In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

Three men escape from prison. One tells the others that since the guards will soon be looking for them, each of them ought to climb a tree. "When the guards come," he says, "make animal sounds to throw them off."

The other two agree, and they climb into different trees to hide.

A while later, a group of guards reach the area. One thinks he sees something in one tree and shines his flashlight into the branches.

"Anyone up there?" he yells.

"Tweet, tweet," comes from the tree, and another guard says, "Oh, it's only a bird. Move on."

The guard looks into another tree, thinks he sees something and says, "Anyone up there?"

"Whhoo, whhoo," the second man replies. "Ah. It's only an owl,"says the leader. "Let's go."

At another tree, and one asks, "I wonder if one of the prisoners is up there?"

And when the guards shine their flashlights into the branches they hear: "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

[ryanh]

huh?

It's spam of sorts. The whole purpose of the post is simply to post the link in the signature, in an effort to boost search engine ratings.

[pam]

Thanks Ryan. I didn't even notice the link in his signature.

[talisyn]

It's spam of sorts. The whole purpose of the post is simply to post the link in the signature, in an effort to boost search engine ratings.

Well gee, at least he could have posted a joke!

[pam]

A general goes on a tour of his brigade's headquarters, only to find out to find that no soldiers are there. One finally runs up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir. I can explain," he says. "You see, I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it. I hailed a cab, but it broke down. I found a farm and bought a horse, but it dropped dead, so I ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The general is skeptical, but he lets the man go, thankful that at least one man is now at headquarters. Moments later, eight more soldiers come running up to the general panting.

When he asks them why they're late, one man replies, "Sorry, sir. We were out on a date and it ran a little late. We ran to the bus but missed it. We hailed a cab, but it broke down. We found a farm and bought horses, but they dropped dead, so we ran 10 miles, and now we're here."

The general eyes the men suspiciously, but since he let the first soldier go, he lets these go, too. Then another G.I. jogs up to the general, panting heavily, "Sorry, sir. I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it. I hailed a cab, but ..."

"Let me guess," the general interrupts. "It broke down."

"No," says the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

[Moksha]

Photons have Mass??? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

[omega0401]

This is dedicated to all of you who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, and then she was heard to mutter, "Well, darn, that's why no one was at church today."

Edited April 10, 2010 by pam

[Moksha]

Good Things about Zombies

Zombies are always willing to have Mormon Missionaries over for dinner....

[daenvgiell]

Good Things about Zombies

Zombies are always willing to have Mormon Missionaries over for dinner....

I think the more accurate way to explain this is that Zombies are always willing to have Mormon Missionaries for dinner

[nbblood]

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, the world's greatest athlete, the world's smartest man, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.

The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

The athlete was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

The smartest man rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

[nbblood]

Here is the real guide to good nutrition.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain ... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

[nbblood]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[rameumptom]

1. * My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE *.

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished

cleaning.'

2. *My mother taught me RELIGION *.

'You better *pray *that will come out of the carpet.'

3. *My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL *.

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next

week!'

4. *My mother taught me LOGIC .*

' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. *My mother taught me MORE LOGIC *.

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the

store with me.'

6. *My mother taught me FORESIGHT *.

'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. *My mother taught me IRONY *.

'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. *My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS *.

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. *My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM *.

'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. *My mother taught me about STAMINA *.

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. *My mother taught me about WEATHER *.

'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. *My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY *.

'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. *My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE *.

'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. *My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION *.

'Stop acting like your father!'

15. *My mother taught me about ENVY *.

'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world

who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. *My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION *.

'Just wait until we get home.'

17. *My mother taught me about RECEIVING . *

'You are going to get it when you get home!'

*18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE . *

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that

way.'

*19. My mother taught me ESP . *

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

*20. My mother taught me HUMOR . *

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

*21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . *

'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

*22. My mother taught me GENETICS . *

'You're just like your father.'

*23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS . *

'Shut that door behind you. Do you t hink you were born in a barn?'

*24. My mother taught me WISDOM . *

'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

*25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE . *

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

And Guess What??? They Did. And I sound more and more like Mom every day!

[rameumptom]

Why the Allies beat the Axis in World War II:

[Moksha]

Vishnu was sitting with St. Peter at the main desk in front of the gate. Watch St. Peter process a load of new arrivals, Vishnu spoke up and asked if he might handle the next one. St. Peter said okay, as the next arrival to be processed for gate transport steps up to the desk.

Vishnu looks long and hard at the report after scanning the arrival. Vishnu then looked up and smiled. "May Ganesha bless you," Vishnu said. "You have obeyed everything ever asked of you and never questioned anything you were told to do. That is a very rare quality."

The arrival felt relieved, "What's next Sir?", he asked. Vishnu pondered then said, "With such rare qualities as this, you shall return this time as a Worker Ant".

[candyprpl]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

[candyprpl]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

[pam]

After hearing a presentation on motivating employees, the owner of a large business posts signs that read "Do It Now" on the wall of every department at his business. It is impossible for the employees not to see them all through the day.

Not long after, a friend drops in and, seeing the signs, asks if the scheme really worked.

"Well," says the business owner, "not exactly the way I thought it would. The cashier ran off with $20,000, the office manager eloped with my secretary, four of the employees asked for raises, and the office boy decided to become a bank robber."

[candyprpl]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[candyprpl]

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Another type, the computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problems.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural Amercia.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack --- once if by LAN, twice if by C: *groan*

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your file for 75 years.

[Guest xforeverxmetalx]

Did you hear about the travel problems caused by that volcano? Yep, it's a pain in the ash.

[talisyn]

We definitely need an 'ouch that hurt my brain' button.

[Moksha]

A friend sent me this one:

An Amish boy and his parents were visiting a mall. While the mother looked for cotton fabric for a new apron, the father and son stood around, amazed by almost everything they saw. They were especially amazed by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is that, father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

"Could it be a time machine?" asked the boy. “I heard about this movie picture show where people leave the earth in shiny vehicles.”

"Praise the Lord", said the father. "There sure are miraculous things in the city."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

[Tamiele]

I haven't read any posts in this thread yet so hope this isn't a duplicate. I discovered CartoonStock - Cartoon Pictures, Political Cartoons, Animations.. This site is hysterical. The cartoon clips I have seen are all clean so I hope that is true for all of them, but I cannot say for sure. Just visit the site, scroll through the cartoons and LYBO!!

[nbblood]

The really great thing about the new health reform is that it will significantly simplify preparation and paying of taxes. The Obama administration has introduced a potential new tax form that they plan to call the 1040 Super-EZ. It is represented below.

Last Name:___________________

First Name:___________________

SSN:____-___-_______

Line 1: How much money did you make this year? ______________

Line 2: Send it in.

Signature (Optional):__________________________