Hurt, scared, confused...

[John11111]

I have been married to my wife for 9 years. We have 2 daughters 8 and 6 years old.

We were married right outta highschool at 18 years old, I went into nursing and got my liscence as an lpn. We only had legal marriage and have not yet been to the temple.

So about 4 years ago I found out my wife had been unfaithful with my brother. I had noticed a change in her and was always trying to get her to talk to me, one night I asked her what had happened. I thought maybe someone had done something to her.

She admitted she had been sleeping with my brother about a year before and it had lasted over 6 months 1-3 times a week while I was at work. She told me she had stopped it herself and felt really bad about it and it was a huge mistake. I was really upset and angry I didnt now what to do. We went to the bishop and talked to him about it they had a disciplinary counsil, she was placed on probation and had bi-weekly meetings with the bishop she did well at 1st but she found out the bishop was changing and she quit going.

In this time I found out by accident when I was using her computer a guy pmed me that we had known. I was talking to him and I guess he thought I was her... Turns out she had given him a picture of her wearing next to nothing. I confonted her about it and she admitted to it and that she hadnt talked to him in over a year and that she had felt pressured into it.

Anyways we started goin to the bishop again about a year ago after not having seen anyone for almost 2 years?. I was happy that my wife had finally got on track again I thought things were going well.

Just recently about 3-4 weeks ago I started to get the feeling something was wrong again. I had installed a net nanny type program on the computer because of the previous incident and to protect my daughters. I saw some very disturbing chats she was having with my brother.... It appeared that she was being unfaithful again. In the chats she told him, she didnt really had feelings for me and was scared all the time, she said she felt like I didnt love or or like her anymore...

I thought that was insane I buy her flowers 1-2 times a month. I take her out on mini shopping sprees so she has nice things. I work hard so she doesnt have to work. I plan dinners and take her out to breakfast and try to do nice things for her. I try and take her on a date at least 2x a month. From what I hear about others couples in my eyes I do a lot for her.

SO I confronted her a night later after work about the chats I started yelling at her to call her mom to come pick her up and get out of the house. I was so angry. Her mom knew of the pevious unfaithfulness because she was relief society president at the time so the bishop was obligated to tell her i guess.

She came over and luckily was able to talk to us a bit and calmed things down. My wife ended up staying and we stayed up all night talking. I took off work the next day to spend time at home. I dont know what to do anymore when I was talking to my wife she said she doesnt know why she did it.

I asked her why she felt like she did after all I do for her she thinks its because she never got to grow up. I dunno If I can do this all again. We have to talk to the bishop again and im certain this time she will be excommunicated. I love my wife so much and my children would be devastated if I got a divorce she is a great mother to them. I dont know what to do anymore im confused and hurt. I dont want to waste another 3 years of my life and the same thing happen again yet I dont want to throw these last 9 years away.

Im not perfect and I have my faults I yell at her for having a messy house or not having clean clothes to wear. Or not having prepared meals I help her around the house and do work I paint, fix broken pipes , drains, all the maintence stuff that seems to always pop up. I even clean the house spotless from time to time so all she as to do is keep it picked up. She doesnt have to work so I figure if I put in 40 hours or more at work she can at least put in 15-20 hours at home this never happens she will spend maybe 1-3 hours once a week and call it trying hard...

I asked her why she was scared of me and she said it was because she never knows if I am gonna leave her for what happened the 1st time... I would have left when I found out if that was the case... I thought that all the things I do for her showed that I still cared. She tells me flowers are nice but she would rather have more time talking. Everytme I try to talk to her or ask her how she is doing she wont open up. I see somethings not right but she denies it.

If one of her reasons was being scared id leave her, then why will it be any better this time around? Wont that feeling be greater for her now after a 2nd time? She says she still loves me and chose to stay.

I dont know what to believe anymore she has lied before and the things she said when she didnt know anyone else would see keep digging at me. She tells me she didnt mean those things and she was just mad at me but I have no trust left right now.

PLEASE HELP!!!

