Wife might be cheating, how should I feel about this?

[dclaw]

I will try to be as brief as possible here. I am not sure how to feel about this situation, and would like others advice on how they would feel if they were in my position.

Let me preface this by saying that my wife is a convert, she joined the church before we got married, and she is not really that active. She goes to Sacrament occassionally with me, and sometimes to RS, but otherwise has no interest in religion at all (Not just our religion, but ANY religion)

My wife and I got in a couple of arguments over the period of a few days. I said some things that really hurt her feelings, so she was very angry at me. As a result, she decided to take a weekend trip by herself to New York, a state that she has never been to, does not know anyone there, etc.

She said the purpose of the trip was to "do something for herself that she has always wanted to do" (i.e., see NYC) and spend a few days away from me to get some space.

I personally think that its absolutely weird, and unacceptable for my wife to just take off by herself for a weekend vacation in a giant city she has never been to, especially when the main purpose is just to get some space from me.

It would be one thing if she was going to visit family, friends, or going with a group of her girlfriends. I would completely understand that situation, but the fact that she went by herself just wierds me out for some reason.

So anyways, I did not really say anything other than "fine, have a nice time, see you when you get back".

However, while she was gone the whole thing felt wrong, and I started thinking thoughts such as "maybe she is cheating on me and she is going to NYC to meet some guy she met online or from her past or something".

So I just randomly thought about one of her ex boy friends (that she was totally in love with before me) and decided to "Google" him. Well, lo and behold one of his social networking sites that he belongs to was literally the first thing that showed up in the search results, and yep you guessed it, he now lives in NYC!!!!

When she returned from NYC I didnt say anything about it, and she didnt really talk about her trip at all.

However, when she got back from the airport she was tired so she went straight to bed and kind of just left her suitcase in the bathroom open with all her clothes still in it. I looked down at her suitcase and I saw two "sexy" Victorias Secret type panties in her suitcase. Like I said she is not that active, no temple recommend, we were not married in the temple, she does not wear garments. But she NEVER wears panties like that, she usually just wears regular "cotton" type panties. The ones I saw in her suitcase were lace, thong type panties.

Right then my heart sank.

Im thinking, she went to NYC by herself, with promiscuous underwear, to visit an ex boyfriend. Well it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out that those three things combined make it very suspicious.

So, I confronted her about the panties and she claimed she had no idea how the even got in there!!! Ummm OK? right?

She also claimed she did not meet up with that guy or anyone else, and has no desire to ever cheat on me or anything like that, but that she just needed time away from me, and wanted to do something fun that she had been wanting to do for a long time.

I pressed her on the issue of the ex boyfriend now living in NYC, and she admitted that he had called her last summer a couple of times just to see how she was doing during some hard times she had (We had almost gotten divorced last summer). She said the her ex boyfriend was engaged to one of her old friends, and that after talking to her old friend about how upset she was about our potential divorce that never happened, he called her a couple of times to just lift her spirits.

This really bothers me too, I dont think its appropriate for a married woman to be speaking to ex boyfriends. She doesnt see a problem with it and thinks its OK.

So how would you feel about all of this if it happened to you?

1. How would you feel about your wife going to a city she has never been to by herself because she is mad at you and wants to get away for a weekend?

2. How would you feel about finding that type of underwear?

3. How would you feel about her ex boyfriend calling her?

4. Do you think the combination of all of the above is obvious evidence that she is not to be trusted, and that something might be going on?

[Lost_one]

When I was married, my wife used to always be "finding proof" that I was cheating. I went to visit a family I knew in the US and as a joke, knowing what my wife was like, they put a pair of panties in my case. They thought I would find them, get a laugh and throw them away, But my wife broke into the case and found them first. At first I thought she was trying to trick me into admitting to something, so said exactly what your wife said about the Victoria Secret undies. Even I accept that, that looked bad, But I was innocent.

