Thoughts on young men as babysitters

[MrShorty]

I don't remember exactly when it was, but it was a few months before Dr. Dobson left Focus on the Family. They were talking about child abuse, and Dr. Dobson said that, in his opinion, Parents should never allow a young man to babysit their children (boys or girls). He felt that, where boys are much more likely to sexually abuse children and it can be very difficult to determine who will do such things, it is safest for parents to draw a "line in the sand" against young men as babysitters.

I remember when I heard it, I experienced several thoughts/feelings:

1) I was somewhat offended by the statement. As a young man, I picked up a few babysitting gigs for neighbors. Looking back, I wasn't a good babysitter (didn't enforce bedtimes very strictly and stuff like that), but I would never have hurt the kids I was entrusted with. If I were a young man today, Dr. Dobson would be essentially lumping me in with all the other child abusers, and I didn't appreciate that.

2) On the other hand, I am a father of four girls, and I know it is difficult to identify a child abuser from the outside. Child abuse occurs in and out of the church, and I would be devastated to think that I had allowed someone to harm my children in this way. As a parent, the policy seems prudent.

3) I thought about what message this kind of policy could have sent to my younger self, and maybe to our young men today. Maybe something like, young men aren't capable of child care, which maybe later becomes, men in general aren't capable of child care, and young men don't bother learning basic child care on the way to becoming fathers. Does it encourage them to be "disinterested" in child rearing at home?

4) Does it also send a message to women/young women that boys/men are untrustworthy/incapable of childcare? Do you create the possibility of a wife who won't leave the kids with dad because she sees all men as incapable of taking care of children. These last two points obviously kind of perpetuate the stereotypical gender roles around raising children. Is that good or bad?

I'm reading Dr. Dobson's book Bringing up Girls where he repeats the same opinion. For myself, I can see the wisdom in the advice to not allow young men to babysit my children. But part of me is saddened to see young men lose out on those opportunities to learn and practice basic child care.

I thought I'd present the question to this forum. Would you hire a young man to babysit your children? (To be clear, I'm thinking of young men other than your own son babysitting his siblings. Though it might be interesting if you think it makes a difference whether the young man is related to the children in his care or not).

[pam]

When my kids were around the 3-5 year old range, I had a young man from our ward babysit for me quite often. Best darn babysitter I had ever had. I have boys and a girl.

[Chibihippo]

I personally don't see why you shouldn't allow young men to baby sit strictly because they are young men. When I'm home, I'll watch my (much) younger brother but my parents won't leave him with my sister to watch because she just ignores him and doesn't take care of him at all. Like you said, it can be hard to find a good babysitter and just because somebody is a female doesn't mean that they're capable or willing to take care of children.

When those young men grow up they will have an equal responsibility for raising their children and need to learn to take care of them just as much as a future mother.

[pam]

My thoughts would have probably changed as my daughter got older..but at 5 years old I didn't have a problem. I found the young man paid much more attention to my kids than the teenage girls did.

[applepansy]

My husband babysat for the neighbor when he was a teen. That was 40 years ago. The only thing that has changed in 40 years is that abuse if more talked about.

If I could find a young man willing to "babysit" my grandson I'd love it!!! He needs a big brother figure. Statistically Dr. Dobson is probably correct. However, I look closely at the family of the proposed babysitter and how HE or SHE was raised. Makes a big difference.

Edited July 17, 2011 by applepansy

[Soulsearcher]

I was a male nanny for 5 kids. Two girls and 3 boys. Their mother wouldn't have traded me for anything and i had the kids left with me for a week at a time more than once. I was the only one trusted to look after them like that. She didn't like me at first being i wasn't LDS but when she saw me with the kids she slowly got over it and actually found my gender as a plus being i could relate to the boys and offer a father type figure when the oldest girl had issues and her dad wasn't up to the task. I do wonder how young they think "young men" are a danger. I was 20 when i started as a nanny but had many years on working with kids leading up to it and was always first choice to be caregiver or babysitter when the need arose for any family or friends who needed it.

