experience. I dont see it as a social experience at all. Some people do, but I do not. Im not sure where your head is at with this but I just dont see attending a singles ward as signing up to a dating site.

I am getting a divorce after seven and a half years of marriage. Today in mediation my husband (soon to be ex) mentioned that he thinks the wedding rings should be included in the 'community property' to be divided equally. what????????? Everything Ive read says that the ring is and was a gift and shouldnt be included. The wife keeps her ring, the man keeps his. Any thoughts? Also, is there any law that dictates what to do with them? It is my opinion that his only intention in bringing them up is the money. I had three bands and each one is probably worth approximately 2 thousand and 2,500 dollars. He does not want me to be able to sell them or for me to have control over what to do with something so valuable. Personally, I just think him asking for the rings back is tacky.

Its hard to give advice in a situation like this. I never understood why women would stay with their husbands when they had cheated on their wives....and then....IT HAPPENED TO ME. And what I decided was this: If my husband had been willing to repent and change and fix things, then I would have tried to do my best to make it happen. But he was unwilling and had decided he wanted out. You cant force a person to have desire. You cant force someone to act a certain way. They have their agency. This was a huge lesson for me. Yes, I was hurt and mad that he cheated. (it wasnt with a prostitute but in my opinion was a mid-life crisis scenario with a girl 13 years his younger). It all felt very cheap and the dispicable thing was that he waived it under my nose, constantly texting her right in front of me and taking her calls. I dont know what to say to you except for if you are willing to work on it, then hang in there for as long as you can. You will get tired of hanging and you will want to give up. Just stay in there until you think you cant do it any more. At least if it ends you will be able to say that you truly tried everything and gave your all. Something this tragic shouldnt also have a regretful ending that you were too hasty in your decision to leave. Maybe your husband needs some space to decide what HE really wants. Im sure he feels so guilty and remorseful and ashamed. I would say give him some time to deal with everything. While that is happening do your best to get as spiritually strong as you can. This is going to be critical for you to prepare you for his decision or what happens next. I wish you the best. It isnt fair for ANYONE to have to suffer this. Do you have kids? If you dont then consider yourself saved from the torture of putting a child through that torment as well.

Talk to him about your feelings. Decide for yourself first how strongly you feel about your stance. If he is not willing to respect your wishes then I would break up with him as soon as possible and RUN, RUN AWAY!!!! Do not stay with somone with whom your spirituality could be in jeopardy. Lots of people will tell you this same thing but take it from me IT IS NOT WORTH IT. Wait for someone who will respect your morals and who is more interested in making you feel comfortable with 'how far' you are going - romantically or sexually or whatever. I had a boyfriend who pressured me big time. It made me feel terrible about myself. I felt guilty at first for not giving in and let me tell you Satan has a way of being very cunning in these situations. Do not let your guard down. NOT being alone with him is a good idea but seriously if he is 'okay' with going all the way and not waiting for marriage, do you honestly think this guy is good enough for you and spiritually on the same level you are? I would seriously consider this. Sorry for using the word, 'seriously' so much.

I agree, those graphics are pretty cool.