My ex-wife used to have to take lots of trips with male work colleagues. I learnt very quickly that I had to trust her or I was going to go insane. Even when I found something suspicious, I would always give her the benefit of the doubt. She was my wife and trust in marriage is very important. I accept that she couldn't do the same for me, But I'm not her and only have control over me.

I will say the same thing to you, that I said to my wife. Trust and respect are part of love so completely, that if you do not have trust and respect, then you don't have love. And one last thing. Time spent away from our partners is healthy. It's supposed to make the heart grow fonder, although some lose that opportunity by not trusting.

[grandshahi]

1. How would you feel about your wife going to a city she has never been to by herself because she is mad at you and wants to get away for a weekend?

Personally, I wouldn't really care. I would have given her the opportunity to do so. Is it possible that she was going to see her good friend and her ex? Since she said her friend was engaged to her ex. I'm just sayin.

2. How would you feel about finding that type of underwear?

Given that she isn't endowed (or doesn't wear garments, which wasn't really clear) I wouldn't care. There is a possibility that she was wearing them to show them off when she bent over, maybe she wanted them to wear for you. Your confrontation could have ruined her plans.

3. How would you feel about her ex boyfriend calling her?

If he was encouraging her to stay married, and that he hoped she was happy, then fine. It really depends on the content. If he was grooming her for sex, then I would not be happy. This is a communication problem between you and your wife.

4. Do you think the combination of all of the above is obvious evidence that she is not to be trusted, and that something might be going on?

What you have is evidence (if you want a divorce) or coincidences. You need to communicate about this stuff with her. Don't put her on the defense. Of course she will say no if you ask her outright. Explain your true feelings, your fears, etc. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable, because you really are. You are afraid. You need to accept that feeling. Not trusting somebody has to do with your anxieties about the possibility that she is having sex with somebody else. Accept that you feel that way and it is normal to fear that. Be vulnerable, be scared, and communicate that with her. Tell her that you love her and that you are committed to making things better regardless (if you really are committed). You could possibly admit something you did wrong, like a brush with porn (which most men have intentionally found) or masturbation or checking out a girl, or whatever.

If she had sex with somebody, you should decide right now if that is a deal breaker or a something that you would be committed to accept. I know of many people who have gone through that (mostly women) and come out stronger.

These things are just my opinion. I am not a counselor or professional psychologist.

[Gloriag]

I completely thinks that she is cheating. Why is she denying the whole situation and burst into flames when comfronted??

[Jennarator]

Sounds fishy to me. I wouldn't trust her. But perhaps having a conversation about your relationship, not a fight, no accusations, just a good conversation might help both of you know where you stand. She might open up and tell you how she really feels. Don't do this when other things are on your mind. Take her out or something.....

[UrbanFool]

The tone of your post is coming off holier-than-thou. Although I would not go to the big city myself, I would certainly go with a friend. I know lots of people who would do that alone though. And I don't bother with fancy underwear, but again that's just me. I know a lot of women who just like to have something special on under their regular clothes. It makes them feel more feminine.

I recommend you guys go to counseling. Neither of you are temple ready, but you're asking an anonymous Mormon forum for moral advice? None of us knows your wife, and you seem to just want a bunch of people to agree with you. You need to figure out that line where the deal is broken, and work on yourself.

You've obviously had a rocky marriage, so maybe you should work at being a good and decent husband, and chances are she'll follow. Right now you're looking for things to blame on her (which you are going to find), and a bunch of strangers to agree with you that your wife is behaving inappropriately based on information you've posted and slanted in your direction.

They say that if you look for the bad, you'll find it. I used to work and travel with firefighters. I did nothing inappropriate, but my husband could have had a field day if he decided he wasn't going to trust me. (key word is "decided".) You aren't in a good place right now, but I think you have some cleaning up to do on your side of the street before you put this much energy into your wife's.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I'd be concerned about it. The fact that she said she didn't now how the Victoria's Secret apparel got into her suitcase is fishy... Did it just walk there? Are we witnessing new Darwinian evolution in underwear, evolution from lifeless immobility to walking? It's almost an admission of guilt -- as if she thinks it has blown her cover, so she has to deny how they ever got there in the first place -- a weak argument.

