Is my situation an "epic fail"?

[BrioCyrain]

Okay I'll try to put this in perspective....

I'm 20 years old and gonna be like 21 in a month. Have been in wards with cute girls but none of them seem interested...now a YSA that goes to a YSA ward when I feel up to it...and never...ever...have been on a date.

There was a time when I was 16+ that I asked out a girl, but she just rejected me, and after that moved to a church that the girls were either too young or too old for me.

And now I go to a YSA that I've gone to but now in a limbo mode of being afraid of being either ultimately rejected again.

Very sad that many of my friends either are married now, have bf/gf, or at least DATED! And I have done or have neither....am I just in a situation of EPIC FAIL?

[WmLee]

How about asking someone of interest if they would like to go with you to a YSA activity. That would be a low grade, non-threatening type date and if she doesn't want to go or can't, she has an easy out without hurting your feelings. If she can go, you have an easy date!

Good luck.

[NeuroTypical]

I didn't date until I was 26. Now I'm sitting on a couch watching Clifford the Big Red Dog with my two kids.

I remember spending hours just overpowered with the knowledge that I was just so dang different than anyone, and worried sick about what that would mean to my future. But things turned out ok.

Yeah, you're story is not the usual one. But don't do anything dumb out of desparation, and I'm guessing you'll be fine.

LM

[FunkyTown]

. But don't do anything dumb out of desparation, and I'm guessing you'll be fine.

LM

I love LM, but I have to disagree with this. Do things dumb ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME!

You are a man. This means you have license to do dumb things. You can quote Homer Simpson like he was a philosopher king! You can pick up boxing despite having no coordination because you want to try something new and then get punched in the face in your first sparring match and having your nose broken!

You can take a week off of work, pick up the phone and say 'Are there any last minute tickets to anywhere on special? Wow! That's cheap. Deal. I'm flying to Monteverde!'.

Doing dumb things as a guy is your prerogative. Nay! It is your BIRTHRIGHT! Go. Do dumb things. You will love it.

[Bini]

But sometimes, FunkyTown, girls (at least the ones ready to date and possibly settle down) don't want a wild card. One of the biggest complaints women have is that their bf/husband is immature and needs to grow up! That's not to say you shouldn't be adventurous and try new things but be reasonable and responsible in your actions.

Back to OP. I don't think this is an EF. Things usually fall into place with the natural flow of life. They don't always happen immediately and sometimes it may take years. It's funny how people say "Stop looking for love and it'll find you". I believe this to some extent. If you stop trying so darn hard, it may just come to you because sometimes I think we focus too much on something and we miss subtleties that may lead to opportunities otherwise unnoticed.

[rameumptom]

Talk with one of the other guys, you are friends with, and see if he can set you up with a double date. Work in group dates, where you can just be yourself, and girls can see who you are.

Don't be afraid of being turned down by girls. If 10 turn you down, but the eleventh says yes, then it will be worth it. Make a game out of it, and don't take it personally.

If there are girls you are interested in, find out their interests, and invite them to do something geared towards that interest. For instance, if one of them loves a certain music group, buy some good tickets up front and invite her to attend with you. She'd be crazy to turn you down. And if she is crazy, there will be others happy to attend with you.

[Dravin]

I didn't date until I was 26.

Interesting. I didn't go on my first date (We aren't taking started dating regularly, we're talking first date ever) until just not to long ago. Amazing gal, completely worth the wait but I'm getting off topic...

So no BrioCyrain, you aren't stuck in epic fail.

Edited April 4, 2010 by Dravin

[JudoMinja]

Definitely not an epic fail. I didn't date until I was 21. At least, not anything I considered a real date. Went to the movies a couple times with a guy who was more like a brother/ adopted into the family. Went to the military ball with someone in JROTC, but it was just as friends and I spent more time with my best friend than him. And went to prom with a friend that was too young to go himself but wanted to go because he was moving- so I invited him to go as my date. And that was it until I was 21 and someone asked me out.