I guess we plan on seeing the bishop this week and im scared for my wife I know whats coming for her and have read up on it on the lds site. I know she can repent again and be re baptized. I have waited 4 years already to get married in the temple and be sealed to my daughters. Having to wait another 2-3 years doesnt sit well with me I dont want to lose my family if something were to happen to me or my daughters. I know they soon will be too old to be sealed and we will have to wait until they are adults themselves?

ANyways sorry its so long and jumbled but my mind is going a million thoughts a minute and I have no one to talk to as I dont want to embarass my wife and let friends or family know. I talked once with my bestfriend about it I had it bottled up for long. I never visit or see my bet friend anymore because after I told him I always feel bad or uncomfortable with him now.

Edited November 8, 2010 by John11111

[John11111]

Also I know it says in dc that the lord will chose whom he forgives but we must forgive all men. Divorce isnt something I really want but if for some reason it ends up happening would I still be able to forgive her even if we are divorced? Isnt getting a divorce saying I am not willing to forgive her?

[FunkyTown]

Also I know it says in dc that the lord will chose whom he forgives but we must forgive all men. Divorce isnt something I really want but if for some reason it ends up happening would I still be able to forgive her even if we are divorced? Isnt getting a divorce saying I am not willing to forgive her?

I began writing and deleted what I had numerous times in this thread.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Only you will know the answer to this question.

If you don't mind me asking, though, how about your brother? How have things been going there?

[John11111]

I sat down with him and we talked for a couple hours. I always thought he knew I had known about the 1st time. I had hinted at it but never directly confronted him. I dont wanna defend him but he has had a hard time. We were very close when we were younger and getting married at 18 and leaving home was very hard for him.

He doesnt really have any friends, and I have been trying to help him with life getting a girlfriend etc. He doesnt go to church anymore because I think he feels what he did has doomed him. He told me it was his fault because he pushed my wife into it? I dunno it takes 2 people I told him I will forgive him and want to stay close but I need time.

I told him I wish he would go to his bishop and get back into church and that I would be there for him and that his situation isnt hopeless. I made it very clear he is no longer welcome in my home though if he ever wants to spend time together I will arrange it. I dont want to abandon him again but I know I need to deal with my own problems 1st.

My dad would litterally kill him if he found out coming from another country and being a police officer he has very strong feelings about this. It would kill my mom and my sisters would tell my parents so. I dont feel he has anywhere else to go and though I made him promise not to hurt himself because of whats happened I worry for him.

I guess until he sees his bishop or someone else that he can talk to that I will be the one he speaks to? Like I said im very confused and hurt right now. My brother and wife are the two people I care for most so it just makes the whole situation that much worse.

[Tarnished]

My advice is this: Read my story, and if you would like, pm my husband, Faded. About two years ago we went through a similar thing. I had an affair and we worked through it. As someone who has been on the sinning end I know there are certain things she needs to be doing if she is going to get through the repentance process. I know it can be done, but she really needs to work at it and really needs to have a desire to repent. http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/17111-blindsided-dumbstruck.html From my experience she really needs to want to repent from her sins, and currently it sounds like she is continuing to fall back into the same sin again and again. See about counseling, and see about talking with her about everything. Possibly include your mother in law again as it sounds like she has taken a mediator role in your marriage before. And if you need someone to vent/talk to please feel free to private message my husband. One thing I found during our whole experience was that my husband really needed someone to just talk to. There is a way for all of this to get better, our marriage is proof, but it does take a lot of work from both spouses to get there.

[Gwen]

not sure there is anything i can say that will help. i can comment on this...

I know they soon will be too old to be sealed and we will have to wait until they are adults themselves?

they are never to old. if you are being sealed they can be brought in and be sealed to you (assuming all are worthy). if you are being sealed to someone other than their mother then you will need mom's written permission before the sealing can take place (if she won't give it then they will have to wait till 18 and choose that for themselves).

as for the rest of it this site may have some helpful info for you.... His Needs, Her Needs

[Wingnut]

My first impression is that it's great that you give your wife flowers and shopping sprees, but if "things" aren't her love language, then that doesn't matter to her. Also, those things are nice, but you could try not yelling at her about the house being messy.

