I am fearful..

[Bini]

I need some good vibes.

My husband and I watched conference, and I was completely overwhelmed by it, I cried with just about every personal story shared - I haven't been this hormonal since my pregnancy. For the most part, I was left feeling a sense of wholeness and security but come Sunday night, I was feeling a boatload of anxiety. I couldn't sleep, my mind kept racing, over-thinking stuff etc. Not sure why I had this shift in mood, especially, after we had prayed together for the night, and that usually brings me comfort.

Anyway, as some of you know, I have slowly got back into the swing of things (activeness) starting in January. That's when DH and I made the commitment to attend church every Sunday, even if, we only went to sacrament meeting. On a sidenote, we have extended our Sunday schedule to class, as well. Yay us. Alright so, I started getting these uneasy feelings Sunday night. I couldn't sleep for the life of me. I must have laid in bed for several hours before the restlessness just consumed me - then I was up - literally. We don't have any scriptures or the BOM laying about the house, so I sat in our living room and started reading 'Standing for Something' by Gordon B. Hinckley. My dad gave me the book awhile back with a personal message inside - I figured I was bound to get good feelings from reading it. I did, I felt uplifted and encouraged to be better, live better. But this heavyweight kept baring down on me. I eventually figured out what it was.. It took me all night though. I am petrified of the unknown - but I've never been so in the past - even when I was inactive and living astray. I just always had the mindset that "what will be, will be". However, now, I feel like I actually have things in my life to lose.. Does that make sense?

I understand the basics of the atonement. And I keep hearing people reiterate, that if you have faith and follow through with the Lord's plan, you'll be at peace. I just had a family member die recently and it was amazing how different people within the family handled it. Most felt like it was his time but others had a different perspective - they KNEW they'd see him again - and they KNEW that he and his wife would be together in the next life because of their eternal marriage. I believe all this is achievable as well but I feel like I'm falling short somewhere.. I realised that I am fearful of death. I'm fearful of not knowing with absolute certainty - that I'll even BE - once I become dust. I'm fearful that the people I know and love in this life - will be nonexistent in the next. What if there's just a void of nothingness when we die? For the record, I know that's not the case, and when I'm feeling inspired I feel a lot more absoluteness about it. But that night, and the next day, I felt like I just really didn't know for CERTAIN. That really bothered me because I feel like I've made such big strides in the last year, in regards to, becoming active again in the church and having faith.

As long as I'm fearful of the unknown and have uncertainty - does that mean I don't truly understand the atonement and don't truly have a testimony? I admit that I've never had a strong testimony, I always struggled but.. I always felt that I had one - always. Sorry this is so long.. Any words of comfort or.. anything that might be encouraging to someone in my spot?

Thanks guys.

[skalenfehl]

The Spirit is speaking to you. It has begun working in you like a mustard seed. With all my heart, I recommend you find a copy of the Book of Mormon asap and begin a serious study of it. There are many layers of truth and understanding within it, but are plain to understand the more you read it. I have read it nine times this year and I just started studying it again.

I am still learning new things and making new connections, especially with the intent of the Abrahamic Covenant to Israel. Nephi expounds on this to his brothers and through Isaiah. Abainadi touches on it, as does Jesus Christ when He visits the Nephites. That's the meatier side of it. You will learn very basic gospel truths, too as the many prophets teach and generations are converted. I promise that your mind and your heart will be opened when you begin reading this book. You will also feel a power develop in your life as well and your testimony will grow. All my best to you and your husband. And feel free to ask as many questions about it. I love this true book and am happy to share all of my insight with anyone.

[Iggy]

Bini,

Ask your Ward Missionaries for a copy of the Book of Mormon. Then read it.

When I reactivated after 30 years of living astray, I was constantly crying. I could barely read the Ensign without crying. Experienced the feeling of being overwhelmed. Boy Howdy, have I experienced it! Quit wearing mascara, make-up because of the constant crying!

As Skalenfehl said, it is the Holy Ghost testifying to you. After a year and a few months I was in the Temple, doing Initiatory's- and the tears were so intense that the Temple Matron came, took me aside and asked if I would like to take a break, or go do an Endowment session. I told her no, I really felt that the women needed for me to finish. She asked that we pray and ask the Holy Ghost and the Sisters I was doing the work for to tone it down a bit. That I was too overwhelmed and needed them to ease up on the rejoicing and for the Holy Ghost to hold back and after the last sister received the initiatory - THEN go ahead and have at me.

