Praying for your enemies

[Kyra]

I know that we're told we need to pray for our enemies or people we're angry with, but how in the world am I supposed to do that?

My sister is ruining her marriage. She's a selfish brat (and I told her so the other day, only my language wasn't so nice) and she's only thinking of herself. They have a child!!! They should be putting him first, but she is SO full of anger and selfishness right now that she can't even tell the difference between right and wrong anymore.

She and my bil need so many prayers right now, and I just can't do it. She's not only my sister, she is literally my best friend and I hate her right now. I know that's horrible, but I do. She's ruining her life, she's being very self-destructive right now.

I tried to pray for her tonight, but I'm so mad at her I don't even want to think about her, let alone pray sincerely for her. I shouldn't be feeling this way about my sister and best friend. I'm so mad at myself for not being able to pray for her, and I'm even more mad at her than I originally was for making me feel this way.

How am I supposed to pray for her when I don't even want to talk to her or think about her? I feel like a horrible person.

[Wingnut]

Try praying for yourself to let go of your own pride.

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them.

Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.

(emphasis added)

Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention.”

Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?

(emphasis added)

Full text of the talk here: LDS.org - Ensign Article - Beware of Pride

[Traveler]

I know that we're told we need to pray for our enemies or people we're angry with, but how in the world am I supposed to do that?

My sister is ruining her marriage. She's a selfish brat (and I told her so the other day, only my language wasn't so nice) and she's only thinking of herself. They have a child!!! They should be putting him first, but she is SO full of anger and selfishness right now that she can't even tell the difference between right and wrong anymore.

She and my bil need so many prayers right now, and I just can't do it. She's not only my sister, she is literally my best friend and I hate her right now. I know that's horrible, but I do. She's ruining her life, she's being very self-destructive right now.

I tried to pray for her tonight, but I'm so mad at her I don't even want to think about her, let alone pray sincerely for her. I shouldn't be feeling this way about my sister and best friend. I'm so mad at myself for not being able to pray for her, and I'm even more mad at her than I originally was for making me feel this way.

How am I supposed to pray for her when I don't even want to talk to her or think about her? I feel like a horrible person.

You are not a horrible person. You are a beautiful and spritual person trying to do too much on your own. Start by praying for a little help - Even Enos started there and then realized the benefit in praying for others after.

The Traveler

[Kirajo]

Say the words you just wrote in this post outloud....in a prayer.

[debi56]

I don't think you hate her, you might be disappointed, scared, frustrated but it isn't hate. I went through the same thing just yesterday but it wasn't with a relative. When I prayed, I told Heavenly Father that I was angry and I didn't know how to pray for them. It was a short time after that I knew that I needed to work on putting myself in a different frame of mind before I could pray for someone.

[Kyra]

I don't think you hate her, you might be disappointed, scared, frustrated but it isn't hate. I went through the same thing just yesterday but it wasn't with a relative. When I prayed, I told Heavenly Father that I was angry and I didn't know how to pray for them. It was a short time after that I knew that I needed to work on putting myself in a different frame of mind before I could pray for someone.

You're right, I don't hate her. I was so mad (still am) and typing so fast that I just put down whatever came into my head at the moment. I don't hate her, but I absolutely hate her attitude and her actions right now.

With some of the things she's doing right now I can't even let her around me and my girls. My 5 year old watches and mimics everything she does. She absolutely adores her auntie and worships the ground she walks on. Is that wrong of me to keep her away from my kids? I'm really not doing it just because I'm mad at her, I don't even want to do it. But she's doing things that I don't feel comfortable with my girls being around.

[debi56]

I feel you have an obligation to keep your children safe. If you feel her behavior is something you can't condone then don't feel bad about giving your sister a time out. You have to raise your kids the way that you feel is beneficial.

Don't be so hard on yourself, your anger just means you love her. You can hate the things she does, and if her actions are wrong then you shouldn't like them.

