Neighbor kids

[justaname]

For one reason or another, our home has become kind of a local gathering site for some neighbor kids. Some of these kids come over on their own accord, but we also have several mothers that seem to take advantage of it by sending their kids over to our home.

The biggest issue we have is with one particular family. We dont socialize with them much, other then the occasional discussion outside or at church. Their kids show up at our doorstep all the time, knocking on the door and saying, "my mom said I could come play." Then they just march on in. Its strange, because all of their kids say the exact same thing when they show up. The problem gets a little more complicated than this. Two of their kids match up fairly well in age, so our kids like them coming over to play. Unfortunately, one of these kids is a nightmare and basically destroys our house every time he comes over, then sneaks out before my wife realizes that a mess has been made. We would rather this kid not come over, but he seems to follow his sister over when she plays with our daughter. Ok, it still gets a little more complicated. In this same family is a 12 year old that is very socially behind. He comes over, knocks on our door, tells us "my mom said I could come play" and asks to play with our 4 year old son. Im not really that comfortable with this. If we tell him that our son is busy, or give some other excuse, he just sits outside or in our backyard for almost an hour. Doing what? I have no idea. He just sits around. I feel bad for the kid because he seems to be a loner, but I dont want him playing with my 4 year old. I also would like to see him play with kids his own age because I think he will become socially acclimatized faster this way, but Im not his dad and dont think its my place to tell his parents this. So, how do we address these issues with the neighbor? I dont want to offend them, since I think they are kind of on the brink of inactivity, and no one else in the ward has their kids over to play. Am I making too big of deal about this or should I have a chat with the parents? If so, how to start a conversation like that?

[Elgama]

Personally I have no issue with a 12 year old playing with a 4 year old so can't help there but when I had children dropping all the time I made a stop sign and told them when that was on the door it was family time and not to knock

[JThimm88]

Personally I have no issue with a 12 year old playing with a 4 year old so can't help there but when I had children dropping all the time I made a stop sign and told them when that was on the door it was family time and not to knock

I don't have children yet or live in a place where they would be coming over all the time, but for future reference, I'll have to keep that stop sign in mind. That's a pretty good idea. :)

[Gwen]

i would probably start by keeping them outside if you can. let them know they made a mess and that's not ok so they must play outside for now. they are not allowed to just walk in.

i would talk to the parents about their kids just hanging out in my yard. i would do it from a safety stand point. if the mom sent them over and thinks you are watching them and you aren't then who is watching the kids? i would also not hesitate to step outside when i see they didn't go home and tell them to go home so their mom knows where they are. if they don't i would call the parents and tell them to come get their kid.

[not_ashamed]

I know exactly how you feel, my house is also the neighborhood hang out it seems. Sometimes though enough is enough. Many times parents will take advantage if they think you don't mind their kids always coming over. Have you considered asking this family over for dinner or a combined family home evening, to maybe open the lines of communication with this other family? I try to get to know the parents of the kids my children play with the most in our neighborhood. Makes it much easier to tackle issues that may arise.

[NeuroTypical]

Something to consider:

In the modern kid's world of sexting and drug use and gangs and unchaste behavior and glorification of violence and deviance and disrespecting authority and guns and idiot parents ignoring their kids and horribly dysfunctional relationships with loved ones - your house is where they all go.

Now, this could be a good thing or a bad thing. It depends on how much of a clue about such things you and your spouse have. If the adult present during these visits has a couple ounces of street smarts, you could use the opportunity to forward the work of the kingdom, save souls, right wrongs, and help maturing people not do stupid things. Heaven knows such opportunities are far too rare these days. If you ain't got no street smarts, or if you don't want any part of their lives, your home is quite possibly a refuelling station for some of that sort of behavior already.

These kids bring their own civilization and culture with them. I don't know what it looks like, but I guarantee you it looks very different from what you have as a family. Are you plugged into it? If not, you have something of value they want (a meeting place), you could use it to plug into their society. If you can manage to not mess it up. (I say this last bit not as something personal, but because 'not messing it up' is a skill few posess. I don't have that skill at all.)

Just thinking out loud...

one of these kids is a nightmare and basically destroys our house every time he comes over, then sneaks out before my wife realizes that a mess has been made.

