To stay or to go.

[needingadvice]

I've been married for 7 years, we have a 3 year old.

My husband has been abusive... emotionally/verbally/economically/spiritually and he did hit me once too (it was over a year ago). He is VERY immature and selfish. He does little to help with our child who has special needs. He plays with her, only when he feels like it.. that is IT. He spends 99% of his time at work or on the computer playing games. He tells me we don't need counseling. He still goes back and forth blaming me for the abuse. He has gone to the bishop and SP but that has not helped him to take responsibility. I can't see having another child with him. I'm 29 and I feel like if I am going to hope to remarry and have more children this is a good time to do it, 5 years from now and I will just be 5 years older. I left my daughter with him a month ago to go to the temple and came home to find her asleep on the family room carpet with only a diaper on (it was in the 30s outside.. probably 68 inside but still too cold to wear nothing... he siad it was too hard to change her clothes (she threw a fit)) and he had "forgotten" to give her dinner. He also frequently "forgets" to change her diaper if I leave him with her. I don't really feel love for him, I don't respect or trust him. The only reason I have stayed is the stake president asking me if I have done everything possible to save the marriage. Well, I did try and try, but now I just don't want to keep trying. I feel guilty that I just want to be out. I don't want to keep going on this cycle. That and at the moment I am a stay at home mom, which is what I've always wanted to be, more than ANYTHING. Plus my kid has a disability so I feel like she does need extra attention that I'm not sure I will be able to give her as a single mom. Meanwhile I am really not happy. I want so badly to have a more normal marriage and more children. WDYT?

[Jennarator]

Go to your bishop and get counseloring on your own. Once you feel like you have tried everything, I would say call it quits.

Also, even tho it was a year ago, he hit you, for me (tho I am not your bishop) that is ground for divorce.

Emtional abuse and child neglect are grounds in my book, too. Really, I would go to the bishop and let him know you are ready to leave. He will counsel you and you will need to pray and decide from there.

I feel for you, I went thru very similar, with the abuse and child neglect. My brother lived next door and would call me and tell me my daughter was being neglected and crying for hours on end while my ex was outside drinking and doing drugs. She often had soiled diapers and such.

[AGStacker]

Tell your husband if he does not change you will leave. Give him time. If he loves you he will improve himself in every way and if not then he probably doesn't care. Most likely he loves you but is extremely comfortable and thinks everything is fine.

Don't just leave.

[needingadvice]

I HAVE been telling him to change since my daugther was born 3 years ago. He's gotten better in some ways but is still nowhere near where he needs to be for me to trust him and have another baby with him.. I told him that and he said its my own fault and problem if I have issues trusting him. And that I just need to get over it.

I am in counseling. My counselor is pushing for me to leave. The bishop/SP know everything though they haven't been helpful to me.

[AGStacker]

I HAVE been telling him to change since my daugther was born 3 years ago. He's gotten better in some ways but is still nowhere near where he needs to be for me to trust him and have another baby with him.. I told him that and he said its my own fault and problem if I have issues trusting him. And that I just need to get over it.

I am in counseling. My counselor is pushing for me to leave. The bishop/SP know everything though they haven't been helpful to me.

But did you tell him that you'll leave? I said to tell him that you would leave if he didn't make any changes. Just telling him to change without any potential consequences will most likely go unheeded.

[JudoMinja]

Telling him you will leave IF he doesn't change, I think, won't get you anywhere. He is going to keep doing what he is doing because it works for him. He gets what he wants, and he thinks you are at least happy and satisfied enough that you aren't leaving. You need to make it VERY CLEAR what you will and will not tolerate. How do you do that? You currently do not want to tolerate his behavior. So leave. Stipulate that if he wants you to come back, he will get his act together and tell him what you want him to do. If he does it, you can go back. If he doesn't, file for divorce.

[Jennarator]

I gave my ex lots of dates to change by, I didn't follow thru, he was shocked when I did. Don't do that. If you make a date, stick to it.

[prisonchaplain]

While it sounds like your husband is irresponsible and does not care, there may be a way, short of divorce. As others have suggested, give him a date and stick to it...but make it a time of separation. If necessary, make it a legal separation. If he cares, he will try to win you back. If not, your ultimate divorce will be on the grounds of abandonment. It probably already feels like that. Find out if there is any hope...give him an opportunity to change. it may be that the separation will awaken in him the love that caused him to want to marry you. If not, you'll know you gave it your best try, and you probably won't struggle as much with guilt.

