My fiance is having doubts

[ldsguy422]

So my fiance and I got engaged at the beginning of May and we're very much in love. But she's beginning to have doubts - although to be honest, it's the same re-occurring doubt. It took her over a month to finally say yes, and there's a very specific reason for that. In her patriarchal blessing it says something along the lines of, "you will recognize the man you're to marry from the pre-mortal existence." She keeps going back and forth on whether or not we should be married; one days she is crazy excited about getting married and the next day she is very worried. But it all stems back to her uncertainty of what her patriarchal blessing really means. How will she receive confirmation that I am that guy? And per chance I'm not, how would she ever receive a confirmation from any guy? She has fasted and prayed about this, but she's still not sure she's received a definite answer one way or the other. I've told her that she can take as long as she wants - I don't want her to rush into marriage if she's having any doubts. I feel that this statement from her patriarchal blessing might have some sort of interpretation that we haven't considered before. Any thoughts, ideas, or advice would be greatly appreciated. By the way, she doesn't really want to consult a church leader on what this might mean. I think she feels that she needs to figure it out on her own with the aid of the spirit. But I do believe she's willing to listen to my opinion on this.

[Praetorian_Brow]

A month is not that long to consider a choice of such magnitude, but one should consider whether or not she has the maturity to decide on her own. Prayers, friends as well as family input is healthy, but if thats what took her a month to glean, then you are one patient fellow.

I played this commitment game for three years with my fiancee while doing 75% of the chasing and I was an option half the time, despite being the love of her life. At the end of it all, she still ran away. Sure, I have issues and so does she, but I was willing to commit to hers, while she wasn't willing to commit to mine.

Best wishes to you two and I hope you aren't doing all the chasing.

[james12]

My patriarchal blessing says, "...you will be guided to a young lady who is also asking Father in Heaven for guidance and direction. And as you meet, you will know you have been waiting for her and she for you." Well from the blessing it may appear that it should have been all be roses from the time we met to the time we were married. However, it didn't quite turn our that way.

As we dated and began to get more serious I had difficulty committing. I was feeling pressured and finally told her one night that we needed to take a break from each other. She was devastated. Weeks went by... one day I was coming out of institute. As I was walking to my car I received thoughts which were some of the clearest revelation I have ever received. I was thinking about our relationship and this feeling and thoughts came to my head. In essence it was something like, "What are you doing? Why did you let go of this wonderful woman? She will help you on your journey through life and beyond." Anyway, these and other thoughts came. It was clear. We got back together and in a few weeks were were engaged. A few months after that we were married. It's been eleven years this month. I can honestly say it was the best decision of my life. We have such a wonderful relationship.

Often faith requires action and then the Lord then gives the answer. Elder Carmak of the 70 described it as the, "ready, fire, aim approach". In essence we make a decision and move forward with confidence trusting that the Lord will make known his will. As we do so we give faith the room it needs to breathe. In my case I made the wrong decision but the Lord knew what was right. I was guided back to the right path.

Now, I don't know what the right path is for your fiancé. I would give her room as it appears you have done. It also appears she has made at least a tentative decision to be married. If the decision has been made this would not be the time for doubt and fear in the Lord. I believe He will answer as she moves forward with faith in Him. If I were you I might pray that she recieves the answer the Lord has in store for her. You will have to have confidence in the Lord and in her ability to recieve an answer from him.

[Vort]

♪I've seen that smile somewhere before!♫

Just teasing, not making fun. If it's of any comfort, 98% of engaged couples have second, and third, and fourth thoughts. I certainly did. It's an almost universal reaction. Your fiancee needs to take her worries to the Lord and then be of firm mind. You can help her in this process (but not by bluntly blurting it out). Best of luck!

♪...the circle of our love, it goes forever...♫

[Guest Doctrine]

When it was time for me to choose a wife i choose one then asked to lord to bless my marriage and give me guidence, because my wife was the one i am to marry. I dont belive heavenly father tells us who to marry that goes opposite of agency.

I feel that your fiance is having dougt because see seems to be in love with the idea of getting married, not about the married life it self.

