Thoughts on young men as babysitters

[NeuroTypical]

Trust is earned, but you are denying the young men that opportunity aren't you? Taking a default position that you are more willing to give young women that trust much more easily due to their gender?

Well again, my wife and I deny 99.99999% of the population of planet earth that opportunity. There are about half a dozen people we trust with our kids - and they're all adults. From a pure statistical point of view, as far as my kids are involved, a YM has exactly the same opportunity to watch my kids as a YW - zero.

I do not believe there is anything wrong with this situation. I do not judge anyone who makes different choices. Heck, we'll probably have both of our girls babysit when they're older.

What one says and what ones actions and motivations tell young impressionable minds can be very different. Young women seeing young men being denied because there might be a higher chance they might do wrong can go a long way to implanting a message even if the message was never intended to be delivered.

Meh. False message implanting is one of the problems other people have, that is not my problem. We're open and honest about who we are and why we do things. If people demand to have false messages implanted, that's their choice.

I've seen way too many predatory women in my life to really view either young men or women different, both are going to have hormones raging and I don't know exactly how they are handling it so from there i'd go by how they interact, how they can handle the kids ext. Every person is a potential sexual or physical threat, so while assuming they are all equal then work with the important stuff.

I respect your experiences. I do not disagree with them. In fact, we probably both agree that it's less likely for a guy to report being assaulted, due to male pride. I am in no way, dismissing or ignoring actual cases of abused YM.

I'm just aware than if you put 1000 guys in that situation, and 1000 girls, you'll have a bunch more girls traumatized and damaged and only a few guys.

[pam]

I don't think there is any right or wrong answer on this subject. It all comes down to what the parents are comfortable with. It's their kids.

[lizzy16]

I don't have kids. But I have thought about this a lot. Because, I babysit. And, once one of the YM took over one of my babysitting jobs. I was kinda angry about it. But, I thought about it and observed him a lot. It really was for the best. the kids, all boys, related way better to him. And, this YM had many younger siblings. He was always so sweet to little kids it was endearing. He's actually married now and just had his first daughter :) He will be an amazing father. His caring attitude with kids is one of my favorite attributes. He was a really close family friend and I decided I wouldn't mind marrying him. He can be really cocky and has a lot of other attributes I dislike. However, simply by the way he treated kids I'd marry him over all the guys in my stake any day. :) Anyway, its all pointless now that he's married. But, you get the gist. He was really great with kids :) And, I think a lot of guys can be when given the chance.

[prisonchaplain]

No, I would not let a Young Man babysit my children. Dr. Dobson is right.

Warning...this is an emotional topic for me because I was abused as a child, and I am working really hard right now to heal from the effects of that abuse. No offense intended but all those possible side effects you mentioned pale in comparison to the effects of child abuse. Trust me on this...until you have lived with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse, PTSD, a Dissociative Disorder.... you can not imagine the Hell that it is.

Do not take your chances. You just can't know who might be an abuser....I write a blog about my healing journey, and so people tend to talk to me about this sort of thing...molestors can be brothers, cousins, fathers, uncles, babysitters...etc. Very recently, a friend of mine's daughter was molested while at a cousin's house...the mother was home but in another part of the house!

This evil is so rampant you just can't believe it and the damage it does...living Hell...I mean that sincerely.

Another thing to consider. I have heard more than one story of a young man saying that he "acted out" because of pornography...with pornography being more readily available...the risk increases. It is not fair to the young man who may be struggling to be put in a position where he is tempted...

Please...statics say 1 in 3 women are sexually abused and 1 in 7 men...do everything you can to protect your children! Healing is possible (at least that is what I hope for) but it is a long, hard journey. I was told in a blessing that this has destroyed some...don't take any chances with your precious little ones.

If you are interested my blog address is Leslie's Illusions

I've heard this statistic repeatedly. At first I thought it was awfully high. Now I am convinced that the rate is AWFUL, and it is HIGH--but also accurate.

It's a sad world we live in. Reality is not always pleasant. As a result, we seldom use babysitters, period. We would never leave our children alone, for an extended period, with any man, young, old, family, or not. It's not that we have any particular suspicions--we would just hate for that to happen to our girls. By being consistent, nobody feels we are targeting them.

These days most churches require background checks for all those working with children. Most classes have a teacher and an assistant, so the students are never alone with one adult. Again, all this is sad--but necessary.

We just have to get over our nostalgia for the way things were. It's highly likely the 1/3rd-abuse rate has always been true, but most cases went unreported.

[prisonchaplain]

It's been touched on a bit, but i wonder about the stigma being applied to young men. First of they are straight out being told that with out having done wrong they are not to be trusted. You might do this so you aren't worth the chance that a young woman is entitled to. Yet i'm more wondering what we are telling our young women about young men by allowing this to become common practice? Are we setting up the young men for even more trials by hinting that young men are likely to do things just because they are male? Could this grow unhealthy views of young men held by the young women? Also could this lead to the young women getting overly comfortable and not being held to the same standard entering into situations where they might be more able to prey on youth?

