In need of some clean humor!

[HEthePrimate]

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time."

The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd all drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me."

The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!"

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way.

One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal."

The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the Mormon Church, and I had to quit drinking."

[john doe]

Hmmmm, that joke sounds vaguely familiar, only the guy is from Wyoming.

[Wingnut]

http://www.lds.net/forums/mormon-jokes/19066-irishman-walks-into-bar.html

Hence the familiarity.

[john doe]

No, I'm thinking of one started just the other day.

[HEthePrimate]

Oh, no! Somebody beat me to it!

[pam]

It's one I posted on the Mormon joke forum.

http://www.lds.net/forums/mormon-jokes/20318-western-ingenuity.html

[pam]

A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding. "How are we faring?" his king asks.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the West!"

"Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."

[pam]

A man lies sprawled across three seats in a theater. When the usher comes by and sees the man, he whispers to him, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groans but doesn't budge. The usher becomes impatient.

"Sir," the usher says, "if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groans, which infuriates the usher. He turns and marches briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager return and stand over the man. Together the two of them try repeatedly to get him off the seats, but with no success. Finally, they call the police.

The policeman who is sent to the theater looks the man over, then says, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Joe," the man moans.

"Where ya from, Joe?" the cop asks.

"The balcony."

[pam]

A defense lawyer is questioning a witness for the plaintiff. The witness is a career criminal who isn't cooperating on the stand. After one answer, the lawyer sneers, "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."

Says the witness, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

[pam]

A parish priest is being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. The mayor, who is a member of the congregation, is chosen to make a little speech at the dinner, but he is delayed in traffic, so the emcee asks the priest to make his own remarks while they wait.

"You will understand," he tells the crowd, "the seal of theconfessional can never be broken. I got my first impressions of the parish, however, from the first confession I heard here, and it made me think I had been assigned to the worst parish in the diocese."

He pauses, thinking, then says, "Of course, I can only hint vaguely about this, but the very first man who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when a policeman stopped him, he almost murdered the officer. He also told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

The crowd is applauding when the mayor arrives, and he's full ofapologies at being late. He immediately begins to give his tribute to the priest."I'll never forget the first day Father arrived in this parish," says the mayor. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first parishioner to go to him in confession."

[pam]

Last week, I went on vacation to visit my aunt on her farm. On the first day, one of her chickens died so we had chicken for dinner.

On the second day, one of her pigs died so we had pork for dinner.

On the third day, her husband died so I left before dinner.

[pam]

A doctor from the city opens a practice in a small country town and starts making house calls. One of his patients is an old farmer, but after only a few visits the doctor stops going to his house.

The puzzled farmer finally calls the doctor to ask what's the matter. "Don't you like me or something?" he asks.

"No," says the doctor. "Its your ducks at the entrance. Every time I enter the farm, they insult me."

[Churchmouse]

Do you know the difference between the Bird Flu and the Swine Flu?

For the Bird Flu you need tweetment,

For the Swine Flu you need oinkment.

[pam]

A clerk in a shoe shop tells the owner that she is getting a good many complaints about a model of shoe that the store has recently begun to sell.

"I think we ought to sell out just as fast as we can," says the clerk. "We could advertise the shoes as a wonderful bargain and lower the price just a bit."

"No, no," says the owner. "I won't make any false representations. I've never done that and I won't start now."

She thinks for a minute. "No," she says, "I just won't do it. It is an inferior grade of shoe, and I will never pass it off as anything better. So do this: Put it in the window and mark it 'A Shoe Fit for a Queen.' A queen doesn't have to do much walking."

[pam]

A pedestrian was walking along the street looking for a better mode of transport, like a bus or tram. He spots a taxi coming in his direction. He stands on the side of the road and shouts: "Taxi!"

The Taxi driver drives past and shouts back: "Pedestrian!"

[pam]

An aging grandfather is fond of telling stories about the good old days, and his grandchildren always want to hear more. One day, thegrandchildren and some of their friends are gathered around him on the porch, and the old fellow starts in again.

"When I was a boy about your age," he tells them, "my momma could send me to the store, and I'd get a ham, a quart of milk, half a dozen oranges, two loaves of bread, and a comic book--all for a quarter. You can't do that anymore."

The children shake their heads.

"Nope," he says. "Those dang video cameras are everywhere you look."

[pam]

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his computer.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

[Moksha]

Once Xarta had converted, he was fully accepted by his Mormon pals.

[pam]

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change ..."

[pam]

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldn't bear passing her by.

He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little lady, that's done!"

"Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."

[pam]

Too much information:

When making those "final" plans, caution should be the watchword.

A couple were discussing what they would do if one of them died.

The woman: "Would you marry again?"

The man: "Definitely not."

She: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

He: "Of course I do."

She: Then why wouldn't you get married again?"

He: Okay, I'd remarry."

Woman, hurtfully: "You would?" Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

Man: "Where else would we sleep?"

She: "Would you put away my pictures and replace them with hers?"

He: "That would seem the proper thing to do."

She: "And would you let her use my golf clubs?"

He: "She can't use them -- she's left-handed."

[pam]

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.

The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.

[pam]

Father Malloy had the best of intentions -- but things happen!

The good father was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"

[pam]

A very successful politician parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the politician started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the politician finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you politicians are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most import ant things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the politician.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOSH!!!" screamed the politician.

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* "My Rolex!!!"

Edited June 21, 2009 by pam

[Guest Godless]

The CIA has just announced that they've discovered a Twitter account belonging to Osama bin Laden. His first Tweet: "lolz, deth 2 am3rika!!!". The national threat level has been raised to amber.