I hired an attorney about a month ago. All the papers are in the works and that is a good feeling that the ball is rolling but I am still willing to go to mediation with my spouse to hopefully work things out in a 'cheaper' way. Yes, I started seeing a therapist. I quit though becuase this lady (LDS family services) was incredibly flakey and would show up late. One time after I had returned from a trip on a certain day JUST to NOT miss my therapist appt, I arrived and she never showed up. She later called me and asked what was going on and how things were going. I totally called her on the fact that she never showed up and even though we had an appointment thought I would excuse her because she said she had surgery. Whatever, we had an appointment and if something came up, she should have called me. Another time she showed up 30 minutes late. It just really bothered me because I had to get a sitter each time and I felt like I need someone a lot more reliable who will take what I am going through more seriously. When I move back to Cali I will get a new therapist. For now I am just floating... I have been trying to analyze what my fault is in this failed relationship. I believe I was too passive. I believe I didnt speak up. I let too many things slide. I should have spoken up more and not feared the emotional consequences of doing so. I tried to 'fix' things between us WITHIN myself and obviously that CANNOT happen. The biggest issue with our relationship was that we were unequally yoked. I think we just were not meant to be together. We belong in different worlds. The more I realize this, the less mad I feel inside for all the wrongs that I feel were done against me. I think that is a healthy way to see it. My spouse was abusive in a very very sly and manipulative way. Yes, some women would have probably run from him as fast as possible but like i said it was extremely cunning. I am happy that I did not give into his manipulation and start beleiving his lies, like how porn is 'normal' and other lies he used to tell me. When he found out I was pregnant he wanted me to miscarry and told me he wanted an abortion. Now he is asking his new girlfriend/fiance to get pregnant and telld her he wants kids. I just dont get this person. I believe he is now manipulating her. He may not want more kids but will tell her those things to make her think he is someone else. He did that to me so many times. He would tell me one thing and then the next week would take a completely different side on an issue. It doesnt hurt me anymore that he says things like that. I dont understand what he wants and I dont want to be privy to all the craziness of his life. I have become a very confrontational person with him. I have changed into someone who before would internalize my emotions and now I am no longer afraid of those consequenses of speaking my mind. I dont care if he gets mad at me, whereas before I walked on eggshells all day long. I feel free.

Crazy Potato, you are right. I DO need to ask myself why I stayed for so long. I feel like I REALLY TRIED hard to love him. And even though times were tough and I felt stifled, I just didnt think I should just bail on the marriage. I tried to work things out. He wasnt happy with me. Thats the reason things went bad. I did things he didnt like. He said he didnt want to feel quilty for going to bars instead of coming home to his family and he also didnt want to feel guilty for drinking so much and he felt like I shouldnt give him such a hard time about porn. Eventually all of his behaviors added up to me wanting out and away. For some reason it just takes longer than others. And I feel like I am a pretty forgiving person, otherwise I would have kicked him to the curb long ago. I think my situation was just so that is just barely went under the radar, meaning I never really saw it as abuse. I really saw it as two conflicting personalities and different lifestyles and we tried hard to mesh them. However we all know you cant serve God and mammon. I felt defeated trying to have the spirit in our home and teach my children what was right. He was also impeding that in some way. I felt very frustrated and honestly I could not see everything clearly until I stepped back. His demands on me were too high. Clearly there were so many things wrong with our relationship that eventually made it impossible to get along and now that he has made poor choice after poor choice I jusst want to move on and away from him.

I know what you are saying about sticking it out unless there had been physical abuse. Maybe thats why I stayed in the marriage for so long. First of all, I was LDS and he was NOT. I am also a returned missionary and very active in church. I gave him A LOT of slack and forgiveness in the area of his behavior because he isnt LDS and isnt expected to live up to the standards I have and I did not force my lifestyle on him. In our first year of marriage I found porn on the computer. I was shocked. He only did it when I was out of town or away and out of the house. He manipulated the situation and told me I WAS THE ONE THAT WAS NOT NORMAL because everyone else on this planet looks at porn. A few years later right before our first child was born I found many many porn videos. He said his friends gavei t to him at the bachelor party but the dates on the movies were AFTER we got married. I also caught him (though I never told him) getting porn movies in the mail and then he would hide that stuff from me. We didnt have the internet at the time at home so I knew he wasnt doing it then but yet he had those dvds when I went out of town. Every now and then porn would creep its way back into our marriage. I found out that he ordered a porn on our satelite tv while I was out of town again last year. He blamed it on his friends. I didnt believe him since he had a 'history' of it. Even with the porn it was NOT a deal breaker for me. He knew and understood my feelings on it. He did not keep it in the house. I do feel like it negatively impacted our relationship and we just were not growing closer. I did not trust him. Leaving him in December (the week before xmas) was hard. And looking back I wish I would have been more hard core about it but I think I handled it the best way I could in the only way I knew how. He had been drinking A LOT for the past year. I started to see a lot of changes in him but the one that was the biggest was his feelings for me. In the end I think it just became too much for him to live up to who I am as a person. In my honest opinion, he needs someone more at his level and I need someone who actually has a testimory and will treasure me for who I really am. He didnt care or value my experience and sacrifice of serving a mission or my testimony of the gospel. In some ways I threw my pearls to swine because he didnt value any of those spiritual gifts that I have. We are now in the middle of mediation and it is sheer HELL. Does anyone have any insight or advice on dealing with mediation?

