Where is the line?

[Gitano11]

Is it appropriate for one spouse to ask the other if they are worthy to have a temple recommend?

Our recommends are expiring and I scheduled appointments for us to visit with the bishop. I told my wife the day and time of the interviews and she said " oh, well, I'm not going to mine". When I asked her why she said that she didn't know if she had a testimony anymore. I have tried to talk with her about it a few times and she skirts the questions. She refuses to study scriptures with me yet she wants to maintain a facade and take care of her calling as the Relief Society Activity Planner.

I am wondering if this is arising from a worthiness issue. I know worthiness is a very personal thing and is ultimately between her and the Lord. But it effects me and my children as well.

Would it be out of line to ask her if she is worthy to have a recommend?

[girlygirl]

I would say it is not out of line at all to ask her if you are asking her in a non confrontational manner, couples should be open and honest with each others achievements as well as shortcomings.

That being said I find in my relationship I can be open and honest to my husband about everything if he asks me at the appropriate time, in the appropriate manner, and with appropriate concern.

If I feel backed into a corner or am asked abruptly I will admit I will get my back up and not be as willing.

[Gwen]

Do not assume she is not worthy. Leave it between her and the lord. Do not question her authenticity of her calling, the biship or rs pres may already know her concerns and feel that a calling like activity planner is good for her right now. Just because someone doubts and has a calling does not mean they are putting on show, being fake, a facade, two faced, etc.

I have gone though times when I've doubted. It's very hard but it is no different of a trial of faith than any other temptation. During that time I did hold callings and did the best I could. My bp knew of my issues and concerns. My callings were adjusted but I was not left with no calling. I chose not to have my recommend renewed until I felt confident again that I could honestly go.

One thing my husband did that I do not recommend is he wouldn't get his renewed until I did. I felt he was being manipulative because he was always bugging me about it because he didn't feel ok not having a recommend.

I do suggest you try to open communication but don't judge her or accuse her of not being worthy or being two faced. When she does express doubts accept that is what she is going through, don't get angry or defensive. Be her support not accuser.

[Vort]

As a husband, your relationship with your wife is far more important and more intimate than the bishop's relationship with a ward member. Of course your wife's spiritual status is your business! Of course you should be informed about it! But never forget D&C 121:41. If you wade in, throwing your (perceived) weight around and demanding to know, you will get exactly nothing. If your concern is for your wife's well-being, and if you can communicate this fact, then you might learn exactly what you need to know.

[beefche]

Phrased like that would potentially cause problems, IMO. There is nothing wrong discussing her concerns or issues with her. And there are ways to ask about "worthiness" issues without using that word. That word implies a judgment on her.

I suggest taking time (have the kids stay at a friend's or grandma's or something) to have a heart to heart with her. Listen to her without judgement. Seek to understand where she is and what she wants so you know the information you need to then seek the Lord's guidance on how to help her and your relationship with her.

[mrmarklin]

Your wife has already answered your question. Of course she's not temple worthy. She doesn't believe in the Church anymore. And believing in the church and following the prophet is one of the temple questions.

[Windseeker]

Would it be out of line to ask her if she is worthy to have a recommend?

I'm sorry you have to experience this. In the end we answer the Savior on our own. I'd recommend working on your communication with her, not judging and doing what's right. Don't think for a second you're truly alone, if you've read some of the posts on this board you'll know there are many who's spouses have left the church, are inactive or were never members. You are commanded to love her. That's all you can do. Patience and Longsuffering.

While minor compared to what others go thru, I have need to take my own advice as I'm going it alone when it comes to Family Prayer and Family Home Evening.

[Guest FixingTheWrongs]

I'm sorry you have to experience this. In the end we answer the Savior on our own. I'd recommend working on your communication with her, not judging and doing what's right. Don't think for a second you're truly alone, if you've read some of the posts on this board you'll know there are many who's spouses have left the church, are inactive or were never members. You are commanded to love her. That's all you can do. Patience and Longsuffering.

While minor compared to what others go thru, I have need to take my own advice as I'm going it alone when it comes to Family Prayer and Family Home Evening.

Extremely good advise and stated with a fervor that really hits home. Thank you Windseeker. I KNOW I need to start doing this myself.

[shdwlkr]

If I were married which I am not right now and my wife said to me what you have told us I would respect her for knowing that now is not the time for her to hold a temple recommend. I would also be supportive of her calling in the church as it just might be the end of the rope she is hanging onto at the moment.