Going away for a while weekend to a strange city alone? Again, fishy. My wife went away to New York, but she always had a friend with her when she went. Contacting old boyfriends isn't appropriate, and the fact that she didn't tell you he phoned her a long time ago is fishy. I wonder if he phoned her, or did she phone him, particularly if it coincided with your marital troubles? My wife and I were always open about contacts from previous love interests if we happened to see them or they made an effort to contact us.

I also know that when you are on the brink of divorce, or miserable in your marriage, there is a strong urge to contact "the one that got away" -- ex love-interests to fill the void.

However, recognize that you don't really know. And if she won't tell you the truth in a convincing way...well, that's tough. I would keep my ears and eyes open without being accusing. If you still feel committed to your marriage, then I wouldn't hasten its demise by being jealous and controlling. You need more evidence, unfortunately, to know for sure, but this sounds REALLY fishy to me.

Edited April 13, 2011 by mormonmusic

[Jennarator]

The thing is, if she is going away, or wearing underwear she doesn't normally wear, that is fishy. She is contacting old boyfriends, and not telling her husband, even if the old boyfriend called her, she should at least have mentioned it, before.

Maybe the husbands has things to work on, but that is no excuse for her behavior.

Weather or not she really did cheat, she is leaning that way. She might slip up if she is not completely honest with her husband.

I think the two need to really talk. A long talk, get some things out. Perhaps there are things both need to work on.

Bottom line, no matter what he needs to work on, he didn't make her cheat, or look like she is cheating. There is no excuse for that. If he is a bad husband, she should have divorced first. But we don't know if he is a bad husband or not.....but she still should not have been talking to an ex, and visiting a city where he lives. She should have mentioned him, long before. And the fact that she didn't mention it, sounds fishy.

[dclaw]

The thing is, if she is going away, or wearing underwear she doesn't normally wear, that is fishy. She is contacting old boyfriends, and not telling her husband, even if the old boyfriend called her, she should at least have mentioned it, before.

Maybe the husbands has things to work on, but that is no excuse for her behavior.

Weather or not she really did cheat, she is leaning that way. She might slip up if she is not completely honest with her husband.

I think the two need to really talk. A long talk, get some things out. Perhaps there are things both need to work on.

Bottom line, no matter what he needs to work on, he didn't make her cheat, or look like she is cheating. There is no excuse for that. If he is a bad husband, she should have divorced first. But we don't know if he is a bad husband or not.....but she still should not have been talking to an ex, and visiting a city where he lives. She should have mentioned him, long before. And the fact that she didn't mention it, sounds fishy.

I have been a good husband to her. I have never cheated on her or anything.

We have talked about ALL of this, and she completely denies everything. I know is all circumstantial evidence, but it cumulative effect is pretty fishy in my opinion.

If she actually cheated on me, I would divorce her in one second flat. I would never tolerate that and would end the marriage immediately.

I love her, but not enought to put up with an affair.

[AGStacker]

Apparently many people responding don't ACTUALLY read the entire post. This is his wife and yes it is very strange for her to want to leave by herself! Running away from fights or problems isn't a good idea nor is it mature. He also said that she NEVER wears underwear like that. I would be suspicious for sure.

Honestly, I would look at a recent credit card or bank statement to see if she just recently purchased them. It isn't normal for someone to travel alone like your wife did.

As for her not being interested in the Church, well that's another story and a bummer.

[ryanh]

I have been a good husband to her. I have never cheated on her or anything.

The absence of grand offenses does not equal being a "good" spouse. I dare say that in the majority of affair situations, the cheated on spouse has a major role in the cheating spouse's motivation to do so. Usually (and there most certainly are exceptions) an affair is started because of unmet needs - and those needs are being unmet by the cheated on spouse.