Also, the bishop definitely did not have an obligation to tell the Relief Society president about your wife's infidelity. In fact, as something shared with him in clerical confidence, he absolutely had an obligation to not tell the RS president, especially when that person was your wife's mother. That was highly inappropriate.

[Just_A_Guy]

Isnt getting a divorce saying I am not willing to forgive her?

Not necessarily; it could just be saying that you can't trust her and you have to protect yourself emotionally and economically.

But, that said: divorce does have a huge cost; and even where the wife has been unfaithful she's still more than likely to wind up with the kids. Consider the possibility that, all things considered, it may be to your advantage to just suck this up, at least until the kids are grown and out of the house.

[funkenheimer]

My divorce was finalized just over a year ago. My heart goes out to you. Although there was no infidelity that I know of, I know the kind of pain you and your family is going through.

I agree with Funkytown, this will be a decision you will have to make. Consider all the advice given on this board and weigh all of your options. Then turn to the Lord in prayer and ask for guidance. Ultimately, he is the only One who knows what is best.

A scripture that helped me in the last months of my marriage and through the divorce process was this one found in Proverbs.

Proverbs 3:5-6

5 ¶ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Feel free to PM me if you would like. There are certain aspects of the divorce I prefer not to share in an open forum.

Hang in there, trust in the Lord, and you will know what you need to do. Sometimes the decisions we have to make are difficult and it may seem that there are no good choices. But the Lord sees the whole picture and knows which way we should go.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Wingnut - I seriously hope you are not trying to insinuate that the reason for the infidelity is directly related to his yelling at his wife. I don't believe this is what you meant, but it needs clarification.

If he stops yelling today it doesn't change what has already happened, which is pretty damaging. I also don't really believe this will have any impact on what happens next.

Also, the Bishop does discuss these types of things in Committe Meetings where the Reliefe Society president is present. I am not sure of the detail involved, but the RS president, and all auxiliary leaders, would be notified of the disciplinary action at the very least.

[Wingnut]

Wingnut - I seriously hope you are not trying to insinuate that the reason for the infidelity is directly related to his yelling at his wife. I don't believe this is what you meant, but it needs clarification.

Not at all. The yelling could lead to problems, but it is not the primary cause of the infidelity. However, if the OP's wife responds better to loving and kind words than to gifts, then the OP's giving of flowers and shopping sprees won't mean anything to the wife when he turns around and yells at her all the time.

Also, the Bishop does discuss these types of things in Committe Meetings where the Reliefe Society president is present. I am not sure of the detail involved, but the RS president, and all auxiliary leaders, would be notified of the disciplinary action at the very least.

Auxiliary presidents should be notified of disciplinary status on a need-to-know basis, and they should not be informed about the reason for the disciplinary action.

[rameumptom]

Your wife needs to see a therapist. Chances are she is bipolar, which is why she does well for a while, and then slumps back into her old ways.

Create a contract with her of expectations she needs to follow in order to remain married. Tell her you do love her, but SHE is forcing a break up of the marriage. Emphasize you've given her several chances, but this is the last chance.

Tell your parents to talk to your brother about breaking up your family, they need to be involved with him. And if necessary, get an injunction against your brother for being around or contacting your family, with the intent that if he does this again, you will sue him for all the money he has. This isn't a criminal case, but it can win in a civil court.

[Wingnut]

Your wife needs to see a therapist. Chances are she is bipolar, which is why she does well for a while, and then slumps back into her old ways.

That behavioral pattern doesn't necessarily indicate bi-polar. I circle through a similar pattern a lot. I have ADD and mild depression. Neither are medically treated right now, and I manage the depression very well, but not so much the ADD.

Of course, I've never cheated on my husband, though.

[ryanh]

Chances are she is bipolar

I'm not seeing adequate information either to indicate such. There would be other issues that would better explain repeating past behaviors. ADHD is one of them.

