Marriage

[Ivy64]

Ok so I wrote a little while ago about being lost, having lost my virginity and not sure wether to try and stop my actions - risking failing and not being able to stop, or getting married first civilly...

Me and the bf have been talking lately. I feel like a lot of the things we have planned for over the years we just sort of hoped for and we have been dragging along waiting for them. Now, it looks like they are coming along. I want to capitilize on this. I Feel like if I get married civially, its atleast a step, versus just sitting here waiting etc. Im a little lower spiritually then I have ever been but I realized I have been better mentally, and temporally better then ever and I owe msot of it to him so I feel like we can do anything together.

Basically what I am saying is I think we decided we want to go ahead and get married this summer. Really even that isn't soon enough for me. He knows how important the temple is so we are determined to go a year from now. My question is, how do I break that to my parents when the time comes?

Anyone else had to do this? Tell me your experience. Advice?

[hordak]

Do they now you can't get wed in the temple?

[Ivy64]

Not yet...

[Palerider]

advice-...just tell them....

[hordak]

1 Get hitched without them knowing. Then do the temple thing. It might be hard to keep your marriage on the down low for a year and if/when they find out the would be upset

2 Tell them you what a civil marriage And will go to the temple latter. Then you could invite your non Mormon/ non temple recommend holding friends and family to you wedding, big plus IMO. You could tell them why (but it is non of their business) or not tell them and emphasize that you want your wedding to include everyone, not just Temple recommend holders.

Or you could tell them your not ready to make that kind of commitment. Given what it takes to get a temple marriage dissolved I don't think this should be the marriage one has first anyway. Men don't get the Melchizedek Priesthood right away. They need to lean about the roles and responsibility through the lesser version first. Marriage should be the same way IMO.

If you do tell them you can't i would emphases that a civil marriage is legit in Gods eyes and a step in the right direction.Whether you wait a year after civilly wed or wait for a year of repentance you won't be getting sealed.

[Ivy64]

Really good points man I appreciate that.

The other people going to the wedding is a big plus too. You see when he joined the church it really broke his mothers heart. She has nothing against the church it just made her feel like, she didnt do enough in the religious area for her kids you know? But she was adopted at age 8 by VERY strict baptist parents I mean her father is sooo cruel it is sad. Always tells her she and all her kids are going to hell but they are suuuuch good people.

Anyway we knew if she wasnt able to be at her sons wedding it would break her heart all over again. That and it might be easier with those grandparents

I appreciate it a lot man.... :)

Edited February 26, 2009 by Ivy64

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

Seriously you come to a bunch of strangers on a web site for this kind of advice BEFORE talking to your parents? I don't have that great or close of a relationship with my parents (I heard a radio ad the other day that said dysfunctional families make up 60some percent of american families - that means I'm in the majority) but you can bet I'd ask for their help before asking for anyone's here.

Honesty's the best policy. Anything misleading or witheld is going to lead to more trouble later, might as well get it over with and lay everything out on the table now. If you wait to tell your parents everything, they'll wonder why you didn't tell them sooner and it will cause unnecessary strife. Besides, they might be able to offer better (and more personal) advice than any of us can.

[john doe]

I wouldn't count my chickens before they're hatched. Have you even talked to your bishop about your trangressions?

[hordak]

Really good points man I appreciate that.

The other people going to the wedding is a big plus too. You see when he joined the church it really broke his mothers heart. She has nothing against the church it just made her feel like, she didnt do enough in the religious area for her kids you know? But she was adopted at age 8 by VERY strict baptist parents I mean her father is sooo cruel it is sad. Always tells her she and all her kids are going to hell but they are suuuuch good people.

Anyway we knew if she wasnt able to be at her sons wedding it would break her heart all over again. That and it might be easier with those grandparents

I appreciate it a lot man.... :)

If the other parents aren't LDS i would differently do a civil ceremony. Your parents should respect that.After all how would they feel if you took off to Vegas and left them out.

