My extended family won't come to my temple wedding.

[annamaureen]

I'm getting married in two weeks. I've never had any "persecution" for being a member, until now. All of my extended family are refusing to come because they can't enter the temple. And it's not even like they're sad about it - they just don't seem to care. My grandma originally said she'd be thrilled to come, but she wrote me an email last night saying that she'd changed her mind because she can't see the ceremony.

I'm very hurt. I thought I was close with my extended family, but their actions speak otherwise. I tried posting my feelings to a wedding community I'm a part of, and everyone pretty much said "serves you right, I don't blame them," which just made me feel worse.

Obviously, there's nothing I can do about it. The temple is so important and I'm so happy to be getting married there, but my family's actions still sting. I guess I'm just looking to commiserate people and know that I'm not alone. Stories, anyone?

[Maureen]

Hi annamaureen, are you have a Ring Ceremony later that day? It might help.

[annamaureen]

I did plan on one, but my grandmother said "it's not real, it's just for show, and doesn't count." Which is pretty much true, I guess.

[Maureen]

Not true. You can make the ring ceremony as special as you like. It's a chance to have non-Member family members be part of your wedding in a more personal way. I highly recommend a ring ceremony, but it seems it might be last minute.

[applepansy]

Being sealed for all eternity is something to sacrifice for. Don't back down.

There are accomodations that can be made for your family. Rings are not part of the temple sealing ceremony. Often a ring ceremony can be done prior to the reception for family who cannot attend the sealing in the temple. This can be done by your bishop or actually whomever you choose. Its not a marriage ceremony. Its just talking about the symbolism of the rings and exhanging them.

I'm sorry your family is hurt and is passing that hurt on to you. Maybe explain how important it would be to you to have them join in the pictures on the temple grounds???

applepansy

[annamaureen]

Not true. You can make the ring ceremony as special as you like. It's a chance to have non-Member family members be part of your wedding in a more personal way. I highly recommend a ring ceremony, but it seems it might be last minute.

Yes; everyone has already made up their minds not to come, and it's two weeks away, so I don't think a ring ceremony would change anything.

I'm just looking for support, I guess. I'm definitely still getting married in the temple, would change that for ANYTHING.

[Maureen]

Here's something to think about:

At the end of that hilltop ceremony, the pastor invited all of the guests at the wedding to say, with him, We now pronounce you husband and wife. That was a profoundly truthful moment: Marriage is not a private event. It is not a mere exchange of vows between a couple. It is an act of the community -- a contract between the couple and the people around them. We will take care of each other and of any children we have, say the new couple; we will not seek to mate with anyone but this spouse; and in exchange for our fidelity to this oath, the whole community will support the integrity of our marriage and family. (When joy, grief share same day by Orson Scott Card - mormontimes.com)

The wedding ceremony (sealing) is important, but after all is said and done, it helps to know that your marriage has the support from your extended family members. Why not just call the bishop and ask his advice?

[NeuroTypical]

Here's a Letter to the Editor, published in the SLTrib a few years back:

Before we were married 58 years ago, my husband and I decided not to be active members of the LDS Church. We believed, and still do, that living an honorable and productive life is not dependent on belonging to any organized denomination.

Our six children were not raised in any church but were welcome to ask their own questions and make up their own minds about any religious affiliation, or none. Three of them eventually joined the LDS Church; the other three went in different directions. They were all old enough then to make their own choices. They all seem equally happy and fulfilled in their decisions.

The three "Mormon" kids were all married in temple ceremonies and we were not in attendance. Do we regret that we were not able to be there? Well, yes and no. It would have been nice to be there, but they made their choices and we made ours. The main thing is that they are well and truly wed to wonderful people, happy and secure in their lives and relationships with each other, and us.

So stop whining about not being able to attend those ceremonies. If it matters that much, do what you have to do to be included.

And don't make your kids feel guilty about you sitting in the “heathen's anteroom.” Be glad for them that they have a solid foundation and someone to love and support them.

Life is hard enough without having to deal with your parents' hurt feelings.

Elaine Wessman

Kearns

---------------------

And here are some thoughts I wrote down a dozen years ago, after getting sealed in the temple, and my dad couldn't come.

Some things I did on my wedding day that were shared with anyone we chose to invite:

* Wedding breakfast, complete with a groom-to-be speech honoring my father and thanking him for all he had done for me.