[NeuroTypical]

Would you hire a young man to babysit your children?

We're incredibly picky when it comes to babysitters. There are probably less than a dozen people on planet earth we'd pick. None of them are young men, so I guess the answer is no.

[mimi]

I hate this kind of stereotyped thinking. it's also the same type of thinking that asserts that all women are natural born child care experts just because they are women. which is definitely not true. I think that both males and females should have equal opportunity at childcare experience growing up. they'll have to work together to raise their own kids so they should have equal (or close to equal) experience.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

No, I would not let a Young Man babysit my children. Dr. Dobson is right.

Warning...this is an emotional topic for me because I was abused as a child, and I am working really hard right now to heal from the effects of that abuse. No offense intended but all those possible side effects you mentioned pale in comparison to the effects of child abuse. Trust me on this...until you have lived with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse, PTSD, a Dissociative Disorder.... you can not imagine the Hell that it is.

Do not take your chances. You just can't know who might be an abuser....I write a blog about my healing journey, and so people tend to talk to me about this sort of thing...molestors can be brothers, cousins, fathers, uncles, babysitters...etc. Very recently, a friend of mine's daughter was molested while at a cousin's house...the mother was home but in another part of the house!

This evil is so rampant you just can't believe it and the damage it does...living Hell...I mean that sincerely.

Another thing to consider. I have heard more than one story of a young man saying that he "acted out" because of pornography...with pornography being more readily available...the risk increases. It is not fair to the young man who may be struggling to be put in a position where he is tempted...

Please...statics say 1 in 3 women are sexually abused and 1 in 7 men...do everything you can to protect your children! Healing is possible (at least that is what I hope for) but it is a long, hard journey. I was told in a blessing that this has destroyed some...don't take any chances with your precious little ones.

If you are interested my blog address is Leslie's Illusions

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

The only thing that has changed in 40 years is that abuse if more talked about.

If I could find a young man willing to "babysit" my grandson I'd love it!!! He needs a big brother figure. Statistically Dr. Dobson is probably correct. However, I look closely at the family of the proposed babysitter and how HE or SHE was raised. Makes a big difference.

I disagree. First of all, I don't think we talk about abuse enough. "Silence promotes violence"...as long as we are afraid to talk about it, victims will blame themselves and abusers will get away with it. Second, it is commonly known that some boys who are abused will themselves become abusers...I'm not a mathematician, but you can see how has potential to be a very rapidly growing problem. It is more common than people want to believe.

Looking closely at the family of a proposed babysitter??? You can't know. You can't. Like I said in my other post, my friend's daughter was abused by her nephew...she thought this was a good family. Don't take any chances with your precious little ones.

[pam]

LP I'm so sorry for what you have had to go through in your life. I can also agree with many of the things you have said. I've never gone through what you have gone through so of course I can't relate.

But I worry that a stereotype can be placed on ALL young men. That we could place a distrust on all of them. Not all young men are abusers. I was lucky in my experience of allowing a young man from my ward babysit my children. This young man is now a Bishop in his ward.

Again, I'm very sorry for the trials you have had to endure. No one should have to go through that.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

But I worry that a stereotype can be placed on ALL young men. That we could place a distrust on all of them. Not all young men are abusers.

Pam, I understand what you are saying, and generally speaking I try to avoid generalizations as well. In this case, however, I think it is more a question of risk vs. benefit. IF you allow a young man to babysit for you what is the risk? What is the potential benefit?

I agree not all young men are abusers, but not everyone that gets in a car is going to have a car accident...and yet because we can't predict when or where, we all would do well to wear a seat belt. We can give young men opportunities to be with and help with children. IF we follow the Scout model of two deep leadership then perhaps they could babysit at the church for Relief Society activity days. They can help with siblings and cousins...just not alone. They can help coach teams...etc, etc.

