A Moral Question

[Jennarator]

My Ex is joining the millitary. Side from the fact that I am going to finally start getting child support, I cannot feel good about it.

He has some majot emotional and hpycological issues. He will and has lied to try to get in. They might let him in, as he is doing the physical and such today and tommorrow.

Here's my question:

Do I let him lie, and hope the millitary figures out he has issues, or do I call and tell the recuiter? I know it is sorta none of my business anymore, as we are not married, however, is it morally my place to tell someone? As of now I am staying out of it, but I feel since he will be trained with a gun, and our lives might be in his hand (to an extent) I think they ought to know about the major, very major issues he has.

[Backroads]

The military is pretty darn scrutinous about finding problems with their recruits; however, it might be in everyone's best interest to inform his recruiter.

[mightynancy]

If there's no medical or law enforcement paper trail, I'd be more inclined to let the military know what to look for. If there's a paper trail, I imagine they'd find it (but a headsup may be in order anyway).

What a tough spot to be in.

[The_Phoenix]

If there's no medical or law enforcement paper trail, I'd be more inclined to let the military know what to look for. If there's a paper trail, I imagine they'd find it (but a headsup may be in order anyway).

What a tough spot to be in.

I agree.

[Gwen]

if you have no evidence of it to share with them it could likely get passed off as a disgruntled ex trying to mess up his life. not saying you shouldn't say something if that's what you feel you should do just be prepared to not take it personally if/when you are dismissed as not the best of sources.

[Jennarator]

I wouldn't take it personal if they dismiss it. I could see that happening. But if they do dismiss it, I did the right thing and I still get child support. That guy owes me over 10 grand. But if he makes it in the millitary, I doubthe will be in there long enough to pay it off. I just hope he doesn't hurt anyone, including himself, while there.

[rameumptom]

I was Air Force for 20 years. I would suggest you stay out of it. The military will determine if he has any issues. Often, basic training can help a person overcome many of the issues they have, through teaching honesty, discipline, etc. If that is the case, then many of the problems you now experience could quickly go away.

Allow your Ex to make the best of his life. If he succeeds, then good for him. If he fails, then it is because of his own issues, and not because you tossed a wrench into the mix.

[FunkyTown]

I agree with Ram. Robbing him of the opportunity to become the man he could be isn't helpful. It's more spiteful.

Of course, only you know whether or not what you're doing is motivated by love or spite. If you think, "You know what I want? I want my ex to have a happy life: To be successful and needed." and you're filled with a warm glow, then you're on the right track.

Me, I'd be angry if I was in your shoes. Because of that, I'd need to try hard not to try to sabotage the person who I was so angry with.

[Guest saintish]

If he does make it in the military you will definitely get your child support, they will make sure of it.

[g8trjasonb]

Stay out of it. Its not your problem. Let the military either weed him out or help make him a better person.

[Jennarator]

I agree with Ram. Robbing him of the opportunity to become the man he could be isn't helpful. It's more spiteful.

Of course, only you know whether or not what you're doing is motivated by love or spite. If you think, "You know what I want? I want my ex to have a happy life: To be successful and needed." and you're filled with a warm glow, then you're on the right track.

Me, I'd be angry if I was in your shoes. Because of that, I'd need to try hard not to try to sabotage the person who I was so angry with.

Sabotoge is not at all my motive. In fact, I would like to see him succeed, so that he can be a better example to his kids.

I suppose I should leave it.....hopefully the pych. eval they give him will yeild honest results.

[slamjet]

It seems to me that your responsibility ends with him being the father of your children. Beyond that, you're mothering him and that's not healthy. He's an adult, he'll have to make his own way in life.

I know it's difficult, but it's necessary. My ex refused to give me much advice because she refused to mother me. I finally had to grow up. Now, mothering is not an issue.

[Jennarator]

It seems to me that your responsibility ends with him being the father of your children. Beyond that, you're mothering him and that's not healthy. He's an adult, he'll have to make his own way in life.

I know it's difficult, but it's necessary. My ex refused to give me much advice because she refused to mother me. I finally had to grow up. Now, mothering is not an issue.

I would not say I am mothering him, I gave that up when we divorced. I only asked the question as an honest moral question. I was concerned that he would get in by lieing, and cause harm. He did tell me he intened to lie to get in, I didn't say a word about it.

