Turning 8 and still wets the bed

[GeoRioux]

I have a son that is turning 8 this year and he still wets the bed. He does not have accidents while awake and he knows when he needs to go during those times.

We have tried waking him up at various times, at set times and to no avail we can not get him to go when we wake him up. It is like waking up a dead person, at times we have to yell his name and shake him to have him open his eyes and fight us tooth and nail.

A majority of the time he has already gone in the bed and it is extremely frustrating. We have tried rewarding him and everything else we can think of, so now we need some other advise.

He so wants to have/go to sleep overs with his buddies but he knows that he can not have that until he is night time potty trained.

Is there any advise out there that has worked for someone??

Thanks!

[Dr T]

Start by understanding that MANY children wet even into their adolscent years. Often time it just means he sleeps too hard and/or had a small bladder. Do your best to not shame him. There is something called a "bell and pad" that sounds when it gets wet to help wake him when it happens. You can also check him throughout the night and see if you can establish a consistent pattern of when he wets and then wake him a little before that time to go to the bathroom to train him to wake on his own and go to the bathroom before it happens. Lastly, it is very often a genetic issue. Many children that wet had a parent that took a long time to stop wetting the bed.

[prisonchaplain]

It's frustrating and frankly irritating...and the child has no desire to wet his bed. Patience is the only true answer. Heavy sleepers will not wake up in time. So, the answer is to wait until their bladder is mature and strong enough to hold it through the night. Dr. T. is right...sometimes it takes until adolescence. But, there is no sense in rewards or punishments, since it's biology that controls this, not willpower or discipline.

[Maureen]

I agree with Dr T and PC. Have you checked with your pediatrician?

M.

[Guest DeborahC]

My eldest son wet the bed until he was almost 13.

I took him to several pediatricians.

I took him to counseling

I was a single mother with 3 sons and was exhausted holding everything together.

I tried everything and in those days I was really ignorant. I even spanked, shamed, did all the wrong things.

His father was also a bed-wetter.

In the end, here is what I did.

I realized that no child that age WANTED to wet the bed.

So he wasn't doing it on purpose.

I decided to give the responsibility to HIM, instead of me, for cleaning up the mess.

First, nothing to drink after 7 pm.

I put a waterproof cover on the mattress.

I taught HIM to take the sheets off, wash them, and change the bed.

Then I left it alone.

He could change the sheets every night or sleep in stinky sheets.

I just closed the door.

He was 8 when I made this choice.

He continued to wet the bed until he was nearly 13, on and off.

He knew he could not spend the night at friend's houses.

He did have one friend he trusted who he'd sleep over with, wearing about 10 pairs of underwear. It was pretty funny.

He did eventually quit.

He is now a 39 year old surgical nurse with children of his own.

It will be fine.

It could be something much worse, like cancer.

Count your blessings, and give the responsibility of the clean up to him.

It's not his fault and he's not doing it on purpose.

But more than that...

It is NOT the end of the world.

That's my advice.

---------------------------

I wanted to add your son is probably just a sound sleeper and doesn't wake up until it's too late.

I laughed when I read that in your post because it stirred a memory of me when I was in my 30's and had gone out one night and left my house key at home. My eldest was babysitting -- it wasn't an issue in those days. I came in at 2 am and could not get in the house. I rang the doorbell, banged on the doors, yelled, banged on the bedroom windows. Every light in the neighborhood came on except my own. I thought I would NEVER wake those kids up! Finally, the smallest one came to the door. It was the last time I let my eldest babysit!

I so feel your pain and embarrassment and worry for him.. but honestly.. it will be ok.

Just get over feeling guilty about it and let it be.

It's not his fault.

He WILL grow out of it.

Help him by giving him the responsibility.

Good luck.

Edited January 8, 2011 by DeborahC
added on

[Suzie]

Did you check with your doctor? There are endless reasons your child could be wetting his bed from a physical medical condition to psychological ones as a result of traumatic event/s (that you may or not maybe aware of)

I would suggest checking both with his pediatrician and a child psychologist if the reason isn't physical.

All the best.