Once your divorce is final: GO FOR IT. But I agree, take it s l o w and do what feels natural and organic to you. I think it is natural for people who just came off a divorce or break up to be especially guarded and/or paranoid and cautious about the people they date. I think it is extremely smart. If you do think this guy is a great guy and could be the one for you, only prayer and personal revelation is going to get you that answer that you need to move forward. Take it slow and then listen to the spirit.

I think some people might have reasons THEY OWN for not being available for dating. We all have a personal responsibility to make ourselves the best we can. And that goes for physically, as well and making us as presentable as we can. We also need to work on ourselves and our talents. Honestly I DO NOT give in to the idea (people say this about older people who arent married yet): THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM. If that were true then there would be NO WEIRD married people. I know so many odd ball couples, nerdy types, WHATEVER IT MAY BE. Those two people found eachother. I think thats all it takes. Luck has a lot to do with it. I think the reason people dont get married is because they just havent found that puzzle piece that fits them. I believe there are a lot of people who can 'fit' into that puzzle piece but someone just hasnt come along yet.

I agree somewhat about how telling it is that this girl messed up and therefore must not be as committed in the gospel. That is a good point, HOWEVER I do not believe that is completely true. She was young. All people make mistakes....especially young people. And the younger, the better because they are usually not as serious (say for example she had sex at a later age in adultry, having gone thru the temple). And she has learned from her mistakes. THAT IS THE GOOD NEWS. I had a friend who was pretty promiscuous in her teens and then ended up straightening things out and served a mission in Argentina. So if her repentance was good enough for the Lord to be one of his embassadors then what is the problem? This girl also came home from her mission, married in the temple and has been faithful ever since. I just dont understand why this issue is such a big one. Who cares if she isnt a virgin? People get divorced all the time and remarry. They are no longer virgins. What matters is that they are spiritually right with the Lord and have kept their covenants. It sounds like that is where this girl is right now. I think your biggest challenge right now is to find out FOR SURE through prayer and fasting if this girl is right for you, or not. If not, then just MOVE ON. At that point you can go looking for the virgin of your dreams. If she is right for you then you are just going to have to get over it and forget it like it never happened.

I dont have PCOS but my best friend has it and I know others who have it. Dont give up on the idea of conceiving your own children. My BFF conceived a child and a girl in my ward just had her second child. I know other women who have it as well and althought conceiving wasnt as 'easy' as the average woman, they were still able to have children. In addition, there are drugs available and ways to control some of the symptoms so that you can get pregnant. I agree with you that adoption is a wonderful alternative but Im just saying dont give up your dream. It is possible and if Heavenly Father has a will for you to bear children, he will make it so.

I cant answer why you are having such intense feelings or why you had those dreams that seemed to trigger it but seeing how it seems to be taking over your thoughts I would say that this doesnt sound healthy. My advice would be to LET IT GO. If something is meant to be with this guy then Heavenly Father will provide a way. You have to understand that this young man JUST GOT OFF HIS MISSION. He is trying to readjust to normal life. He is getting reacquainted with his family and his old connections. It sounds strange to have such a fascination with someone, especially a missionary who is 100 percent off the market as far as dating is concerned. Beyond that, he is 20, 21 years old; totally young. He probably has a whole career of school ahead of him. You seem to be in a completely different stage in your life right now. Try to move on. Get rid of those pictures and refocus on something that is real. You dont even know how he feels about you. You've got to try to move on, for your own sanity.

