In need of some clean humor!

[skippy740]

Pajamas Media

Government Motors (GM) Unveils its First Model!

The Obama of automobiles is the vehicle all responsible citizens have been waiting for.

April 1, 2009 - by Frank J. Fleming

I have some exciting news to tell you. For the first time ever, you will have a car that’s been made using the full efforts of the federal government. That’s right; the same entity that once got man to the moon will now get you to the grocery store. Yes, unlike the moon, you’ve been to the store before, but never with the style and efficiency of a vehicle designed by your United States government.

Now that President Barack Obama is wielding greater control of the auto industry, he’s decided it’s time to design a vehicle fit for this new era. He got a thousand of the government’s best and brightest (995 lawyers and politicians and five engineers) to design a car fit for the needs of the twenty-first century while including forward-thinking sensibilities. This new car is called the B-ROC and it is truly the Obama of automobiles. Here are some preliminary features:

- The B-ROC will be efficiently sized so as to be no bigger than needed to transport a driver, his or her life partner, one optional child, and three bags of groceries of average weight (i.e., not all canned food).

- The B-ROC will boast a reasonable, fuel-efficient acceleration of zero to sixty in twenty seconds (this is based on a theoretical model capable of reaching a speed of sixty miles per hour).

- The B-ROC will be able to maintain a speed of almost fifteen times the average human walking speed. That’s faster than most land animals and still relatively safe.

Rest assured you’ll be noticed driving the new B-ROC, as it will be colored bright orange for high visibility to pedestrians and wildlife.

- To fight noise pollution, instead of a horn, the B-ROC will include a booklet of hand signals to communicate with fellow drivers in a more efficient and exact manner.

Similar to the popular OnStar system, the B-ROC will come standard with the BigBrother system. This will allow the government to keep track of where you are and what you’re saying. And if you were hoping OnStar would one day monitor for speech insensitive to race, gender, or sexual preference, then you’re going to love BigBrother! And if you’re ever in need, a helpful government social worker will be one button away with a wait time guaranteed to be no more than six hours (for safety reasons, the B-ROC must be parked during two-way communications). Never be afraid; BigBrother is watching you!

- Remote access will allow the government to open your B-ROC for you if you accidentally lock your keys inside. It will also allow the government to lock you inside if they feel they need to for your own safety

- The B-ROC’s engine will also come equipped with remote cutoff to prevent theft or stop someone from driving who is delinquent on his taxes (members of Congress and White House staff can have this feature disabled at no extra charge).

- The B-ROC will be the most environmentally friendly automobile ever designed. Not only will it have low emissions, it will be 85 percent biodegradable and will begin to slowly decompose soon after it’s driven off the lot.

- The B-ROC will support all kinds of alternative fuels, from alcohol to water (as long as it’s also filled with gasoline).

- Instead of simply recording your mileage, the BROC will also make helpful suggestions about walking when it feels you’ve been driving more than necessary. It will additionally be able to enforce these suggestions in times of fuel-shortages or other emergency situations yet to be determined.

- While the B-ROC will normally not include a cigarette lighter, it can be added as an extra option if the purchaser has a medicinal marijuana prescription.

- For entertainment, the B-ROC will include a radio capable of receiving NPR and other stations with approved, politically balanced content.

The expected price of the B-ROC will be $100,000. Though the materials’ cost is estimated at $5,000, the government will still be selling it at a loss due to labor costs from the new union contract the Democrat-controlled Congress just negotiated. Government aid will be offered to those unable to afford the price but able to show a need for faster-than-human-powered transport.

Unfortunately, the revolutionary B-ROC has already become the subject of negative rumors. Some are claiming the B-ROC is secretly Muslim, but this is untrue; it merely includes both an indicator of which side the gas tank is on and which way is Mecca as a bow to cultural sensitivity. Some have also labeled the B-ROC a “death trap,” but that is grossly unfair. While it is true that nearly all collisions with traditional automobiles will most likely prove fatal to the passengers of the B-ROC, collisions between B-ROCs will be highly survivable, and eventually those will be the only vehicles legal to drive on this nation’s highways. Estimates for B-ROC-related fatalities during this transitional period are as low as 100,000 (plus an additional 10,000 suicides from those who are unable to properly adjust to driving a B-ROC). So don’t listen to the doubters; the B-ROC is the vehicle all responsible citizens have been waiting for.