...

I dont want to offend them, since I think they are kind of on the brink of inactivity, and no one else in the ward has their kids over to play.

Well, you have options - just gotta pick one.

1- Watch him like a hawk, and make him clean up before he leaves if he wants to come back. He leaves a mess, you stop him at the door and turn him away when he returns.

2- Work with the parents to have them send him back over to clean up if he wants to come back.

3- Bend like a stalk of wheat in a wind storm and never bring it up again.

4- Tell the family not to send their kids over any more, and deal with the fallout.

a 12 year old that is very socially behind. He comes over, knocks on our door, tells us "my mom said I could come play" and asks to play with our 4 year old son. Im not really that comfortable with this.

I would be totally against it, and would let him know such things don't happen. Excuses perpetuate the problem. Handle it.

LM

[bl8tant]

We had the same problem with our neighbors for a while; their youngest daughter (same age as our middle son) came over *all* the time. It turns out that she was coming over because she had a really, really unhappy home life and craved the company of our kids, and to a lesser extent the positive interactions that we always tried to have with her.

[rameumptom]

I would tell the kids they are welcome to come over, but then explain the rules to them. As long as they follow the rules, they are welcome under normal circumstances. If they break the rules, then they cannot come back for 2 weeks.

As for the 12 yr old wanting to play with a 4 yr old, I agree with you. There's too much concern of abuse that could go on with such an age disparity. Unless you are playing with your child and the 12 year old is also invited to join in, I'd look for other answers on this one. Maybe find some other 12 yr old members that can also come over and play with him in your backyard? Or look to become a Big Brother/Sister to the child?

[pam]

Personally I have no issue with a 12 year old playing with a 4 year old so can't help there but when I had children dropping all the time I made a stop sign and told them when that was on the door it was family time and not to knock

I like that idea. Then just make sure you always have the sign up.

[Bini]

The stop sign idea is an excellent one!

I think your question as to how to approach this has already been answered by other posters. It's really just a matter of how "direct" you want to be in resolving this. You can be blunt and put your foot down, or passive about the whole thing and let it continue to irritate you. Also, I see nothing wrong with allowing this boy to play with your 4-year old child within your home, as long as there's supervision.

[ryanh]

The 12 yo playing with the 4 yo would not be tolerated in my home. Interacting and playing in the yard, or in the presence of parents, perhaps, but I would still be very hesitant.

Such age disparity is prime territory for sexual molestation. You have a duty to protect the 12 yo from any potential appearance of wrongdoing as well to protect your son from actual acts. Even if the 12 yo simply has the emotional maturity of a 5 yo and gets along with younger children better, it is just a bad idea. At 12, his hormones are likely well ahead of his mental maturity, and you have no idea what patterns he may have experienced at home, with family, or friends. It is just too dangerous for both boys. Am I paranoid? Perhaps. But it is based on education of the phenomenon, not a baseless phobia. DON'T let it continue!

Re the younger boy, often a child behaving like that is looking for love/attention. It may be safe to presume that since his mother appears to want to get the kids out of the house a lot, he may not be receiving adequate attention at home. The sneaking out after making the mess may seem counter-intuitive to the idea of attention seeking, but it really is not (he likely has conflicting desires [attention vs not getting in trouble] that he doesn’t know how to handle - very closely related to the whole issue of not understanding how to appropriately seek attention).

Does it seem that he is just a busy 'pull everything out and look at it but don't put it back' type of kid? Or is the connotation you gave that he is on a seek and destroy mission more accurate?

[lizzy12]

I know I'm late on this but...

what if this 12 yr old simple wanted a younger brother to play with! At 15 i love watching and playing barbies with the 4 and 5 yr old girls in my ward !

[Suzie]

I know I'm late on this but...

what if this 12 yr old simple wanted a younger brother to play with! At 15 i love watching and playing barbies with the 4 and 5 yr old girls in my ward !

Or maybe the 12 year old have special needs that makes him socially awkward.

Personally I don't think we live in times where I feel comfortable with a bunch of kids coming to my home, particularly with no parents along because if something bad end up happening to one of these kids, who do you think they would come after?

[pam]

It's sad that it has come to that isn't it? But so true.