In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. "Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

[pam]

Two ladies of a certain age have been friends for many decades. Over the years they have shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, they've been meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, one is shuffling the deck when she looks at the other and says, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glares at her. And continues to glare at her. Minutes pass.

Finally she says, "How soon do you need to know?"

[pam]

Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing.

After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water.

After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.

Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro asks, "What did you say?" Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro again asks, "What?" Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"

[pam]

A young man from the city goes to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle shows him the usual things, the livestock, the crops. After three days, however, it is obvious that the nephew is getting bored, and the uncle is running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle has an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seems to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he goes, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returns.

"How did you enjoy that?" his uncle asks.

"It was great," the nephew says. "Got any more dogs?"

[pam]

A man mentions to his landlord that the tenants in the apartment over his are rather noisy.

"Many a night they stamp on the floor and make a huge racket almost until midnight," he says.

"That must bother you terribly, doesn't it?" the landlord asks.

"Not really," the tenant says. "I'm usually up practicing my sousaphone till about that time most every night anyway."

[nbblood]

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

[nbblood]

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

[Truegrits]

A helicopter loses power over a remote scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there is a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door.

"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who opens the door.

She thinks for a minute..."No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay near by."

[candyprpl]

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse.

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

Ewwwwwwww!

[candyprpl]

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Well Bill went and bought some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so he added some thinner to the paint. Well it still covered but not as well as it did at first. He was still using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint. Well, the paint was too thin to cover well but Bill still kept on painting. All of the sudden there was a bolt of lightning and a loud voice from the sky proclaiming, "Repaint and thin no more!"

[pam]

Two older women who have known each other for years meet one day for lunch. One confides to the other, "I don't think my husband finds me attractive anymore. As I get older he doesn't even bother to look at me."

"I'm so sorry for you," her friend says consolingly. "As I get older, my husband says I get more beautiful every day."

"Yes," says the first woman through her sobs, "but your husband's an antique dealer."

[Moksha]

There was this young man and his beautiful young wife who decided they wanted to join this prestigious Baptist church somewheres down south.

So they went to see the Pastor.

"Do you LOVE the Lord?" the Pastor inquires.

"Yes, we do!" the couple reply.

"Do you LOVE Jesus?" the Pastor asks.

"Of course!" the couple say.

"Then..." says the Pastor, "y'all must prove yourselves worthy. I call on you to abstain from all sex for one week. If you can do that, come back, and you will be welcome to join our congregation.

So a week goes by, and the couple is once again in the Pastor's study.

"So!" he asks, "Were you able to prove yourselves worthy? Have you abstained from all sex for all this week?"

"Well..." the man mumbles, "you see, Reverend, it was like this...we did fine for the first couple of days. It was tough, but we were strong. Then it started to get hard...real hard! But we were still strong! But then, last night...we were in the supermarket, and my wife had on this short skirt, and she bent down to pick something off the bottom shelf... I'm sorry, Reverend, but I was weak."

So the Pastor shakes his head and says "I am sad to hear that; well, I'm afraid you are not welcome in our congregation."

"Yeah..." the wife says, "we thought you would say that... matter of fact, we're not welcome in the Piggly Wiggly anymore, either."

[nbblood]

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[nbblood]

A man was traveling north to Alberta. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into a stall. He sits down and was surprised to hear someone in the next stall say, "So how ya doing?"

The man gulps and thinks about what he should say and then decides to answer. So he clears his throat and says, "uh....I'm fine."

Then the stranger in the next stall says, "So where are you headed?"

Again the man, a little nervous answers, "Uh...I'm headin north to Alberta."

Then the stranger asked, "So what have you been up to?" Again the man answers, "Not much, I'm actually on a business trip."

The man sat there waiting for another question when finally he heard the stranger in the next stall impatiently say, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back, some idiot in the next stall thinks I'm talking to him."

[pam]

A stranger is about to enter a little country store when he sees a sign reading, "DANGER, BEWARE OF DOG" posted on the glass door. Inside, he notices a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.

"Yep, that's him," the man replies.

The stranger snickers. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[Moksha]

Golden Gazette

Golden, Colorado

April 30, 2010

Dear Editor,

Our zoo once again apologizes for one of our bears escaping right

outside of your town. One clue that might aid in the recovery of

this bear, is the fact that he is attracted to the smell of asbestos.

To that end, you might warn the citizens of Golden, as well as the

Sheriff's Department, to search for him near the beer filtering vats

at the Coors Bottling factory.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

With gratitude,

Moksha

Assistant Zookeeper

.

[pam]

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."

[pam]

A defendant is on trial for murder. Strong evidence indicates he's guilty, but there is no corpse. In his closing statement, the defense attorney decides he has to make that work to his client's advantage as best he can.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury," he begins his summary, "I have a surprise for you." Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looks toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all stare intently. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

The lawyer turns back to the jury. "I made up my statement that the presumed victim would appear," he says. "But all of you looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. Sometime later, the jury returns, and the foreman announces its verdict: "Guilty."

"But how?" asks the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, we looked," the jury foreman says. "But your client didn't."

[omega0401]

THE BATHTUB TEST

During a visit to the seniors home, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[pam]

A woman very much enjoys singing, but she has a voice that would send even alley cats running. In fact, when she practices while her husband is home, he leaves the house and stands on the sidewalk in front.

Curious, one day she asks him why, every time she sings, he takes up his position on the sidewalk.

"Well, my dear," he says, "I just want to make sure the neighbors don't think that I'm beating you."

[pam]

After meeting with the regional manager, the head salesperson musters the troops.

"People, listen up," she says. "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale."

"A fire sale?" one agent asks. "But we sell insurance."

"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," she replies coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

[pam]

A young man is trying to sell his old car, but potential buyers disappear when they see it has 250,000 miles on it.

One day, he tells his problem to a friend, who says, "You can make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," the fellow replies.

"OK," says the friend. "Here's the address of a mechanic I know who owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer back to 50,000 miles. Then you should have no trouble selling the car."

The young man follows up and makes the trip to the mechanic. About a month later, the two friends bump into each other again, and the fellow who had recommended the mechanic asks, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," the young fellow says, "I took it off the market. After all, it has only 50,000 miles on it."

[talisyn]

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims!

[nbblood]

Question: What is the true definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana’s death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This message is sent to you using Bill Gates’s technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that use Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistani lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal immigrants. Of course if you need tech support you can call the tech support line, manned by employees in India.

That, my friend, is Globalization!

[nbblood]

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says,

“Grandpa, make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No.”

The little boy goes on, “Please Grandpa…please make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”

The little boy then says to his sister,

“You go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says,

“Make a frog noise Grandpa.”

The Grandpa says, “I just told your brother no, and I’m telling you no.”

The little girl says, “Please…please Grandpa make a frog noise.”

The Grandpa says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”

The little girl replied,

“Because Mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!”