BUT you stay in there if you want to marry this one BUT the doubt could linger and you may find your self getting devorced.

most mormons have it wrong your are supposed to date for 3 month then go to a dance and at the dance propose after a donny osmund song not propose after a donny osmund song and be engaged for 3 months because it changes the dynamics of the relationship were your caught up in the love of getting married and not the marriage it self.

well good luck.

[applepansy]

Heavenly Father doesn't decide who we are to marry. He leaves that decision up to us. My favorite author said when he prayed about if he should marry a specific girl the feeling he got was "I have no objections. Maybe it will work out." (paraphrased)

As Vort referenced Saturday's Warrior gave us some false doctrine. I hope your fiance figure out that its really her choice. She gets to decide.

I wish you both the best.

[Dravin]

You can help her in this process (but not by bluntly blurting it out). Best of luck!

With my wife I made sure to let her work through her worries and concerns, to the point I wondered if we would even get engaged. Now for the most part the heavy worrying was done before engagement not during, but despite my desires that we get married 'Now! Now! Now!' I'm glad I decided long before that I wouldn't pressure her. You see it occasionally on some of the threads here, people who feel they were rushed or pressured into to marriage. So instead I did the best I could do to support her search for an answer without trying to lay on pressure which wouldn't have helped and really could have easily become an additional point of worry.

[Windseeker]

"you will recognize the man you're to marry from the pre-mortal existence."

Well who knows what this means. It could be refering to her furture 2nd, 3rd or 4th husband.

Hopefully she won't get too hung up on this, but it sounds like she is already. I think we can probably say we knew everybody in the pre-mortal existence, we may not have that capacity now but I'm sure we did prior to the veil. There is no predestination expecially when it comes to marriage.

The Faith to Marry - Ensign July 1987 - ensign

Elder Boyd K. Packer said this about choosing a marriage companion:

“While I am sure some young couples have some special guidance in getting together, I do not believe in predestined love. If you desire the inspiration of the Lord in this crucial decision, you must live the standards of the Church, and you must pray constantly for the wisdom to recognize those qualities upon which a successful union may be based. You must do the choosing, rather than to seek for some one-and-only so-called soul mate, chosen for you by someone else and waiting for you.”

[Windseeker]

..some additional thoughts.

Even if a couple comes together escorted by angels trumpeting a great eternal reunion of two noble star crossed souls, the marriage is going to take just as much work and effort as a couple chosen by monkeys throwing darts at a list of names..perhaps more. IMHO.

[Backroads]

I was the fiancee that was having doubts. What helped me was insisting my fiance (now husband) to seek help for his own insecurities, and, for myself, making myself realize all his good qualities and how much I wanted to be married to him.

[Misshalfway]

I think your fiance wants something that none of us gets. And that is a guarantee. Revelation just isn't like that. There is a "surety" or a "knowing" that comes. But it's always coupled with a need for exercising faith. The "surety" stuff just makes it easier to exercise it. At least that is my experience with this process.

BTW...did your fiance's blessing say WHEN she would recognize her husband? Maybe she will know later after she's experienced a trial of faith.

Bottom line is your sweetie needs to do what the rest of us has to do. Search it out in her mind and heart, ask the Lord, and then go forward making the best choice she can. My experience is that as I move forward in faith, like Moses walking into the Red sea (BEFORE it parted), my decision is either confirmed or I am somehow stopped. It's all about trust really. Trusting ourselves and trusting God to intervene when He thinks its time.

Just for fun, what would it be like if she tried to make the decision AS IF that PB never happened? What decision would SHE make completely on her own?

Edited June 26, 2012 by Misshalfway
added another thought.

[Wingnut]

I had a somewhat similar experience (though without the Patriarchal Blessing aspect of it). I used to date a young man very seriously. We were never formally engaged, though we talked at great length about getting married. When it came down to actually becoming engaged, I had a really hard time with it. I wanted to marry him, but something seemed off. Every time I prayed about it, I was really uncertain, though I really wanted it. I just couldn't reconcile the two opposite feelings. Years later, I was able to recognize this as a stupor of thought, though in the moment I couldn't understand it.

[annewandering]

There will come a time when we ALL recognize each other. Sometimes it happens sooner than for others. I looked at my husband and knew him. For us it was a good thing because there were times we needed that reassurance. One day you may be out grocery shopping and she will look at you and will recognize you. It does not have to happen now.