This is also for the young men's protection...so they don't get accused of something that they didn't do...suppose evidence is found that "Toddler Jane" was abused. She can't talk about it, and it was actually Uncle Joe...but everyone thinks Joe is a great guy, so they blame the teenage boy babysitter. It might not hold up in a court of law, but the accusation could be enough to cause serious issues for that unfortunate young man.

Years ago, I worked in a men's correctional facility and one of the inmates accused me of having sexual relations with him. (jerk) As a return missionary who was living the law of chastity, I was mortified! I wasn't supposed to talk about it while it was under investigation, but word got out...I didn't do anything wrong, but it was humiliating. I can only imagine how much worse it would be to be accused of hurting a child.

We wear seat belts. We require our children to wear helmets when they ride a bike. I could go on and on with safety precautions we all take daily...why not this one?

Is the risk to both the child and the teenage boy worth the possible benefit of babysitting? For me, no.

Edited July 17, 2011 by LiterateParakeet
clarification and typos

[pam]

Your point is very well taken. But I could see the same thing happening in other forms of abuse with even the young women babysitting. It's sad it's gotten to a point where we feel that we have almost no one we can trust to babysit our children.

But then my kids are all in their 20's now so rather a moot point for me at this point. I was one of the lucky ones when it came to babysitting.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

But then my kids are all in their 20's now so rather a moot point for me at this point.

Ah, but you don't get off the hook that easily...give them a few years and you will have grandchildren to worry about.

[pam]

Touche :)

[NeuroTypical]

It is true that not all males are molestors. It is also true that most molestors are males. Knowing how to navigate through those two truths, and living life accordingly, are good things.

[mimi]

this debate reminds me of a common misconception that if you were abused as a child you are way more likely to abuse your own children. so i've heard people say things like "I heard that so and so was abused as a child and i really like them but i just don't think i can get in a relationship with them because they will abuse our children" will so and so abuse their children? it's possible, but in all likelihood, no.

the truth of the statistic is that most child abusers were abused as children. but most people who were abused as children do not become child abusers. should people who were abused be denied the opportunity at a family because they share a similar past to someone who is and behaves very differently from them?

so should young men be denied the opportunity of learning to care for children and learn good parenting skills for the same reasons?

[Gwen]

There used to be a family here with some teenage boys that I fully trusted. I was more than willing to let them watch my kids. I did have a few rules but it wasn't because I was worried about abuse. They were about 16 and 17. I always had them watch the kids together because I have 5 kids and that can be a lot for any teen (girls, if we had them, I would also have work in 2's). The only concern I had was that my youngest daughter was in diapers. Changing a girl's diaper can be a bit different than for boys. Before they watched them I asked the mom what she wanted me to do. Did she want to instruct them on changing a girl or did she want me to do that before I left. They lived about a block away and the mom would be home so she told them to call her. They only had to call her once. I wish they still lived close by.

[Joette]

I would be more interested in their experience,qualifications,references whether their views on discipline, nutrition meshed with mine rather than their gender.

I hate to break it to you but many females are sexual predators/paedophiles

My Mother never left us with anyone but a trusted family member.She is a very trusting person but when it came to our safety she was like a hunting lioness & wo betide anybody who even looked at us askance.

I know that many people don't have that option & many family members may not be safe to leave your children with -I guess it's a case of using your discernment & judgement & common sense.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I hate to break it to you but many females are sexual predators/paedophiles/

I seriously doubt that anyone is surprised by this. And "many" is a bit of a stretch. There are female offenders, certainly, but it is more rare than males.

I know that many people don't have that option & many family members may not be safe to leave your children with -I guess it's a case of using your discernment & judgement & common sense.

This is not official by any means, but off the top of my head, I just thought of 6 people that I know that were molested as children (not counting myself), 5 of them were molested by family members, and one by someone outside of the family.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be overly negative, just to raise awareness and hopefully by doing so help protect children.

