Is it really possible?

[notquitegoodenough]

Is it really possible for a married woman to be just friends with a man to whom she is not married to? And if this woman talks to this man (who is also married) on a regular basis, even though there is nothing inappropriate about their conversations, is a sin being committed, whether the spouses know about the conversations or not?

No need to explain to me where this can lead... I am, unfortunately, all too familiar with the word "adultery".

[slamjet]

Possible? Yes, but it's the appearance of impropriety. Long phone calls, lunches, dinners, etc just the friend and married on a regular basis can be the fodder for malicious gossip let alone misread signals (both the friend and the husband). So it becomes a question of which is most important, husband or friend. Then maturely act accordingly.

[notquitegoodenough]

Long phone calls, lunches, dinners, etc ...

No long phone calls, lunches or dinners. Private conversations at work? Yes. Emails? Yes. Nothing else. And conversations may not be anything inappropriate, but their marriages are discussed. Some would consider this to be an emotional affair. When does it go from being "okay" to needing to confess?

[Guest]

I don't think it's ever appropriate to discuss your marriage with someone of the opposite sex. In fact, I think one's marriage should only be discussed with one's spouse.

As far as email, I wouldn't be comfortable just chit-chatting with a non-family male over email. The very occasional email to discuss something specific like a work issue would be the limit. Certainly only things I'd be 100% comfortable with my husband reading over my shoulder. I'd probably even be sure to tell my husband about the conversation for the sake of propriety and to be sure he's comfortable.

Private conversations are over the line.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Eowyn

[pam]

I have numerous men that I'm friends with who are married. But there is never the private phone conversations. Emails sent are sent with the thought that the spouse would also be reading them. They are never anything personal. I would never go to lunch or dinner one on one. It would always be with a group or with the spouse.

I just don't find it appropriate at all. Nor would I ever want to put the other in a situation where anything might be thought of negatively. I'm not married so I don't have a spouse to worry about. Yet as a friend, I would never want to put that friendship in a situation that could negatively impact their life.

[WilliamK]

My wife had a number of those "harmless" conversations with a work friend where he helped her come to the conclusion that she did not love me anymore and should leave me. I would have to say that while it may not be a sin, it is certainly potentially destructive.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Is it really possible for a married woman to be just friends with a man to whom she is not married to? And if this woman talks to this man (who is also married) on a regular basis, even though there is nothing inappropriate about their conversations, is a sin being committed, whether the spouses know about the conversations or not?

Yes, it is possible for a married woman to be just friends with a man other than her husband. My goodness, before I was married I had friends that were male and female, purely platonic, no romance...why should that end just because I got married. I don't think that is a sin at all.

One of my closest friends (besides my husband) is a man. We email occasionally...and have talked on the phone occasionally... My husband and his wife are aware of our friendship.

If I were having marital problems (I'm not) I would not talk to my friends about it (male or female)...as others have stated that is between that couple and the Lord.

I wouldn't go out to dinner with a male friend unless our spouses were also there . So sure there are some things that I do differently with a male friend than a female friend, but certainly there is room in my life for both.

[Torrence]

I have a male friend, we have been friends since middle school. He got into a drinking problem and needed help. I drove cross country to get him to bring him to my mother and get him help. We have a brother-sister relationship.

My soon to be ex husband doesn't get it. He believes his kid that I was having an affair. His kid saw me "making out" with this guy. I laughed; I thought he was joking, I am not the mother of his child (she had affairs). At the time I was "committing adultery" I was 200+ miles away at the Temple. He believed his kid who wanted me gone; he found his excuse.

I am gone and they are happy. So and I because I saved my friend and found out true feelings about my ex-husband.

It is possible to have male friends. The other partner needs to believe and have faith in their chosen mate. Open communication also helps :)

[AGStacker]

No long phone calls, lunches or dinners. Private conversations at work? Yes. Emails? Yes. Nothing else. And conversations may not be anything inappropriate, but their marriages are discussed. Some would consider this to be an emotional affair. When does it go from being "okay" to needing to confess?

Just stop doing it! If you are worried about it their is a problem. Why are you talking to someone of the opposite sex about your marriage? Why don't you talk to your spouse about your marriage?

[AGStacker]

I have a male friend, we have been friends since middle school. He got into a drinking problem and needed help. I drove cross country to get him to bring him to my mother and get him help. We have a brother-sister relationship.

