Texting while out with friends

[Guest xforeverxmetalx]

So I got into a discussion today with a friend of mine about what's acceptable and what's rude concerning using phones and other technology when you're with other friends - for example, at a cheap restaurant or elsewhere. I figured most everyone knew that excessive texting with a third party when you're with someone isn't too polite but she had never heard of the idea. She claimed that everyone did it so it must be alright (keep in mind we're 21 - these kinds of things likely vary by age). I don't personally have an issue with a few texts or looking something up on a smartphone but I do get annoyed with her having entire conversations via text when we're out.

Since there was such a large contrast I figured I'd get a few more opinions. What do you all think?

Edited May 9, 2012 by xforeverxmetalx

[log2]

When I was your age, I had to walk uphill in the snow, both ways, to take a date to the local MacDonald's Restaurant, where both of us would read a book to ourselves while uttering the occasional "Um," "Ah," and "Well, I never..."

Strangely, it wasn't too conducive to interpersonal communications with each other. But if we wanted to talk to each other, we wouldn't have been using our texts, now, would we?

[pam]

The OP reminds me of this:

[Guest]

Sigh. I have friends in their mid-40's that do this. Even not texting... we'd be having a lunch - now, we only get an hour for lunch usually - we'd be in the middle of a conversation and my friend would go look up a picture on her phone that she wanted to show us and, of course, there would be 3,000 pictures on her phone, so she'd be talking to us for 15 minutes all the while looking for a picture... and you can tell she's not tracking the convo... it's like watching a person driving down the street, swerving all over the place while she does whatever she has to do on her phone...

I'd say, it's okay, just send me the picture later, and she would say, no, no, it's here somewhere... And then to make matters worse, facebook would go "ding" while she's looking for the picture and so she'd tap on it to go to facebook "just for a sec" to respond to whatever comment came up...

Yea, really really annoying.

Okay, so we watched Les Miserables at the theater over the weekend... paid $100 for the seats and we were dressed to the nines. Valjean starts his soliloquy and this iPhone two rows down glows and the whole song was sung while this girl chatted with some person on the phone, distracting all of us (little bright screen in a dark theater... sigh).

I mean, okay, so there were these 2 "signers" on the side interpretting the entire play to the deaf and I find myself getting distracted by the very graceful hand motions that I sometimes find myself moving my head like I'm watching a tennis match... stage to signers to stage... but, at least, the 2 signers were wearing all black so only their faces and hands are clearly visible and the light over them was that soft yellow glow...

Anyway, back to electronics... my family has a rule. When we're talking, you make eye contact. That means - no electronics, and no books. TV is not allowed at dinner. It's plainly a sign of RESPECT to show 100% attention to the person you are spending time with. Of course, there are times when my husband's work calls in the middle of dinner, so we allow for that.

[Mahone]

Unfortunately I get all sorts of work related SMS messages (mostly automated) at all times of day and night, some of which aren't particularly important, but others that can require action quickly.

While I wouldn't read facebook messages in these situations, I don't have a lot of choice but to keep checking my phone sporadically for the more important stuff.

[JudoMinja]

I answered "Depends on the situation" for your poll, because I believe texting while with someone else should be avoided excepting for such things like emergencies, waiting for an important response to something, or checking in on a babysitter, etc. I think it is just plain rude and wrong to have your attention on your phone while you are supposed to be spending time with another person, yet that person should be able to be understanding of a few quick messages to check on kids or needing to leave your phone on for an emergency.

[pam]

How did we ever survive before cell phones and texting I shall never know. Oh wait..I do know.

[JudoMinja]

How did we ever survive before cell phones and texting I shall never know. Oh wait..I do know.

I like how handy they are for the reason I stated above- emergencies. It is great to have a quick method of contacting others on hand, so that you can coordinate and respond faster should there be an emergency in need of attention. While I was babysitting for my brother, for example, one of his kids got a severe bump on the head and I wasn't sure if she would need to go to the hospital or not. I couldn't drive her there myself because I did not have a vehicle with enough seats for all the kids, so I needed to either call an ambulance or contact my brother. His cell phone was off, but I tried my mother first and she was able to talk me through what I needed to check before deciding to call an ambulance. And since my brother had no landline phone, I had to make these calls with my own cell-phone.