My wife and I actually had wedding reception a few years ago, we had been married for 3 years already, because our families couldn't attend our original wedding due to the fact they lived across the country. I'm very glad we did it.

[Hemidakota]

Ok so I wrote a little while ago about being lost, having lost my virginity and not sure wether to try and stop my actions - risking failing and not being able to stop, or getting married first civilly...

Me and the bf have been talking lately. I feel like a lot of the things we have planned for over the years we just sort of hoped for and we have been dragging along waiting for them. Now, it looks like they are coming along. I want to capitilize on this. I Feel like if I get married civially, its atleast a step, versus just sitting here waiting etc. Im a little lower spiritually then I have ever been but I realized I have been better mentally, and temporally better then ever and I owe msot of it to him so I feel like we can do anything together.

Basically what I am saying is I think we decided we want to go ahead and get married this summer. Really even that isn't soon enough for me. He knows how important the temple is so we are determined to go a year from now. My question is, how do I break that to my parents when the time comes?

Anyone else had to do this? Tell me your experience. Advice?

I have to agree with John Doe. Seeking a lower standard of which you have the given right for, you need to seek out your Bishop. Being honest here, marriage is not an option for you here since I can attest, having a civil marriage now, you are likely will not be sealed later for one reason or another.

Have hope and faith in yourself in for a better situation and not keep 'heaping more troubles on top what is currently your mole hill.'

[Guest Alana]

Getting married civilly because we had slept together and then going to the temple was our plan, too! Well, we got married, went back to church. Fast forward a little bit. It took me 4 years before I was able to take the sacrament again. Husband went completely inactive, "I promised we'd go the temple? When did I say that?"

Sigh... once we were married it became dependant not just on me to go to the temple, but him too. But I know your guy wouldn't do that.... noooo.... just like my return missionary wouldn't completely loose his faith in God...

If you're not going to get married in the temple, dont' get married. That's my advice. What is your bishops advice?

[FunkyTown]

I have to agree with John Doe. Seeking a lower standard of which you have the given right for, you need to seek out your Bishop. Being honest here, marriage is not an option for you here since I can attest, having a civil marriage now, you are likely will not be sealed later for one reason or another.

Have hope and faith in yourself in for a better situation and not keep 'heaping more troubles on top what is currently your mole hill.'

Hemi and I find very different opinions in things of a political nature, but in spiritual I almost always agree with him. He's right. I can not speak in your case, but in cases in general:

In almost every case, delaying the temple marriage results in one person in the group being unhappy because the temple is never attained. In fact, we were discussing with someone on this very website the exact same thing - She was desperate for her husband to go to the temple, but he was showing absolutely no interest to do so.

I honestly wish I could tell you news that would make you feel better. :/ I know it's hard, that you want a temple marriage and there are a million things going through your head saying why you don't need one right now.

They're all of lesser importance. If you go through with this, forget hurting your family. If it were just a case of judgmental people, I'd be the first to say "Go put on that ring, girl!" This will hurt you in the end. If you continue, and most people do despite being warned, there will come a time when you regret that decision greatly.

I wish nothing but the best for you.

[talisyn]

From a different vantage point...my sister and her hubby were married in a civil ceremony first, then married in the temple 1 year later. The reason they said they did that though was because they didn't want to explain to his mom why she couldn't come to the wedding (his family is non-mo). 2 kids and 4 years later they're doing fine.

Fast, pray, esp pray with your beloved. God knows you and your troubles and will guide you if you let Him.

[NeuroTypical]

A thing to keep in mind: The type of person he is now, is the type of person he'll be in a year, 5 years, and 10 years.

If this fills you with warm fuzzies, go get hitched. If it fills you with concern or denial, you should break up with him.

