Alcohol

[leigh23]

I grew up in a part member family. My husband is from a long line of Mormons. We recently graduated and are looking for jobs that would bring us close to one of our families. I desperately want to be close to my family, but there is one major obstacle that is standing in the way. Many of my family members including siblings, father, grandparents etc. drink alcohol. For the most part they are social drinkers, but they do like their drinks. My husband is adamant that when we have a house there will be no alcohol brought into our house. I am not sure that my family would accept that should we live near them and think that it would cause a rift between me and them. There is a distant relative in my family who years ago was Mormon for a little while and refused to let anyone drink alcohol in his house, his parents would drink it in their car in the driveway when they came over for dinner. My family (including the relative) now laughs at the story as ridiculous, but I'm not sure as to what they think is the more ridiculous part, the drinking in the car, or the refusal to let them bring it into the house. As it is now, my father will bring a six pack with him when he goes to my grandmothers house (a member) without any problems. My family would not expect us to buy it for them and have it on hand when they visit, but I am sure they would bring it with them. My husbands main point is that he does not want our future children to see alcohol being consumed and that it would send mixed messages. I argue that they will see it anyways when they visit grandpa and family and it is up to us to teach them about the choices we make in life. And there is no way that I am going to not let my children see my family because they drink, they are good people and just don't see anything wrong with drinking a little. After all we live on the east coast, its not like they will never be around it.

I guess my question is: what do other people do regarding alcohol when they have family members who are not members?

[jadams_4040]

I grew up in a part member family. My husband is from a long line of Mormons. We recently graduated and are looking for jobs that would bring us close to one of our families. I desperately want to be close to my family, but there is one major obstacle that is standing in the way. Many of my family members including siblings, father, grandparents etc. drink alcohol. For the most part they are social drinkers, but they do like their drinks. My husband is adamant that when we have a house there will be no alcohol brought into our house. I am not sure that my family would accept that should we live near them and think that it would cause a rift between me and them. There is a distant relative in my family who years ago was Mormon for a little while and refused to let anyone drink alcohol in his house, his parents would drink it in their car in the driveway when they came over for dinner. My family (including the relative) now laughs at the story as ridiculous, but I'm not sure as to what they think is the more ridiculous part, the drinking in the car, or the refusal to let them bring it into the house. As it is now, my father will bring a six pack with him when he goes to my grandmothers house (a member) without any problems. My family would not expect us to buy it for them and have it on hand when they visit, but I am sure they would bring it with them. My husbands main point is that he does not want our future children to see alcohol being consumed and that it would send mixed messages. I argue that they will see it anyways when they visit grandpa and family and it is up to us to teach them about the choices we make in life. And there is no way that I am going to not let my children see my family because they drink, they are good people and just don't see anything wrong with drinking a little. After all we live on the east coast, its not like they will never be around it.

I guess my question is: what do other people do regarding alcohol when they have family members who are not members?

Help your husband set the excample; maybe you cannot see it right now and maybe there will be many tribulations between now and when you do understand; but you must have faith that it "WILL" be worth it all the way. Someday you will see the wonderfull blessings and the lives that have been inspired because of you and your husbands insistance of no alcohol, {or cigarettes, drugs e.t.c} in your home. it is sssooo very important to set an excample.:)

[mightynancy]

When one of my brothers visits, he smokes outside. When we visit the other brother who also smokes, he just stands downwind. :) The third brother doesn't smoke, hurrah!

The greater issue for us was teaching our children to be polite about it. I think because the WoW is such a black-and-white rule, and one that's easy for kids to grasp, children tend to get carried away with zeal about it. I guess that goes for some adults, too. I talked to my kids about addictions, agency, and family love. In spite of seeing their much-beloved uncles smoke, neither of them has taken up tobacco.

That said, no notable alteration of behavior/personality comes from smoking, while someone using alcohol may be offputting to a reserved child. In your shoes, I'd lovingly ask my family to be very sparing when in my home. Only if they distress my kids would I demand a ban.

I do wonder, though, if your family members are just "social drinkers," why would there be such a need as to drink in the car before coming in to eat? They're either addicted or terribly immature.