* 4 hour reception with all the shaking hands, smiling, picture taking, garter tossing, cake eating, and car decorating you'd expect at such an event.

Some things I did on my wedding day that were shared only with certain people:

* Getting sealed in the temple (open only to invited temple recommend holders)

* Family pictures on the temple grounds (location open to public, event open only to select family members)

Some things I did on my wedding day that involved totally and completely excluding absolutely every person I knew on the entire face of the planet except for my spouse:

* Limo ride from temple to reception

* Everything that occurred after driving off in the car with all the "just married" crap hung on it.

So, out of the 24 hours in the day, I'd say 6 was spent sleeping, 2 driving from place to place, 2 wedding breakfast, 2 inside the temple, 2 pictures on temple grounds, 4 reception, and 6 nobody's dang business. (To be honest, 1 of those last hours involved a car wash and a frustrated failed attempt to get toothpaste off the side of my car, but don't tell anyone.)

To summarize, only 8.3% of the best day of my life was spent inside the temple, where my Dad couldn't be. I am very grateful to him for his gracious willingness to involve himself in the 33.33% of the day we wanted him for. I'm very glad he didn't spend years prior to my even chosing a mate griping about losing two hours in an attempt to have me not get married in the temple. Because if he had, I don't know what I would have done. It's possible that the woman that eventually did say yes to me would have instead lost interest due to my negative family complications, and then I would have missed out on 7 of the most wonderful years of my life, not to mention two of the cutest kids ever.

It wasn't until after his death, (when I inherited his anti-mormon library that I knew nothing about), that I realized exactly how much he loved me and trusted me.

I humbly suggest that there's plenty of the "most joyous events of my life" that I was able to share with my father on that day. I owe him big for not screwing it up for me, because he probably could have by having the same problem with it that you are.

LM

[Honor]

I'm sorry that you're experiencing something like this right now. Weddings are stressful enough without a complication like this. I'd continue to simply show your family love. You don't need to be harsh when you say, "I wish more than anything that you would be there with me on this day in my life." Nothing else needs to be said. If they choose not to be there, it will be sad, but it is still their choice and I bet you someday they'll regret it if they don't. The example of how much you cherish a temple marriage as well as how you treat them through this experience will say a lot to them about how much this AND they mean(s) to you. Two weeks is still a bit of time. There might still be changes of heart, but if not, keep in mind that while this day is most special to you, this experience could prove to be a good thing in the long run. Don't be mad, if anything, sad not to share your wedding day with ALL the people you love.

[sensibility]

I'm so sorry. My extended family didn't come to my wedding either, even though they're members, just because of distance; neither did my husband's family, who aren't members -- in fact I didn't even meet my in-laws until I moved to the UK about four months after the wedding. They didn't want to come when they couldn't even watch the ceremony.

We don't have any hard feelings on either side, but it was a little bit lonely. I'm sure it was much worse for my husband -- at least my parents were there, and I invited four or five people from my branch to come. He didn't know anyone at our sealing or reception except me and my parents (and my siblings at the reception). I'm still humbled that he was willing to do that for the sake of a temple marriage.

It stings. But our wedding day was still beautiful and I wouldn't trade it for any other ceremony in the world. The most important thing to us was that we begin our family in our Heavenly Father's house. I'm so grateful we did.

I'm sorry your extended family have withdrawn their support. I hope you still find peace and contentment on your wedding day.

[miztrniceguy]

I know how you feel. My wedding 7 years ago was attended by only 1person on my side of the family...me! All of my family was in calif at the time, I was married in Nauvoo. I have 3 sisters, 2 semi-active and i was at the sealing of 1 of them as a witness. My other sister is not active at all and i doubt she considers herself a member. my mother is gone, my father and his wife were not there. I'm not sure of my dad's membership status. They attend an Evangelical church in Springfield. My parents were sealed in the temple and divorced a few years later. Since my mother was a convert there was nobody else on her side of the family. Lost touch with the cousins and aunts on my dad's side long ago. all the uncles are long gone.

So, it was a family affair for my wife, a few select members of the ward(her ward, as i had just moved here) and one lone common "friend" we both new from a chat site. Very much a sad day for me in that respect. I had hoped my dad would have at least made it to the reception, but i knew he wouldn't.

Try not to dwell on it. It is YOUR day and your spouses day! enjoy!!