I was then able to finish the work for 15 more Sisters, and as I sat in the dressing room, the Holy Ghost poured out the truth of temple work. After about 20 minutes of basking in this I went on to do only one Endowment. Though, sitting in the Celestial Room, I felt ALL of the Sisters I had done initiatory's for (25 of them), they were so joyful.

From that day on, when I am too overwhelmed by the Holy Ghost- I pray and ask for him to tone it down a bit. I believe- I will never leave the narrow path again - I trust that He will always be with me, just dial it back a wee bit.

[MarginOfError]

What you're going through is pretty normal. I know saying that probably doesn't make it easier to bear, but you're not weird or anything. In times like these, I like to reiterate what I call the grapefruit principle.

I like grapefruit. I really like grapefruit. I could eat grapefruit every day. And how do I know that I like grapefruit? Well, I tried it. I ate a grapefruit once and said, "mmm, this is yummy." But once wasn't enough to convince me that I like grapefruit. I had to eat it several times more. After many experiments of eating grapefruit, all of which resulted in me saying "mmm, this is yummy," I came to the conclusion that I really like grapefruit.

Spiritual testimonies grow in the same way. We are exposed to a truth of the gospel, and it makes us feel good. After being exposed several times, it continues to feel good. Our testimony develops after repeated exposure with the same result. Eventually, we become confident in asserting what we have learned.

For many of us, this process began when we were children, and so we hadn't developed the strong skepticisms that you're exhibiting. For many of us, the skepticisms were applied after we had already developed our testimonies and were fairly easy to brush aside. You're doing the process a little in reverse; your spiritual development is having to supplant your skepticisms now. There's nothing wrong with that, but it isn't easy.

Hop online sometime today and search the phrase "mighty change of heart" in the scriptures. This is what you're feeling. While your heart is changing, you'll have some natural struggle as the old you resists giving up those familiar and comfortable skepticisms for new and unfamiliar spiritual growth. That's part of how we grow.

Just remember this:

Seeing people that knew they'd see their family members again felt good.

Doubting whether you'll exist after you die feels not-so-good.

Eat your grapefruit.

[Vort]

As long as I'm fearful of the unknown and have uncertainty - does that mean I don't truly understand the atonement and don't truly have a testimony? I admit that I've never had a strong testimony, I always struggled but.. I always felt that I had one - always. Sorry this is so long.. Any words of comfort or.. anything that might be encouraging to someone in my spot?

Thanks guys.

No, it means that you are aware of your situation in mortality. You are among those who have "viewed themselves in their own carnal state" (Mosiah 4:2) and are becoming aware of the enormous gulf between you and God. But that gulf can be bridged -- is being bridged, every day, by people just like you.

You have to see and understand that gulf. It's part of spiritually growing up. But, seeing it, you then learn to become dependent on the mercies of Jesus' atonement.

Try not to fear. Have faith. God loves you as much as he loves anyone else, and will happily save you if you will accept the atonement of Christ. Just keep walking the path. You're doing fine.

[HiJolly]

Certainty comes from the sub-conscious thought processes that we can't consciously control. This is the source of testimony. Joseph Smith taught that faith is a principle of action, a source of power, and a gift from God to those who do what is right.

It comes through living our lives in accordance with our values. As we live without deception the sub-conscious mind loses its fear and uncertainty, re-aligns itself to your new values, and leads you into spiritual experiences such as faith.

You've made a shift in conscious belief, and your sub-conscious mind is adjusting. Believe that you are following a path of truth. Trust in God. It will all come right, and you will not only experience certainty, but hope.

HiJolly

[Backroads]

I've come to learn the feelings of the Spirit are not always happy-fluffy-feel-good. I'm sure this is what you need to be feeling. You're probably in a state of disequilibrium, coming to terms with this positive change in your life. Use this as a time to pray, meditate, and study.

[Bini]

I've come to learn the feelings of the Spirit are not always happy-fluffy-feel-good. I'm sure this is what you need to be feeling. You're probably in a state of disequilibrium, coming to terms with this positive change in your life. Use this as a time to pray, meditate, and study.