I dont know if this helps but A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DO!!!!!!! I also like the advice about being nice and not retaliating. I dont think making a smartalick comment back would be helpful in any way. It sounds to me like you are in High School, right? You gotta know that this is temporary. It stinks that you have to suffer with it for now but life wont always be this way. I hate that these people are being so insensative and mean but really you cant change those kids. I remember when I was in High School I felt so alone. I ate lunch alone A LOT. I felt so insignificant. My life is SOOOO different now (17 years later). I have plenty of close friends. That doesnt mean I am socially secure (I hate being in large groups) but I am very comfortable with who I am and I really like myself...even my imperfections. It takes a while to get there, but you will make it.

So far I feel totally defeated by the system, the legal system. They have their formulas and their rules and I hate how they dont take into account a lying sack of garbage of a dad. He is a better dad now than he ever was before becuase he did all his fathering AT A DISTANCE. Now he only gets to see them twice a month and at least is making an effort to actually go and do things with them. A while ago I once asked him for help getting the kids ready for bed and for him to help them brush their teeth. He said 'I dont do teeth'. In the four years weve had kids, hes only given them a bath twice and Im pretty sure he was cursing my name under his breath the entire time. He told me often that I do NOTHING and that my contribution to the family NOTHING. It was always so hurtful because as a mother I was constantly sacrificing my own needs and wants for my children as well as for him. I went without for a very long time and in the meantime he made me feel like garbage about myself and that I didnt deserve any kind of reprieve. I never felt like it was fair but I tried to please him and overall I tried to avoid a lot of contention in our home. I love my children so I have a hard time complaining about caring for them. We agreed (or so I thought) that I would stay home with the kids. After all both our moms did that and I thought that we both understood the importance of a stay at home mom. But then he would rail me for not having a job and that I should go get off my "azz" and get a job. In some strange way it became all about money for him and he was pretty cruel about it. Behind my back he would buy what he wanted and even put $850 on my credit card behind my back for a bike part. He always saw the money that he brought into the household as HIS money. Basically he made me feel like it was my job to cook and clean and I GOT to live there. I felt like a second class maid. Yes, I am happy to be getting out. Yes, I see how bad it was getting (NOW). I wish I could have seen it sooner but I cannot look back now. Thank you for your input regarding the financial stuff. I really want to stay mad about losing out on the money but truly you are right and he can care about money all he wants but it will never get his family back and it will never fix his own life and his own disasterous personal issues. Thank goodness I dont have to deal with his problems anymore. His drama is no longer for me to worry about or be angry over. Judo, I cannot believe you could only take a basket full of your belongings. That is so scary. I am so happy you are out of there. What a terrifying experience. I know it is hard to understand at the time you go through something difficult but your experience truly do and can affect others for good. So inspiring.

