Did I say/do the right thing??

[confuzzled]

Background:

My 19 (turns 20 next month) old nephew lives away from home. Has completely fallen away from the church. He drinks (and I don't mean H2O) and is basically sowing his wild oats. In a nut shell....Word of Wisdom and morality.

He has on numerous occasions stated that he would really like to pursue a career similiar to mine and I have given him numerous suggestions when he has asked.

Information came my way via FB (his Facebook) about his drinking habits and so a few days ago I met up with him and..........

1. basically told him how unwise/unhealthy/potentially harmful his behavior was.

and...

2. told him that a year ago I would of gladly had him come on a call with me but now w/ his behavior/attitude I wouldn't.

So....did I mess up? Grant it I can't change what I did but any advise would be appreciated!

Thanks

[beefche]

Honestly? Yes, I think you did. Unless you truly felt he would show up drunk to go on a call with you, then I think the unsolicited criticism/advice was not appropriate.

[Backroads]

You are the potential mentor here. Pretty much all decision power lies with you. You are not obligated to do anything for him.

[pam]

I'm not sure I agree that it wasn't appropriate. It sounds like confuzzled has had somewhat of a relationship with her nephew. Sometimes people need to hear things from someone that isn't within their immediate family. If he has used her for a sounding board and advice on career choice...then it sounds like he somewhat respects her opinion.

We'll never know if just laying it on the line might not have a positive effect.

[slamjet]

I would have said the same thing. But then, I'm not nice.

First off, you put up the boundary. Second, you're responsible for the person if you bring him into your employment. Third, it's your reputation if you bring him into your employment. People with such free-attitudes have no boundaries. He shapes up, he can participate. He still wants to do what he wants while trying to skirt consequences, then too bad.

[skippy740]

D&C 121:43

43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

Personally, I don't think you messed up. However, you don't necessarily want to cut off all your ties with him. Show him step-by-step what he needs to do. Actually, ask for commitments from him step-by-step... and show him how that if he makes progress, his life will change for the better.

But a verbal (written) slap of cold water never permanently damaged anybody.

[confuzzled]

I appreciate all the responses....even those who don't agree w/ my actions.

And yes I do (and hope I still) have a relationship with my nephew.

And I guess IF it was one or two beers on the weekend I would really have an easier time however it is copious amount of alcohol. He is putting himself at risk legally for MIP (minor in possession) and DUI and not to mention the health risks. I am also well aware of addictive behavior and he is showing some tell tell signs.

Perhaps I am being over protective and over reacting but I have pulled too many dead kids (and yes in my mind he is still a kid) out of cars.

[Blocky]

I don't see a problem with it at all. You brought to light a natural consequence of his actions. His actions affect those who know and love him, even if they aren't physically witnessing his actions.

[Backroads]

I was thinking more about this situation this morning. I still think you were more or less fine. Perhaps it was slightly out of the blue, but I think your intent was right on. I'm getting the impression he is in a troublesome way (beyond the equivalent of a few weekend beers you mentioned) and that kind of behavior is not conducive to most professional work environments. He needed to learn that at some point. Nothing wrong with a head's up.

And, on a darker note, if he's irrevocably upset by this news, it's possibly just as well.

[RMGuy]

I'll throw in my $.02

I see this as two different issues:

1. Your concern for your nephew's behavior as it relates to your beliefs and morality. I want to be careful here so that you understand I agree with your concerns. Drinking and premarital sex can have huge unintended negative consequences. However, I think we need to remember that your nephew apparently does not share the same beliefs or morality, not does a significant portion of the population generally. As a family member that cares for and is concerned about not just his spiritual but also his temporal welfare, I think you are within your rights and not violating boundaries to share your concerns with him.

2. His interest in your career. For me here, while it is related, I see this a bit differently, and I could go either way. If you were asked by your professional organization to mentor a local nono-member college student would you do so? What if you knew that at least that student was drinking on the weekends, or was living with their significant other? If you would do this for a college student at the behest of a professional organization, then why would you not do the same for your nephew, unless you were concerned about poor behavior being manifest to your clients? Of course, you don't have to do anything for him. There is no obligation, and you can of course set any stipulations on your assistance that you would like.

-RM

[applepansy]

I appreciate all the responses....even those who don't agree w/ my actions.

And yes I do (and hope I still) have a relationship with my nephew.

And I guess IF it was one or two beers on the weekend I would really have an easier time however it is copious amount of alcohol. He is putting himself at risk legally for MIP (minor in possession) and DUI and not to mention the health risks. I am also well aware of addictive behavior and he is showing some tell tell signs.

Perhaps I am being over protective and over reacting but I have pulled too many dead kids (and yes in my mind he is still a kid) out of cars.

I wish my son had an aunt like you!

Yes, he's still a kid.

Just love him all the more. He might not agree with what you've said but he will always know you love him and you said what you said because you love him.

[NeuroTypical]

He has on numerous occasions stated that he would really like to pursue a career similiar to mine and I have given him numerous suggestions when he has asked.

2. told him that a year ago I would of gladly had him come on a call with me but now w/ his behavior/attitude I wouldn't.

So....did I mess up?

Why did you tell him that? If it is true - you feel his behaviour/attitude would get in the way of him succeeding on a call, then no, you didn't mess up.

If you were trying to punish him for his choices by raining down judgement and consequences from your superior position of moral cleanliness, then yeah, you might have messed up.

So which was it? Were you keeping him from a bad experience, or were you trying to pressure or manipulate him into giving up his vices by taking it on yourself to provide a negative consequence?

[confuzzled]

Loudmouth......

It wasn't my intent to punish but to inform (rather bluntly) that his choices and actions now can and will have dire consequences. That he is treading on dangerous ground.

[NeuroTypical]

I just want to make clear - the dire consequences you're talking about, are that unless he stops drinking, folks like you will reject him and his company, and not help him pursue his career goals. I mean, I know that sounds a bit strong or crass or whatever - but do I understand correctly?

Edited October 28, 2011 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[confuzzled]

Loudmouth.....

Yep you understand correctly.

Plus the fact that IF he does get himself into legal trouble (MIP & DUI & poss. public intox charges etc...) he wouldn't pass a background investigation.

[NeuroTypical]

Ok - thanks for the confirmation. I'm really not trying to be offensive or anything. From what I can tell, there are two schools of thought on how to treat kids doing dumb stuff like this. Reject them, or accept them. I am absolutely not wise enough to advocate one way or the other. I know that both can be done with love and concern as the motivating factor.

My wife is firmly in the 'accept them' camp, and I've seen her work miracles. Her most recent case is a girl who got kicked out of her house by her good christian parents because she claimed to be gay. Her girlfriend broke up with her, so she took a dive out of a 2nd story window. None of the 'good people' in her life will give her the time of day. Her support system rests with the GLBT people, the drug scene, and maybe my wife if she can get to her in time.

I don't have the right answer. If I did, I'd write a book and get rich. I've just seen love without judgement, describing consequences without providing them, and being there to kiss the boo-boos once the consequence has been reached, and I've seen that work miracles.

[confuzzled]

I agree Loudmouth infact I agree 100% and I guess what I didn't express is that I did tell my nephew that I still love him and I always will. I also still very much believe that he has the potential to do what I do and be even better at it ..........but.................. if he doesn't change his behavior/actions that path will be closed. That is and was the point I truly hope came across.