[utcowboy]

I think this goes along with another thread that talks about respect and honoring ones home. I smoked and drank during the 20 yrs that I was away from the church but I had enough respect for my parents home that I didn't do either when I was there. If I had to have a smoke I'd take a walk or drive, go see some friends, whatever. I never even thought to bring alcohol to their house (after I grew up and realized I didn't know everything lol ).

I think that your family should respect your wishes at your house. Family gatherings at parks, pools, etc. are fair game but I would think that they would know enough about respect to keep it out of the hands of children. (tho there are always one or two uncles that think its funny when a kid get a hold of an almost empty bottle.)

[leigh23]

Thanks for the input everyone!

Those were distant relatives who drank in the cars, I don't think my immediate family (basically my father and siblings) would bring alcohol if we asked them not to, I just am worried that it would cause tension between me and them and I am not sure I am ready to deal with it.

Also my brother who was married in the temple is also in the market for a house near my family. He and his wife are ok with my family bringing alcohol, they won't supply it but they will allow it to be brought in. I think it just makes it harder for me to stand against it.

[NeuroTypical]

One thing I would suggest, is to come to an understanding that your husband IS your family. All of your brothers and sisters and whatnot are your parent's family.

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.

It's a bigger thing than you might think.

LM

[Jason76]

I don't think it's ridiculous at all to not allow alcohol in your home. It's your home, your rules. My wife's dad's side of the family all like their wine and drink it whenever we get together. The get-togethers are never in our home though, because they all know they can't drink here, so they don't bother asking us to host.

If the family is offended by your decision not to allow alcohol in your home, that's really their problem, not yours. Alcohol drives the Spirit away, and is a few hours with your family really worth not having the Spirit? What else could happen when the Spirit isn't there?

You and your husband need to agree one way or another. My personal belief is that I will not sacrifice my standards ever, no matter the occasion. Family is not exempt.

[deydream]

Being consistant is important. Let your family know from the begining that you do not want alcohol in your home. It may be difficult at first, but they will respect you in the end, and it will be worth it. You and your family will be blessed by being good examples. Don't worry if your brother does things differently, that is between him and his wife, and this is between you and your husband and the Lord.

Also think about how this could affect children, whether or not there are children now. Children are very impressionable by what they see. They notice more than you think.

[fish4kitty]

My Dad was never a member of our Church but he never allowed drinks or smokes on his property. There was no question as to what was allowed. His house his rules. He also was not afraid of standing up for what he thought was the right thing to do. Again his house his rules. If there was a question about right and wrong in his house he'd definitely set you straight. I'm sure many feelings were hurt in the beginning but you didn't have to question him a second time. If your hubby says no go it should be no go. He's the one who will have to answer for it on the other side. 2 cents

[prisonchaplain]

This is such a heartbreaking situation. My church is culturally in line with abstinence, and we practice it in our homes. However, when a family member, a non-member, drinks...especially an elder...it's tough. The counsel to stand firm is easy to give, and perhaps right. But... my heart goes out to you.

Regardless of the alcohol, there will be spiritual tension. Accept that, and be as loving as you can. Lovingly tell your drinking family members that you respect them, have no desire to interfere with their drinking, but that you are raising your children not to drink, and hope they will respect your desire not to expose them to a drinking environment, and so do not want alcohol in your home.

This is painful stuff...I wish you well.

[mightynancy]

PC, you're right that it's a heartbreaking situation. Ideally, there would be respect and caring all around!

I don't know...on one hand standing firm in one's convictions is important. However, abstaining from alcohol is only one of your convictions. You have others that compel you to love these people, to keep them included even if alcohol is a problem for them. Again, I'm not saying they can come over messed up and distress your children, and clearly if they can't come over without a drink, they have a deeper problem.

I suppose my best advice would be to pray about it, and let love guide your actions - keep righteous indignation out of it.

[Tamrajh]

We don't allow alcohol in our home either and we have family members (sons) who drink. They know it is not to be brought in the house and they are not to come here when they have been drinking. It's simply a rule we decided on years ago and it's never been questioned, it's just always been that way.

