So Shy

[johnnylingo]

I feel like I'll never get married because I'm so shy.

Others ladies can flirt. They can ask a guy to dance, or at least make eye contact and smile until somebody asks them. They can talk to the guys they like without their mind going competely blank, and they can build friendships before relationships.

Can anybody relate, or have any advice??

(I've attended a YSA ward for around two years, and the only time I was ever asked out, was the only time I was accidentally loud and flirty)

Edited July 14, 2009 by johnnylingo

[Dravin]

I know how you feel, ultimately it comes down to biting the bullet and socializing. Which is of course easier said than done.

[tubaloth]

Exactly. The way things are, the guys have to go out there and do it, even it you fail 99% of the time. It only has to work out once.

[Dr T]

Welcome, good first start with reaching out. :)

[FairChild]

Johnny, may I ask if you are male or female?

[Dravin]

Her profile says female.

[bmy-]

You're at the meat market (YSA)... you might as well shop around. It's something you'll have to conquer. I assume it's much easier for you to be social online.. so you could chat with people via social networking sites like facebook.

[ZionsRodeVos]

I can relate since I was shy when younger. I don't know if I can explain how I became less shy. I do know one of the things that I did when I was shy that didn't help me get any friends. Because I was shy whenever anyone (for me it didn't matter if it was a boy or girl) asked me a question I would simply answer the question but give absolutely no additional information.

Since serving a mission I have learned that to maintain a conversation I must give a little bit more than just the answer to the question and so in such a way I feed the conversation and it continues. But when I was shy I wasn't even interested in maintaining a conversation either so I didn't care. Now that I know this if I want a conversation to end and at the same time don't know how to tell a person nicely to go away I simply give short answers and don't feed the conversation.

I believe my mission helped me to become less shy, however I do remember becoming less shy a year or two prior to my mission. Now that I think of it I think it was because the girl was so nice and friendly and that is what helped me. I was 22 or 23 at the time that I first started dating. Before that I was too shy and not interested in girls. One thing I do remember is that it was a slow process and I had to learn how to socialize. Always in school I only had a few friends. I didn't mind though since I was mostly a loner and liked doing things on my own and I am sure that contributed to me remaining shy.

You seem to want to break out of being shy. I see that as very positive. I do not know if this will help but if you haven't tried it before then it may be worth a try. Find something you are comfortable with doing for example playing a board game or soccer or scripture study or something. Then find an opportunity to do what you like with others in your ward, even if it means you do the inviting. If your birthday is coming up then you could plan to play your favorite board games at your party and hand out invitations to the people you want to be there. The reason I say this is that if you are doing something you enjoy and are comfortable with the hope would be that your mind wouldn't go blank if the person you are talking to happens to be a guy because you know how to keep the game or activity going.

I was thinking about how I am less shy when talking in Spanish (I served a mission in the Dominican Republic) than in English and the thought came to my mind that if you are interested in languages maybe you can find a guy that knows one you would want to learn.

I hope that if none of what I have said seems helpful to you that at least something I said may spark an idea for something that you can do.

[freckleface]

I was terribly shy as a young single woman, johnnylingo. When ever a guy would approach me that I liked my heart would start racing, I would blush and my mind would go completely blank. I just hated it. Let me reassure you that someday a man will see it as an endearing quality and find it completely charming. He'll follow you to the ends of the earth, and lay his coat out in the street so you don't have to get your new shoes wet. Well, maybe he'll pick you up and carry you, but you get the picture.

Don't fret, love. It's okay to be shy.:)

[Heavenguard]

Have your goal be to make friends, not boyfriends. It's easier to talk to someone who is your friend rather than someone who is just a crush. And those sorts of relationships are much more enjoyable, because you're not pressuring yourself into thinking all sorts of things, like does he like me? What does it mean when he does XYZ? And you'll gain some friends. If someone from those friends becomes interested, then let that fall where it may.

[Guest JoshDwellington]

Johnnylingo, still didn't say if you were a Male or a Female !

anyways, I was pretty shy when I was young and I just socialized and made a lot of friends at :

_ volunteering centers

_ dog shelters

_ church activities

_ sports

I just smile like an idiot all the time and talk talk talk, doesn't matter what or with whom, old ladies, kids, anyone anywhere

Just smile and talk talk talk, on the bus, when I walk my dog, it takes some time when you start, but you'll be surprised you actually meet some nice people !:)

[aclaire11]

I am pretty shy, too, but I'm working on being more outgoing. I realized that I feel nervous around people I don't know very well, and I tend to hang out with first few people I meet and actually have conversations with. Now when I am in a new school/class/ward/etc, I introduce myself to as many people as possible, and try to have at least a short conversation with them. That helps me feel more relaxed around everyone. And I definitely agree with the poster that said just try and be friends instead of chasing after "crushes."