The issue you raise is very real. It goes beyond young men babysitting. Men in general now seem to have a cloud over us. If you look at young children playing, and say, "How cute!" along with the a few amens, you wonder whether the mother will smile, or whether she will look at you as if to say, "And just why are YOU taking notice of my children????"

Sin sickens the world, distorts relationships, and makes us fearful and untrusting. Yet, I have three girls. I will protect them. Sorry if I look at young men with "security eyes" when I am in public with them. My own children's safety outweighs my frustration that young men are perceived with caution when around children.

[girlygirl]

When I was a kid the golden rule for me was if I was at a friends house and only their dad was home not mom I had to leave.. So I guess this is why I had no male babysitters. Same rule applied if I was at the cousins and only boys were there, this applied to all possible situations. I always thought this rule was so strict and didn't fully understand it until I was older.

I found out that one of my friends dads was a child molester when I was 17, guess my mom wasn't so strict after all......

[girlygirl]

Actually I am glad this issue got brought up. My husband and I plan on having kids soon, we got around to talking about how his brother has never dated anyone and doesn't really plan to, I then said abruptly that I didn't want his brother babysitting our kids and my husband got quite offended. We then had a little debate over it and he thought I was being a bit unfair- maybe I am, but its just the way I was raised!

[Dravin]

My husband and I plan on having kids soon, we got around to talking about how his brother has never dated anyone and doesn't really plan to, I then said abruptly that I didn't want his brother babysitting our kids and my husband got quite offended.

I would too if it came out like that. It's one thing, "I don't want a male watching our kids." and another, "Your brother hasn't dated anyone and doesn't plan to... I don't want him watching our kids." The implication of course being my brother is some sort of child molester or something due to the connection with his dating habits, it comes across as a back handed attack.

On a personal note why I'd be willing to go along with my wife on a general no being watched by males policy, there would probably be 'debate' over family.

Edited August 17, 2011 by Dravin

[girlygirl]

Yes I admit I didn't really bring up my opinion in the best way. However, if I get a bad feeling about something usually I run with it!

[beefche]

Yes I admit I didn't really bring up my opinion in the best way. However, if I get a bad feeling about something usually I run with it!

I am truly glad I'm not married to someone who accuses my family members of atrocious things based on a "feeling."

[girlygirl]

Actually beefche I think our gut instincts and hunches are not to be taken lightly, especially when it comes to men with children. So you are saying if I get a bad vibe from someone I should just let him go ahead and sit my kids unsupervised for a few hours?

I think my friend who's dad was a child molester was also glad her mom didn't accuse family members of 'atrocious things'..

[beefche]

Actually beefche I think our gut instincts and hunches are not to be taken lightly, especially when it comes to men with children. So you are saying if I get a bad vibe from someone I should just let him go ahead and sit my kids unsupervised for a few hours?

Certainly not. But if my husband said to me, "your brother is single, not dating anyone...I don't want him to watch our kids!" He has essentially just called my brother a child molester. However, if he had said, "Honey, I have no evidence for anything, but I have a bad feeling about having your brother watch the kids," then we have some room for dialogue. I'm more likely to respect his wishes and not get offended by that statement. I would honor his wishes while we discussed the issue.

Do you honestly think you would not get offended and defensive if your husband said he had a feeling your mother is whacko and will likely harm your children?

[girlygirl]

I'm sorry Beefche that you are quoting my post word for word, next time I will not do a quick summary of a conversation between me and my spouse, I will make sure to get the exact dialog and wording so no one jumps to conclusions of what was exactly said

[beefche]

Look, I really don't care what you discuss with your husband. That is your private business. But when you post on an open forum, there are many, MANY people reading and judging us as Mormons, Americans, etc. By implying that a single man is a potential child molester without any evidence is something I feel I need to address. How you personally live your life is your business. But, I don't want someone reading this to think that is how everyone should or does conduct their lives.

[girlygirl]

I think the only person doing the judging is you. Up till now everyone has been able to air their opinions about things whether right or wrong. That's the point of a discussion. However not sticking to the issue of debate and personally attacking someone by saying you are truly glad you are not married to them is somehow okay?

I am totally fine with someone not agreeing with my opinion, yes, please go ahead and say your piece, however digging at them personally is a whole new senario

[john doe]

Let's stop getting all offended and get back to discussing the topic. Put me in the camp of those who believe that a young man is fine to babysit unless you have reason to not trust him. And I don't believe that not dating very much is a red flag in and of itself. As a teen I babysat my boss' children many times, including their young daughter. As far as I know they never contracted any long-term psychological ailments as a result.

However, as a parent, I do not let my daughters have sleepovers at my house if my wife is not home. It's not that I don't trust myself, but the fact is, if an allegation is made, it is best to have another adult there to testify to what did or did not happen. It's a self-protection that I have chosen to give myself.