In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A priest, a minister and a guru are discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman works nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest says.

"No," says the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru says said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best praying I ever did was when I was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

[skippy740]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise.'

Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.' You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.

[skippy740]

A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report

her telephone failed to ring when her friends called. And that on

the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right

before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see

this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole,

hooked in his test set and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone

didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone

began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a

steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the

number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then

urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the

phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

[skippy740]

Those Born 1930-1979

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms........ WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the fortune to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were. L.O.L.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

[lizinginholland]

a joke i heard a couple years ago still makes me smile :)

A sheriff walks into the jail and says ''WEll boy's i got Good News and Bad News''

The good news is ''y'all get new underwear!, the bad news is You trade with you, you trade with you, you trade with you....

[Truegrits]

Nancy and Betty, and Jim and Tom were in the old people's home.

Nancy and Betty thought Jim and Tom weren't getting enough excitement, so they decided to run naked past Jim and Tom's room.

Later that night they did just that. Jim looked at Tom and said, "Did you see that? What in the world were Nancy & Betty wearing?"

"I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing."

[Truegrits]

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks one more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally giving up, the customer storms off in anger!

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

[daenvgiell]

5 men are on a plane, The pilot, a doctor, a priest, a lawyer and a student.

The pilot comes out with some bad news that the plane is going to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. The pilot says that he's taking one because he's the pilot, so he takes one and jumps out, the doctor says, "well I save lives, so I'm needed" so he takes one and jumps out. The lawyer says, well I'm smart and the world needs me to help fight against some of the problems that arise, so he takes one and jumps out.

Now it's only the priest and the student left. The priest turns to the student and says "I'm old, I've lived my life, so you take the last parachute"

"there's no need, there are 2 left"

The priest looks at the student in confusion wondering how there could possibly be 2 left.

"Well the lawyer thought he was so smart that he took my backpack"

[pam]

The President was seated next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, 'Let's talk! I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the President, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the President. "How about what changes I should make to America?" and he smiles.

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first."

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The President, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know crap?"

Edited March 16, 2009 by pam

[daenvgiell]

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

[pam]

A freshman in college started his first day of classes.

His philosophy professor was clearly an atheist, and started the day by saying the following:

"Students, is there anyone here who can see God? If so, raise your hand.

If there is anyone here who can hear God, raise your hand.

If there is anyone who can smell God, raise your hand."

After a short pause, with no response from the students, he concluded, "Since no one can see, smell or hear God, there is no God."

A student then raised his hand and asked to address the class.

The student approached the class and asked, "Students, can anyone here see the professor's brain?

Can anyone hear or smell the professor's brain?"

After a short pause, he concluded, "Since no one else can see, hear or smell the professor's brain, I conclude that he has no brain!"

Disclaimer: This joke in no way indicates my thoughts concerning our friendly atheists of this site.

[daenvgiell]

Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

[daenvgiell]

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

[daenvgiell]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

[lilered]

Two Little �Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys,

a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asked as she shook the older boy in anger.�

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.

"I was just baptizing him......in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes".

[Jamie123]

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff

What do you call a woman with one long leg and one short leg? Eileen

What do you call....can't think of any more of those.

OK..."mommy, mommy" jokes:

Mommy, mommy! Daddy's going out?

Well put some more gasoline on him then!

Mommy, mommy! I don't like Grandma?

Well leave it at the side of your plate!

Ummm....does cannibalism count as "clean humor"? OK....I'll thing of something else...Ah, I know....

What do you call a German barber? Herr Cutt!

2 women talking....

1st. Woman: I'm so depressed...

2nd. Woman: Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I get myself a new hat!

1st. Woman: I wondered where you got them from.

Edited March 17, 2009 by Jamie123

[Jamie123]

Why didn't worms go into the Ark in apples?

Because they had to go in pairs!

(Pears...get it?. Ducks to avoid the rotten tomatoes.)

The Lone Ranger is riding across the desert when he sees Tonto coming in the other direction, with several large bags of rubbish tied to his horse. He says "Where are you going, Tonto?" And Tonto replies: "To the dump to the dump to the dump dump dump to the dump to the dump to the dump dump dump...etc."

(You have to sing the last bit to make it work, and that reminds me of another....)

What's the definition of an intellectual?

Someone who can listen to the William Tell overture without thinking about the Lone Ranger!

[Jamie123]

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman were standing together under an umbrella. Which one got the most wet?

None of them. It wasn't raining.

Edited March 18, 2009 by pam
So it doesn't take up so much room.

[captmoroniRM]

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anybody can roast beef.

[Truegrits]

1st. Woman: I'm so depressed...

2nd. Woman: Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I get myself a new hat!

1st. Woman: I wondered where you got them from.

:lol:

[Truegrits]

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.

"Decipher is spelled with a 'ph', not an 'f'," I wrote. "In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program."

A minute later his reply: "Must be dephective."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[Dravin]

Okay, I read quite a few pages and didn't notice the following, if they were already posted please forgive me.

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

[pam]

if pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

congress!!!

[pam]

The contractor ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep.

After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

[pam]

The art critic of the local newspaper fixes up a sports reporter friend with a blind date.

The day after, the sports reporter storms into the newsroom and up to the art critic's desk. "What were you thinking of, fixing me up with that woman" She was cross-eyed with a long, crooked nose, flat-chested and almost bald. And her ankles were as thick as her thighs."

The art critic shrugs. "Either you like Picasso, or you don't like Picasso."