Most Stress in 35 years of marriage...

[Kaaskop]

I appreciate the chance to get some objective input here - I'm wondering if anyone is experiencing the same thing....

I love my wife dearly - we've raised 3 wonderful children, are both now in our late 50's living at home with our oldest son as we look to put away enough money for some sort of retirement. We are both professionals - I work from home - my wife is a public employee.

My oldest son is 26, served a very honorable mission, lived independently for a while and started 2 different careers before recognizing he disliked the direction his path was taking and returned home to go back to school. This was 2 1/2 years ago.

My wife and I didn't live 35 years together in this marriage without learning commitment. We've had many ups and downs, but always managed to work through the low points, rejoice in the high points and have ended stronger for all of our experiences. Until now.

We've hit a roadblock that seems to have shut down our ability to communicate on the same page. It's an emotionally charged issue: our son.

When "Bill" came back home to live with us, it was with the understanding that it was to assist in getting through his education. So far, he's done extremely well on that score - now getting ready to transfer away to a 4 year school.

At the time he returned home to go to school, I discussed with him the difference between living in our house as a "child" as opposed to living with us essentially as a "room mate." This was based on less-than-optimum results we had experienced during his high school years. I even went so far as to write down the important issues to which he signed on.

He said he would be unable to take on a job because he wanted to focus on his GPA and studies. His mom agreed - I did not. One of the issues Bill had in high school was too much online internet gaming, hours on end, which decimated his GPA and required him to redo quite a bit of his high school work in Junior college. He has a car (for which we co-signed while he was working) and insurance payment, which I felt was his responsibility to take care of. So far he's been using grant money for those obligations, not exactly as I envisioned for him, but it covers his payments, tuition and books. Mostly.

Bottom line, although he started out OK, within a few months he regressed into living like he was still a teen-ager. The room is a demolition zone, World of Warcraft is on the computer 5 hours a day or more, he's not employed even part time - we are paying for his gas, dates with his girlfriend, other expenses, etc., with a bank card that his mother gave him. Every time I try to discuss these issues with my son, my wife intervenes and says she can't live with "all the discord." She's fully vested in our kids, and her maternal instincts have always been dead-on when they were little, but I feel it's doing him no favor at this point in his life. Attempts to discuss this alone with my wife invariably end with "Why do you hate him so much?"

That cuts me to the quick. I love my son dearly, but also feel a responsibility to see that he stands on his own as much as possible and learns to honor his commitments.

(Example: He did take a summer sales job last year. Instead of saving the money for car payments, or school expenses, or money for dates, etc., he spent it all on sports equipment.... my wife's credit card purchased his books the next semester.)

I'm proud of his academic accomplishments, but not of his progress from child to adult. I struggle to keep my cool when he asks "when's dinner?" each day. (I do much of the cooking since I'm home most of the day..) Now, as it turns out, instead of going away for the last 2 years of his undergraduate work, he's looking to stay at home to save the costs.

I realize it's mostly a problem of communication between my wife and myself - but so far the topic always ends badly when approached - accusations, blame, etc. etc.

We need to diffuse the emotion somehow, and get on the same page for all of our sakes.... especially in light of the fact we might end up extending this situation for another two years....

[Misshalfway]

Well, I agree with you regarding your son. I would definitely want to see more responsible actions on his part. If it were my son, there would definitely be a contract in place with certain stipulations and consequences if expectations are not met. And if I were to be really honest, I don't know if I would let him live at home without a job. I think it is outrageous that you all are paying for his entertainment and his girlfriend. And I wonder if he is indeed taking all he can get from you.

With regards to your wife's behavior, it makes me wonder why she insists on taking such care of him. Is she afraid of losing him? Or losing the feeling she gets by taking care of him? Is she afraid to offend him by setting some rules or afraid that he will fail if she doesn't help?

I really believe that such parenting is sending all the wrong messages and in the end will weaken your son.

I don't know how you diffuse the situation. It appears to me that your needs and wishes aren't being listened to at all. And as long as your wife gives into him, it puts you in a terrible position. Something does need to be done. I couldn't go on this way.

[BenRaines]

As someone who has been married for 33 years I have a little experience in this area. We four children. Each as they went away to college were told that they were being given a one year scholarship that was renewable based on grades. The three oldest, all girls, decided to play while they were out of the house away at college. One is now a single mother working and supporting her daughter and herself, her ex husband sends 40 dollars a month in child support. She is great at sales and makes a good living.

Third daughter is a home mom.