[Seanette]

I had geographical complications. Most of my family was in Oregon, I had moved to California. Held two receptions, one in the area I was living in, one in the area I'd come from. My mother (hostile toward faith in general) refused to attend the reception if I had a Temple wedding she couldn't attend.

For me, it was a clear choice: obey God and marry in His house, or allow my mother to rob me of my control of my life (which would have also caused me major in-law problems, and we were living in the same city with DH's family!) and have a civil wedding she probably wouldn't have "been able" (read: chosen) to attend anyway.

For me, kind of a no-brainer, and my mother has gotten just a little more civilized (although an uncle tells me she's still spewing behind-the-back bitterness over my Church membership).

[Wingnut]

Would your extended family have to travel to attend your festivities? If so, I honestly don't blame them, and I don't think that you should expect them to travel a great distance for something, the main event of which they cannot attend.

My parents are both converts to the Church, and were married in the Los Angeles temple. Both had grown up in Southern California, and all of their family still lived in the area. I don't know how "hard" the feelings were at the time (if at all), about not being able to attend the sealing, but all the family members came to the reception. Fast forward 27 years, and I was preparing to marry my sweetheart in the Boston temple. Most of my extended family still lived in California, or at least out west. None are members. I sent invitations to all, but didn't expect that any of them would come. It's an extraordinary request. Because we lived a few hours away from the temple (in opposite directions), my fiance and I decided to go on our honeymoon, then have our receptions (yes, two...two different states). My grandmother and an aunt flew in for the one in my parents' ward. My husband didn't meet any of my dad's family until we'd been married almost two years. He still hasn't met all of my extended family, and I haven't met much of his.

At the end of that hilltop ceremony, the pastor invited all of the guests at the wedding to say, with him, We now pronounce you husband and wife. That was a profoundly truthful moment: Marriage is not a private event. It is not a mere exchange of vows between a couple. It is an act of the community -- a contract between the couple and the people around them. We will take care of each other and of any children we have, say the new couple; we will not seek to mate with anyone but this spouse; and in exchange for our fidelity to this oath, the whole community will support the integrity of our marriage and family. (When joy, grief share same day by Orson Scott Card - mormontimes.com)

Here's something to think about:The wedding ceremony (sealing) is important, but after all is said and done, it helps to know that your marriage has the support from your extended family members. Why not just call the bishop and ask his advice?

This is the second time in the last few weeks that you've posted this quote. I just can't agree with it, and I'm actually surprised to see that it comes from Orson Scott Card. I don't recall making covenants in the temple with anyone other than my spouse and the Lord.

[Maureen]

...This is the second time in the last few weeks that you've posted this quote. I just can't agree with it, and I'm actually surprised to see that it comes from Orson Scott Card. I don't recall making covenants in the temple with anyone other than my spouse and the Lord.

You should probably read the whole article. He's referring to marriage; because we really do not just marry our spouse, we marry our new family also. They are a big part of our new life as a married person.

I think I'm always amazed when people decide to get married, but they haven't bothered to introduce their future spouse to their family. I'm sure there are situations where there are legit reasons, but in some cases I think people are just too impatient.

M.

[BenRaines]

When my wife to be and I went to the temple neither sets of parents were there. Two of my high school friends and their wives were there and two missionaries that I served with. Eight all total counting us. Later a reception was held a week later put on by my parents. My parents were less active at the time but supported me totally on my mission and one semester at school after my mission for tuition.

While it would have been nice to have them there it was their choice to not be able to be there. That silly Agency rears its head again.

Good luck,

Ben Raines

[miztrniceguy]

I had one sister eligible to attend my wedding, but there were issues with her husband's papers, as he is an immigrant. so soon after 9/11 there would have been difficulties in him being able to fly, and driving from calif to missouri was not realistically possible, so i understood.

[talisyn]

I'm getting married in two weeks. I've never had any "persecution" for being a member, until now. All of my extended family are refusing to come because they can't enter the temple. And it's not even like they're sad about it - they just don't seem to care. My grandma originally said she'd be thrilled to come, but she wrote me an email last night saying that she'd changed her mind because she can't see the ceremony.

I'm very hurt. I thought I was close with my extended family, but their actions speak otherwise. I tried posting my feelings to a wedding community I'm a part of, and everyone pretty much said "serves you right, I don't blame them," which just made me feel worse.

Obviously, there's nothing I can do about it. The temple is so important and I'm so happy to be getting married there, but my family's actions still sting. I guess I'm just looking to commiserate people and know that I'm not alone. Stories, anyone?

