Can God help you forgive someone that has done you wrong?

[Gatsby]

For several past months, I've had this unhealthy obsession with a person who did me wrong. It occupies most of my time. I wish I could delete this painful memory. Forgiving someone who has done you wrong ought to be the hardest thing to accomplish, at least for me it is.

I'm looking for tips, what do you fellas do when you are hurt by someone who has done you wrong and can't seem to let go? What tips does God offer?

[Heavenguard]

Probably the hardest, but most healing thing you can do (or that I do) is to pray for that person, for their needs, and for their goodness, and for God's grace and blessings to be upon him/her.

In my case, I've been praying for a guy, and also the girl that reappeared in his life and can't decide if he wants to be with her instead of me. Fun scenario for me? By no means. Am I hurt? Yes. Am I upset at him or blaming him? No.

I'm not praying for him to choose me, because I'm not even sure if it could work anymore. But I am praying that if he chooses the other girl, that she's good to him, is what he needs, they are a good support for each other, etc. It hurts even to pray like that, but I know that that will heal over time. But I have no bitterness or anger in me over it.

[Guest ceeboo]

For several past months, I've had this unhealthy obsession with a person who did me wrong. It occupies most of my time. I wish I could delete this painful memory. Forgiving someone who has done you wrong ought to be the hardest thing to accomplish, at least for me it is.

I'm looking for tips, what do you fellas do when you are hurt by someone who has done you wrong and can't seem to let go? What tips does God offer?

Hello Gatsby,

Yes God can help :):)

IMHO, one of the biggest challenges for Christians is to forgive as the Lord taught us to do.

True forgivness is not earned nor negotiated, it is a gift that we choose to give to eachother while expecting nothing in return. ( A monumental challenge to us ALL,indeed )

Forgive is not to forget. You can ( IMHO ) forgive others while also making a choice to not allow yourself or others to be in a situation to repeat the " hurt ".

When forgiving, it truly does release us as well from weights and anger that allows us to move on in peace and enables us to share our peace with others.:):)

These are just my opinions, hope they help :):)

God bless,

Carl

[NeuroTypical]

One thing that helped me was the intellectual understanding that the offender is loved by God, even though they did what they did. I worked at understanding how God could do that. I worked at understanding the lives of those who offended me, and how they might have come to such a state. I cultivated a feeling of tenderness towards their griefs and stresses. (In no way did that justify their offenses, it just helped me understand them better.)

Another thing that helped me was the understanding that I don't know what is in someone's heart. I can't write their destinies and say I know they will offend again. I can only predict future behavior based on past behavior and current expressed attitudes.

It can indeed be difficult to forgive - especially in situations where the offender wasn't caught, hasn't faced any negative consequences, seems to be enjoying the fruits of their offense, or continues to offend others. Learning to accept these people as your neighbors, and loving them with your best approximation of how God loves them can seem almost impossible.

But forgiveness really has nothing to do with the other person at all. It's an internal process that cleanses you of feelings that take you further away from the pure love of Christ.

Kind of the catharctic moment in my life was when I got on my knees and was finally able to pray for the person that raped someone I dearly loved. I tried, but couldn't do it for a number of months. I kept wanting to pray that the law would find him. That he would understand the pain he had caused. That the rest of us could be protected from him. Those were all fine things to pray for, but I hadn't forgiven him, and I wanted God to do something to him to give justice.

I knew I had forgiven him when I was able to pray that he could find happiness and rest in God. When I examined my heart, and found tenderness for him there, and sorrow that he was taking himself away from God - that's when I knew I had forgiven.

If I should ever see him again, I would protect my family from him. But I've forgiven him.

[Moksha]

I think you feel better when lack of forgiveness is not standing between you and God. :)

[Gatsby]

Thank you all for your kind words. It sounds crazy to me to pray for that particular person. It doesn't make sense at all to me but that's what the Gospel recommends. :)

[Guest tomk]

For several past months, I've had this unhealthy obsession with a person who did me wrong. It occupies most of my time. I wish I could delete this painful memory. Forgiving someone who has done you wrong ought to be the hardest thing to accomplish, at least for me it is.

I'm looking for tips, what do you fellas do when you are hurt by someone who has done you wrong and can't seem to let go? What tips does God offer?

That you must forgive this person who has wronged you, I take it you understand why this is. We have no hope for forgiveness of our trespasses unless we forgive others.

Christ is willing to forgive this person who has wronged you. Asking yourself why He is willing to do this and how He is able to do this is very important for you to think about. When you realize the answer, you will be able to forgive this person who has wronged you and not think about it anymore.