So, cell-phones are wonderfully useful. It's not that I couldn't survive without them, couldn't find ways to get in touch with who I needed to without them, or couldn't wait to find out about things until I could check an answering machine... but it is such a comfort to know that if there is an emergency, I can be contacted immediately or can contact someone else immediately. I just expect those who need to get in touch with me to respect the fact that if it is not an emergency I won't always respond right away.

Aside from that though- I think cell-phones get immensely overused and that many people are basically addicted to them. Especially the newer "smart" phones that allow people to be linked to facebook, twitter, etc 24/7. It is especially annoying when someone with a smart phones works on the assumption that everyone has one and everyone has facebook and that everyone checks their email and messages and status the moment they hear a beep. My cell is a little basic flip phone that doesn't even have a camera. And I don't plan on upgrading as I don't need to.

Matters of ettiqutte, propriety, and manners aside- people in general have become far too dependant on their phones.

[beefche]

So I got into a discussion today with a friend of mine about what's acceptable and what's rude concerning using phones and other technology when you're with other friends - for example, at a cheap restaurant or elsewhere. I figured most everyone knew that excessive texting with a third party when you're with someone isn't too polite but she had never heard of the idea. She claimed that everyone did it so it must be alright (keep in mind we're 21 - these kinds of things likely vary by age). I don't personally have an issue with a few texts or looking something up on a smartphone but I do get annoyed with her having entire conversations via text when we're out.

Since there was such a large contrast I figured I'd get a few more opinions. What do you all think?

Are your friends ok with you interrupting them each and every time they begin a sentence?

Friend: I saw a movie the...

You: Wait! I have an important thought!

Friend: Ok, what is....

You: I think my hair looks lovely!

Friend: Yes, your....

You: And I like my eyeshadow!

Friend: Well, I think....

You: Oh, look! It's Mike!

Honestly, would your friend think it isn't rude if you did that each and every time they tried to talk to you? If so, then checking a cell phone, FB, or other things is just as rude. It says to the other person that they aren't important and it shows great disrespect.

As noted, there are times when emergencies or work happens. In that case, I think it's appropriate to say, "I need to let you know, that I'm expecting an important text/call. It's family business and I'm sorry for the interruption."

[pam]

One of my pet peeves about cell phones is the employees that work under me think it's okay to just send me a text message when they are calling in to report they won't be at work. Cell phones are not allowed anywhere in my office because of the possible breach of security as we deal with peoples personal information.

So why in the heck would they think I'd be checking my phone to see that they weren't coming in. That's what we have an attendance line to call into for.

[Guest]

I answered "Depends on the situation" for your poll, because I believe texting while with someone else should be avoided excepting for such things like emergencies, waiting for an important response to something, or checking in on a babysitter, etc. I think it is just plain rude and wrong to have your attention on your phone while you are supposed to be spending time with another person, yet that person should be able to be understanding of a few quick messages to check on kids or needing to leave your phone on for an emergency.

I agree with this.

But, when I set up a lunch-date with a friend (these occassional lunches are the only time I actually have to myself - kids in school, husband at work, I go out of the house away from my work-at-home, so no work nor chores, etc), I prepare for it - husband knows I'm out so he gets to handle calls from school, etc - I'm marked on personal-time at work so they don't expect me to be accessible, etc - so I can have that one hour of uninterrupted time. If somebody dies, they can wait one hour for me to know about it.

This is only possible, of course, because I'm blessed to have a support system.

But see, my friends don't know what it takes for me to go out and have those lunch dates. Especially Relief Society - they always set up these activities during lunch hour! They have a different way of looking at it - it's just going to lunch, no big deal, so they feel more inclined to pop open their electronics. I guess it's just a matter of how important you treat the event. I mean, I'm sure those same friends will not pop open their electronics if it was their boss they're having lunch with. So, in a way, it's in the realm of respect somehow. Not that I'm saying my friends show no respect when they pop open their phones at lunch. I'm just saying, they're more casual about it because they know our friendship is such that it won't hurt us. Okay, okay.. I've been known to talk on the phone while at lunch too.