[Elgama]

if you don't forgive and forget - you will lose your connection to the Holy Ghost, If you are struggling to pray on this issue then that can grow to other issues, I experienced this with a Sister at church, I didn't even realise anger was my problem, and I went through 5 years of battling to hold onto my testimony

I know I keep posting this story but if Chief Blue can make this prayer of forgiveness any of us can do it:

To help family members understand the principle of forgiveness, read or tell the following experience as told by the late Chief Blue of the Catawba Indian nation:

One day my eleven-year-old son went squirrel hunting with six other Indians. He saw a squirrel run up a tree and climbed up to scare it out on a limb. After he had done this he called to the others to hold their fire until he could get down. One of the Indians in the hunting party had always been jealous of me and my position as chief. He and his son both shot deliberately at my boy. He was filled with buckshot from his knees to his head. The Indians carried my boy towards home and found a spot where they lay him while they ran for the doctor.

A friend came and found me and said, "Sam, run home at once; your boy has been shot." I ran all the way home and found my boy near death. The doctor was there and said my boy would not live. He was right; the boy died in a few minutes.

The man and son who had done the shooting were in my front yard visiting with members of the crowd that had gathered. They did not appear to be upset at their deed. My heart filled with revenge and hatred. Something seemed to whisper to me, "If you don't take down your gun and kill that man who murdered your son, Sam Blue, you are a coward."

Now I have been a Mormon ever since I have been a young lad and I knew it would not be right to take revenge. I decided to pray to the Lord about it. I walked to my secret place out in the timber where I always have gone to pray alone when I have a special problem, and there I prayed to the Lord to take revenge out of my heart. I soon felt better and started back to the house. But again I heard something inside whisper, again I turned back and prayed until I felt better. On my way back to the house I again heard the voice say, "Sam Blue, you are a coward." I turned again and went back to pray and this time I told the Lord he must help me or I would be a killer. I asked him to take revenge out of my heart and keep it out. I felt good when I got up from praying. I went back to the house a third time and when I reached the house I went out and shook hands with the Indian who had killed my boy. There was no hatred or desire for revenge in my heart. (See Marion G. Romney, The Power of God unto Salvation, Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year [Provo, 3 Feb. 1960], pp. 67.)

Discuss the story by asking questions such as the following: Was it too much to expect Chief Blue to forgive his son's killers—especially when they did not repent? How did Chief Blue's strong desire to overcome feelings of hatred and revenge make it possible for him to forgive? Where did he get the strength to forgive? What happened to Chief Blue that showed he had forgiven those who killed his son?

Home & Family- Forgiving

The rest of the FHE lesson is fantastic I think its the best on forgiveness. My own experience is like Chief Blue forgivness is only a prayer away, only unlike him it took me 5 years for something a lot less serious

-Charley

[Aesa]

They have a child!!! They should be putting him first, but she is SO full of anger and selfishness right now that she can't even tell the difference between right and wrong anymore.

You may not want to discuss the details. But, in my personal experience watching my mothers second marriage in which she has had another child, it's not always possible to think of the child and what you may do by ending the marriage.

Especially in situations where the partner is, quite frankly, abnormal.

[RobertP]

Try breathing in, 6 counts, think of something you are very thankful for. Imagine and feel your heart filling with gratitude. Exhale on a 6 count. Imagine the light from that gratitude flooding your body. Do it again. And again. Think of something else, and don't qualify your gratitude. You are probably reading this from the warmth of your house. I have had some mighty fearsome temptations that have given me a good clobbering, and they so far seem to evaporate when I do this. Then I can reassess the situation from a more reliable point of view, or even prepare thoughts from this point of view. The temptation is not fought directly, head on, but this seems to lift me out of it. Be grateful. You might even find it is a close cousin of a pure love. I think that is what I am learning as I do this. I really want less and I'm thankful for much more. Give it a whirl.

[NeuroTypical]

How am I supposed to pray for her when I don't even want to talk to her or think about her? I feel like a horrible person.