John, if you replaced financial issues with adultery, I could have written a story eerily similar to what you did. Many aspects are very similar to what I faced with my ex who had ADHD. Very similar.

[Tarnished]

From someone who has gone through all of this I have a unique perspective on it all. When it comes to adultery it usually is a sign that something is wrong in the marriage. The greater blame falls on the sinner, which is right, but this does not mean that the spouse who was cheated on does not have things that they need fix as well. Very often you will hear that the spouse who was cheated on does not and should not have to change anything about themselves because they were the victim. Problem is, for the marriage to work change does need to happen on both sides. This was something that became very evident to my husband and me as I went through the repentance process.

Someone mentioned love languages, look into that and discuss it with your wife. If she says that talking makes her feel more loved then work out a way with her for her to feel comfortable opening up. Instead of getting upset with her over the house find ways to let go of those feelings of anger over the house. Watch the movie fireproof, or get the book that goes along with it "The Love Dare" and start doing the things in the book.

Now don't get me wrong, the greater part of effort really needs to come from her. The fact that this is the third time you have come across something showing that she has been unfaithful means that she didn't truly repent of it the last two times. If she truly wants to let go of her sin then she really needs to work at it. She really needs to focus on letting go of this desire she has for men other than you. The reason I recommended earlier that you read my story is because when I told my husband about the affiar he and I went on a long walk and he set down some requirements. The requirements were what I needed to do to prove to him that I was really serious about repenting and saving our marriage. When he posted them on these forum boards there were many people who thought he was going too far. But the truth is, he did exactly the right thing. An affair destroys trust in a marriage and for that marriage to work again that trust needs to be rebuilt. And to rebuild trust very often drastic measures need to be taken and the trust needs to be proven time and time again. Rebuilding trust is very hard, destroying it is often very easy.

My advice would be to sit down with your wife, discuss where you want to go from this point. Do you want to stay together? Is she willing to repent of her sin? Is she willing to let go of it forever? Is she willing to put forth the work needed to rebuild your trust and rebuild the marriage? Are you willing to put forth the work needed from you to rebuild the marriage? What do you need her to do that will help to rebuild your trust in her? Talk all these things through, and if you both decide to try to make this work and stay together make sure to support her. If she is serious and earnest in her intent to repent then it will be a hard and long road for her, she will need support from you for her to make it through to the end. You will need support as well. It is a long and difficult road ahead if you both decide to make it work. But if you both are earnest in it the end result is worth it. But you will both have to work very hard at it, because getting there is not easy.

[Connie]

Here's a link to the love languages that have been mentioned. There are 5 of them. From the website, they are:

1. Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

2. Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

3. Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

4. Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

5. Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Sounds like you are trying to love her with love language #3 and she is asking for #1. It's a really good book. Definitely one i'd recommend. Or the website might be enough for you. You can take a quiz to find out your love language and have your wife take one to find out hers. I was really surprised what my primary love language was, but it was so smack on.

Best wishes.

[John11111]

I know she is not bipolar im a nurse and I work specifically with alzhiemers dementia and other psych a few including bipolar disorder. Im pretty sure she suffers from depression though.

I have done some anger management and I dont yell all the time things pile up and after asking nicely or calmy several times about many differenent things every other week or so the dam just breaks usually over something stupid. I always feel horrible after and within 5-10 minutes, after I calm down I go to her and give her a hug and tell her sorry that I shouldnt have yelled and explain to her why i was upset, Thing is nothing ever changes.

It would take a long time to list all of the extra things I do for my wife, I give her backrubs and brush her hair spend time wih her etc. I dont do all these things all the time but I make an effort thats why I was so surprised to hear the things she said and dont understand how she could say what she did.

Like I said I know I am not perfect and I have issues and I am always working on them. There are several things I used to do that bugged my wife I have worked and stopped most of those things.