Edited May 9, 2012 by anatess

[pam]

I just always feel like someone elses text message or facebook update is more important or perhaps more exciting than the conversation I thought we were trying to have when out with friends.

[skippy740]

- Miss Manners: Compulsive Texting Pushes Friend's Buttons

[mnn727]

Texting in a social setting is completely unacceptable. It lets the person or people you are with know they are not as important to you as your latest text message.

[prisonchaplain]

I went with the majority view...however, for the most part it is completely unacceptable. We even find it somewhat rude when visiting someone's house and they have the TV on. When people ride in my car I always have the radio off. People first...though there are situations (parents keeping tabs on kids, expected emergency or important messages, etc.)

[Guest]

Texting in a social setting is completely unacceptable. It lets the person or people you are with know they are not as important to you as your latest text message.

I wouldn't say it's COMPLETELY unacceptable. There are social settings where the latest text message IS more worthy of my attention... like the Kirby salesman that I mistakenly thought were missionaries so I opened the door for him...

[Guest]

Rude rude rude.

[Guest]

Rude rude rude.

You need to meet this Kirby salesman.

[Guest]

LOL not you, just people texting while out with friends. As far as I'm concerned, Kirby salesmen get what's coming to them. Their tactics are maddening.

[RMGuy]

The OP reminds me of this:

WOW, that sounds like a very black and white world.

-RM

[Dravin]

If you are in the middle of a conversation then yes, it's rude to halt the conversation so you can check the message (baring emergencies and work, or it is expected*). That said, just because you are out with your friends doesn't mean you are engaged in conversation with them at every moment of the night. So if during a lull or a break (say everyone goes to the kitchen or concession stand for sodas) and you want to check your messages real quick or shoot of a quick one, I don't see the rudeness.

*For instance, if you are talking with your friends about what movie to go see and someone says, "Hey, someone ask Bob (who isn't there) if Avengers is any good." Obviously sending the text, and reading it when it comes in wouldn't necessarily be rude.

[Guest xforeverxmetalx]

I agree completely with those who say emergencies/work/kids are exceptions. I'd never ask her to turn her phone off - I wouldn't even do that myself. I'm also understanding of certain situations where my friend wants to take a call from another friend who she doesn't get to talk to often because that other friend is only available to talk for a limited amount of time.

As noted, there are times when emergencies or work happens. In that case, I think it's appropriate to say, "I need to let you know, that I'm expecting an important text/call. It's family business and I'm sorry for the interruption."

That's a pretty good idea. But since it's a casual situation and we're good friends that'd feel like overkill. Maybe just a "hold on, I need to take this, it's important" or something as she's picking up the phone or sending a text.

[EarlJibbs]

You dont have just text messages either, you have all of your email messages that go to your phone now. Callender reminders..etc... Your phone is literally making sounds all day.

I normally will take a peek at what came through, then put it back away unless urgent.

[Just_A_Guy]

What baffles me is, when I'm in a client consultation, and they're paying $200/hour for my (boss's) time, and they STILL can't leave the phone alone, and I'm sitting there, waiting for them to finish their conversation, billing them for every minute.

[Wingnut]

If you are in the middle of a conversation then yes, it's rude to halt the conversation so you can check the message (baring emergencies and work, or it is expected*). That said, just because you are out with your friends doesn't mean you are engaged in conversation with them at every moment of the night. So if during a lull or a break (say everyone goes to the kitchen or concession stand for sodas) and you want to check your messages real quick or shoot of a quick one, I don't see the rudeness.

*For instance, if you are talking with your friends about what movie to go see and someone says, "Hey, someone ask Bob (who isn't there) if Avengers is any good." Obviously sending the text, and reading it when it comes in wouldn't necessarily be rude.

I agree. I think it also varies depending on the setting you're in -- if you're one-on-one, then emergency-type situations would be the only exceptions. If you're out with a group, and it's a casual evening, it's likely that you'll all be checking in on phones at some point, and I think it's a lot less rude.

I think it's a generational thing -- it's completely normal and acceptable (and expected) to be on your phone while hanging out with friends...to today's teenagers and 20-somethings, and even some early 30-somethings.