Well, I don't know if you are or not, but at least you are in good company. Here's what Brigham Young had to say about it:

Many men will say they have a violent temper, and try to excuse themselves for actions of which they are ashamed. I will say, there is not a man in this house who has a more indomitable and unyielding temper than myself. But there is not a man in the world who cannot overcome his passion, if he will struggle earnestly to do so. If you find passion coming on you, go off to some place where you cannot be heard; let none of your family see you or hear you, while it is upon you, but struggle till it leaves you; and pray for strength to overcome. As I have said many times to the Elders, pray in your families; and if, when the time for prayer comes, you have not the spirit of prayer upon you, and your knees are unwilling to bow, say to them, “Knees, get down there”; make them bend, and remain there until you obtain the Spirit of the Lord. If the spirit yields to the body, it becomes corrupt; but if the body yields to the spirit it becomes pure and holy (DBY, 267).

Do not get so angry that you cannot pray; do not allow yourselves to become so angry that you cannot feed an enemy—even your worst enemy, if an opportunity should present itself. There is a wicked anger, and there is a righteous anger. The Lord does not suffer wicked anger to be in his heart; but there is anger in his bosom, and he will hold a controversy with the nations, and will sift them, and no power can stay his hand (DBY, 269).

When my feelings are aroused to anger by the ill-doings of others, I hold them as I would hold a wild horse, and I gain the victory. Some think and say that it makes them feel better when they are mad, as they call it, to give vent to their madness in abusive and unbecoming language. This, however, is a mistake. Instead of its making you feel better, it is making bad worse. When you think and say it makes you better you give credit to a falsehood. When the wrath and bitterness of the human heart are moulded into words and hurled with violence at one another, without any check or hindrance, the fire has no sooner expended itself than it is again re-kindled through some trifling course, until the course of nature is set on fire (DBY, 266).

Now I charge you again, and I charge myself not to get angry. Never let anger arise in your hearts. No, Brigham, never let anger arise in your heart, never, never! Although you may be called upon to chastise and to speak to the people sharply, do not let anger arise in you, no, never! (DBY, 265).

And here's how I learned to pray for an enemy:

So how do you know that you've really forgiven them?

Learning to accept these people as your neighbors, and loving them with your best approximation of how God loves them. I said my heart and soul feels clean - free of grudges, desires for vengence, misplaced guilt, etc.

But the more I think about it, I know I have forgiven these people because I am truly able to love them like I know God loves me.

Kind of the catharctic moment in my life was when I got on my knees and was finally able to pray for the person that raped someone I dearly loved. I tried, but couldn't do it for a number of months. I kept wanting to pray that the law would find him. That he would understand the pain he had caused. That the rest of us could be protected from him. Those were all fine things to pray for, but I hadn't forgiven him, and I wanted God to do something to him to give justice.

I knew I had forgiven him when I was able to pray that he could find happiness and rest in God. When I examined my heart, and found tenderness for him there, and sorrow that he was taking himself away from God - that's when I knew I had forgiven.

If I should ever see him again, I would protect my family from him. But I've forgiven him.

LM

[Hemidakota]

I know that we're told we need to pray for our enemies or people we're angry with, but how in the world am I supposed to do that?

My sister is ruining her marriage. She's a selfish brat (and I told her so the other day, only my language wasn't so nice) and she's only thinking of herself. They have a child!!! They should be putting him first, but she is SO full of anger and selfishness right now that she can't even tell the difference between right and wrong anymore.

She and my bil need so many prayers right now, and I just can't do it. She's not only my sister, she is literally my best friend and I hate her right now. I know that's horrible, but I do. She's ruining her life, she's being very self-destructive right now.

I tried to pray for her tonight, but I'm so mad at her I don't even want to think about her, let alone pray sincerely for her. I shouldn't be feeling this way about my sister and best friend. I'm so mad at myself for not being able to pray for her, and I'm even more mad at her than I originally was for making me feel this way.