[Soulsearcher]

It's been touched on a bit, but i wonder about the stigma being applied to young men. First of they are straight out being told that with out having done wrong they are not to be trusted. You might do this so you aren't worth the chance that a young woman is entitled to. Yet i'm more wondering what we are telling our young women about young men by allowing this to become common practice? Are we setting up the young men for even more trials by hinting that young men are likely to do things just because they are male? Could this grow unhealthy views of young men held by the young women? Also could this lead to the young women getting overly comfortable and not being held to the same standard entering into situations where they might be more able to prey on youth?

[NeuroTypical]

First of they are straight out being told that with out having done wrong they are not to be trusted.

Life lesson #1: Just because you occupy skin on planet earth does not mean good people will trust you. Trust is earned.

Yet i'm more wondering what we are telling our young women about young men by allowing this to become common practice?

Life lesson #2: Most people are good. A small percentage of people will try to harm you in varioius ways. You can't always tell by looking, so be safe until you're sure. If you hear any whining about it, refer them to life lesson #1.

Are we setting up the young men for even more trials by hinting that young men are likely to do things just because they are male?

Disagree with the word "likely". Can you point to the post here (or anywhere) where someone is claiming that most boys are abusers? I haven't seen one. My word is "possible". And I don't hint - I educate and inform directly.

Could this grow unhealthy views of young men held by the young women?

Hinting that the average boy is a molester would be unhealthy, yes. I don't think anyone on this thread is doing so.

Also could this lead to the young women getting overly comfortable and not being held to the same standard entering into situations where they might be more able to prey on youth?

It's important to know warning signs of a potential abuser. It's important to know any history of severe trauma in that YW's past. If a YW doesn't show any of these signs, if there are no red flags, then 99% of YW will not prey on youth, no matter how much "more able to prey" on them they are.

As for why YM are different - here are two scenes that we good LDS folks don't often think about:

Scene #1: Guy gets drunk and passes out at party. 3 girls load him into their car and take him home and put him to bed.

Scene #2: Girl gets drunk and passes out at a party. 3 guys load her into their car and take her home and put her to bed.

Which scene brings images of embarassment mixed with gratitude, and which scene brings images of STD's and unplanned pregnancy? In scene 1, pretty much any type of girl can be involved, without horrible things happening. In scene 2, the world is full of the wrong type of guy to be involved, and nobody is surprised when horrible things end up happening.

Anyway, I'm raising my daughters to be good goaltenders. Does anyone have a problem with that?

[Soulsearcher]

Trust is earned, but you are denying the young men that opportunity aren't you? Taking a default position that you are more willing to give young women that trust much more easily due to their gender?

What one says and what ones actions and motivations tell young impressionable minds can be very different. Young women seeing young men being denied because there might be a higher chance they might do wrong can go a long way to implanting a message even if the message was never intended to be delivered. Not hard for someone to go from thinking"might have a higher chance" to "likely to" at younger ages, unless parents have noticed kids always catch and understand all concepts you try and teach them with out misunderstanding?

as for your examples I've seen example of both going good and bad . I've seen more than a few guys get drunk and taken advantage of by girls and seen more than enough girls get drunk and get taken advantage of by guys. Also if we want to get technical it's amazing how many girls i've seen get drunk and got taken advantage of by other girls as well. I've seen way too many predatory women in my life to really view either young men or women different, both are going to have hormones raging and I don't know exactly how they are handling it so from there i'd go by how they interact, how they can handle the kids ext. Every person is a potential sexual or physical threat, so while assuming they are all equal then work with the important stuff.

[Backroads]

At family camp, so much our young teen male staff was sent to the younger kids. They loved it, and there is nothing cuter than a scrawney teenage boy with five babies clinging to him.

[Dravin]

The stigma of the assumed predator has a bit of a downside, if your kid is lost in Wal-mart crying chances are, unless I'm with my wife, I might inform an employee but otherwise I'll be treating the kid like he has leprosy. It also applies to other things like helping the kid get a drink from the water fountain. I'm assuming this is an unintended side effect, though I suppose it could in some way be the desired result by society at large. Stay away from my kid no matter what.

Edited July 18, 2011 by Dravin