Second daughter served a mission and has returned to school on her own and just received her associates degree while working full time and living with her sister. She is now moving home, at 29, to work on her bachelors. She has a car, we cosigned, car insurance, goes out with friends, goes to California to the beach, buys clothes. Returned to her mission for a visit in South Africa. She does all that with her own money. All this while maintaining a B average.

When she moves in with us she will need money to do the things that she wants to do. We will provide housing, food and that is it. She will need to take care of the rest.

As long as the two of you see it differently it will be impossible to resolve.

More than anything I am wondering what kind of husband he will eventually be.

Oh we have a son too. He just turned 25. Served a mission, worked for a year before his mission, worked since he was 13 each summer.

While he is in school I pay his tuition, books and living expense. He pays for his dating and snowboarding, etc. He just married and now he is paying all his own expenses. This semester he is working 12-17 hours a day so that he can go to BYU Hawaii in January to finish up his International Business degree. He also maintains a B+ average at BYU.

At 25 I think it is going to be very hard to change his habits and even more so by yourself.

Ben Raines

[Guest JHM-in-Bountiful]

My story is a bit different than of your son. I did not leave home until the age of 32. That was in 2002. I graduated from high school in 1989 and attempted to go to a junior college. I basicly dropped out towards the end of the fist year. I have social anxiety disorder and depression which prevents me from working. I did work off and on between 1989 and 1999. My highest paying job was only $6.50 an hour. That was only a part-time job. I did help pay for rent and a couple small bills during this time. There was great friction between my mother and step-father. My mother wanted to "care" for me while my step-father was ready to kick me out of the house. They knew I'd never leave home. I would not let them purchase gifts for me. Why let a parent buy me a birthday gift when they are spending money to support me? They still bought them because they loved me. I felt so awful that I was creating the tension in the household. I will admit there were other factors in their marriage that were a problem, aside from me staying at home. I applied for social security disability. After several denials and a court hearing, I was awarded a favorable decision. A couple months after the hearing I moved to another state and now live a single life. Six years into being "independant from my parents", I have become a much better person in almost every aspect of my life. I did have to ask for a 200 dollar loan from them, but promptly paid it back 2 months later. I've not needed thier assistance for any other reasons. Your son is going to college to better his life. That is different from my disability status. I do understand your point of view and also how your wife feels as well. I saw it from both ends for many years. Unfortunatly I'm unable to much advice. I think all 3 of you need to sit down and have a family meeting and review or set-up new rules, ect. I've been in conseling for most of my life. Some type of counseling service may be an avenue you might want to look into. If not, maybe talking to your Bishop. He may have other suggestions. I hope things will work out for all of you.

John

[brother01]

Why not talk to the wife and try to do a joint call to Dr. Laura?

[countrygirl66]

hi just a thought

I am just starting out with my oldest son being almost 19 and moving out in two weeks. He has chosen to pursue other options than school right now. As I read your post I wondered if maybe your son is playing two ends against the middle. I ask because my son tries to do it to me, (ex he will say mom talk to dad, i know you will help me with xxx but dad won't unless you talk to him). I did this to my mom and dad to, (although I moved out when I was 18). He may be kind of stuck himself and not happy but not ready to move on. My oldest gets mad and stomps his feet and says we don't care about him when we say no to money and then gets really mad when we say we are giving you the blessing of independence. Maybe the three of you could sit down and make some goals and decisions and you and your wife could agree not to do anything for him without discussing it first. Take care and I realize I am not in your shoes but I was a minipulative teen/young adult once upon a time.

[mightynancy]

LOL Brother01 - you know what Dr. Laura would say!

Barring disability, that boy needs to get out. Seriously. For his own good.

My DS is only 12 (13 tomorrow!) and he's already on notice. Really, DH and I got into the parenting game late. Being that the kids can work and borrow their way through university, and we can't borrow our way through retirement, he's on notice that he's on the YOYO plan. That would be the You're On Your Own plan. He will be a 21-year-old man when he hits the books in earnest after his mission.

Okay, back to you. Is it possible that your wife is a little worried about what she'll do with you when there are no "kids" around? I hear the empty nest brings pretty big changes to a relationship...even happy changes can be daunting. Does she need to be needed? Is she secretly worried that your son really can't/won't make it out in the world? I pray you can find a way to talk together that won't make her feel defensive nor make you feel frustrated. All the best.

[Kirajo]

Hey if he signed something agreeing to the conditions of living with you....he's got some rules to follow unless he wants a kick in the pants by Judge Judy eh?