The B-ROC: It’s from the government, and it’s here to get you places!

[wonderingme]

My mother was a Sunbeam teacher. The Primary President's four-year-old son was in her class. They had a wonderful Mother's Day lesson and talked about everything their mothers do for them. She had them draw a picture of their mommy to take home.

The Primary President's son, like the other children, draws a picture. It is a suprisingly anatomically correct picture of a naked lady. My mother, a bit concerned at where he might have gotten the details, asked, "And what is your picture about?" To which the sweet little boy answered, "That's my Mommy walking around in the morning!"

[ReubenDunn]

Grandma Mary went to the veterinarians office one morning, carrying her pet parrot ‘Polly’ in her cage. Polly was lying on her back, beak up, stiff as a board.

“Well, Mary,” the vet. said. “What seems to be the problem?”

“Dr., it’s Polly, I woke up this morning and found her like this. She won’t move. What’s wrong with her?”

The vet, knowing full well what was wrong with Polly, and knowing how devoted Grandma Mary was to the bird, took the caged bird, and Grandma into the examination room.

He opened the cage, took the bird out and laid it on the examining table. He took his stethoscope and placed it on the birds chest for a few seconds. Afterwards, he turned to Grandma and said,

“Mary, I’m sorry to have to tell you this but Polly is dead. But be comforted, it looks like there was no pain.”

“Dead?!!” Mary exclaimed? “I don’t believe it!” “I refuse to believe it!” “I want a second opinon!”

The vet. tried to calm Mary down, but Mary continued to insist on getting a second opinion. Heaving a small sigh, the Vet. left Mary and walked out of the examining room.

A few minutes later he came back into the room, carrying a cat in one hand, and, holding a leash that was attached to the collar of a golden Labrador Retriever.

Approaching the table the vet let go of the cat who ran and jumped onto the table, sniffed the still parrot from beak to tail. The cat looked at both the Dr. and at Mary, shook its head from side to side, then jumped off of the table, and ran through a small cat flap in the door leading out of the examination room.

The vet. let go of the leash. The dog trotted up to the table, stood on its hind legs, and, with the front paws leaning on the table, also sniffed the bird from beak to tail. The dog likewise looked at Mary and the Vet, and also shook her head from side to side, pushed her paws off of the table, and went through a dog flap in the same doorway leading out of the room.

“Mary, I’m sorry to say, it’s been confirmed. The bird sadly has died.”

Grandma began to quietly cry, she really was going to miss that bird.

As they were gathering the remains and the cage and were walking out of the room, Mary turned to toward the Vet. and asked how much he was going to charge for the exam.

“$500.00.” was the reply!

“What!??!!” “$500.00 just to tell me that my bird has died?” “THAT”S outrageous!”

“Well Mary,” the vet. said. “Normally the fee for this would be $20.00, but with the Cat scan, and the Lab Tests thrown in.....”

[pam]

I want to laugh at just you laughing at your own joke. hahahaha

But the joke is funny.

[pam]

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man.

"Well, the parrot knows how to use a computer," the shop owner says.

"How about the one in the middle?" the man asks.

"It's $1,000. It can do everything the other parrot can do, and it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

"And the one on the right?" the man asks.

"$2,000," the shop owner says.

The customer whistles. "What can that one do?"

"To be honest," says the shop owner, "I have never seen it do a thing. But the other two call him 'Boss.'"

[pam]

A man gets interested in birds, and especially owls. He studies them in bird books, and then he starts going out to his backyard every night and hooting like an owl.

Then, one night, an owl hoots back, and for a year the man and the owl hoot back and forth. The man keeps a log of the calls. He begins to think he is on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication.

One day, his wife is at a party with a neighbor in the next block, and she confesses, "My husband has taken up the strangest hobby. He spends his nights calling out to some owl."

"Isn't that an odd coincidence?" her neighbor replies. "So does my husband."

[pam]

A man, his wife, and his mother in law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the mother in law passed away. The undertaker told them " You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother in law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." "I just can't take that chance."

[daenvgiell]

A man, his wife, and his mother in law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the mother in law passed away. The undertaker told them " You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother in law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." "I just can't take that chance."