If you can talk as calm people about her feelings and don't judge her for anything she might say in time she just might let you in to her world of wondering and if she does and you can in a very loving kind supportive way help her to understand these things with no thought of whether they will bring her back or just keep her where she is then you just might one day see her get her temple recommend again.

It is far more important right now she feel loved by you, supported by you for her decision and also to be patient with her as she struggles through whatever it is that has her questioning her beliefs. You are a team and when one member of the team needs help, support and love the other gives it with no thoughts of what will or will not happen because of these actions.

You might also want to pray for her in private and in your nightly prayers together not so much that she get her temple recommend but more that she knows that you love her, support her and want her to be happy and also that she feels safe with you in her life. Women are strange individuals things that a man would have no problem with can be big mountains for a women and on the flip side of the coin a man can see an issue as being the worst thing that could happen in a marriage and the woman can sit back and laugh at it as she has already found a solution and can move on with life.

Let her know you respect her decision and let it go and be all you can be to her, your family and your callings in church and get your temple recommend and attend with her approval when you go. If she asks you something about your time at the temple use it as a teaching experience with no judgement being made or given or implied.

We all have to explain our lives one day to God you can't do it for her nor she for you only each one of us can account for our actions and what we did and how we corrected them if we could.

[LDSJewess]

Although I feel that is is imperative that a husband and wife communicate with each other; I am not in complete agreement that it is ones "business" as Vort put it. I think that is why Temple Recommend interviews are between the Bishop and the interviewee, and not the Bishop and the couple.

That being said I have just faced the same situation, only my husband and I had been inactive for quite a while and although we are back in the church and active and hold callings, I felt it was time to interview to renew my Temple Recommend. I made the appointment and over dinner asked my husband if he planned on doing the same, and he said that he just was not ready to do that yet. Although I pretty much knew the main reason, I certainly did not ask my husband if he was worthy. After all he is definitely worthy to be my husband, but if he is not yet Temple worthy, I simply need to give him the time and space he needs, and to pray. I believe he will eventually be ready and worthy in time. He has not lost his belief in the Gospel and I do not know the level of his testimony. But I do know the major reason is that he has an issue with a full tithe, knowing that we would likely lose our home if he did. He also has some issues with wearing his garments all the time and claims the bottoms are too hot to wear outdoors. And there is that morning cup of coffee that although is not a daily need, he doesn't want to commit to EVER having that cup of coffee. So bottom line is he is not yet ready. I believe he will be in due time. And the timing of it all will be between him and Heavenly Father not between him and me. After all the covenants he makes regarding the Temple Recommend are with God not me. Meanwhile we can enjoy the blessings of going to the Temple alone until our spouses are ready to join us there.

[Guest mirancs8]

No, it is not out of line. She's your wife. Personally I think this is something that a wife should elaborate on with her husband in a marriage. The more communication the better though it doesn't come easy for everyone. We are a couple in marriage not roommates where it wouldn't matter either way.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing." Ephesians 5:22-24

Find the right time and like it was said previously don't make her feel like she's being backed to a wall. Find a subtle way to discuss it together as a loving couple.

I wish you much luck.

[blackestate]

To me the key words are "don't know if" I would take her out, and find out what it is she is struggling with. Love her and help her regain her Testimony, That is the key. If you love her and help her become stong again, she will either tell you, or overcome it on your own.

And never underestimate praying together. It is good for her to hear you tell the lord how you love and care for her, and want to help. I think we should often express our love for our companion to the lord, in prayer so they know how much we value them.

Also, in my opinion, do not just have a recomend, use of it will bless all in the home

[jayanna]

I am wondering when was the last time you used those recommends? How long since it has not been precious to her? I think her cup has run dry, and you do have a responsibility to meet her spiritual needs, so it is your business, but not in a disciplinary kind of way. I think you should approach this during a spiritual moment like FHE or family scripture study. Express your gratitude for the gospel in your life, make a list of all the good things that have come from having the gospel, and hope.

I love the time I spend in the temple with my husband. We went today actually, and it was wonderful. We ate in the cafeteria, and laughed and joked with each other. We held hands and prayed in the Celestial room together. If she does get her testimony and recommend back, I think you should arrange child care (if applicable) and take your precious wife to the temple. Regardless, I think she should go to her interviews and tell them that she is struggling so they can help her as well.

She must have been through a lot lately if she is questioning her testimony. If she is just putting on a good front for others, she might assume others do the same as well...but why would she bother putting on an appearance? Why bother at all? Are there sisters that she cares about that she doesn't want to affect in a bad way?

Her cup is empty, help her fill it.