[rameumptom]

I have a son at home that is 29 years old. He has social skills issues that I don't think he'll ever overcome. However, we do not coddle him. He "rents" a room from us, so he pays his own way. When he came back home after some severe struggles in his life, we gave him 6 months free while he put his life back in order and to get into a decent job. He's done his part.

You and your wife need to discuss this together, with the advice of your bishop, trusted 3d party, or a counselor, if necessary. Both of you share your views, and seek to find a compromise. So, your kid is still at home. Okay. But it can't be a freebee. Either he's your kid and will do chores, have limits on play time, etc., or he's a renter.

The bishop or adviser will help your wife understand that to coddle him is to prevent him from moving forth in life. He has to have responsibility. Many people have worked and gone to school at the same time. I worked full time in the USAF, held callings in bishoprics, raised three step-kids and went to college all at the same time. You aren't asking him to do all of this, just some of it.

Of course, each child has strengths and weaknesses. We need to ensure we are helping them grow, without coddling them in their weaknesses.

[checkerboy]

Yeah I was with my parents for 8 months while my wife and I were seperated. I was severely depressed as well but I still bought most of my own food. They didn't charge me rent but I expect that if I wasn't working or making the effort to better myself they would have sat down and talked to me. My mom fell into the same camp as your wife. She loved having her oldest home again and treated me like I was still dependent on her. It is a serious issue I think. Maybe you and your wife should see a counselor if you can't get communication going on your own.

[richlittell]

I agree with Rameumpton, the real issue here is not who is right or wrong (I think many here, having your side of the story, would see things much the same as you).

The real issue is resolution, and since there seems to be a stalemate, you must get a third party involved here, your Elder's Quorum President, a Relief Society sister, or more especially the Bishop. You both need to layout your cards before this (these) parties. It will help your wife if she sees other people understand your point of view, that it is just not you (and, of course, you might get an insight or two.)

good luck

[Heavenguard]

Kaaskop, your wife is doing exactly what my aunt is doing for my cousin. He's 26, and despite having worked full time for three years, has no money in the bank because he spends it all on his car, his girlfriend, and entertainment. When he went on vacation last month, he "borrowed" $3000 from his mom. (Borrowed is in quotes because I know he'll never give any of it back to her.) She pays his credit card bills. My aunt and your wife, are not doing their sons any favours, although they believe they are. My cousin and your son will never learn to be self-sufficient men men of responsibility and integrity with their mothers treating them as babies.

You must tell your wife that making your son responsible for himself is not hating him, but rather loving him, because you know that he can't live like that (off you and your wife) forever. A man that lacks responsibility and integrity will not make it in the working world. He may have a girlfriend now, but no good woman wants a man who won't take care of himself, because there's no security that he'll take care of her. If he doesn't learn to manage his money responsibly, he'll never be able to afford his own place. Does your wife expect him to live with you till he's 40? 50?

Your wife sees your son's "needs" now, but you need to tell her that she needs to look towards not only his, but your (the both of yours) futures as well. If he never learns to stand on his own, how are you going to continue to help support him after you retire? If anything, your son should be helping to support you, his parents, after you retire, but that part's just my opinion. It's not a realistic plan for you (or her) to continue to baby him, because it's just not sustainable.

[MorningStar]

It sounds like you are communicating just fine. Your wife, on the other hand, seems to be plugging her ears and yelling, "LALALALALALALALALALA!!!!" She's an enabler. It sounds like she would rather die than risk hurting your son's feelings or causing any negative emotions for him whatsoever. She probably fears him getting so upset, he won't want to talk to her again. And if he's threatening anything like that, he's being manipulative. This kind of thing happens with my husband's brother. You call him on his lousy behavior and he threatens to "leave the family". Most of us say, "Yeah, go ahead. It wouldn't last 5 minutes." Well, it terrifies his Mom and she starts begging everyone else to be nice to him.

This is what I would do. Maybe take your son for a nice drive/lunch far away from your wife and explain this stuff to him. Tell him, "I love you, but I think you know you haven't held up your end of the bargain and that your mom is too soft to do anything about it. I think you know that this situation isn't good for you. You are a smart man. What do you plan on doing about it? This is putting our marriage in jeopardy and you need to either start taking responsibility for your own finances or find another living situation that will work for you and the other party. Your mom and I aren't going to be around forever and the best thing for you is to sacrifice and do whatever you have to do to survive." Something like that. I know if it were my parents, my dad would put his foot down and not care how much my mom cried about it. That's ridiculous that your wife thinks that's a sign of you hating him. I would ask, "Why are you so afraid of expecting him to be a man?" Oh, and my answer to "When's dinner?" "When you're done fixing it, free-loader! That's when!"