[slamjet]

I would not say I am mothering him, I gave that up when we divorced. I only asked the question as an honest moral question. I was concerned that he would get in by lieing, and cause harm. He did tell me he intened to lie to get in, I didn't say a word about it.

gotcha.

[MorningStar]

That's a tough situation. If he hurts somebody, then you will feel responsible knowing you might have been able to prevent it. But, I think basic training does a good job weeding out those with major problems.

[Guest]

That's a tough situation. If he hurts somebody, then you will feel responsible knowing you might have been able to prevent it. But, I think basic training does a good job weeding out those with major problems.

Not necessarily. If he hurts somebody, it is 100% the responsibility of the United States Armed Forces.

[Jennarator]

It might be 100% the US armed forces' fault, but MorningStar is right, I would FEEL responsible.

[Guest]

It might be 100% the US armed forces' fault, but MorningStar is right, I would FEEL responsible.

Sure. But it's a misplaced sentiment. Meaning - it's not something you should be feeling, therefore, it doesn't make it your responsibility. Therefore, in my opinion, you have to deal with your feeling of "responsibility" separate from the issue at hand.

This is in the same vein as a wife whose husband cheated on her with a married woman. Yes, the wife might feel it is her responsibility to tell the woman's husband his wife is cheating on him but it is a misplaced sentiment. It is not her responsibility, it is the responsibility of the married woman.

Make sense?

[Wingnut]

What a person should or shouldn't feel isn't for anyone else to say, nor does it take away from what a person is actually feeling.

[Guest]

What a person should or shouldn't feel isn't for anyone else to say, nor does it take away from what a person is actually feeling.

This is very correct.

I mis-stated in my post.

What I mean to say is - the feeling of being responsible doesn't validate the action of taking responsibility.

Does that make sense?

[Jennarator]

This is very correct.

I mis-stated in my post.

What I mean to say is - the feeling of being responsible doesn't validate the action of taking responsibility.

Does that make sense?

Makes sense, thanks.

I do feel overly guilty, a lot! My husband says so.

I need to get over some of that.

[Corvus]

Depending on what MOS (Military Occupational Specialty) he gets, he may need a security clearance. At that point, the government WILL be talking to you. The investigator will ask you a lot of questions. You'll have the opportunity to voice your concerns if that happens. Just be honest (and try not to sound vindictive).

You'd be amazed at what going through boot camp can do to someone though. Before I joined, I was a 21 year old alcoholic, shiftless, college drop-out. Now I'm a 30-something, slightly less alcoholic, gainfully employed husband and college student.

[jayanna]

Don't they give the MMPI before giving them a weapon?

That test nailed my ex...I was very impressed. The psyche doing the eval said,"This man should not be allowed to own or carry a firearm at any time."

He wasn't even angry or nervous when he got the test, just a regular day.

[Corvus]

Honestly, I don't ever remember taking a psych evaluation my entire time in the service. Maybe I didn't exhibit any of the signs that might have indicated I needed one. Guess I'm good at hiding it.

[Family_Man]

I was Air Force for 20 years. I would suggest you stay out of it. The military will determine if he has any issues. Often, basic training can help a person overcome many of the issues they have, through teaching honesty, discipline, etc. If that is the case, then many of the problems you now experience could quickly go away.

Allow your Ex to make the best of his life. If he succeeds, then good for him. If he fails, then it is because of his own issues, and not because you tossed a wrench into the mix.

Is the Air Force REALLY the same as the rest of the Armed Forces? What with the "substandard living pay" your folks get when they have to stay on one of our bases:eek:

Not necessarily. If he hurts somebody, it is 100% the responsibility of the United States Armed Forces.

Wow. That is like saying if a person who attended BYU kills someone, it would be BYU's fault. Just because you WORK for an organization doesn't mean the organization is responsible for your behavior. Rather, you should be responsible for your own actions.

Don't they give the MMPI before giving them a weapon?

That test nailed my ex...I was very impressed. The psyche doing the eval said,"This man should not be allowed to own or carry a firearm at any time."

He wasn't even angry or nervous when he got the test, just a regular day.

We do not get psych tests before getting weapons. These days they hand you a weapon day 2 of Basic, and you keep it with you for the next 11 weeks. As for lying to get in, most recruiters will coach a person on what to say and what to not say. It is all a matter of perspective to them. Of course, with the down economy and budget cuts, the standards are getting harder to pass and the pool of applicants is getting larger.