Realize that this is a process, and that it may take some time! The Lord IS willing to help you and comfort you and remove this from you, but you must submit to His timetable and wisdom. Learning to forgive others and have compassion, even for those who have despitefully used you and have persecuted you is a very very important part of mortality. We can infer this from the Savior's directive to forgive those who have wronged us. Doing this is KEY to eventually obtaining Godhood!

May the Lord bring you peace and comfort.

[applepansy]

Yes, Its possible and untilmately our forgiving someone who has hurt us isn't for that person ... its for us. It is hurtful to ourselves to carry around the weight of hurt and resentment.

The commandment:

Matt. 5: 44

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

The promise:

Matt. 5:45

That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: . . .

One suggestion: After you pray, when you have the thoughts about this person and how hurt you are, do something to change your thoughts. Sing a primary song, Read the scriptures, . . . whatever you do, deliberately change your thoughts. Think of somethng else. Eventually you will have forgotten.

applepansy

[Guest ceeboo]

Yes, Its possible and untilmately our forgiving someone who has hurt us isn't for that person ... its for us. It is hurtful to ourselves to carry around the weight of hurt and resentment.

applepansy

Hello applepansey,

Thanks for that :):)

DITTO :)

Peace,

Carl ( The guy who STILL doesn't have any peaches )

[applepansy]

Hello applepansey,

Thanks for that :):)

DITTO :)

Peace,

Carl ( The guy who STILL doesn't have any peaches )

Your welcome. . . BTW the peaches are sitting on my counter with a sticky note attahced. It says "ceeboo's peaches. Do not eat"

appelpansy

[HiJolly]

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should

find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm any

hostility."

-- Henry Wadsworth

HiJolly

[RachelleDrew]

Depending on what was done (and you don't have to reveal that if you aren't comfortable) you may want to look into counseling, if it was something VERY bad then you may need help along with prayer.

On another note, sometimes i've been at a point where it seemed impossible to forgive someone for their bad works. So I instead forgave them for my own well being, not for theirs. It may seem selfish but when you forgive someone it's every bit as much for YOU as it is for THEM.

Keep in mind, if you continue to keep obsessing about the issue then you are allowing the bad deed to continue over and over again.

[Gatsby]

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should

find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm any

hostility."

-- Henry Wadsworth

HiJolly

I like that quote a lot, thanks for that!

[Gatsby]

Thank you all again.

I was very active in the church before this person did me wrong. I have regular therapy sessions and even take antidepressants. I just wish to wake up one day and having an entire day without having this intrusive memory haunt me.

I have to admit that it's very hard.

I have revenge, vengeance on my mind. I just hope that I don't act on those negative emotions. I know I won't but sometimes I just want to pray to God and ask Him if he could get even for me which is also not good.

[Elgama]

I have been offline and didn't see your post intially - I have seen hatred that stemed from events in 1986 in our branch (ward at the time) nearly destroy and still threaten to hurt it today one of the lady's became so embittered that she treats everyone badly. I am the only one in the branch she knows has forgiven and forgotten a lot worse and she struggles with me because I can turn round and tell her no matter what forgiveness has to happen - anyway its best form of revenge to ensure the person that hurt you doesn't get their way. This is the story that sustains me when I struggle

To help family members understand the principle of forgiveness, read or tell the following experience as told by the late Chief Blue of the Catawba Indian nation:

One day my eleven-year-old son went squirrel hunting with six other Indians. He saw a squirrel run up a tree and climbed up to scare it out on a limb. After he had done this he called to the others to hold their fire until he could get down. One of the Indians in the hunting party had always been jealous of me and my position as chief. He and his son both shot deliberately at my boy. He was filled with buckshot from his knees to his head. The Indians carried my boy towards home and found a spot where they lay him while they ran for the doctor.

A friend came and found me and said, “Sam, run home at once; your boy has been shot.” I ran all the way home and found my boy near death. The doctor was there and said my boy would not live. He was right; the boy died in a few minutes.

The man and son who had done the shooting were in my front yard visiting with members of the crowd that had gathered. They did not appear to be upset at their deed. My heart filled with revenge and hatred. Something seemed to whisper to me, “If you don’t take down your gun and kill that man who murdered your son, Sam Blue, you are a coward.”

Now I have been a Mormon ever since I have been a young lad and I knew it would not be right to take revenge. I decided to pray to the Lord about it. I walked to my secret place out in the timber where I always have gone to pray alone when I have a special problem, and there I prayed to the Lord to take revenge out of my heart. I soon felt better and started back to the house. But again I heard something inside whisper, again I turned back and prayed until I felt better. On my way back to the house I again heard the voice say, “Sam Blue, you are a coward.” I turned again and went back to pray and this time I told the Lord he must help me or I would be a killer. I asked him to take revenge out of my heart and keep it out. I felt good when I got up from praying. I went back to the house a third time and when I reached the house I went out and shook hands with the Indian who had killed my boy. There was no hatred or desire for revenge in my heart. (See Marion G. Romney, The Power of God unto Salvation, Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year [Provo, 3 Feb. 1960], pp. 6–7.)