My soon to be ex husband doesn't get it. He believes his kid that I was having an affair. His kid saw me "making out" with this guy. I laughed; I thought he was joking, I am not the mother of his child (she had affairs). At the time I was "committing adultery" I was 200+ miles away at the Temple. He believed his kid who wanted me gone; he found his excuse.

I am gone and they are happy. So and I because I saved my friend and found out true feelings about my ex-husband.

It is possible to have male friends. The other partner needs to believe and have faith in their chosen mate. Open communication also helps :)

My apologies.

Edited August 4, 2011 by AGStacker

[ruthiechan]

Please work on your grammar.

How incredibly rude. You do not know if this person's first language is English, nor if this person has a disability. Egad.

[ruthiechan]

There are three men that I dearly love who are not my husband. They are, in fact, my husband's friends, all of whom are single (well, one may not be soon). It would be a simple thing to allow those feelings to turn into something inappropriate. I keep focused on the brotherly love I have for them. Sometimes I'll hang out with them without my husband but never alone. And I do not flirt.

Interestingly enough, each of these men share similar qualities with my husband. So it's no wonder that I care so much about them in a way that could lead to inappropriate feelings if I let it. Romantic love is a choice. I choose to love my husband and no one else.

[AGStacker]

There are three men that I dearly love who are not my husband. They are, in fact, my husband's friends, all of whom are single (well, one may not be soon). It would be a simple thing to allow those feelings to turn into something inappropriate. I keep focused on the brotherly love I have for them. Sometimes I'll hang out with them without my husband but never alone. And I do not flirt.

Interestingly enough, each of these men share similar qualities with my husband. So it's no wonder that I care so much about them in a way that could lead to inappropriate feelings if I let it. Romantic love is a choice. I choose to love my husband and no one else.

Why would you even put yourself in a potentially disastrous situation? It isn't worth it.

[ruthiechan]

Why would you even put yourself in a potentially disastrous situation? It isn't worth it.

Uhm, I'm not. Where'd you get that idea?

[John11111]

Possible? Yes... however it is completly inapropriate and potentially disasterous.

[observant]

For me, now seeing the full effects of an "innocent online relationship"... my advice would be to run and not walk as far away from your computer as you can get.

I don't care how innocent it begins.. I also don't care how strong one thinks they are in the gospel and committed to their marriage.Run... and don't look back.

My wife of 31 years now lives several states away from me, our kids and several grand kids because she got into such a strong emotional affair with another "active and married member, that she could no longer honor her marriage vows and also covenants made in the holy temple.

This is playing with fire of the hottest kind and will not turn out well for anyone getting involved emotionally with someone who is not their spouse.

This is exactly like Charles Dickens talked about in his book... "'''it was the best of times and the worst of times...'

I seem to feel now that, having never believed this would happen to my spouse and I, that the power of the adversary over this medium of the internet is magnified far greater than any other thing we come up against. There are many reasons for this.. but primary reasons are the ability to remain anonymous so much of the time,the ability to achieve"instant gratification, the sheer numbers willing of available internet partners and the ability to transact such a large amount of communications in privacy.

All of these things add to the reasons to help break down ones' moral sense and also help " carefully" draw one into a place that they should never ever be.

I ask that you don't try and prove how strong you are by getting involved and then suddenly be over your head..It will always be a carefully controlled decent into an area you never wish to be.

and don't belong

Its been a year now for me since my wife left. Her feelings for the other dude are compounded by his constant contact with her of text messages of an average of over 175 per day. As for me I simply

explain that I still love her and forgive her and that she has to take steps to return. Extensive counseling with church counselors on both ends have resulted in one fact.. Sorry.. we don't know what to do with her.. she cannot make a decision. his course is to still try to end his own marriage ( yes a temple marriage)but his own wife is thankfully throwing up a fight.

His priesthood leader still feels he is 'just trying to help"....I am not going into any kind of criticism about him.. but this is clearly over his head.I don't even know if the handbook of instructions has sections on this sort of thing yet;

So this can and will be an awful thing for anyone to go thru.I only hope that my note would help anyone contemplating such a move to not now or ever find themselves in a similar state.

You will surely find hell on earth by following this path.

[Blocky]

I had a friend of the opposite sex that was a very good friend and there was nothing inappropriate about it.