I actually felt depressed at a point.

[Bini]

Am I understanding this correctly? Once I get through this learning and growing stage, developing a strong and unwavering testimony, that means that I will no longer question or have uncertainties of the gospel? What if I never get to that point where I feel fearless of the unknowns, despite living by the Lord's plan and building/believing in faith? I guess part of my question is, can one be fearful of the unknowns even if he or she has a testimony of Christ? Just seems like, if one truly acknowledges the Lord's gospel and lives by it - there should be no fear - just certainty.

Thank you for your replies. I was mistaken, we do have BOM somewhere in the house. I'll need to look for it or at the very least, get one from a missionary at church.

[rameumptom]

Bini,

Your fears are normal. They come from our fallen state. Because of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, we all know there are risks, dangers and death awaiting us. We know that life is filled with light and darkness, happiness and sadness, pleasure and pain.

When we exercise faith and hope (which go together), we partake of the Tree of Life. The fruit of this Tree is the atonement of Christ. We must learn to have faith that his atonement is sufficient for us, even with our weaknesses. And then have hope that we will be lifted up by him and brought back with our family back into God's presence. The world will try and distract us into fearing what we know. God wants us to take the leap of faith and trust what we believe. Therein lies the peace, comfort and joy of the gospel.

When I can say, "yes, there are many tragic things in the world, but Christ will heal all things", then we can be at peace even through the toughest things. He can then empower us with miracles and wonders, and the Comforter.

You do not have to be perfect, as it is not an all or nothing event. It is a process of perfection. You start with faith (or even a desire to believe - Alma 32), which allows you to plant the seed of faith and the Word into your heart. Then as you nourish it by repentance and faithfulness and partake of the ordinances (baptism, Sacrament, temple), it begins to grow in your bosom as you feel the Spirit work within you. You become converted to a higher level of faith and faithfulness and joy. Then the cycle starts over, lifting you to ever higher levels of faith, peace and joy. Eventually, the Holy Spirit becomes your "constant companion" as you grow more Christ-like in faith.

The only question for any of us is: are we willing to let go of the Tree of Knowledge long enough to partake of the Tree of Life?

[Windseeker]

I loved conference but I've become aware of how I often walk away struggling with anger towards my spouse and disatisfaction with my family. I need to repent and focus on the mote in my eye for sure. I should walk away more forgiving, patient and understanding, but I struggle with feelings of anger and frustration. I'm at least aware of it, I just wish it wasn't so difficult to keep the focus on myself and things I need to work on.

[rameumptom]

BTW, the Book of Mormon is available online as both text and audio at lds.org

There's no reason to wait for a physical copy, when you have internet access. I now use the the Internet and my Kindle's scriptures as much or more than my hard copy.

Remember, the love of Christ casteth out all fear. He is just waiting for us to stop rebelling against the atonement and embrace Him. Just as Alma the younger went around rebelling, he had to surrender to Christ. Once he did, he was immediately brought into God's presence and the joy of the atonement, forever changed.

Are we ready to begin believing and embracing the atonement? Or are we just too stubborn to believe, to repent, to accept what he is offering us?

[rameumptom]

Windseeker, recognizing your weakness is the beginning of healing. The way to stop judging them, is to love them more. Pray with all the energy of heart that God will fill you with Christ-like love and charity; and he will give you that gift freely (Moroni 7:48).

Satan's doctrine is contention (3 Ne 11), which usually begins with someone making unrighteous judgments against others. We need to pray for ourselves and others. In praying for ourselves, seek forgiveness for being judgmental, and asking to have that love which does not judge unrighteously. Then we should pray for those we love that they may feel God's and our love for them. (see Enos). We shouldn't necessarily pray that God will change them in ways we want them changed, but to fill them with God's love and forgiveness and mercy, so they may change in God's time and manner.

[beefche]

Am I understanding this correctly? Once I get through this learning and growing stage, developing a strong and unwavering testimony, that means that I will no longer question or have uncertainties of the gospel? What if I never get to that point where I feel fearless of the unknowns, despite living by the Lord's plan and building/believing in faith? I guess part of my question is, can one be fearful of the unknowns even if he or she has a testimony of Christ? Just seems like, if one truly acknowledges the Lord's gospel and lives by it - there should be no fear - just certainty.