[NeuroTypical]

My girl is 9 going on 10. This year we finally found something that works - I get her up 40 minutes after she falls asleep and walk her to the toilet and back. After all this time, she's finally dry the next morning. Down to an accident every other month or so. Her pediatrician says it's part of her overall poor muscle tone, and will just eventually go away on it's own. Both wife and I had issues. Wife's went away eventually, mine was solved with that horrible conductive sheet hooked up to a loud buzzer.

the child has no desire to wet his bed.

...

I realized that no child that age WANTED to wet the bed.

So he wasn't doing it on purpose.

Well, it's more accurate to say that ALMOST no child does it on purpose. There are always tiny percentages of kids with mental issues. Most likely not your kid. And there are the outliers - kids who are being sexually molested at night by someone in the house - they'll sometimes soil their sheets on purpose as a defense mechanism. Again, most likely not your kid.

[Bini]

I don't have children but I found everyone's posts very insightful on this. I also agree with what has been said. And, LM, never thought of it that way but wetting the bed does make sense as a defense mechanism.

[Gwen]

i agree with everyone else so not much i can say but i'm saying it anyway.

first thing... please please please don't call it "night time potty trained" to him. that is horrid. potty training is for "babies". you degrade him when you call it and see it that way. he is potty trained. this is not uncommon at all. from what i understand it's more common in boys. the whole sleeping soundly, body growing very quickly at that age and the bladder hasn't caught up yet sums it up. i suggest you do everything you can to make this as non traumatic as possible for him. get some of the night time underwear for bed wetters. there may be some in the kid department or you may be able to find some small for light bladder issues adult ones he could wear just at night. if he would like them, that may be a good way to let him go to friends homes and such without all the fear. take the shame out of it and give him the control/power. let him change his sheets, don't do it as a punishment, he doesn't need a lecture from you. let him know you respect his privacy, he's old enough to operate the washing machine. him being able to change the sheets without you or siblings "knowing" might help him. the stress you put on him will make it worse. i can't count the number of stories i've heard about boys that wet the bed and the parents terrorized them for it and even after they had grown enough that it should have stopped the stress kept it going. it wasn't till something changed, the stress was relieved that they finally stopped. don't turn a physical issue into an emotional one, it's not worth it.

[Bini]

don't turn a physical issue into an emotional one, it's not worth it.

Well said, Gwen. I think it's good to note that often times emotional issues manifest into physical issues as well. But I think that's been touched on already.. Wetting the bed could be a result of an emotional/mental trauma.

[Dr T]

Medications (like some antidepressants) are very helpful to keep they dry. However, once the medication is stops the wetting returns. I wanted you to be aware of that option.

[Iggy]

I wet the bed until I was nearly 13- happened every summer. I also wet myself during the day at least once.

During the day I was too preoccupied with what was going on around me- in other words- playing, to stop and go to the bathroom when I had to. I waited until it was too late.

At night I wet the bed because I was sleeping too deep - my brain didn't hear and heed the trigger from my bladder. To save the mattress, Mom put old towels under me. She also got me up out of bed, walked me to the bathroom, sat me on the throne and waited, and waited, and waited. Nothing. Then she dripped cold water down my backside. That did the trick.

She wasn't able to do this every night though- she had three other smaller children plus my three older siblings to care for, plus the house chores.

I wasn't allowed to drink ANYTHING after dinner either - which did help.

I agree with allowing your son to clean up after himself, privately, and for goodness sakes don't talk about this with friends or relatives. He doesn't need the added shame. Mom helped me launder my sheets and blanket- we didn't have enough sheets to toss a set in the laundry and not wash it right away- and we didn't have an electric dryer- so the offending sheet & blanket was on display in the back yard!

My older sister got spanked for snickering and informing the aunts and uncles of my bed wetting. Her being punished was small price for the utter shame I felt. I didn't want to wet the bed, I absolutely dreaded waking up- never knew if I would be wet or dry. And to this day, I detest the smell of urine.

Get him to a Pediatrician too. And give him and the Dr private time so your son can confidentially talk and be open with the Dr. He could be having issues at school that he feels he can't talk to you about. Peer pressure seems to over ride parental care and love.

From 14 years on I wake up at least once during the night to go to the bathroom- I know I am awake, I know what I am doing, yet I never wake up enough to not be able to go back to sleep afterwords.