How am I supposed to pray for her when I don't even want to talk to her or think about her? I feel like a horrible person.

What did the Savior do in John chapter 17?

[Misshalfway]

I know that we're told we need to pray for our enemies or people we're angry with, but how in the world am I supposed to do that?

My sister is ruining her marriage. She's a selfish brat (and I told her so the other day, only my language wasn't so nice) and she's only thinking of herself. They have a child!!! They should be putting him first, but she is SO full of anger and selfishness right now that she can't even tell the difference between right and wrong anymore.

She and my bil need so many prayers right now, and I just can't do it. She's not only my sister, she is literally my best friend and I hate her right now. I know that's horrible, but I do. She's ruining her life, she's being very self-destructive right now.

I tried to pray for her tonight, but I'm so mad at her I don't even want to think about her, let alone pray sincerely for her. I shouldn't be feeling this way about my sister and best friend. I'm so mad at myself for not being able to pray for her, and I'm even more mad at her than I originally was for making me feel this way.

How am I supposed to pray for her when I don't even want to talk to her or think about her? I feel like a horrible person.

When I find myself filled with unwanted emotion, I find comfort in the experience of Enos. He started praying and pleading for himself. His heart opened to his family and his people and then finally to his enemies as he prayed for their salvation. I like the progress and feel patience with myself as God leads my heart to where it needs to be. It is a process and it is ok that it is. That is the way of these things.

Give yourself some kindness and understand that sometimes those we love do things that we really don't like. Pray and ask God to help your anger subside and for more love to fill your heart. Hand your sister and her problems to the Lord and ask Him to give you more faith and patience.

It is easy sometimes to get so angry when others appear to be screwing up their lives. And I suppose on some occasions if moved by the Holy Ghost and love it is appropriate to say something. But sometimes it is just part of being in relationships that we let people make mistakes -- even big giant painful ones. We can help and support and be a voice for truth and healing, but we can't control people and outcomes. And sometimes our mistakes turn out to be really important blessings in our lives. So, forgive your sister. Allow her some wiggle room. Most likely there are hidden circumstances you don't know of. And appeal to Father for your heart to change and for you to see her how he does. Perhaps solutions will open as you let go of anger. Perhaps you can still be an instrument in the hands of God to help nudge the situation for good. And if nothing else, I know God can soften your heart so that at least you can pray for her.

[Kyra]

You may not want to discuss the details. But, in my personal experience watching my mothers second marriage in which she has had another child, it's not always possible to think of the child and what you may do by ending the marriage.

Especially in situations where the partner is, quite frankly, abnormal.

Well, I definitely can't go into details because only my mom, another sister and I know exactly what's going on right now. Other than my bil, at least. So I'll just ask if you've ever heard of the phrase 'cyber affair'? If you haven't, google it and you'll understand more. My bil has made mistakes and may not be perfect, but he certainly doesn't deserve this.

Thank you for all of the advice. I'm going to sit down sometime today and read through Enos, because I need all the help I can get right now. And then I've decided that when it comes down to it, if I still can't bring myself to pray for her, then I can at the very least pray for my bil and my nephew. My nephew more than anything. He's an adorable little boy (he's in my avatar with my girls) who deserves much better than this. He needs a mommy who's willing to put him first in her life.

[applepansy]

My Sister-in-law has fallen into the internet and drown. Its scarey and she has put her children at risk. She's now filed for divorce. We've never gotten along. She's always been selfish and downright mean to our family. There were times I couldn't pray for her. Then I changed how I thought about it. We're commanded to pray for our enemies so I did. . .as I did it more and more it became easier.

I pray for her and I put her name on the prayer roll at the temple. I truly wish and hope that her heart can be changed and only the Lord can do that.

applepansy

[MarginOfError]

I have a rather unconventional suggestion, so bear with me. If you're having a hard time praying for your sister, then don't pray for her.