Go read Dr. Harley's His Need, Her Needs - How to affair proof your marriage. He will explain better what I am getting at. That if she did indeed cheat on you, it is highly likely you had a large part in her decision to do so.

[Jennarator]

She might not admit it because she knows it will end the marrige.

When you talk about it, is it in an accusing way, or is it a nice honset conversation out of care and love?

[myalternate]

Bottom line. Did she or did she not? You have to decide can I stay with her if she did and can I stay with her if she lied? If the answer is yes to both then you need to do whatever you can to make her want to be with you. You are probably a good person but the only way you will change her and perhaps persuade her to be more honeset is by changing yourself. Also, find ways to serve her more even if you feel she doesn't deserve it. It will break her down and her heart will soften. Let her know that if she falls you will be there and that you are willing to forgive her. I was told recently that trust is not earned but given. You will have to give her your trust even if she betray's it. That is what the Savior does for us time and time again. Good luck. And bless you for trying.

[Gatekeeper]

I will try to be as brief as possible here. I am not sure how to feel about this situation, and would like others advice on how they would feel if they were in my position.

Let me preface this by saying that my wife is a convert, she joined the church before we got married, and she is not really that active. She goes to Sacrament occassionally with me, and sometimes to RS, but otherwise has no interest in religion at all (Not just our religion, but ANY religion)

My wife and I got in a couple of arguments over the period of a few days. I said some things that really hurt her feelings, so she was very angry at me. As a result, she decided to take a weekend trip by herself to New York, a state that she has never been to, does not know anyone there, etc.

She said the purpose of the trip was to "do something for herself that she has always wanted to do" (i.e., see NYC) and spend a few days away from me to get some space.

I personally think that its absolutely weird, and unacceptable for my wife to just take off by herself for a weekend vacation in a giant city she has never been to, especially when the main purpose is just to get some space from me.

It would be one thing if she was going to visit family, friends, or going with a group of her girlfriends. I would completely understand that situation, but the fact that she went by herself just wierds me out for some reason.

So anyways, I did not really say anything other than "fine, have a nice time, see you when you get back".

However, while she was gone the whole thing felt wrong, and I started thinking thoughts such as "maybe she is cheating on me and she is going to NYC to meet some guy she met online or from her past or something".

So I just randomly thought about one of her ex boy friends (that she was totally in love with before me) and decided to "Google" him. Well, lo and behold one of his social networking sites that he belongs to was literally the first thing that showed up in the search results, and yep you guessed it, he now lives in NYC!!!!

When she returned from NYC I didnt say anything about it, and she didnt really talk about her trip at all.

However, when she got back from the airport she was tired so she went straight to bed and kind of just left her suitcase in the bathroom open with all her clothes still in it. I looked down at her suitcase and I saw two "sexy" Victorias Secret type panties in her suitcase. Like I said she is not that active, no temple recommend, we were not married in the temple, she does not wear garments. But she NEVER wears panties like that, she usually just wears regular "cotton" type panties. The ones I saw in her suitcase were lace, thong type panties.

Right then my heart sank.

Im thinking, she went to NYC by herself, with promiscuous underwear, to visit an ex boyfriend. Well it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out that those three things combined make it very suspicious.

So, I confronted her about the panties and she claimed she had no idea how the even got in there!!! Ummm OK? right?

She also claimed she did not meet up with that guy or anyone else, and has no desire to ever cheat on me or anything like that, but that she just needed time away from me, and wanted to do something fun that she had been wanting to do for a long time.

I pressed her on the issue of the ex boyfriend now living in NYC, and she admitted that he had called her last summer a couple of times just to see how she was doing during some hard times she had (We had almost gotten divorced last summer). She said the her ex boyfriend was engaged to one of her old friends, and that after talking to her old friend about how upset she was about our potential divorce that never happened, he called her a couple of times to just lift her spirits.