Since menopause, I get up two to four times a night. Sometimes I sleep through the night, but there had better not be any distractions or obstacles on the way to the bathroom! Thank heavens we have two bathrooms now!!!

[Gwen]

i'm not going to say what is right for each individual because everyone is different. i don't know how much this is stressing the kid or if it's the parents stress that's stressing him or what the details of the situation are.

personally, once you rule out illness or abuse, i don't see a need for all the fuss with alarms, and disturbing his sleep, meds, etc for this. let him grow up. it's no big deal. what is more important a healthy child or "clean" sheets? teach him to deal with the trials of life with dignity and grace. be proactive. he's not broken. we will all hit a point when our bodies do things we don't want it to do. you deal with it, with discretion and dignity. that's what everyone deserves.

when i was in high school (about 17) my nephew (about 6) came to stay with us for the summer. he traded places with my sister so he took her bed (we didn't have an extra room) so we shared a room. if he didn't remember to pee before going to bed he would wet the bed every time. at first he hid it from me and we had a big dramatic scene at night when the sheets were dirty (we didn't have extra sheets). my dad wasn't a very compassionate man so i took responsibility for him. i gave him his dignity back, instead of fussing at him and making him feel worse for something that obviously bothered him i helped him come up with the solution. i took him to the store, he picked out a mattress protector, i helped him put it on, i taught him how to use the washer and told him he could ask me for help at any time, no questions asked. when he had an accident he didn't have to tell me, just came to me and said "can you help me wash my sheets?" i didn't ask or fuss, just said yes and we did it, when they were clean i helped him remake his bed. it was no big deal. to see the change in his stress level and his self confidence from the first week when he was scared and being yelled at to the 3rd when i made it no big deal was amazing. 2nd week was transition and learning curve. lol we had the best summer.

[GeoRioux]

I want to thank you all for the great advise. Sometimes we just forget that you need to let them be who they are and not punish or yell at them for something that they may not actually be able to control themselves.

My son does suffer from ADHD and is on medications but the medications have been recent and he has been wetting the bed for as long as we can remember. There are times that he does not have a wet bed and we are excited and show our appreciation. Now we just have to sit back and bite our lips when he does have an accident. Maybe seeing that he gets way more attention (positive) when he stays dry may have an effect on him.

I do like the idea of having him clean his own sheets and wet clothes when it happens. Normally he just takes off wet clothes and puts them in hamper, so now the room and other clothes smell like urine. So will see if we can start him on this to give him the responsibility of it.

Again thanks for the great ideas and comments, will keep you all informed on the progress.

[MorningStar]

My son is 11 and he is still wetting the bed. I feel bad for him because his younger brothers were holding it through the night before he was when they were 3. Here he is wearing "Good Nights" to bed still and having maybe a couple dry nights per week. His doctor thinks he is just a deep sleeper and will eventually outgrow it. I have also given him the responsibility of changing his own bedding because it's common for the Good Nights to leak. We tried having him just wet the bed every night, but that carried on for months. My husband kept thinking that he would just get fed up and stop doing it. I said, "No, it's not a behavioral issue. He physically cannot hold it at night." Plus he's not the one who had to deal with it every single morning. I was.

I am learning more and more that even some grown men still wet the bed. A relative of mine blurted out that her husband does once in a while and when another relative was visiting, he ended up wetting the guest bed. Very embarrassing for him. I hear that can be a sign of sleep apnea. A friend of mine, her son stopped wetting the bed after he had his tonsils and adenoids removed. His difficulty breathing affected his sleep and he stopped wetting the bed when he was able to breathe well.

It is really frustrating, but important for our sons to remember that we treated them well during such an embarrassing time. My mom pointed out to me that Michael Landon went public with his problem because his parents tried humiliating him to get him to stop. I think he said they hung his sheets out in front of the neighborhood.

I do have a deal with my son that if he doesn't throw his Good Nights away (leaves them on the floor), I won't buy them for x amount of time. He will just have to deal with wetting the bed. The most frustrating thing is that his mattress protector will rip and I don't know right away, so he starts peeing all over the mattress. It's better to invest in a durable protector.