You will likely still feel fears and doubts on occasion. We live in an imperfect world and are imperfect people. Bad things still happen to us and those we love. They can give us a good jolt. Having faith in Christ and enduring to the end means that despite those jolts, fears, uncertainties, you still choose to believe Jesus and choose to believe what He says is true and will happen at some point.

There are points of doctrine, scriptures, history, etc. that we all have to deal with. Some of them make us fearful. But, faith in Christ will push out that fear as we focus on keeping the commandments as best we can.

[Bini]

I like that quote.. "The only question for any of us is: are we willing to let go of the Tree of Knowledge long enough to partake of the Tree of Life?" It really gets to the gravy of things.

Yes, understood, I know that none of us will ever achieve perfection in this life - ever. I'm just concerned with my current mindset of doubt and uncertainty.. I want to know - KNOW - that these feelings will go away 100% as I grow fonder of the gospel and live by it. I want to know that this is possible. Still, I fall very short, I know that I'm a prideful and rebellious soul. But I know that I can't forget the progress that I've made too.

Oh and yes, I forgot that I could go online. I'll do that.

[Vort]

Am I understanding this correctly? Once I get through this learning and growing stage, developing a strong and unwavering testimony, that means that I will no longer question or have uncertainties of the gospel?

Oh, no, not at all. You will never "get through this learning and growing stage". You might complete one phase of growth, at which you will rejoice -- but then you will begin another. That is the nature of our lives here: We never stop growing. At least, we don't if we're doing things right. And since growth is always at least a bit uncomfortable, we are never completely at ease. But that's all right. As our testimony strengthens and deepens, we find ourselves stronger and able to take on ever more difficult burdens with greater ease.

At some point, we look back on our own struggles in the past and think, "Why did such a small thing bother me so much, or why was it so hard for me to deal with that thing?" Then we see others dealing with the same things that pained us, and hopefully we have patience and forebearance toward their struggles.

It's a joyful thing, Bini. That is the important thing to remember. Man is that he might have joy (same with women :)). The gospel is valuable to us only because it provides us the path to the greatest joy, both in this life and in eternity. We will always have troubles in life; anyone who says differently is, in the wise words of The Princess Bride, trying to sell you something. The gospel shows us how to find joy and even contentment in the midst of such trials and vicissitudes.

What if I never get to that point where I feel fearless of the unknowns, despite living by the Lord's plan and building/believing in faith? I guess part of my question is, can one be fearful of the unknowns even if he or she has a testimony of Christ? Just seems like, if one truly acknowledges the Lord's gospel and lives by it - there should be no fear - just certainty.

You do not know your own strength. One thing the gospel helps provide is a view of ourselves that we cannot otherwise get.

Few of us have managed to banish all fear from our lives. We struggle to have faith in dark times, the bishop and Relief Society president perhaps as much as the newest convert. But we learn to have faith and banish fear, step by step. We depend on each other in the ward (and maybe even in forums such as this) to encourage and strengthen each other. We pray fervently and read scriptures so that we can learn the words of truth and teachings and revelations that will help us endure strongly and joyfully to the end -- and "the end" is eternal life.

[HiJolly]

Am I understanding this correctly? Once I get through this learning and growing stage, developing a strong and unwavering testimony, that means that I will no longer question or have uncertainties of the gospel?

No, that's not right. We all experience different stages of faith throughout our lives. And I am convinced that I will have to be humble and teachable all throughout my life. Every time I think I have conquered a personal sin, the Holy Ghost shows me another one I never even knew existed, and tells me I must 'fix' that sin as well.

So too, every time I learn some really cool thing about the Gospel, I discover that this knowledge opens my view of the world / heavens and *bingo!* I have a bunch MORE things to learn. It's beautiful, though, because as I go through this, peace, joy and beauty surround me.

Feeling the Holy Ghost's guidance is not always 'fun', but it's always worth it!

What if I never get to that point where I feel fearless of the unknowns, despite living by the Lord's plan and building/believing in faith? I guess part of my question is, can one be fearful of the unknowns even if he or she has a testimony of Christ? Just seems like, if one truly acknowledges the Lord's gospel and lives by it - there should be no fear - just certainty.