HAHA I've heard that one before, but it still makes me laugh!

[skippy740]

A French doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."

[pam]

At her father's wake, a woman tells a priest that ever since she was a child, she and her dad had discussed life after death, and they had agreed that whoever went first would contact the other.

"I do expect to hear from him at any time," she told the skeptical priest.

A few days later, the smoke detector alarm in her garage went off. There was no fire, and she had to call the security company that installed it.

The next morning it went off again, and then it dawned on her.

"OK, Dad," she said out loud. "I missed your signal yesterday, but I get it now.

Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again."

The alarm immediately stopped, and she called the priest to tell him of the good news.

"Dear lady," the priest says gently, "if every time your father sends you a message it sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"

[pam]

A young man is filling out a job application. When he comes to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he checks the "No" box.

The next question is intended for people who answer "Yes," of course. It's "Why?"

The applicant answers it anyway. "Never got caught."

[pam]

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[pam]

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[pam]

A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[pam]

A child is playing in a park with her parents, and runs to her mother.

"Mommy, I love you," she says.

"And I love you, dear. And you should tell that to Daddy, too."

The child turns to her father.

"Daddy," she says, "I love Mommy."

[pam]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain. Alone.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historic inevitability.

Captain Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just witnessed eChicken2009, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. And, also, Internet Explorer is an integral part of chicken.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

The Bible: And God came down from heaven, and He said unto the chicken, "THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD." And the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

[skippy740]

Martin Luther King, Jr: - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road without having their motives called into question.

[talisyn]

Why did the elephant paint it's toenails red?

So it could hide in the cherry tree

[Connie]

We, as a family, like to do what are called "mad libs" sometimes. You're given a list of words to fill out such as: plural noun, adjective, adverb, color, animal, etc. And you just fill them out with whatever you want and out pops a story using those words. It can be really funny! Just google "mad libs" and a bunch of different sites will pop up that have some you can do.

Anyway, some phrases that we've had that we still enjoy laughing over are:

"Resist the urge to hope. Change instead."

"She thinks you're spicier than Karl Marx!"

[talisyn]

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?

He didn't want to fall in the hot chocolate.

Edited April 20, 2009 by talisyn

[pam]

Three men are on a deep-sea fishing boat off a Caribbean island and they get to talking how they chose that island for a vacation.

"I had a terrible fire and lost everything," the first man says. "Now the insurance company is paying for everything. That's why I'm here."

"I had a terrible explosion and lost everything," the second man says. "My insurance company is paying for everything, too, and that's why I'm here."

"What a coincidence," says the third man. "I lost everything in a terrible flood, and the insurance company is paying for everything. That's why I'm here."

The two others look at him with stunned expressions. "Flood?" says one. "How do you start a flood?"

[pam]

Lost Puppy:

I know most of you are dog lovers and will help.
Our neighbor, a widow woman, has lost her Chihuahua puppy and is desperate to find him. Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV and realized he was gone. She called out to him and he never responded. Then she noticed the back door was open! She has been putting up signs everywhere in an effort to have him returned.. He answers to the name "Tiny".



THANKS FOR YOUR HELP

[Dravin]

Okay, once again this may have been shared already (by me possibly, that's the problem with such a long thread).

A dying rich man who has been a good man all his life is still troubled by the thought that he can't take anything with him to heaven, so he prays constantly about the matter. After quite some time of this an angel appears and tells him that he may take one thing with him into heaven.

The man spends the short remainder of his life debating with himself what he should take with him and he finally settles on a piece of gold bullion. The fatefull day comes and the man finds himself standing outside the pearly gates and holding the gold. Quite happy with what has happened he lugs the gold over to the gate and is greated by St. Peter.

After a few minutes of talking Peter looks at the gold bullion and with a curious look on his face asks, “Why'd you bring a paving stone?”

[pam]

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she calls home and a strange woman answers.

Wife: Who is this?

Maid: This is the maid.

Wife: We don't have a maid.

Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.

Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?

Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife.

The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?

Maid: Of course! What will I have to do?

Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with.

The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots, then more footsteps.

Maid: What do I do with the bodies?

Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.

Maid: There's no pool here.

A long pause ...

Wife: Is this 555-4821?

[pam]

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."