This really bothers me too, I dont think its appropriate for a married woman to be speaking to ex boyfriends. She doesnt see a problem with it and thinks its OK.

So how would you feel about all of this if it happened to you?

1. How would you feel about your wife going to a city she has never been to by herself because she is mad at you and wants to get away for a weekend?

2. How would you feel about finding that type of underwear?

3. How would you feel about her ex boyfriend calling her?

4. Do you think the combination of all of the above is obvious evidence that she is not to be trusted, and that something might be going on?

You have some nerve coming here to ask others to help you assume your wife is cheating on you. Grow up! I would personally run to hell for a few days just to get away from your insecurities. Come back when you KNOW she has cheated. At at this point, I can't blame her if she did. You have got to be kidding............

[ryanh]

You have some nerve coming here to ask others to help you assume your wife is cheating on you. Grow up! I would personally run to hell for a few days just to get away from your insecurities. Come back when you KNOW she has cheated. At at this point, I can't blame her if she did. You have got to be kidding............

Wow. That was . . . well . . . impressive, but not in a good way. Is this a sensitve hot-button issue for you? Sure seemed to have struck some sort of nerve!

[findingmyway]

You have some nerve coming here to ask others to help you assume your wife is cheating on you. Grow up! I would personally run to hell for a few days just to get away from your insecurities. Come back when you KNOW she has cheated. At at this point, I can't blame her if she did. You have got to be kidding............

I think you need to tone it down a little and i'm saying this in a calm manner. I could imagine an angry wife yelling this to her husband. I agree with you on the fact that we dont and we will never know if she is cheating. Its not our job to find out. However this is an advice board. Its his responsibility to find out and figure out what is happening. The advice we offer, is just it.... but I dont think you should belittle this man and call him insecure and say he deserved this, and he is to blame, and I dont think he is kidding.....

DC..... It kills you because you keep assuming. The thought of your wife cheating on you is something hard to bare and I can see how it can drive one crazy. Keep praying, look forward, and keep working on yourself. Things will come out eventually if she did. But if she didnt, and if you are insecure, it will drive you mad and also her away. Be the best person you can be.... take her out and continue to love her. Turn all this arguments and fights around.... let it go for a bit. You will know if she did cheat or not.

[Backroads]

I would chalk all of it up to insecurities until the panties. If they were for her (or you) she would have not become so defensive. That's what makes me ponder.

[Gatekeeper]

Wow. That was . . . well . . . impressive, but not in a good way. Is this a sensitve hot-button issue for you? Sure seemed to have struck some sort of nerve!

I can do better. You obviously know this by now. I am overwhelmed at present. I usually work with others personal problems professionally. I came here expecting something spiritually different. Please allow me to take a closer look at the matter. Maybe I can help. :)

[pam]

I can do better. You obviously know this by now. I am overwhelmed at present. I usually work with others personal problems professionally. I came here expecting something spiritually different. Please allow me to take a closer look at the matter. Maybe I can help. :)

I certainly hope that you don't jump down those that you work with professionally as you did with this particular poster. Wow.

[MorningStar]

Huh. I wasn't sure until she claimed she didn't know how they got there, which sounds like she is hiding something and isn't very good at lying on her feet. If she were quick, she would have said that she bought them to wear for you. My response would have been, "How did the underwear magically land in your luggage? Was it a TSA agent playing a joke on you?"

[Gatekeeper]

You say that your wife might be cheating? And how should you feel about this? Well, unless you can prove it beyond a shadow of doubt that she is cheating, you should feel paranoid (see a doctor). Even the United States government recognizes that a person is considered innocent until proven guilty. Hire a private investigator. If she is cheating, seek skilled help.

[dclaw]

You say that your wife might be cheating? And how should you feel about this? Well, unless you can prove it beyond a shadow of doubt that she is cheating, you should feel paranoid (see a doctor). Even the United States government recognizes that a person is considered innocent until proven guilty. Hire a private investigator. If she is cheating, seek skilled help.