I agree with you, but I also think that perfect faith is pretty tough to have, 100% of the time. I have a huge amount of certainty about gospel principles, less about the Church, and even less about myself. And when I have to exercise faith, sometimes I get a bit of doubt mixed in. Sometimes? Lots of times. Especially when the stakes are high. But my 'less certainty' is still very strong. And my doubt gives me a chance to talk with God, to pour out my soul to Him. And He is there with me. Not always giving me answers the way I want them, but always leading me onward and upward.

HiJolly

Edited April 3, 2012 by HiJolly

[slamjet]

Am I understanding this correctly? Once I get through this learning and growing stage, developing a strong and unwavering testimony, that means that I will no longer question or have uncertainties of the gospel? What if I never get to that point where I feel fearless of the unknowns, despite living by the Lord's plan and building/believing in faith? I guess part of my question is, can one be fearful of the unknowns even if he or she has a testimony of Christ? Just seems like, if one truly acknowledges the Lord's gospel and lives by it - there should be no fear - just certainty.

My experience:

We all have a want to control what is around us. Scripturally, it's referred to as "our will." However, the only thing we can give to our Father in Heaven that he cannot take from us is "our will." So the start of our journey is to have that tiny bit of faith so that we start to let go of our will and turn it over to God. Paradoxically, the more we obey God's commandments and let go of ourselves means that we are more fully turning our will over to Him resulting in more freedom for ourselves and being less afraid of the uncertainty of our future.

Personally, it wasn't until I began to let go, start searching for and slowly begin to obey God's commandments along with pleading with God to not help, but take command of everything that was going wrong, that life started to come under control. It is so counterintuitive; let go of control to get control. My hope is to someday get to that point of certainty. But alas, I'm still on that journey. However, I am so much more comfortable with letting go and knowing that so long as I keep striving to obey God that he will continue to take control and teach me how to listen for his guidance.

True obedience comes with a progression of our faith. True certainty is the blessing that comes from our obedience.

Edited April 3, 2012 by slamjet

[classylady]

Bini, I cried when I read your post. Not because I was saddened by what you had to say, but because I have felt to some extent what you have felt. It just brought back so many memories. There was a time in my life, even though I had a wonderful testimony, where I felt I had strayed from the Gospel. I was afraid to die, even though I knew there was life after death. I had had wonderful experiences from departed loved ones. But, even though I knew that truth, I was still fearful of death. For me, it was because I knew I wasn't living the way Father would have me live. I was married at the time, but not sealed. I knew my husband and I and our young son needed to have those sealing ordinances in our lives. After we were sealed in the temple it was as if a huge weight was lifted from me. I felt so much more at peace.

Also, keep in mind that testimony can be fragile. Even for someone who has a strong testimony, they can lose it. Having a strong testimony does not mean that you'll never have questions or uncertainties. But, it will help you get through those rough patches in your faith. Whenever I am having a rough time, I can think back to those times when I know I have felt the Spirit, and I will get down on my knees and pour out my misgivings to my Father. My faith is strengthened by remembering my past spiritual experiences, prayer, and reading the scriptures or other church material.

One other thought: for me, even though I could understand intellectually what the atonement meant, I had a hard time coming to terms that the atonement was for ME. I could apply the atonement to everyone else, but I had a hard time accepting it for myself. I was my harshest judge. I had a hard time forgiving myself. Once I emotionally understood that the atonement was for ME, and that the Savior would only be disappointed in me if I didn't repent, did I really begin to forgive myself. I had a wonderful spiritual experience in learning that the Savior loved me, even with all my imperfections. That was another huge burden lifted from my shoulders.

I don't know if this helps any. Sending you hugs!

Edited April 3, 2012 by classylady

[Bini]

Thanks everyone.

Feeling better today in comparison to how I felt a few days ago. I know that these feelings will occasionally pop up here and there, and it's important not to become disheartened over it. Anyway, DH and I have been having some intense discussions over the gospel and BOM. I will note, however, we are having a horrible time understanding - or rather - "getting into" what we read (in both the Bible and BOM). Is it terrible to read them and feel like we're just going through the motions of it? Can I develop a strengthened testimony without reading the BOM?