[Maureen]

ivy64, considering your future in-laws are non-LDS I would take hordak's advice. Family is important whether you share the same religion or not. Have your civil wedding first and to prove everyone else wrong that doesn't agree with that, make sure you set that goal to get sealed in the near future. :)

[winterstar]

While a temple marriage is important, having that isn't a get - all or nothing deal. It's possible to have the made the convenants and then to not earn it, for whatever reason. One of the very things I've had to learn, and still learn is not to covet it. I want it, yes. My husband wants forever too, he's just not sure on religion and the temple.

We had a civil marriage first. He converted while we were (whirlwind) dating. We had a date we liked for our temple sealing, but it hasn't happened yet. I've had my ups and downs with my testimony, but I do know that my husband and I are becoming better people within our marriage.

Study scriptures. Pray. Ponder.

[Madriglace]

Something to think about. Go see your Bishop, see what needs to be done to get you to the temple, after your sealing then have the wedding for everyone else if it's something you want to do. There is no substitute for the temple. Many years ago ... back in the dark ages ... I was very in love and considering the same thing you are. I had been raised that a temple marriage was the only way but was willing to wait for him. I wasn't even being particularly prayerful about it when a very clear voice asked me why he didn't love me enought to marry me for eternity? That really put it in perspective for me. I told my bf what I wanted and you could see the dust as he left. Don't take the chance that there "might" be a trip to the temple later ... in this late date it just isn't worth the risk. The blessings of the temple are so amazing ... it starts your life of right, and adds an incentive to work harder to make it work instead of living with the limits of a civi marriage. Good Luck.

[Guest missingsomething]

Lying or misleading them is really not going to go far to help you in the long run... and it will not help you in your church discipline (should you have to go through a counsel).

I am obviously missing vital info - do you live with him? I guess not?... If not.. why not substain, get yourself straight, and get married in the temple in a year? If your soon-to-be husband can not respect your wish to live the gospel now - will he be strong enough to lead and guide your family? Im not judging, because I myself is married to a non-member.

Lastly, you seem to want to get married just so you are not committing a sin against the law of chastity. This could be a very serious mistake if that is indeed the thing. I would suggest you pray about your marriage. If you arent sure -if you are 100% certain this is right... then wait.

Talk to your family - honestly. Lying will only bring you further down. And keep your chin up! Things will get better! Just keep praying.

[Ivy64]

Let me clear up a couple of things.

#1 I NEVER suggested lying to my parents in any way. We are very close, I could never ever do that to them...

#2 No we are not living together.

#3 We have been together 6 years this June. This is hardly a "new fling" type of deal. We've been trying to get married forever and something is always in the way....we've been through ALOT and I just can't imagine my life without him. I put way too much into this, given up my whole life.

I know that if we were to be married and live a life outside of the gospel we'd be happy. I know that the gospel makes you happy but I also learned that it is not the miserable hell without it like it seems to be engrained in us to believe when we are young. However I do want the sweetness and the peace of the gospel in our lives.

The reason I want to get married civillay first, besides the importance of his family being there, is not just so I can skip t he whole repentance process or what not. I know I would still have to go through that. But mainly I have a pretty good feeling I will/am addicted to sex. Why? Like I said, I was raped for 4 years when I was young....it made me have a high libido...everyone I have ever gotten to know has told me I have always had the most sexual tension from anyone they ever met all through highschool...I don't think I Can stop. Him? He could. It doesnt reallly matter to him. He isnt your typicall guy. In fact, its usallly me jumping on him, to be honest. He hardly ever starts it.

Anyway I appreciate the input. REmember, I am the type of girl that grew up totally commited to going to the temple...but REALITY has started to settle in me more...nbo that I have lost my testimony just that it is balancing out...a real blessing.

I dont regret anything...I have learned and grown so much.

[Guest missingsomething]

Let me clear up a couple of things.

#1 I NEVER suggested lying to my parents in any way. We are very close, I could never ever do that to them...

#2 No we are not living together.

Please do not be offended... You didnt suggest lying - someone who posted to your question did.

