In need of some clean humor!

[ozzy]

There are no extinct species. Only those that Chuck Norris allows to live.

[pam]

A woman was cutting her husband's thinning hair, when their teenage son arrived home looking for a snack. She offered a kiwifruit and tried to tempt him with its nutritious qualities. "It has more vitamin C than an orange," she remarked.

"And more hair than Dad," added their son.

[pam]

Some old-timers are killing time on a park bench swapping stories. One sits quietly while the others talk. Finally, he pipes up to tell of a day when he went fishing and ran out of bait.

"I didn't know what to do," he says. "Then I looked down around my feet and saw a small snake with a frog in its mouth. I grabbed the snake, removed the frog and cut it up for bait. I felt a little guilty about relieving the snake of its meal, so to repay him, I poured a couple of drops of whisky into his mouth.

"The snake slithered off," the man says, "and I must say, he looked contented. I went back to my fishing, but in a little while I felt something rubbing against my leg. When I looked down, there was that same snake. This time he was carrying in his mouth three more frogs."

[pam]

A man standing in the waiting room of an automobile repair shop is staring intently through the window into the shop area.

"What are you looking at?" the shop foreman asks.

"I've been watching that mechanic for the last 15 minutes. Now there's a man who knows his business! He didn't spill a drop of oil on the ground. He put the hood down gently, fastened it, then wiped it to make sure there were no fingerprints on it. He wiped his hands on a clean towel before opening the door, spread a clean cloth over the upholstery, then backed out slowly and carefully into the street."

"Yeah," says the foreman. "That's his own car."

[Kenny]

Why is being Christian like being a pumpkin?

First God comes and takes you out of the vegetable patch.

Then he washes off all the mud and dirt and takes you into His house.

Then He opens you up and scoops out all the yucky stuff and the seeds of doubt hate and unkindness.

Then He fills you with light and warmth.

Last of all He puts a new smiley face on you that lets everybody see what's inside you.

[pam]

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, a father took his 4-year-old daughter on his afternoon rounds.

The little girl was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

At one point, the father found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As the man braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

[pam]

A young teacher of an earth science class is lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asks a young fellow in the back row, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence the boy replied, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

[Mahone]

At one point, the father found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As the man braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

This reminds me of something that happened to me as a child. I don't remember this taking place, just what my parents have told me.

My family owned a rest home for the elderly, and a lot of the bedrooms had tubs available for the residents to keep their false teeth. I was following my mother around the various bedrooms, she cleaned the sink and it was my job to clean the tubs the teeth were normally in. I wasn't aware of their purpose however and as it was the middle of the day, they were all empty up until about the eighth room. As I opened the tub, I was greeted with a pair of false dentures smiling up at me; I nearly jumped out of my skin in fright.

As you can imagine, in every room after that, I cleaned the sink and my mum cleaned the false denture tubs.

[pam]

A man has his annual physical, and afterward the doctor tells him, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," the patient says, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, I have," answers the man.

"Well, what did they have to say about it?" the doctor asks.

The man replies, "They're in favor, 10 to 2."

[pam]

A district attorney is questioning a prospective juror for a murder trial that has been publicized in all the papers.

"If the defendant were to be convicted tomorrow, could you kill him for his crime?" asks the district attorney.

"Well, no," the man replies. "But I could do it on Saturday, if that would be OK."

[Jamie123]

An Indian Chief assembles his tribe and asks:

"Who push outhouse over cliff?"

Nobody says a word. Again the Chief asked and again there was silence. The Chief sighs and goes on, saying:

"Big Chief tell story. Many moons ago, George Washington was little boy. Him cut down cherry tree in his father's garden! George's father ask 'Who cut down cherry tree'. George reply 'I did, father." Him tell no lie and him get no whipping! So tell me: Who push outhouse over cliff?"

Finally the Chief's son, raises his hand.

"I push outhouse over cliff."

The Chief smacks the kid hard around both ears, sending him sprawling in the dust. He gets up and says to his father:

"You say when George Washington tell no lie him get no whipping!"

The Chief replies:

"George Washington's father NOT IN CHERRY TREE when George chop it down!"

[Jamie123]

A vicar is sitting in his study writing his Sunday sermon when his 6-year-old daughter wanders into the room. She watches him for a few minutes and asks:

"Daddy, does God tell you what to write?"

"Why of course He does," replies the vicar smiling. "Why do you ask?"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was wondering why you kept crossing bits of it out!"

[Jamie123]

First woman: Whatever happened to that dumb blonde your husband always used to hang out with?

Second woman: I died my hair!

[pam]

A 13-year-old boy is puzzled over a girl problem, and he talks it over with his 14-year-old brother.