I didnt think he was abusive for a very long time until some really good friends had to straight out tell me. It was really hard to accept, first of all for the fact that I didnt want to admit that I allowed that kind of thing. Because when it goes on for years you are the one that allows it by not standing up for yourself. And secondly I didnt want to believe it because it worried me even more of what he was capable of. (Hes a sheriff deputy and extremely aggressive). The consequence to realizing it and now having to deal with him is that I have become extremely commbatant with him whenever we exchange words. I have gotten really mouthy with him and I get defensive super easy and I can get loud. In some ways it really bothers me and I feel like I am rotting inside. I fear of what this divorce will turn me into and I dont want that. But on the other hand I see that thats how I HAVE to be with him. Otherwise he will walk all over me and railroad me. Four months ago I confronted his 'girlfriend' and called her on the phone to find out whats going on between them because HE WOULD NOT ADMIT that she was more than just a friend. Somehow he thought if he kept saying they were only friends, then he could continue the relationship in good fiath and that I would continue to let him live in the house and be with the kids. In that conversation I had with her I divulged a little bit too much information and yes, I did tell her that he was abusive. Looking back I dont think she 'deserved' my call and she can find out for herself the good, bad and ugly about this person. She wouldnt listen to me anyways and at the time it was NOT my intent to warn her or anything like that, thats just what came out of my mouth. The further I get from this situation, the clearer I see that he has some kind of problem BEYOND me. I think he could possibly have borderline personality disorder or something. In addition, he drinks heavily and is overly overly overly selfish. Seeing that it is beyond me helps me to come to the realization that there was nothing I could have done to change the situation or to 'save' the marriage and that because of the circumstances (unless I did EVERYTHING he said and wanted me to do and act) it was all going downhill and would end.

Mirancs Thank you for your support. I so wish it was in my nature to do something like what you said about throwing the mattress out in the front yard. Believe me, I have wanted to do something like that and I think it would be quite therapeutic but alas I just dont think I have it in me. I get to hear more and more lies from him each and every day. Yesterday he allowed my children to meet his new 'finace' at the park along with her little 4 year old girl and then they all, like a new happy little family, went to Applebees. My spouse would not tell me that he allowed HER to meet them. I told him earlier that I didnt think that would be appropriate unless he is planning on marrying her (something he still adamantly denies yet I have strong and solid email proof they are planning a wedding and buying wedding rings). He is insensative and incredibly disrespectful. I cannot wait to get myself out of this situation. I hate that NV is a no fault state for divorce. That does nt hold him responsible for what he has done to break up our family. I am frustrated trying to get what I feel like I deserve and what I feel like is in the best interest of the children. His family is also very deceptive, which Ive mentioned before and they are trying to cheat me out of some of the family fortune from some of my husbands property that is being sold within the next few days. They have taken my name off of the deed without my knowledge. I am just feeling really out of control of my entire situation. I am feeling really angry inside. I have prayed and prayed and prayed, cried and cried for answers. I just want this FIXED!

Thanks Its hard because he has torn me down for so long. Judo, I will not be working on my relationship with him any longer. He is so done with this marriage (as am I). I cant do any more lies. He is aleady engaged to his new 'girlfriend'. They stayed in my house while I took my two boys to a friend's house in CA for three weeks. I had the wonderful opportunity of cleaning all the sheets and finding blood and semen on my bed. Everyday I find her hair. I am so sick of it all and the kicker is that he is STILL UNWILLING to admit anything! I realize that respect is HUGE. I tried and tried to explain to him about having two little kids. He said he was unwilling to help and that when he gets home he thinks he should just be able to "sit down on the couch and do nothing". Anytime he did anything to 'help' me he would hold it against me later and make me feel terrible about it (even doing the dishes or ANYTHING) and even said that my job is taking care of the kids and it wasnt his job to help watch them while I ran errands and that I should take them with me where ever I go. He also said that I am a mom and so I NEVER get a day off or any time to myself. I hope you can see why I am not willing to go back to this. And he doesnt want me. So it doesnt matter. He is already engaged to someone else and as far as I can tell, he may have gotten her pregnant (even though I think she is going to abort it). He is not a member of the church and looking back I wonder why I even chose to marry him. Now I must deal with this messy situation. His family is deceptive and I have cut off my relationship with them. I have felt nearly every emotion and now I am feeling scared for my future and my kids' future.

The first thing I thought of when I read that part about your career in your PB and helping people is some kind of therapist. Thats a far cry from studying astronomy and physics but thats just me. Maybe you could MINOR in those things and MAJOR in psychology and go on to go therapy or something. Im not sure but thats just my take on it. You are just going to have to pray on it.