[rameumptom]

Hugh Nibley was so involved in his studies and work that he didn't marry until he was in his mid-40s. Be patient, make a few plans, relax and enjoy the journey we call life.

[angelinadp]

I gotta say I feel the same but just the other way around. I grew up with these beliefs, with the idea of getting married with a lds guy, ex missionary, etc, etc.. but it seems that none of the guys of my church look at me.. I'm indeed asking myself if I'm not that worthy, or perhaps I should send everything to trash and start dating non-lds guys which actually look at me and ask me out. I don't know.. I'm going through a difficult stage of my life in which nothing seems to make sense..

Lol, but my personal drama isn't important. I'm not who to give you advice about this. But well.. we both should have faith that things happen for a reason and the good one will come.. hopefully.

[MisterT]

I never had a girlfriend, a kiss, or a date, until I had been discharged from the Army after 4 years of service. Then I married the first woman I dated and kissed; big mistake.

Don't start dating out of desperation, and definately don't fall in love with the first girl who says she'll go out with you.

I recommend you go to counselling to deal with your self-esteem issues and learn how to talk to women of the opposite sex. You'll be better off for it.

Edited April 12, 2010 by MisterT

[Zowieink]

You know, I dated at lot in High School, but when I entered college, I stopped. School was just to much! So, for 4 years I went to school (during the Viet Nam war) without ever dating. Went to alot of YSA stuff (remember M-men and gleaners!).

So, the war ends, the draft is over, I go on a mission (at 23!). I come home at 25 and decide to go for a Masters. Again, back to school and no dating. Finally, I decide to go to (I think) Education Days at BYU.

At BYU, I meet a sister who served in the same mission as I did. We decide to go to the temple the next day where I asked her to marry me, and she said yes.

So it is possible to get married without ever having a "date". We did get married 5 months later. I lived in Houston, she lived in Mesa, AZ, and we saw each other 2 times.

So.....just put the insecurities aside, forget the failure in high school (irrelevant anyway), and just relax. I found it was easier to go with a group, and then after getting friendly in a group way, then ask for a date.

Good luck, and just stop being a wimp.

[Jbs2763]

im 30, haven't dated much over the years, have better 'luck' with online women...getting to know and be freinds and such...

I suck at dating....

you are young..just don't get over pressured by the "gotta get married by 25" group...lol

[Guest]

Okay I'll try to put this in perspective....

I'm 20 years old and gonna be like 21 in a month. Have been in wards with cute girls but none of them seem interested...now a YSA that goes to a YSA ward when I feel up to it...and never...ever...have been on a date.

There was a time when I was 16+ that I asked out a girl, but she just rejected me, and after that moved to a church that the girls were either too young or too old for me.

And now I go to a YSA that I've gone to but now in a limbo mode of being afraid of being either ultimately rejected again.

Very sad that many of my friends either are married now, have bf/gf, or at least DATED! And I have done or have neither....am I just in a situation of EPIC FAIL?

D00de, you gave up too fast! It is better to ask out a million women and get rejected 9 hundred 99 thousand 9 hundred and 99 times - eventually finding that awesome girl the millionth try - rather than ask 0 women and end up with nobody.

There used to be a time when girls had to wait to be asked out before they can have a pick. If only the one guy they don't really care much about ask them out, they're stuck on epic fail! At least, you get to go have the pick of the entire bunch!

Go be yourself. Ask somebody out. So what if they reject you. Then it's their loss for passing up on such a great guy as yourself... now, there's the trick - you gotta be sure you are a great guy... if you don't think you are, then you got some work to do! :)

[angelinadp]

You know, I dated at lot in High School, but when I entered college, I stopped. School was just to much! So, for 4 years I went to school (during the Viet Nam war) without ever dating. Went to alot of YSA stuff (remember M-men and gleaners!).