And I didnt know if you were living together - thats why I asked! I didnt think you were...

I still believe prayer can help settle your heart. And again, I truly feel as though I offended you and that was not my intent, so I honestly mean... "sorry"!. Whatever you decide, it has to be something you both can live with - for eternity. :)

[john doe]

Let me clear up a couple of things.

But mainly I have a pretty good feeling I will/am addicted to sex. Why? Like I said, I was raped for 4 years when I was young....it made me have a high libido...everyone I have ever gotten to know has told me I have always had the most sexual tension from anyone they ever met all through highschool...I don't think I Can stop. Him? He could. It doesnt reallly matter to him. He isnt your typicall guy. In fact, its usallly me jumping on him, to be honest. He hardly ever starts it.

Have you had counseling for that? If not, I would highly recommend it before any thoughts of getting married go on. From what little I have read on the subject, it is not uncommon for young people who have been raped to become hypersexual, and that tells me that you have not fully recovered from that experience. I suggest you go see a licensed counselor, preferably one through LDS Social Services who understands the teachings of the church concerning the Law of Chastity and eternal Marriage. You may not think you need to talk to a professional, but you do.

[Ivy64]

Missingsomething: I am sorry if I came off defensive. I wasn't offended at all and hope I didn't sound rude to you!! I just wanted to make sure it was clear, not just to you but anyone else who might just start reading who hadn't read my other post, about myself etc.

John Doe: Yes, I have been to counseling. I went trhough church services too. I think its turning out to be a longer process then I expected. You see, I use to have break downs (as early as a year and a half ago) just remembering the stuff I went through. While I healed and got over and worked through the events themselves and learned to become a more emotionally idependent adult, I think perhaps I need to go back to work on the things that have cascaded over time to affect me today from it, if that makes sense. Doesn't it suck how much something carries over and taints and branches off iny our life? IT was almost 10 years ago and I still suffer...

Thank you everyone for your input and support.

[BenRaines]

As a parent who has a daughter who is not married and pregnant by a married man I can say that most parents would be happy to hear that you are getting married, period. While disappointed that a temple wedding is not in the plans, married is good too.

I would much rather have a married daughter who is then expecting than and expecting daughter who is not married.

Ben Raines

[ruthiechan]

Are you addicted to sex, or are you addicted to sex with him? Or, do you simply really enjoy sex with him?

If he dies are you going to real soon find another guy, have sex with him, stay with him for a long time and then have the same question for us?

OR will you grieve and simply miss him and intimate moments with him but be able to manage life without him and without sex?

Or, what if something terrible happens between you two and you break up? Will you be able to live life without finding some nice guy to have sex with?

Your answers will be telling, but you do not have to answer to me or to anyone on this board. You can simply think about it.

Sometimes it's the person your with that makes the difference. I know one gal who was able to keep your boyfriend's hands from roaming too much and helped him to go on a mission. Same gal dated another guy and boy was there a lot of sex in that relationship. She was sexually abused as a child.

My sister got pregnant out of wedlock. She married the father. A year and a half later they were married in the Temple. Their Bishop was so proud of them and so happy. So were we all. They are still married, and happily, with four children.

Definitely talk to your Bishop. You'll have to one way or the other if you want to get married in the Temple.

[Ivy64]

I definitly think its just him...I was terrified of it before, for many reasons, yet at the same time having that hypersexual drive. Doesn't seem like it makes sense, does it. Honestly if this doesn't work out I feel like I could never try for marriage again. He is right for me in every way. I appreciate the questions they were good ones to think about. I definitly want to be married inthe temple but my thinking was if it is going to take a year to repent then why not go ahead and get married first? Idontknow I really appreciated what Ben said. I think honestly, all in all this is all happening for a reason. While it is "bad" it definitly is blessing me with clearer vision and a more balanced mentality. Everything doesnt seem so scarey, doom and gloom now.

Thanks all :)