Forgive me for being a little blunt--and I am trying to express this without appearing judgmental--but your struggle to pray for your sister has very little to do with her and her actions, but with you and your attitude. The real question is are you prepared to repair yourself of this attitude right now or do you need to wait on it for a little while?

In April's (2008) General Conference, Elder Scott spoke to abuse victims. He gave a little nugget of wisdom that applies to so many of our relationships, even if they aren't abusive. He acknowledged that it can be hard to forgive an abuser (or in your case, a sister who you feel is making egregious errors), but that it still needs to be done. However, he did not state that forgiveness had to come immediately.

As impossible as it may seem to you now, in time the healing you can receive from the Savior will allow you to truly forgive the abuser and even have feelings of sorrow for him or her. When you can forgive the offense, you will be relieved of the pain and heartache that Satan wants in your life by encouraging you to hate the abuser. As a result, you will enjoy greater peace. While an important part of healing, if the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior’s healing power in your own life. To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse (emphasis added)

An example from my own life: I had a rather unpleasant breakup with a girl. I felt so many negative emotions toward her that I knew were irrational and unfair. I found it hard not to direct lots of negative feelings toward her, and I knew that it had the potential to ruin my spirituality. But I just could not overcome the negativity. So I ignored it instead. I focused on other areas of my life that I could improve. I found that as I became a better teacher, or a better friend to the people I served, or as I made any other improvement to my life, my spirituality also increased. And then I found that as my spirituality increased, so did the strength I needed to forgive the girl. Eventually, by focusing on parts of myself that I was prepared and equipped to improve, I found myself forgiving her with relative ease.

So if you're really finding it hard to pray for your sister right now, don't. Call the temple, put her name on the prayer rolls, and pray more intently for the things you can pray about. Then try to improve some other aspect of yourself. The rest will come in time.

[Kyra]

I have a rather unconventional suggestion, so bear with me. If you're having a hard time praying for your sister, then don't pray for her.

Forgive me for being a little blunt--and I am trying to express this without appearing judgmental--but your struggle to pray for your sister has very little to do with her and her actions, but with you and your attitude. The real question is are you prepared to repair yourself of this attitude right now or do you need to wait on it for a little while?

You're right, a lot of it is my attitude, and I'm 100% willing to admit that. I'm always the first to admit that I have pride issues and control issues. I work on them as I can and try to take it one step at a time. That's why I asked for help though. I don't want to feel this way about my sister. Like I said, she really and truly is my very best friend. I'm just so angry right now with her self-destructive behavior. That's why I decided that it would be best right now to pray for my bil and nephew until I calm down a little bit.

I also have a bad temper, and it's obviously getting the best of me right now. But I've come huge strides in the last few years and learned a lot of patience and tolerance. This is just one more thing that will teach me. Although I cannot tolerate her behavior right now, I'm at least trying to get over my anger.

[countrygirl66]

You're right, a lot of it is my attitude, and I'm 100% willing to admit that. I'm always the first to admit that I have pride issues and control issues. I work on them as I can and try to take it one step at a time. That's why I asked for help though. I don't want to feel this way about my sister. Like I said, she really and truly is my very best friend. I'm just so angry right now with her self-destructive behavior. That's why I decided that it would be best right now to pray for my bil and nephew until I calm down a little bit.

I also have a bad temper, and it's obviously getting the best of me right now. But I've come huge strides in the last few years and learned a lot of patience and tolerance. This is just one more thing that will teach me. Although I cannot tolerate her behavior right now, I'm at least trying to get over my anger.

Just a couple of thoughts. Have you thought it may not be anger your feeling but an incredible grief for what could have been and what still might be if she would only stop now? For me sometimes that is more the case. You can be in so much pain at not being able to save her from herself and yet be able to see what is comming for her. All you can do is pray that you can love her, pray that you can have dicernment over your relationship with her. And pray that you can comfort her when the dust all settles and help her find her way back. Like I say for me I often grieve deeply for what was, what might have been, and what could be if they would only stop now. Take care and be kind to yourself.