The grandchildren, great grandchildren are still solid members of the church because of his example I remember a story about one in the New Era

-Charley

[Gatsby]

I have been offline and didn't see your post intially - I have seen hatred that stemed from events in 1986 in our branch (ward at the time) nearly destroy and still threaten to hurt it today one of the lady's became so embittered that she treats everyone badly. I am the only one in the branch she knows has forgiven and forgotten a lot worse and she struggles with me because I can turn round and tell her no matter what forgiveness has to happen - anyway its best form of revenge to ensure the person that hurt you doesn't get their way. This is the story that sustains me when I struggle

The grandchildren, great grandchildren are still solid members of the church because of his example I remember a story about one in the New Era

-Charley

Thank you for sharing that, that's quite impressive. That father had character!

Edited October 22, 2008 by Gatsby

[Guest tomk]

What an amazing story.

Also what comes to mind are the Amish community who visited the mother of the man who killed those children. President Faust references the incident in this talk:

LDS.org - Ensign Article - The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Also, President Hinckley gave a wonderful talk on Forgiveness:

LDS.org - Liahona Article - Forgiveness

I have read this talk numerous times, and even knowing what story is told, it still makes me cry when think how this woman forgave her attacker.

[Gatsby]

What an amazing story.

Also what comes to mind are the Amish community who visited the mother of the man who killed those children. President Faust references the incident in this talk:

LDS.org - Ensign Article - The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Also, President Hinckley gave a wonderful talk on Forgiveness:

LDS.org - Liahona Article - Forgiveness

I have read this talk numerous times, and even knowing what story is told, it still makes me cry when think how this woman forgave her attacker.

Forgiveness comes more readily when, like the Amish, we have faith in God and trust in His word. Such faith “enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive.”

All of us suffer some injuries from experiences that seem to have no rhyme or reason. We cannot understand or explain them. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord. But because it happens, it must be endured. President Howard W. Hunter said that “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see.”

That's a good read.(The Healing Power of Forgiveness)

[Traveler]

For several past months, I've had this unhealthy obsession with a person who did me wrong. It occupies most of my time. I wish I could delete this painful memory. Forgiving someone who has done you wrong ought to be the hardest thing to accomplish, at least for me it is.

I'm looking for tips, what do you fellas do when you are hurt by someone who has done you wrong and can't seem to let go? What tips does God offer?

I do not believe that we can forgive without the Holy Spirit guiding us. Once I was ridding my bicycle when I was run of the road by a pickup truck with laughing occupants. I did not get the license plate but for several minutes as I had picked myself up and continued my ride (with blood dripping) I was thinking of how I might find the pickup and get even. My mind was full of dark thoughts.

Then I thought of how I enjoy ridding and being outdoors. I thought how my time alone riding gives me time to ponder spiritual things. Then a thought came to me. They had hurt me and stolen some of my time to think of pleasant things – Why should I allow them to steal more of my thoughts and time even after they are gone. Within a few moments I had let the whole thing pass and then a said a little prayer suggesting that they be forgiven and the whole incident forgotten – I asked that this thing not be considered at the Day of Judgment. The rest of my ride became one of my most enjoyable and of all my thousands of rides it is still one that I remember as being a good worthwhile spiritual ride.

The Traveler

[Gatsby]

A time back, I clipped a column from the Deseret Morning News, written by Jay Evensen. With his permission, I quote from a part of it. Wrote he:

“How would you feel toward a teenager who decided to toss a 20-pound frozen turkey from a speeding car headlong into the windshield of the car you were driving? How would you feel after enduring six hours of surgery using metal plates and other hardware to piece your face together, and after learning you still face years of therapy before returning to normal—and that you ought to feel lucky you didn’t die or suffer permanent brain damage?

“And how would you feel after learning that your assailant and his buddies had the turkey in the first place because they had stolen a credit card and gone on a senseless shopping spree, just for kicks? …

“This is the kind of hideous crime that propels politicians to office on promises of getting tough on crime. It’s the kind of thing that prompts legislators to climb all over each other in a struggle to be the first to introduce a bill that would add enhanced penalties for the use of frozen fowl in the commission of a crime.

“The New York Times quoted the district attorney as saying this is the sort of crime for which victims feel no punishment is harsh enough. ‘Death doesn’t even satisfy them,’ he said.