Does Marriage Separation Usually Lead to a Divorce?

Advantages & Disadvantages of a Legal Marital Separation | eHow.com

Edited November 9, 2011 by prisonchaplain

[Guest mormonmusic]

I have been in your position before -- on the verge of leaving because of a spouse which doesn't help.

I suggest the following to help you decide:

Here is what I recommend:

1. Do what I will call the MarriageBuilders Test. Go over the site Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and see if there is more you can do to trigger love in your relationship. This can help restore your love. It helped our marriage in your situation. Do this until you're convinced its not working.

2. If the marriagebuilders test fails, do the Single Test. How would you feel not having your spouse in your life anymore? Could you embrace that? Or would you feel depressed about it, miss them, etcetera? If your answer is "I think I'd be happier without them", then move on to the Aftermath Test.

2. Do the Aftermath Test. How would you feel having shared parenting, for the next 15 or so years, the cost of divorce, impact on your children, limitations on where you can take your travel, or even move, depending on the laws of your state? Is it worth it given yoru vision of a life without your spouse, and with someone who meets your needs? If you're not sure what the aftermath with be, then see a lawyer and figure out what you will have to do if you get a divorce. Also, consider the odds of finding a suitable partner in the future given your current life situation.

3. If you want divorce after the Aftermath Test then do the Informal Separation Test. Tell your spouse that you are leaving until they decidesto go to counseling. If they call you during the informal separation, be business-like, brief, and focus the conversation on the problem -- their lack of willingness to go to counselling and any issues in your marriage that are unaddressed.

4. If you fail these tests (meaning your heart wants divorce given the loneliness and aftermath costs and your spouse won't respond), then do the Intervention Initiative. Pray with real intent about your desire to leave your marriage, and plead with God to intervene. Put a reasonable time frame in your mind, withought demanding it, and pray for Him to do his work. My marriage turned around at this phase, although I did have some brief Informal Separation Tests leading up to it, described next....

5. If they agree to counseling, do it. If they refuse after a reasonable time, then I would initiate a divorce.

I don't agree that marriage can be a one-way service street. This is only true to a point. Marriages simply do not survive when one individual's needs go unmet for long periods of time. Although we are ultimately responsible for our actions, stubborness on meeting basic emotional needs by a spouse can lead to vulnerability to adultery and other problems. I never thought I would be tempted, but the gaping hole of unmet needs can create a powerful, near uncontrollable desire for those needs to be met.

And its simply not fair that one spouse enjoys all the benefits and happiness while the other spouse languishes in the misery of unmet needs.

I feel for you -- as I have had similar feelings. Fortunately, my wife eventually tries a bit to meet my needs and I swing back into a state of moderate happiness, recognizing it is only for a stretch. But it is enough to keep me going. Have done so for almost 20 years.

Incidentally -- I don't subscribe to the "see your Bishop" advice anymore. Unless he's a trained counselor, you will get anecdotal advice. I would approach him if he needed to know my situation so he could judge if I needed to be released from a calling, or if I needed financial assistance (never have, thank goodness), but they really are not trained or prepared to give solid advice. You need repeated visits with a counselor to solve this problem.

I often wonder how Bishop's and STake Presidents are even considered qualified to give such counseling with a license. They are spiritual advisors, albeit lay ones, not marriage counselors...but that is another story.

Edited November 10, 2011 by mormonmusic

[RMGuy]

The opposite of love is not hate....it is indifference.

-RM

[Suzie]

See the bishop? Sure, but FIRST please get professional advise from a lawyer as well as a professional psychologist. You have been a victim or physical and mental abuse. On top of all that and based on your account, your husband has been neglecting your daughter. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that things can get even uglier.

Please take care of yourself and protect your daughter from any harm. Yes, you can listen to the counsel from your Bishop, family, friends, strangers on the internet...but ultimately, none of us are living YOUR life therefore please think carefully about the decision you will take. Safety for you and your child should be PARAMOUNT.

[mirkwood]

He hit you once...he will do something physical again. Report it to the police when it happens again.

[twort]

It sounds like you already know what you want to do...