ETA.

My mum has never read the BOM but she has a testimony of Christ and the gospel. When I say "never", I'm referring to the fact that she has never read it independently. So I suppose it's possible? Can we receive inspiration and revelation in other forms? Like Joseph Smith did? He just prayed - and he knew..

Edited April 5, 2012 by Bini

[Dravin]

I will note, however, we are having a horrible time understanding - or rather - "getting into" what we read (in both the Bible and BOM). Is it terrible to read them and feel like we're just going through the motions of it? Can I develop a strengthened testimony without reading the BOM?

Do you mean getting into as in being able to understand/comprehend it well enough to absorb it (if it's so much dibberish it's hard to get into something). Or are you understanding it but just having a hard time appreciating your time spent in the scriptures?

In the first case I suggest making use of study manuals to help with comprehension ( Institute Courses and Manuals - LDS Institute or the Gospel Doctrine OT/NT/BOM/DC Study Guides/Teacher's Manuals). If the second, I suggest perseverance, if there is any element of the first (lack of comprehension) it can seriously hinder appreciating time in the scriptures, so if that is present at all I suggest tackling it first.

[Vort]

we are having a horrible time understanding - or rather - "getting into" what we read (in both the Bible and BOM). Is it terrible to read them and feel like we're just going through the motions of it?

No, it's not "terrible". But you will not always feel like that. After you and your husband get more familiar with how scriptures sound and the cadence they follow, they will really start opening up to you. It's a matter of getting your ear attuned.

Can I develop a strengthened testimony without reading the BOM?

Yes, in the sense that you can get in better shape without exercising. Just eating well is enough to help you get healthier. But if you really want to be strong and fit, at some point exercise of some sort is essential. Similarly, you can pray, live a clean life, and fellowship with the Saints, and that will help increase your testimony and strengthen your faith. But if you really want to understand and know the word of God, at some point you will have to incorporate scripture study of some sort into your routine.

My mum has never read the BOM but she has a testimony of Christ and the gospel. When I say "never", I'm referring to the fact that she has never read it independently. So I suppose it's possible? Can we receive inspiration and revelation in other forms? Like Joseph Smith did? He just prayed - and he knew..

Let me note that Joseph Smith studied the Bible from his youth. It was his Bible reading that led him to "ask of God" (James 1:5) and thus receive the "First Vision".

If you don't feel you are strong in studying scriptures yet, that's fine. Don't worry about it. But don't stop studying! Keep at it. Like doing pushups, you will eventually (probably soon) get strong from the effort. Don't be discouraged! It might take weeks or even a few months, but soon enough you will start feeling the strength that comes from regular scripture study.

[JudoMinja]

Man is that he might have joy (same with women :)).

Vort used a smilie!!!

Ahem. Back on topic.

There are different levels to testimony. It's just like building on any other kind of knowledge, and it how quickly or easily it comes to you will also depend on how strongly rooted you are in your basics. Start off slow and see where it takes you. The articles of faith are a great tool for study, since they build on one another in a manner similar to how a testimony develops.

Ask yourself if YOU "believe in God the Eternal Father, and in His Son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost". If there is any wavering, any uncertainty, start studying. Dig up everything you can find on the topic of God, His existence, and His nature, and study it out and pray about it. When you feel that you can strongly say that "Yes, I DO believe this", you can move on to the next step.

Ask yourself if YOU "believe that man will be punished for his own sins and not for Adams transgression". Same process. Etc, etc, so on and so forth until you reach article 13.

Much of what you will need to read and study to strengthen your testimony will be in the Bible and Book of Mormon, so reading them will just naturally come as part of your study. However, a testimony of the Book of Mormon and Bible themselves are only step 8 in your testimony- if you follow the path with the articles of faith. It is perfectly possible to have a testiomony of say... tithing, or Joseph Smith's vision without actually reading the scriptures- but the scriptures give you a greater foundation on which to build your testimony. As you read them again and again, you will find yourself digging out more and more that supports your faith.

So, yes, it is possible to have a testimony without reading the BoM... but making study of the BoM a fervent and important part of your testimony building experience will give you a stronger and more sure foundation, and more deeply root your testimony within you.