“Which is what makes what really happened so unusual. The victim, Victoria Ruvolo, a 44-year-old former manager of a collections agency, was more interested in salvaging the life of her 19-year-old assailant, Ryan Cushing, than in exacting any sort of revenge. She pestered prosecutors for information about him, his life, how he was raised, etc. Then she insisted on offering him a plea deal. Cushing could serve six months in the county jail and be on probation for 5 years if he pleaded guilty to second-degree assault.

“Had he been convicted of first-degree assault—the charge most fitting for the crime—he could have served 25 years in prison, finally thrown back into society as a middle-aged man with no skills or prospects.

“But this is only half the story. The rest of it, what happened the day this all played out in court, is the truly remarkable part.

“According to an account in the New York Post, Cushing carefully and tentatively made his way to where Ruvolo sat in the courtroom and tearfully whispered an apology. ‘I’m so sorry for what I did to you.’

“Ruvolo then stood, and the victim and her assailant embraced, weeping. She stroked his head and patted his back as he sobbed, and witnesses, including a Times reporter, heard her say, ‘It’s OK. I just want you to make your life the best it can be.’ According to accounts, hardened prosecutors, and even reporters, were choking back tears” (“Forgiveness Has Power to Change Future,” Deseret Morning News, Aug. 21, 2005, p. AA3).

What a great story that is, greater because it actually happened, and that it happened in tough old New York. Who can feel anything but admiration for this woman who forgave the young man who might have taken her life?

I really enjoyed reading this story (Forgiveness by President Gordon B. Hinckley), thanks TomK!

[DaughterOfGod88]

I would totally recommend reading The Peacegiver. It has really helped me understand how to forgive others and how to come closer to our Heavenly Father. It explains step by step and answers all questions one might have about forgiving others. It gives specific examples in the scriptures on how others had to learn to forgive their enemies and how Christ’s atonement can not only help save the sinner but also the one sinned against.

[Hemidakota]

Excellent choice!

[rameumptom]

It is tough to forgive others. But Christ's teachings are filled with the mandate to forgive and love others. We are to pray for our enemies, bless them that spitefully use us, walk two miles with those that compel us to walk one, etc.

It requires us to recognize a few things. First, we are not victims. We are children of God and must expect to do accordingly. Second, even the offender needs mercy and help. We often forget that most child molesters were molested as children themselves. Third, when we hold onto a grudge, we are filling ourselves with a cankering bitterness that will destroy us. Only releasing the hate and embracing love can heal US.

These trials can be opportunities for us to grow. D&C 121 and 122 tell us that our trials are for a short time, and can be for our good. We are taught to be thankful for our trials (read the recent General Conference reports and you'll see that more than once).

We must learn to transcend. We must rise above the worldly woes, worries, and "why me?" complaints, and move onto praying for the other person. We must lose ourselves in Christian service, and in so doing, we will find our true selves. When we seek to heal others, we will find ourselves healed by Christ.

[Misshalfway]

Wonderful post, Ram.

I think in the course of our lifetimes, all of us will have the opportunity to learn the lessons of forgiveness. Perhaps we will need to offer forgiveness to another. Perhaps we will be the ones asking for it or learning to give such a gift to ourselves. Maybe if any of you are like me, we will get many many opportunties on that score.

I loved Ram, how you said "We must transcend." Yes. We must and we can. The more I learn about what real love is....charity, as the scriptures call it.....the more I see that it is like thick armor on the inside of us. It seems when I am filled with love for myself and others, becoming offended or hurt becomes less possible.

I have a tough relationship with my in laws. Dealing with this situation has been difficult and painful and I have felt like a victim. Holy Smokes, do I have a poor me story! But I realized that what was happening wasn't really about me completely. It was about them and their fear and their denial. What WAS about me, was how I was characterizing the situation and how I was reacting because of it. I remember Heavenly Father teaching me little by little and giving me permission to let go of my "story" I held so mercilessly against them. What happened that hurt me then, STILL happens today. But slowly, I am learning to see it differently and to see these people thru the eyes of love as I protect myself in love....not in retaliation.

Forgiveness is something I am in the process of learning, but if my current status is any indication that forgiveness is possible, I share it because for so long my heart was filled with outrage and anger and a deep cry for justice. Now, I feel heard and supported and released from my struggle as I hand my need for justice to God.

I think that this process must be what forgiveness is about and I know that God is validating my feelings and helping me heal and helping me to deal in love, both with myself and with those who are in my life to torment :) or to bless depending on my point of view.

[Elgama]

I actually do not believe forgiveness is not hard the Saviour set the example it is literally only a prayer away.

My own experience is that not forgiving and forgetting - is the one thing that created a wedge between me and God, if you don't forgive you lose the spirit and your relationship with Heavenly Father. For me these days its more me repenting for putting someone else before my Heavenly Father than actually needing to forgive the other person, Its learning to pray for them in love etc

-Charley