Ill make sure to pick up a copy of that book because im obviously missing something. Things just dont add up to me, I imagine that most wives would love to have even 1/2 of the things I do? I always hear at church or form work how these women wish there husbands would buy them flowers or take them shopping or get backrubs or bubble baths whatever. I know all women are different and want different things but it just feels hopeless seems like I have tried everything and nothing matters...

The things she asks me for just seem unreasonable. She wants always to move o a bigger house or to where she lived as a kid. All our family is here and I have a great job all our friends are here as well.

She wants to get a minimum wage job, I keep suggesting that I would pay for her to go back to school so she could do something she enjoys. I felt that would help build her confidece and help her have more of a social life make new friends etc? Somehow she took that as me saying Ididnt want to work anymore so was making her go to school so she could take over???!!!

ANyways thanks for al the support so far I still have a lot of questions unanswered and will probably be coming back a lot. My mind is running 1k mph and I cant think of everything.I look forward to pming some of you and having someone to talk to.

[Elphaba]

She wants to get a minimum wage job, I keep suggesting that I would pay for her to go back to school so she could do something she enjoys. I felt that would help build her confidece and help her have more of a social life make new friends etc? Somehow she took that as me saying Ididnt want to work anymore so was making her go to school so she could take over???!!!

I can see how she might take this as you being dismissive of her. If she really just wants to have a minimum wage job, your suggestions do imply that her wants are not good enough.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong. You're only human too, and speaking from experience, the betrayal of an affair is one of the most agonizing experiences a person can go through. It's just that this one comment took me aback. I think, overall, you're doing an incredible job in what has to be an extremely painful situation.

Elphaba

[jennvan]

It is always interesting to me that people in the church never think to seek professional help for themselves or their family when they are falling apart. Bishops are called to help us work through our sin but most of them are not trained in dealing with broken relationships.

I would highly recommend finding a good marriage therapist. Make sure they actually have training in marriage therapy and don't just do it as a default because so many people need help. A good resource to look at is American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and click on TherapistLocator.

Please hesitate in "self-diagnosing" your wife, there are all sorts of "trendy" diagnoses these days, including bipolar and ADHD. While there are many who have those disorders, please let a professional do the diagnosing.

Edited November 9, 2010 by jennvan
misspelling

[jennvan]

Here's a link to the love languages that have been mentioned. There are 5 of them. From the website, they are:

1. Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

2. Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

3. Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

4. Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

5. Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Sounds like you are trying to love her with love language #3 and she is asking for #1. It's a really good book. Definitely one i'd recommend. Or the website might be enough for you. You can take a quiz to find out your love language and have your wife take one to find out hers. I was really surprised what my primary love language was, but it was so smack on.

Best wishes.

This exact situation is why I really dislike people using the Love Languages. How do you know she is asking for #1? How do you know her love language isn't #3 which is what he was doing? The premise of love languages really only works with generally stable and secure relationships, it doesn't create stable or secure relationships. If you are insecurely attached to your spouse, nothing you "do" will ever be enough. If you want to do more reading on this topic I would HIGHLY recommend Susan Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight."

[MorningStar]

It doesn't sound like there is anything you can do to fix her. She has to make the decision to change just like an addict would. Doesn't matter how she feels - she is responsible for her own behavior. Yes, you can divorce someone and still forgive them. One of my pet peeves is when people are judged as not being as forgiving as someone who continues to take abuse their whole life. You have to protect yourself from harm. For her to hit rock bottom, you might consider a trial separation to show her you mean it - you're not going to take that behavior anymore.

As for her sending a mostly unclothed picture to another man - what a total cop-out that she felt pressured into it. Sounds like she's fooling herself into believing she's some kind of victim when she's not. Hate to say it, but you have to follow through with what you say you're going to do as if she were a child. If you make threats to leave and you don't, then she'll think she can continue to get away with it and tell herself it's because she has been wronged in some way.

[John11111]

SO i went out and bought all three of the listed books. I dunno why I guess it felt right? After I bought them I felt at peace after the last 5 days which have been really rough for me it was nice. I still have doubts now and the feeling of peace isnt as strong and doubts are creeping back but I cant forget about the feeling I had when I walked out of the store with those books.