I wondered about your brother and the way his family lets others bring alcohol to their home. It may be that they haven't dared to make a stand and your example would allow them to feel comfortable with doing so. Peer pressure still exists as adults you know.

Good luck.

[Heavenguard]

If your parents and your siblings love their alcohol more than they respect you and your husband's wishes in your own home, I would not want them to be an example to your (possible future) children anyhow.

I know that sounds to cut and dry and heartless, but it's true. Not only are you their daughter/sister, but also an adult, a grown woman, and with your husband, the owner of your household. Disrespecting all those things in favour of alcohol would point to a problem in their priorities and your relationships with them.

If you trust in the love and respect your parents and siblings have in you, then a rule of no alcohol should be no problem whatsoever. If you can't trust in that love and respect, perhaps some other issues need to be worked through before you get to the "no alcohol in this house" rule.

[prospectmom]

The Elders Qurom once asked what would it take to get my husband to church .. I jokingly said a sixpack they said no problem it would have to stay in the car :} .....They were more interested in my hubby feeling accepted no matter what than being so self rightous. My husband loves these men and would do anything for them... they accepted him flaws and all.......... he will overcome his wow issues im his time and feels luckey to be welcome even if he is still struggling. The church isn't for the perfect but the perfecting.

I think you are too worried. Love them enjoy them, be a good example to them, Let them know if they already don't why you don't drink etc... and let it go . Lead by example....

[Stampede]

I grew up in a part member family. My husband is from a long line of Mormons. We recently graduated and are looking for jobs that would bring us close to one of our families. I desperately want to be close to my family, but there is one major obstacle that is standing in the way. Many of my family members including siblings, father, grandparents etc. drink alcohol. For the most part they are social drinkers, but they do like their drinks. My husband is adamant that when we have a house there will be no alcohol brought into our house. I am not sure that my family would accept that should we live near them and think that it would cause a rift between me and them. There is a distant relative in my family who years ago was Mormon for a little while and refused to let anyone drink alcohol in his house, his parents would drink it in their car in the driveway when they came over for dinner. My family (including the relative) now laughs at the story as ridiculous, but I'm not sure as to what they think is the more ridiculous part, the drinking in the car, or the refusal to let them bring it into the house. As it is now, my father will bring a six pack with him when he goes to my grandmothers house (a member) without any problems. My family would not expect us to buy it for them and have it on hand when they visit, but I am sure they would bring it with them. My husbands main point is that he does not want our future children to see alcohol being consumed and that it would send mixed messages. I argue that they will see it anyways when they visit grandpa and family and it is up to us to teach them about the choices we make in life. And there is no way that I am going to not let my children see my family because they drink, they are good people and just don't see anything wrong with drinking a little. After all we live on the east coast, its not like they will never be around it.

I guess my question is: what do other people do regarding alcohol when they have family members who are not members?

My Father in law drinks, and once in a while we go over to thier house and i see an open carona he is drinking. and it makes me sad, but it is his house.

There is nothing wrong with telling people not to smoke/drink in your house. do not feel sheepish about it.

[ruthiechan]

You need to support your husband.

What is more important? Your family drinking in your house, or your husband's Priesthood standards? Which is first in your life? Which do you want to be first? What example do you want to set for your children?

There is nothing wrong with having a rule that says, "no drinking or coming by while intoxicated." There is nothing wrong with enforcing that rule which your parents and siblings will attempt to break. If you make the rule and then let them get away with it even once they will not respect that rule and will continue to make your lives miserable.

Be united with your husband. Do NOT say to your parents and siblings, oh this is my husband's rule. No. This is YOUR rule. If you do not make this your rule as well three things will happen. The first being they'll come visit when he's not around so they can break the rule. The second being they will talk smack about your husband to you and cause strife between them and you. The third being it will cause marital strife between you and your husband.

Listen to the counsel of the Priesthood holder in your home. If you stand by him firmly you and your family will be blessed.

[prospectmom]

I think you should pray and do the right thing for you your family etc.........

Doing anything you do with the love of christ is the best wwjd