One day he told me that he had been in love with me for years, but never told me because he wanted to respect my marriage.

That was the end of my friends with the opposite sex days.

[slamjet]

Uhm, I'm not. Where'd you get that idea?

Sorry, Ruthie, this thread has shown me that we can no longer rub noses. How sad.

[ruthiechan]

Ultimately, I think it's the manner of conversations that change the appropriateness. For example, I don't complain about about husband to other people, even on the internet, including his friends. I just don't. If ever the role of the opposite sex becomes "sympathetic ear", you're gonna have a problem.

Also, these days, you need to be aware of even the same sex. I've had women profess their desire for me, and I realized I should have been treating them the way I would a man to avoid that kind of trouble. I certainly didn't mean to make them want me, no more than Blocky intended to make her male friend want her. Oops.

Sorry, Ruthie, this thread has shown me that we can no longer rub noses. How sad.

Oh, darn. There goes our spiritually edifying conversations sprinkled with humor. *sigh*

Oh wait, maybe that last emote is too "flirty."

[Windseeker]

My belief is that once you are married it's time to let those opposite sex relationships whither on the vine and focus your attention and needs on your spouse. It's pretty simple anything else are just excuses to play on the edge of the abyss.

[Truegrits]

I have female friends and I have male friends; I treasure them all.

I do not seek out friends according to their sex, nor would I think of denying a friendship on the basis of gender.

No lines have been crossed in any of my friendships.

Yes, it is possible.

[mrmarklin]

IMNSHO

The short answer is NO.

Been around a long time, seen a lot of stuff, and I don't think it's possible. It is possible to lie to oneself.

Edited August 10, 2011 by mrmarklin

[Iggy]

I am married/sealed- I am friends with another man (who is not married, and not Mormon). Sometimes we have rather long phone conversations, sometimes he actually emails me more than 15 words. :)

This man now lives in North Dakota- if he lived in town, then I would NOT go shopping (one of our favorite things we did) with him, unless my Husband was okay with it. I would NOT have lunch with him alone unless Husband was okay with that. I would HAVE him to dinner at my home, because Husband would be there too.

I was friends with him before Husband & I were married. Husband really does not know him, but Husband does not ban me from continuing my friendship with him.

I also know men who are married, most are LDS-some are not. I am friends with them AND with their wives. Husband is getting to know them now that we have moved back to Oregon and are able to see them in person.

I have made friends with a few men from the lds based forums that I frequent. Husband knows about them, and does not feel threatened nor does he think it is improper or inappropriate.

My husband has female friends from his past life. Some are married, a few are LDS. I wouldn't dream of forbidding him to converse with them. With out asking him or even subtly hinting - he BCC's his emails to them, and forwards their emails to me. Also, he CC's their spouses.

Husband was married three times before me. I am the only one sealed to him. Both of us had past lives, and past friendships that neither of us wants to discontinue. I don't want him to discontinue his friendships with any of his friends- male or female.

What it comes down to is neither of us will ever put our marriage vows and sealing covenants in jeopardy. Nor will we put ourselves in situations where others might view it as inappropriate.

The rule of thumb that I follow is: Will I be embarrased, ashamed or even uncomfortable if the emails/PM's I send/receive from any of these male friends are read by my husband? If the answer is yes, or even a maybe- then I delete the message and seriously re-think the friendship. Same goes for being in public with them.

[Jennarator]

Most of the men I know say that isn't possible to have really good female friends. They always hope it will lead to more.

On the other hand I think women can easily seperate the two types of friends.

Growing up late teens and early 20s I had a very close male friend. I told him anything, and he did the same. I never thought about asking, him at the time, if ever wanted more, but I can tell you, I was in no way shape or form interested romanticly in him. Not in the slightest....

[mrmarklin]

Most of the men I know say that isn't possible to have really good female friends. They always hope it will lead to more.

On the other hand I think women can easily seperate the two types of friends.

Growing up late teens and early 20s I had a very close male friend. I told him anything, and he did the same. I never thought about asking, him at the time, if ever wanted more, but I can tell you, I was in no way shape or form interested romanticly in him. Not in the slightest....

Think you've touched on the truth.

Women think that they can be "friends", but guys always want to take the next step.

Assuming that's true, and I believe it is, there can never be what we know as true friendship: ie: a two way street of full companionship.