Im still worried but I have somewhere to start, I guess I wanted someone to show me something I was blatantly doing wrong I guess I wanted a reason for what happened. Maybe if I had a good reason I would feel better and I could take some of the blame. We got a long way to go and im glad I have people here I can lean on for support.

[applepansy]

SO i went out and bought all three of the listed books. I dunno why I guess it felt right? After I bought them I felt at peace after the last 5 days which have been really rough for me it was nice. I still have doubts now and the feeling of peace isnt as strong and doubts are creeping back but I cant forget about the feeling I had when I walked out of the store with those books.

Im still worried but I have somewhere to start, I guess I wanted someone to show me something I was blatantly doing wrong I guess I wanted a reason for what happened. Maybe if I had a good reason I would feel better and I could take some of the blame. We got a long way to go and im glad I have people here I can lean on for support.

Its always a good feeling when we have a direction to go in....when we have as task to help with a problem. That feeling fades and we're back to reality.

I think its wonderful that you're willing to learn and change. Is your wife willing to learn and change also? You can't do all this in a bubble. You can't fix you or change into what you think she wants, especially if she's not involved in repairing the relationship. You cannot fix her.

Remember while reading these books to also read your scriptures. Pray. Pray with your wife. Go back to see your Bishop.

Good Luck,

applepansy

[John11111]

Well 1st day I found out she decided SHE wanted to stay. I told her I would like her to but it was her decision. Instead of going home with her mom she stayed at the house. To make sure it was her choice and her mom was not influencing her decision I waited till after my big work hours. I do 2 16 hour shifts one after the other. So I come sleep for 5 hours im basically gone for 38 hours.

When I got back I had got her a card and wrote her a note. Waited till my daughters were off to school. I sat on the bed and had gift bagged the books and hid them under the blanket. I told her I know its been 2 days now and that we have had lots of time to think about things on our own without the influence of each others presence.

I asked her if she still wanted to make the marriage work. I let her know that it was her decision and to make in based on her wants/ needs and not to worry about me. She said she wanted to work on it. I asked her what she was willing to do to gain my trust back I took Faded and Tarnished? Advice and made a list of suggestions of things I would like her to try to do.

I made sure she understood they were not demands only suggestions and whether or not she wanted to follow through with them was up to her. She agreed to everything so after we got over that I gave her the bag and had her read the card and everything.

Was very emotional we sat in bed together and read through the titles and what each book would be about and made an order in which to read them. We might do some back and forth but want to focus one just one.

We chose the His needs her needed, Mainly because I wanted to understand her better and why things had unfolded as they did. She wanted to understand herself better as well as me. I thought was a great choice within the 1st 2 chapters things made a TON of sense the book was almost word for word matching what had occured. I kept thinking that the whole thing was complicated and had to have deep rooted meanings/reasons but it was almost too simple. It would have been funny if the whole situation wasnt so sad hehe.

We saw the bishop tonight and he was gonna pray and ponder what steps to take next I explained to him we had already gone over the most likely courses that would occur, with a disciplinary counsel and what all that entails and I said I was willing to accept whatever happens and help my wife to move on.

So I can see light at the end of the tunnel and the light feels good. Its gonna still be a long walk through the darkness but without all the uncertainty and with the help of everyone here I think we will be ok.

To anyone who reads this in the future, I know it feels terrible and you are confused. Try not to make any rash decisions until some of the grief and confusion has lifted.

I know A LOT of the stories and responses on here might make things sound hopeless for you. Give it a little time and be open to the suggestions of others and dont focus too much on any single response.

-gonna edit op to include this some people dont go past the 1st page and I feel it may help others in the future-

[Tarnished]

It is good to hear that you both are willing to move forward with your marriage and are working to make changes together. Keep us up to date on how everything goes. We will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

[Gwen]

i'm glad you have a first step and feel better. the first step always comes with a high, it will fade (possibly crash), then it gets hard. if you know it's right don't give up. god bless.