I guess my question really is: What should I do about it????

The bottom line is that I do not trust her now.

Would you stay married to a woman who you thought actually cheated on you, or who you thought even COULD be the type of person that would cheat on you??

Im reasonably young (33) and Im not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman who I dont trust.

So if a woman:

1. Goes to a city shes never been to before by herself for the weekend, where the only person she could possibly know out there is an ex boyfriend (non member of the Church)

2. Lies about panties in the luggage she took with her on her trip

3. Admits that she had been talking to this same ex boyfriend last summer when the two of you got in an argument.

Would this be grounds enough for you to divorce her?

We have only been married 4 years, no kids.

[Backroads]

Whether she were cheating or not, yeah, you're experiencing problems with the relationship. Trust is a must.

On the other hand, I must say I would have trouble staying married to someone who thought I was cheating and I wasn't.

[dclaw]

One more thing...

I know that my Wife will never be active in the Church.

I would like a Temple marriage, and to raise my children (when I have them) in the Church.

My Wife will never have a testimony, because she simply does not care to. She has never read the Book of Mormon, and has no desire to. She was raised in a foreign country during a time when religion was frowned upon. Therefore, she has a deeply ingrained lack of interest in ANY religion.

Is it wrong to divorce someone over the fact that they are not willing to be a part of the Church?

Im in my early 30's, and Im concerned about what the dating scene will be like for me, if I decide to divorce.

Are there good single adult wards that are for people in their 30's? I only know of the YSA wards.

Anyone else here been in my situation. In early 30's, married for 3-5 years, no kids, ended up getting divorced???

What was your experience like? Is it difficult to find other women to date, or is it easy like it is in the YSA wards, where there are TONS of single girls?

My point is that I dont want to make the same mistake again. I want to marry a good LDS woman, who has a testimony, loves the gospel, and wants children and a temple marriage.

Like I said, Im in my early 30's, I have a good job (Im a Doctor), highly educated, no kids or other baggage, other than my "possibly soon to be ex-wife", and Im reasonably attractive and in good shape. I have a current temple recommend, pay my tithing, attend my meetings, fulfill my callings, and follow the commandments.

Its actually kind of pathetic because everyone in my ward feels "sad" for the situation Im in. My friends and parents think that I deserve someone better.

[MarginOfError]

One more thing...

I know that my Wife will never be active in the Church.

I would like a Temple marriage, and to raise my children (when I have them) in the Church.

My Wife will never have a testimony, because she simply does not care to. She has never read the Book of Mormon, and has no desire to. She was raised in a foreign country during a time when religion was frowned upon. Therefore, she has a deeply ingrained lack of interest in ANY religion.

Is it wrong to divorce someone over the fact that they are not willing to be a part of the Church?

Im in my early 30's, and Im concerned about what the dating scene will be like for me, if I decide to divorce.

Are there good single adult wards that are for people in their 30's? I only know of the YSA wards.

Anyone else here been in my situation. In early 30's, married for 3-5 years, no kids, ended up getting divorced???

What was your experience like? Is it difficult to find other women to date, or is it easy like it is in the YSA wards, where there are TONS of single girls?

My point is that I dont want to make the same mistake again. I want to marry a good LDS woman, who has a testimony, loves the gospel, and wants children and a temple marriage.

Like I said, Im in my early 30's, I have a good job (Im a Doctor), highly educated, no kids or other baggage, other than my "possibly soon to be ex-wife", and Im reasonably attractive and in good shape. I have a current temple recommend, pay my tithing, attend my meetings, fulfill my callings, and follow the commandments.

Its actually kind of pathetic because everyone in my ward feels "sad" for the situation Im in. My friends and parents think that I deserve someone better.

Sounds to me like you've made up your mind and you're looking for an excuse to get out. Just be cautioned that some of the problems that may have led to the demise of the current marriage are probably going to rear their heads again in the next marriage.