secretsister Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 I thought I'd post an update on my situation. Those of you who warned me to get out and be safe were right. My husband got physical with me. Luckily, I didn't get hurt that badly. He did the whole "I'm sorry" and bring me flowers thing. Big deal. We agreed to a weekend seperation, just to get a break from the tension between us. He ended up finding a place to live and said he isn't coming back.... until I "stop acting like this." What would "this" be? Not tolerating his abuse? Not agreeing to be his little slave? Now, I have ambivalent feelings. I'm not walking on eggshells in my own home and that feels so good! But, I still love him and I miss him... the good things in him. I want him to get the help he needs and I want our marriage to be ok. It is hard to accept that I can't make him do that... and to realize that he is the way he is and will not likely want to change. Secretsister Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susieSA Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 I don't know your whole situation.... But from reading what I have now I have this to say... You go girl!!! The first step for him would be to actually admit it... Good for you for putting your foot down.... It is sad that he thinks the problem is you.... You hang in there..... You deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misshalfway Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 Secretsister, I couldn't agree more with SusieSA. Good for you! It is a heartbreaking thing, but I am glad you are in a space where you will be safer on all fronts. Much Love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
susieSA Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 I also want to add that it has taken alot of courage on your part..... You are not alone... Just remember that.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 not to be the pessimist but you have children right? i think you said you have kids, but if i recall wrong i apologize.... has he ever become physically abusive with them? do you have this most recent event documented some way where it will be legally acknowledged? worst case scenario, if you haven't documented this and you divorce you may save yourself but not your kids. he will get unsupervised visits (most likely joint custody).. are/will they be in danger? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canuck Mormon Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 Good for you!!! I only have one question. Did you have the locks on your house changed? If not, I would do so ASAP!!! It may be a trial separation, but you can give him keys when and if he returns. Good luck!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 But, I still love him and I miss him... the good things in him. I want him to get the help he needs and I want our marriage to be ok.Very appropriate and understandable feelings and desires. If I were in your place, I'd certainly be thinking these things as well.But yeah, wanting something does not make it happen. And this is proof that it might never happen:He ended up finding a place to live and said he isn't coming back.... until I "stop acting like this."I don't remember - do you have kids with this guy? Any advice I have to give, sort of hinge on whether you do or not...Stay strong!LM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 People can and do change, however often times it takes a catalyst for them to take the first step. Who knows this may do it for him, however of equal or more importance is that you cannot do it for him. The effort must be from him and prof. help may be in order. Meanwhile, you certaintly can look at this as a new beginning for you and be sure your own house is in order. Good luck on your recent first step to an improved life for you and your children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachelbabe86 Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 I know how you feel! The sorries, gifts, all I do is resent them anymore! Our fight last night, after he had pushed me, threw things, almost broke my brand new laptop whih I use to be able to work, called me about every name out there, and swore as much as poissble, yeah the last sorry of the night...didn't seem to mean much. We have seperated a couple of times, but it was always me leaving to my sisters when it got to a point when the anxiety was so bad, but I gave in too easily and gave in to missing him and his sorries. And I can never get him to leave, and it is way hard for me to leave cause I have health problems and have to bring a million things cause of this. I also get scared of what he will do with our money when he is mad, almost ready to open an account and move the money to that when he is really mad. Something you may want to look into, trying to close out your accounts from him so he doesn't spend all your money for bills and ruin your credit. She my husband is willing to get the help, but puts on a face and doesn't really follow the help! We are going to marriage counseling now. But when he is mad at me he won't take me...and I can't drive our car so no where thre myself, and no way to escape when he gts mad. But he is trying when at the time he isn't in his evil anger moods. I think all you can do is pray that he will get the help, maybe go to the temple yourself and put his name in. Have you talked to your bishop about your marital problems, if he won't go with you to see the bishop, maybe go yourself and start to go to counseling yourself if he won't go to get the support for you, and advice what you can to from your side to help your husband with his anger problems. Anyways some thoughts. I know you probably miss him a lot, and want to beg him to come back, but if he is getting that abusive than this can be the best thing for you. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
countrygirl66 Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 hi sister, I am glad you are safe. We are here for you and are praying that you will find the answers you need. Take gentle care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 I'm happy you're safe. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. applepansy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyboyack Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 The feelings of confusion from loving him and wanting a happy home and the happiness from ridding yourself of the garbage that was in your home will not last forever. Through time, you will come to terms with your life. Someday, you will look back on your trials and know they were for your good. It will all be worth it. Maybe this will prepare you for the blessings that lie ahead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted November 10, 2008 Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 I would like to add my vote for changing the locks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secretsister Posted November 10, 2008 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2008 not to be the pessimist but you have children right? i think you said you have kids, but if i recall wrong i apologize.... has he ever become physically abusive with them? do you have this most recent event documented some way where it will be legally acknowledged?worst case scenario, if you haven't documented this and you divorce you may save yourself but not your kids. he will get unsupervised visits (most likely joint custody).. are/will they be in danger?I have a daughter at home, but she is mine from my previous marriage. Thanks for your input. He has not been mean to her in any way.... other than what he does to her mother...Secretsister Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 I have a daughter at home, but she is mine from my previous marriage. ...He has not been mean to her in any way.... other than what he does to her mother...Something to keep in mind - you are training your daughter with every action you take or don't take. This is true for everybody, but it's worth highlighting here.Your daughter is forming opinions on what married life should look like, and what a wife must put up with in a marriage, by watching you. If you want a "deal breaker" in her potential future marriage, then the best way is to have it also be a 'deal breaker' in yours.This can be a heck of an eye opener for some folks, or it can be something you're already taking into account.Hard choices. Hard decisions. May God bless and guide you.LM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruthiechan Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 My husband and I were separated for two years. The hardest thing I learned was that I could be happy without him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkymonkey Posted November 11, 2008 Report Share Posted November 11, 2008 (edited) Hi Secretsister. You are a strong woman who is very courageous! Until he is able to make changes within himself, stay away and move on. If anything, do it for your daughter. Staying in limbo for months and years is seriously really unhealthy for not only you, but for her as well. I spent my childhood in an abusive situation. By the time my mother was able to leave my dad, the damage to the us kids and to her was already done. My mom was so screwed up from 8 years of this kind of stuff (mind games and physical altercations) that she wasn't able to be a mother to me or my siblings. She spent years and years going back and forth ("I love him, but he's not changing".) and trying to figure out what was wrong with her, when in reality is was him that was screwed up. But he tried every controlling manipulative trick in the book to keep her under his thumb...if one trick failed, he'd move to the next and to the next until he succeeded. It took her a good 10 years and tons of therapy to figure it all out and by that time we were already grown up...and repeating these patterns. I modeled that kind of guy to date...and I ended up in a few bad relationships putting up with the same kinds of behavior and abuse. I had subconciously decided that my future spouse would hit me but I wouldn't let my kids see it...that living in fear and being punished was something I deserved(what kind of a future is THAT?!) It took me years of dating to finally figure out that I had a right to walk away from these kinds of guys. My father then went on to get married again with a lady who had a couple kids. My step mom would tell us all that we were crazy and liars...that he would never hit her or her kids. Sure enough, 5 years into their marriage he did the same thing to them...and now she and her kids are in the same situation we were in 10 years ago. They're totally screwed up, she has been slowly molded into a woman I don't even recognize. The kids are all screwed up and her boys are exuding the same kind of dominance on their wives. It is absolutely horrible and painful to watch. I guess what I'm trying to say is to please stay away from him for the sake of your daughter. These kinds of patterns (if allowed to happen) can continue on and on for generations. Edited November 11, 2008 by funkymonkey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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