So, the war ends, the draft is over, I go on a mission (at 23!). I come home at 25 and decide to go for a Masters. Again, back to school and no dating. Finally, I decide to go to (I think) Education Days at BYU.

At BYU, I meet a sister who served in the same mission as I did. We decide to go to the temple the next day where I asked her to marry me, and she said yes.

So it is possible to get married without ever having a "date". We did get married 5 months later. I lived in Houston, she lived in Mesa, AZ, and we saw each other 2 times.

So.....just put the insecurities aside, forget the failure in high school (irrelevant anyway), and just relax. I found it was easier to go with a group, and then after getting friendly in a group way, then ask for a date.

Good luck, and just stop being a wimp.

That's such a beautiful story!!! I wish I deserved that degree of luck hmmmm

Edited April 13, 2010 by angelinadp

[BrioCyrain]

Thanks for the advice everyone, I now feel a bit silly about the whole thing. I mean even if I did date before now it wouldn't be 'til I was 21(which is this month) that it would "count" anyway. The real thing to do is start being more active in church before I try to do anything dratic.

[Elgama]

who wants to be married at 21 lol enjoy being single, nothing makes a more attractive man and a betetr marriage than someone enjoys their life at whatever stage they are at

I had very few dates before I married and I got a good guy who I am incredibly happy with, I know the church YW manuals suggest you need to date loads to be happy personally I disagree you need to know what you want out of a marriage partner, and not compromise, and just like the person you are marrying

[beefche]

I know the church YW manuals suggest you need to date loads to be happy personally I disagree you need to know what you want out of a marriage partner, and not compromise, and just like the person you are marrying

Can you tell me in what manual it says to date alot to be happy? I taught YW for 3 years and never saw that. I also reviewed the For Strength of Youth pamphlet and it doesn't say that.

[ZSEdwardson]

My Best advise is to take it slow, talk to the girls without the "Date" label if it stresses you out.

For example, I go to Institute, since my branch is smallish and we don't really have a YSA group, (It is more informal, but I have to admit, the sisters of my branch are trying there best to arrange me meeting with there single sisters, friends, ect) but anyways, getting back to point, there is a very attractive wonderful girl who at my branch and I occasionally talk to, suddenly its "I will see you Saturday at the baptism" and while it not a date, we are getting to know each other better and who knows.

At some point, you will learn that the worse will be the girl will say no, and a lot of the most wonderful women never get asked out since men think that they will not say yes. Find a girl you like and then ask her to something non-threating, such as a group activity, or get a buddy to set you up on a double date, even if that dating doesn't work out, you will get a more used to dating and get more confortable in your skin.

[Elgama]

Can you tell me in what manual it says to date alot to be happy? I taught YW for 3 years and never saw that. I also reviewed the For Strength of Youth pamphlet and it doesn't say that.

it was in the Laurel manual about dating - it may have changed its been nearly 20 years since I had anything to do with YW but that and the one about shaving legs wound me up lol

[beefche]

it was in the Laurel manual about dating - it may have changed its been nearly 20 years since I had anything to do with YW but that and the one about shaving legs wound me up lol

Help me out. I've gone to lds.org and looked at all 3 manuals and read the lessons on dating. None of them say to date alot--in fact, most of them say it's ok to not date at all while a teen. It does stress group dating.

Can you link to the Laurel manual that talks about dating alot to be happy?

[beefche]

it was in the Laurel manual about dating - it may have changed its been nearly 20 years since I had anything to do with YW but that and the one about shaving legs wound me up lol

It has changed. No more lessons on shaving legs. Also, the teens are encouraged to group date and that it is ok to not date at all while a teen.

[Elgama]

It has changed. No more lessons on shaving legs. Also, the teens are encouraged to group date and that it is ok to not date at all while a teen.

ahh ok apologies then, it was group dating that was encouraged but was about the more you dated the more rounded a marriage partner you would be