EDIT: Also, smile a lot! Not only does it make you look more friendly, it actually makes you feel happier!

Edited July 21, 2009 by aclaire11

[FairChild]

I was reading an article about shyness and it said something I found interesting. It said if you were shy, you were also a person that was very self focused. It said one of the best remedies for shyness was to focus outside of yourself.

[johnnylingo]

It's okay to be shy.:)

Thanks! For a moment I was feeling a little defective.

(I'm a woman, even though my username is johnnylingo)

[StallionMcBeastly]

Shyness can be attractive in a woman.

Anyways, work on showing and developing your personality. Be happy and smile - ask people how they're doing. You'll get a positive response back.

[melissa23]

I'm shy too.. lol. I'm not quite sure how to get over that. But I think we just need to learn how to, and push ourselves. I'm trying to work on it.. my goal this year at school is to try and meet more people and to not always hang out with the same people all the time.. that's what it tend to do haha. But I def know how you feel. But I also don't think its bad.. there's just times when if your being TOO shy you need to find a way to get over it.

[Arkwelder]

It usually comes down to self-image. If you value what you have to offer others, then chances are you will come out of your shell. You are not just trying to attract any guy, but the right guy. Seriously, what makes you cool? The right guy will think it's cool, too. If you don't think there is anything cool about you, then that may be your problem right there.

[Arkwelder]

Hey, ZionsRodeVos. Want to say I really liked your advice for shy people who find dating difficult. I write . I like to surf the net looking for exceptionally wise or uplifting quotes to use on the blog I write for FAIR's Rising Generation . I was impressed with your reply and plan on using it.

[pam]

I hope you got Zion's permission.

[TheJosmo]

As a former chronically shy person, I found a good start was to try smiling at people, wherever I went, holding open doors, and nonverbal things like that. I had to practice in the mirror to develop those facial muscles, but once I became more approachable, having people approach me made me feel more confident and my shyness just melted away over time! =)

[topsyturvy]

You can either force yourself out of your shell - often painful - or you can find a friend that is loud and obnoxious for you. Not so loud as to make you want to become even quieter. Someone that will help you to be yourself in public and slowly you won't need him or her around to be who you are. Instead of forcing yourself out of your shell, this friend helps to coax you out without the trial by fire.

[JudoMinja]

I don't know if this will help you overcome being shy, but I want to give you some cautionary advice too. It sounds like you may be feeling a bit desperate, because your shyness is getting in the way of getting dates. Just don't cling to anyone out of simple desperation!

The first guy that ever showed any interest in me as dating material I clung to. I thought he was "the one". Now, we are getting divorced because he was abusive. Then, divorce still in process, another guy showed interest in me and he clung to me out of desperation (he's been off his mission for two years and I was the first girl that would even take the time to talk to him). His desperation and inability to respect the fact that I'm still technically married was a huge turnoff and I had to give him the heartbreaking no.

So, don't get desperate. It will either land you with a dangerous guy, or scare away your good choices. Just take it easy, take your time, be patient. You'll find the right one when it is time, and you'll step out of your shy bubble, even if you have to make a complete goof out of yourself first. :)

Patience.

[jacobh]

I used to be shy, but my mission helped me out a lot. But how do girls feel about guys who are simply quiet? I mean I noticed with many of my missionary companions that I just enjoyed silence a lot more than they did, but I guess that makes me incredibly boring >_<. Thoughts?

[beefche]

I used to be shy, but my mission helped me out a lot. But how do girls feel about guys who are simply quiet? I mean I noticed with many of my missionary companions that I just enjoyed silence a lot more than they did, but I guess that makes me incredibly boring >_<. Thoughts?

Do you mean you never talk? Not even with your closest friend? If so, then that might be a problem.

Otherwise, you will find girls who won't like your quiet and girls who will love it. There's nothing wrong with being introverted, shy, quiet, whatever you want to label it. It doesn't work well with everyone, but neither does the personality that is non-quiet.

As far as dating, I don't mind someone who is quiet as long as he does talk to me. He doesn't have to be a chatter-box, but, sharing in conversations is part of relationships.

[jacobh]

Not that extreme! But smalltalk is difficult for me,... I'll survive though :-/.