At the least, I would nip the gaming situation in the bud. Is the computer in his room? I would say, "No job? No money? No games." If he didn't agree, I'd pack his bags. Either that or start shutting off the power to his room. (I did that to a roommate once who wouldn't stop blasting her radio at night. She thought we had a mysterious electrical problem.)

[WANDERER]

Hey...nearly thirty and totally dependent on his parents...that's not exactly great...I agree that it's not entirely healthy for him to be doing that.

Breaking it up:

Looking after his living expenses...many would charge board to cover the costs of food, household bills and expect some effort towards domestic chores. He's lucky. But he needs to clean his room or get his own place.

Petrol and books....that's pretty generous...if he has no other source of income I can understand supporting him with costs related to academics...kind of.

Other expenses: not really....this is called sponging. If he's abusing the bank card then perhaps store cards: petrol and bookshop cards might be considered if you still are able to and want to help him out there.

So either he needs to get a college loan (since he doesn't want to work) or get a part time job. One or two nights a week isn't going to kill his grade level. He needs to think about doing this for the next two years as it's not part of the original agreement and fair enough. Some negotiating needs to be done here in order to retain peace...it might not be that you get everything you want either...but a little bit of give.

What he does with his spare time is what he does with his spare time...as long as his grade level is good it's really a side issue as long as he's still doing what he has to do. When you think of all the stuff he could be getting into instead..computer games is not all that stressy (no I'm not into computer games...I'm just a realist..it's not drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn or promiscuity...thank goodness for that...it's a minor annoyance on the scale of things). Don't know how that will work out as a married guy..probably drive his wife a tad insane ...but that's something only he can sort out for himself. In the meanwhile he's in his room and not bothering anyone ; )

[LolaBella]

I agree that this is potentially a very damaging situation. My 21 yr old brother lives at home with his pregnant girlfriend. He expects to be fed altho he does pay rent. My Parents disagreed on how to deal with him. My Mom coddled him and Dad wanted him to be independant. Unfortunately this issue was the straw that broke the camels back and they eventiually divorced. i would do as one poster suggested and have a heart to heart with your son. Then one with your wife, telling her how much you love her, does she have any issues or anything she wants to discuss? Because I think she too is perhaps scared of the next stage in her life-i.e no kids at home. You can resolve this but you MUST communicate. If your wife refuses then it sounds harsh but you may need to give her some sort of ultimatum-'honey, unless we can work together on this and be united, I'm worried that our marriage may be in trouble'. It could be the kick she needs to change her attitude.

[applepansy]

My husband and I are almost in the same pair of shoes you find yourself in. We have been married 32 years. The difference is that I would never give any of my "wannabe-adult" children a credit card, nor would my husband.

When our now 24yo son moved back home, we had the same conversation you had with your son.

Now 2 years and 3 months later. His room doesn't look any better. I can't be proud of accademic accomplishments because there are none. He works construction and is a hard worker (I am proud of this). And he gets himself into difficult situations.

He lost his drivers license and ended up $5000 in debt for tickets and his truck impounded. He would have like for us to bail him out completely. Hubby said absolutley not, I said we need to help him, but not enable him. He moved home, brought his dog, and the rules are; He pays us back every penny before he moves out, He cleans up after himself, He has to help make dinner occassionally, and do other chores as asked, He is suppose to make arrangements for his dog with somebody else when he's not working.

The reality is he pays us (good). He cleans up after himself after I threaten to not tend his dog while he goes out Or when his dad threatens to take his dog to the pound (not good). His room looks like it always has (a mess, not good). I refuse to do his laundry so he does it....sort of (well he's doing it. Jeans, colors, whites. . .one load). My house is a mess, thanks to the dog and my son. I will be throwing out what once was a very nice couch due to the dirt and dog. (My son comes home and plops himself in from of the TV dirty clothes and all, with his dog right there next to him. The couch is not only dirty, it stinks. It will be gone before winter and I'm NOT buying another one for him to ruin. He can sit on the floor.

While he was without driving privileges I drove him to and from work . . . for two years. Two years because that's how long it took him to get everything paid off so that he would be allowed to drive. At one point a kind neighbor picked him up and drove him to work on his way to work and we insisted our son pay our neighbor for gas. I did not drive him to his friends, I did not drive him to the movies. If I was going downtown and he had errands where I was going, great! He could come along.