"I've walked to school with her three times," the younger boy says. "I've carried her books. I bought her ice cream sodas twice. Now, do you think I ought to kiss her?"

"Naw, you don't need to," his brother says. "You've done enough for her already."

[pam]

A wealthy businessman begins to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant. Fortunately, a doctor is seated at the next table and jumps up to remove the bone, saving the man's life.

As soon as the fellow has calmed himself and can talk again, he thanks the surgeon profusely and offers to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaks gratefully.

"OK," replies the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

[pam]

This in no way is towards our current administration. It could have been about any President.

The President slips away from his secret service personnel one night and goes for a walk. He sees a lake and decides to take a swim. He is splashing around in the lake when he starts to have trouble. Three good ol' boys see him and realize that the man in the lake is drowning. They jump in and save him, pulling him to shore. When they got him out of the water, they realized who they had saved. "Gosh you're the President!" They exclaim. The President says "Yes I am, and for saving me, I'll give you the one thing you've always wanted. Just name it and it's yours."

The first guy wants a new pickup truck, so the President tells him to go pick it out.

The second guy wants a new deer rifle, so the President tells him to go pick it out.

The third guy tells the President that what he wants is a white marble headstone that says 'Here lies a country boy who risked his life to save the President of the United States'.

The President asks him why he wants that.

The third guy answers "Once my daddy finds out I didn't let you drown, he's gonna kill me!"

[pam]

A mother asks her little girl what she wants most for her birthday. Says the child, "A baby brother."

"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," her mother says, "but there isn't time before your birthday."

"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry?" the little girl says.

"What's that?" asks the mother, puzzled.

"Put more men on the job."

[RipplecutBuddha]

A truck driver was known for wasting time and calling in troubles that weren't serious. In short, he was not very good at his job. He called the breakdown department. As soon as they knew who it was, the supervisor got on the phone.

"What's the trouble this time?"

The driver sounded very upset.

"I've run over a pig and he's stuck in my tires. What do I do?"

Here the supervisor got upset

"Whaddya mean 'what do I do'? Wedge it out and bury it next to the road! You're gonna be late again!"

Then he hung up. An hour and a half later, the same driver calls back. The same supervisor gets back on the phone.

"Now what?" He asks. The driver replies "You never told me what to do with his motorcycle."

[pam]

A burglar, having broken into the largest home in an affluent neighborhood, was slowly making his way through the master suite when a loud voice shouted, "Jesus is watching you. Freeze!"

The burglar stopped and slowly waited for the approach of the speaker. However, after sensing no movement, he beamed his flashlight in the direction of the voice. There, on it's perch, was a parrot.

"What's your name?" the burglar asked the parrot.

"Moses," the bird replied.

"Who would name his parrot Moses?" laughed the burglar.

"The same person who would name his Doberman Jesus."

[Guest]

An 8-year-old boy goes to the cashier at Wal-greens with a tampon in hand. The cashier wondering why he would want a tampon asked the boy, "Did your mom ask you to buy this for her?", to which the boy replied, "No. It's for my little brother." The cashier, suprised, asked, "Do you know what it's for?" Oh yeah, "See, my brother is only 4 years old and the TV commercial said that if you use a tampon you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Although, I'm not quite sure if our river has a heavy flow or light flow. What do you think?".

[Guest]

A man was walking in the middle of the forest when he found a naked guy asleep on the ground. He was so excited because he realized he is in the middle of Paradise because he just saw Adam.

Question: How did he know it was Adam?

Answer: (Man, this would have been better if you have to wait for a drum roll or something)

The sleeping man had no belly-button.

[Misshalfway]

What if the hokey pokey really IS what its all about???

(hahaha. I saw that in a little shop I went into last night. Had a little chuckle.)

[pam]

A couple were throwing a dinner party for all the major bigwigs in town. The wife was very excited about the party and wanted everything to be just perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket and gather some snails.

Grudgingly, he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down the beach and talk to me."

He went back to gathering the snails for the dinner party. All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing over him. They got to talking and she invited him back to her place for a drink. Well one thing led to another, and the man ended up spending the night at her place. At 7 AM the next morning he woke up and shouted, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"

Quickly he gathered up all of his clothes, grabbed his bucket of snails, ran out the door and down the beach. He ran up the stairs to his beach house. He was in such a hurry when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails, strewing snails all the way down the stairs. Just then the door opened, and a very angry wife was standing over him demanding to know where he had been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then looked at his wife, then back at the snails and cried, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

[pam]

A lady went into a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said. He showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up.

"Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet," he said.

[pam]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from skipping."

There actually might be a lesson in this.