Dealing with the M-I-L....*sigh*

[RandomEquine]

I need some help, I'm at a loss.

My fiance and I have been together for about 3 years, and I've been with him through an amazing amount of things, including him leaving and returning early from his mission and dealing with the hazards that go along with it. We love each other and plan on being sealed next year at Nauvoo.

My problem, however, is with his mother. She's, well, an extremely controlling woman. Everything has to be going her way, or it's completely incorrect. She's a perfectionist beyond pleasing. She doesn't allow me to call her anything but 'Sister', and everything I do is incorrect. She FREAKS if she even sees my fiance and I holding hands, let alone giving each other a small kiss or the like. Her perfection has ruined two marriages, and now I can't stand her.

In the past, she has called her son useless, pointless, and claimed that all of his "I love you's" are completely token, that she doesn't believe he really loves her. I feel that his depression and panic issues are based in the way she has treated him over the years. When we first began dating, she referred to me repeatedly as 'jail bait' seeing as I was 17 and he was 19, that I was apparently attempting to seduce him so I could throw him in jail. These are just some of the things.

My aversion to being around her, though, is tearing my fiance apart. He really doesn't want to ruin or hurt the relationship, and I know that I *am* marrying into the family, but I'm at a loss. I have issues keeping my mouth shut when I see something that upsets me, and she has done it countless times.

Suggestions on dealing/coping/etc? I can use anything I can get...........*sigh*

[NeuroTypical]

You will be dealing with this woman, as she is now, for the rest of your married life with this guy. If your fiance had a backbone with his mother, he would have showed it by now. He will be defending her against you for all her life.

If you think you can buck it up and smile, then marry him. If not, then you should probably look for someone else to marry.

LM

[RandomEquine]

You will be dealing with this woman, as she is now, for the rest of your married life with this guy. If your fiance had a backbone with his mother, he would have showed it by now. He will be defending her against you for all her life.

If you think you can buck it up and smile, then marry him. If not, then you should probably look for someone else to marry.

LM

Ooops, to verify, he's not exactly 'sticking up for her' so to speak. He does have his boundaries with her. He just doesn't want to lose her, while I would be perfectly happy not having to see her, much less deal with her.

He wants to have some sort of relationship with his mother, I have a very difficult time with it.....

[the Ogre]

Put a thousand plus miles between you and her once you get married. That's what my dad did.

[Dravin]

He wants to have some sort of relationship with his mother, I have a very difficult time with it.....

If you get sealed to her son you are going to have a relationship with her for all eternity. 'Course both of you will have a long time to learn to get along with each other.

[mikbone]

I agree with Ogre. My family and my in-laws live in Texas. We live in California and love it here.

[Moksha]

It is important to always be sensitive when mentioning Mother-in-Laws.

:)

[Winnie G]

Lets be blunt Ran - Ran as fast as you can, in the long run you will be better off.

I have seen 100% of what your talking about and it never works these women can reach though the phone and do just as much damage as her living next door.

I'm Blunt and been married three times, after the first nut controlling Mother in law I looked for a orphan, married him but he did not know what to do once his mother had died.

I was finly married to a MAN with a (excuse me) a set on him and a wonderful mother in law.

It can be found but please dont settle, get what you want the first time.

[Jbs2763]

drug her, put her on a one way flight to Bejing?

[RandomEquine]

drug her, put her on a one way flight to Bejing?

Baha! Amusing....

Apparently she wants to move to Ireland....maybe my hopes and dreams will come true?

But thank you all -- this is something I'm going to struggle with....

[Wingnut]

I know that you say you're in love with this man and that you've already been through a lot together, but I think you need to evaluate whether or not you're willing to deal with this for the rest of your life (and longer). You aren't just marrying him, but you are creating a relationship with his family as well. It also sounds like he's got some issue of his own (depression, panic attacks)...do you want to deal with those forever? You are also only 20 years old. You've got lots of time. I almost married at age 20, and I'm really glad I didn't. Between then and when I married (a different man) at age 25, I changed more than I think in any other five year period I can remember.

If after all this, you still decide you want to marry this man, then you need to have a conversation (or series of conversations) with him about his mother. He should always defend you to her, whether you are right or she is right. It's a unity and loyalty thing. Then, if you are wrong, you two can discuss and address it privately later. He needs to man up and let his mom know that he will not stand to be called useless and pointless; that his "I love you"s are genuine, and if she doesn't believe him, then perhaps she needs to evaluate within herself why she feels unloved; and that he will not stand to see her continue to belittle, degrade, and patronize him or his bride.

[Hemidakota]

I have to agree, if he has not already displayed some measure of a defense for you, then move on.