When he got his license back we didn't buy his car. We will not cosign. The truck we got out of impound was repossessed. If he can't keep current on payments there is not way I can afford to cosign. My hubby did find a used small truck he could afford. Our son paid for it.

Today, we're making progress. But there is still contention. Mostly over his refusal to take responsibility for his responsibilities. Now that he's driving he's gone more. He's not interested in going back to school. He's dating but its more "hanging out" than dating. He's made some mistakes that will follow him.

There is contention, I disagree with some of the absolutes my husband enforces and I disagree with the arguing. My son will ask me to borrow money or tend his dog or whatever before he'll ask his Dad. How do my husband and I deal with the contention? I have all the same feelings your wife does except that I know my husband loves our son and has his best interest in mind. Some day we're not going to be here (death? Illness? enconomy/finacial issues? who knows?). We will not be able to provide a roof, food, or doggy babysitter forever. So it is imperitive that our son learn to stand on his own two feet and survive . . . live with the consequeces of his choices. I'm not doing him any favors by always absobing the blow of the natural consequences of his choices.

Example of choices: Do I buy sports equipment or books? Do I go on a date or buy dog food? Do I anger my parents and cause contention or accept responsibility? Do I go to a movie or put gas in my truck to go to work? There are consequences to every choice we make in live. To absorb the consequences of our childrens choices is to teach them that somebody will always be there to help them out.

Slowly . . . Our son learning. But we have had to let him fall. It is very painful as a mom to let your child fall. I have shed many tears. We still help him, we just don't jump everytime he falls. Sometimes we take an extra day or two to make the decision together whether we help him out again. He has to wait and he has to be patient. And he has to WALK on his own in this life.

The difference between me (as mom) and your wife (as mom) is that I realize that I can't be here for children for their entire lives and I will be held accountable for what I didn't teach. If I am always picking up the pieces of the messes he gets into what am I teaching him? Nothing good.

I have some suggestions. 1. PRAY! and fast. . . go to the temple with your wife and spend some time praying about this particular son 2. try to find some quiet time to talk to your wife and do not let your emotions get out of control, except when you say to her I love you. 3. Put your thoughts and feelings in a letter. . .no emotion involved. My parents (married 51 years) communicate best when they write to each other. 4. Maybe let your wife read the responses here. 5. Talk to your bishop...he can refer you to counseling that will be helpful. . . and I could go on.

It has been when we've been at the temple that some of the best answers to problems with our children have come and the answers haven't just come to me or to my husband but to us both. Example: on the way to the temple (30 minute drive) we were talking about what to do about a concern over our older son age 27. We didn't come to any conclusions on the way. While we were waiting in the chapel for the next session, we were sitting together and I opened a set of scriptures to read while waiting. The first words I read were "for my sake be gentle with the young man." I handed the scripture to my husband and pointed out the passage. This hit us both strongly. . .it was our answer.

Our Heavenly Father is as concerned for your son as he is for you and/or your wife. Sometime its hard to step back and let Heavenly Father take over the parenting of an adult child. As I see it, He was my son's Father first, before we were his earthly parents. Our Heavenly Father has a more prefect knowledge of what my children need than I do. I most certainly can step back and let God take over.

My marriage came first and must remain first because without our marriage we destroy "family" for our wayward children. My children come second and must remain second. We love them. We want to help them. But. . .we want to help them the right way. . . enabling them to continue in behavior that will not help them grow is wrong.

And we must always respect their agency. We cannot force our solution to their problem.

I've said a lot and maybe too much. I hope you find something in my experience helpful.

applepansy

[BenRaines]

How is it anyone can work a full time job, even at minimum wage, and not be able to at least, living at home, pay their own gas, food, entertainment. If they can't then get two jobs. I have had two jobs before.

Most that can't spend it on drugs or alcohol.

Ben Raines

[FunkyTown]

I disagree, Ben - Not that I support this kind of thing, but...

40 hours a week at minimum wage - Let's call it $8/hour at minimum wage(I don't know what it is in the US). That's $320/week minus tax and unemployment insurance. Maybe $1000/month. If he gets a single room in a major city, that will probably be $600/month on up. Insurance and gas, or even food comes and goes and suddenly minimum wage doesn't cover even the bare minimum.

I say if you make minimum wage, don't have a car. You can squeeze by, then, and it'll inspire you to look for something better.

[BenRaines]

In each of these cases they are living at home. Living at home and can't make it on $1,00 a month. Most don't pay rent and can't live on $1,000 a month.