Since there isn't that many people coming this is a great opportunity to take everyone who does come to the reception someplace really really cool like Las Vegas or Disneyland

I am sorry your extended family is unreasonable about this. I'm glad you're getting married in a temple, it's a very good start at married life. At least now you know how things stand, and you won't be surprised by anything else your relatives may do later down the road

[Hemidakota]

I'm getting married in two weeks. I've never had any "persecution" for being a member, until now. All of my extended family are refusing to come because they can't enter the temple. And it's not even like they're sad about it - they just don't seem to care. My grandma originally said she'd be thrilled to come, but she wrote me an email last night saying that she'd changed her mind because she can't see the ceremony.

I'm very hurt. I thought I was close with my extended family, but their actions speak otherwise. I tried posting my feelings to a wedding community I'm a part of, and everyone pretty much said "serves you right, I don't blame them," which just made me feel worse.

Obviously, there's nothing I can do about it. The temple is so important and I'm so happy to be getting married there, but my family's actions still sting. I guess I'm just looking to commiserate people and know that I'm not alone. Stories, anyone?

My wife's family was anti-Mormon and strictly opposed to our sealing and did not attend our festive day. Later, the anti[ness] is no longer a problem and welcome as there adoptive son.

[NeuroTypical]

You should probably read the whole article.

I'd like to do that. Got a link?

[Wingnut]

I think I'm always amazed when people decide to get married, but they haven't bothered to introduce their future spouse to their family. I'm sure there are situations where there are legit reasons, but in some cases I think people are just too impatient.

I think meeting one's future spouse's immediate family prior to the wedding is adequate. I have extended family members that I have seen in 15 years, and my husband will probably never meet them. I think it's far more prudent for a couple to save their money than to make sure that they get a good family reunion in before the ceremony.

[DigitalShadow]

If your children or close relatives chose another religion that excluded you from their wedding ceremony, how would you feel? Personally I would be a bit disappointed, but still be there for whatever parts I was invited to, but I can understand how some people would be hurt and confused as to why they can't be there to see the ones they love get married.

Being non-LDS and living in Utah with many LDS friends of marrying age, I've seen these types of situations a lot and overreactions on both sides. All I can say is try to put yourself in their position and be understanding (though it sounds like you already are doing that) and hope that your relatives get over their disappointment and decide to support you and be a part of your wedding day. If they decide not to go at all, it is their choice, but I believe they will regret it later.

[Jenamarie]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

My brother married a convert, and her mom couldn't attend the Sealing. She did come to the Temple grounds though, and after the ceremony the Sealer met with her to describe the Sealing (with appropriate detail) and talked about his feelings about the couple during the ceremony. You might ask your Sealer to do that if any of your family does decide to come.

[Maureen]

I'd like to do that. Got a link?

MormonTimes - When joy, grief share same day

[marshac]

Sorry to hear about your troubles- getting married is stressful enough without all this added on top!

My wife and I are new members, and honestly, I wouldn't have understood a few years ago either.... in fact, I recall a TV show that followed couples getting married, one of which was a LDS couple, with non-LDS family on one side... needless to say, fireworks flew, and I seem to recall myself siding with the non-LDS family members. I think that the "quit whining" newspaper opinion piece posted a few posts back is disingenuous at best- it was written by a member who chose to be inactive- they KNEW what the ramifications of their actions were, and could understand the LDS mindset regarding the temple. The problem here is that we're talking about non-members who only see the external consequences- those being that they can't see their child get married. They don't understand what the temple is, and even if they did, it's not like they believe it, and in this area, emotion will always trump knowledge and understanding.

To this day, i'm not sure exactly how to reconcile the situation since we (my wife and I) have inevitably placed our own children on the exact same course (our families are not LDS). I can only hope that things work out and nobody feels slighted when the happy day comes.

For converts like us, we were married in a civil service nearly 3 years ago... and will eventually go to the temple sometime in the future (next year?). I take it this course of action is only taken by converts? Do LDS members ever have a civil service first, and then a temple marriage later on (i'm not talking like the next day, but maybe a month later just so the "it's not real" mentality isn't there)?

note to pam: yes, i'm speaking about our -6mo kid... we don't have any others yet

[talisyn]

My parents, both LDS, were sealed in the SL temple about 9 years after they were married in Las Vegas

Everyone works at their own pace