Something is wrong here. Can't make it on $1,000 a month and have to ask parents for spending money.

I bet they have the latest cool cell phones, IPods, as soon as the latest video game comes out they have it, online gamer accounts, clothes, lots of clothes and not from Target or Mervyns, from Abercrombie, Hollister or whoever is the latest trend.

Bottom line is they have been spoiled and nothing more.

I understand that a few here have children with some special needs and that should be the exception to the rule and not the standard.

Ben Raines

[rameumptom]

I agree. If I made $1K a month and was single, I could live comfortably and afford college.

[jazzy225]

In each of these cases they are living at home. Living at home and can't make it on $1,00 a month. Most don't pay rent and can't live on $1,000 a month.

Something is wrong here. Can't make it on $1,000 a month and have to ask parents for spending money.

I bet they have the latest cool cell phones, IPods, as soon as the latest video game comes out they have it, online gamer accounts, clothes, lots of clothes and not from Target or Mervyns, from Abercrombie, Hollister or whoever is the latest trend.

Bottom line is they have been spoiled and nothing more.

I understand that a few here have children with some special needs and that should be the exception to the rule and not the standard.

Ben Raines

I had a renter up in Washington not paying his rent, his kids had all new cell phones and there were two new cars in the driveway. Yet, he couldn't pay the rent.

I have no credit cards, I dont buy anything unless I have the money saved for it. I pay cash for cars and will not use credit.

My kids have a budget, at 16 and 18, and are doing really good.

They know the consequences of credit and living within your means....

BTW, My wife and I chose to live on one income for the last 18 years to provide a stable home for our children with my wife at home.

[BenRaines]

My wife and I have lived on one income for 33 years and raised four children. They didn't have everything they wanted but had everything they needed.

Ben Raines

[RachelleDrew]

I cannot believe that your wife would ask you why you "hated" your son. She's seriously being rediculous with a statement like that.

I've met so many parents in your situation, it is not your responsibility to pay for your son's dates and World of Warcraft subscription. It IS your responsibility to teach him how to pay for these things himself.

I will never understand college students who live at home by choice. By 17 I was out of my parent's house and I did everything in my power to continue living out of the house.

Why on earth would you want to live with mommy and daddy unless it was absolutely nessecary? I just don't get it, most kids are dying to leave by the time they hit college.

[BenRaines]

Often, we as parents, make it too comfortable for our children to want to leave home.

Ben Raines

[applepansy]

How is it anyone can work a full time job, even at minimum wage, and not be able to at least, living at home, pay their own gas, food, entertainment. If they can't then get two jobs. I have had two jobs before.

Most that can't spend it on drugs or alcohol.

Ben Raines

In my son's case. . .no drugs, no alcohol, just teenage male hormones raging. . . I know it sounds impossible but truly traffic fines were the problem. If you think this unbelieveable then check out how much a ticket for driving without insurance is for the first offence. Then while you're at it check how much the second ticket for the same offence is? Then check how much the third ticket is and add an accident to it. He was living on his own when he got himself in this hole. He paid his way, but couldn't afford car insurance and the things he "had" to do with his friends.

The point I was making is that I can understand how adult children can come between parents. I don't agree with my son's choices which landed him in a situation that required our intervention - at his request. But I'm not going to let him go to jail over traffic tickets and I'm not going to let him live on the streets. A roof, a warm bed, food and a ride to work is where I draw the line.

It is very hard especially for mothers to turn their backs on their babies (no matter their baby's age). Its hard for Father's too. When there is differences of opinions. the only way to make it work for Mom and Dad is often a compromise. . . but most definitely children (of all ages) must feel the consequences of their choices so that they don't continue making the same mistakes and expecting mom and dad to bail them out when they are in their 50s and the parents are in their 80s.

Do I understand how my son got himself in a situation where I had to step in? . . . NO!!! What I do understand is that unless you are very careful in today's world you can't live on minimum wage and get into trouble. Even people in their 50s. . . and don't get me started on the elderly and affording their retirement.

I agree with other people who posted that its possible to make it on your own in our world today. My older son does it... my youngest daughter is doing it and going to school. They haven't moved back home. But then they haven't made stupid choices and dealt with the consequences either.

I think a good question to ask when dealing with adult children is "How would I handle this is it was a stranger?" And "How would Christ handle it?" The first takes the emotion out of it. . .the second put charity back in.

Kaaskop, thank you for your post. . .and good luck to you and your wife. From your post it was evident you love your son as much as your wife loves him.

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