And then again... maybe it is best, for you two, not to be together? Good thing she is giving it a lot of thought, prayer and study. :) You need to do the same.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I think your fiance wants something that none of us gets. And that is a guarantee. Revelation just isn't like that. There is a "surety" or a "knowing" that comes. But it's always coupled with a need for exercising faith. The "surety" stuff just makes it easier to exercise it. At least that is my experience with this process.

BTW...did your fiance's blessing say WHEN she would recognize her husband? Maybe she will know later after she's experienced a trial of faith.

Bottom line is your sweetie needs to do what the rest of us has to do. Search it out in her mind and heart, ask the Lord, and then go forward making the best choice she can. My experience is that as I move forward in faith, like Moses walking into the Red sea (BEFORE it parted), my decision is either confirmed or I am somehow stopped. It's all about trust really. Trusting ourselves and trusting God to intervene when He thinks its time.

Just for fun, what would it be like if she tried to make the decision AS IF that PB never happened? What decision would SHE make completely on her own?

This is the hard thing, I think. The faith and trust in God.

What I mean, is, that it can seem, and often be, so easy to feel trust in God in knowing how one should live and behave in life generally, as far as what they should do in trusting God in other matters, i.e. love of God, love of one's fellowman, not judging, being honest and all the general dos and don'ts. And, in that, feeling the confidence of knowing the Lord's will and endeavoring to do it and feeling all will be well. Seems we can often have trust in God in those things, along with that sense of assurance and reassurance, that we're doing His will.

But, for some reason, when it comes to something that is actually so personal to ourselves as is marriage and love between a man and woman, with such far reaching consequences, no less, that seems to be, for me, at least, where my faith and trust in God falters. He can tell me something clearly and distinctly, even, yet, in spite of that I guess my fear to trust kicks in and in time I begin to question and doubt.

Though maybe that's where most of us are tried in our faith and trust in God and maybe that's because we're so of this world at present. It's so much easier to do what is clearly spelled out in scripture, let's say, but when it comes to personal revelation, that's when our faith is truly tested, I suppose, and when our lack of trust in God can become evident to ourselves. Though maybe it's not even a lack of trust in God, so much, but in ourselves?

Just some thoughts I've been grappling with of late, about how much one does trust God, or dares to, anyway... :)

Edited June 26, 2012 by Forget-Me-Not

[annewandering]

I think we often expect God to tell us what to do when we cant make up our minds or are afraid to make a mistake.

Mostly I doubt He cares one way or the other. He isnt so concerned WHO you marry as how you deal with your marriage. How committed we are to the marriage. Marry a good person and work at it hard. :)

I love my kids. I am much more interested in them making a good, eternal marriage than exactly who they marry. I really do suspect God feels about the same.

[Misshalfway]

I HAD revelation tell me who to marry. I even argued with it. And it's been the hardest relationship of my life! Sigh. And it's also the best thing that ever happened to me.

We have to remember that God isn't so interested in our "safety". He's interested in our personal development! We don't get wicked soccer skills from sitting on the bench! So what if we lose the game.

[Anddenex]

I remember when my beloved almost ended our engagement three times before we were married. These are the principles I was taught while going through this:

1. Agency - God provided us agency and it is the most important aspect in any relationship ripening toward marriage. I had learned from a previous relationship that I wasn't very accepting of a women's agency to say "NO". Fortunately, I changed.

2. Confirm your feelings. In saying this, I can only speak for my life, the first time she almost ended our engagement I felt a strong impression, to accept her agency and to confirm my feelings. I simply said, "I love you. I want to marry you, however, if you don't think I will make you happy, then you need to go and end this engagement." I then confirmed my feelings for her. This also lead to one of my most distinct revelations. Now, in saying this, this wasn't easy to say, because it had the opportunity to end the relationship the moment we returned home from visiting my parents, and I was thinking to myself, "Am I really saying this???"

3. Trust in the will of the Lord. If you are a good person for her, the Lord will confirm it, and you only need to relax and go about your daily tasks.

4. Be watchful and prayerful.

Best Wishes!

[Forget-Me-Not]

I remember when my beloved almost ended our engagement three times before we were married. These are the principles I was taught while going through this:

1. Agency - God provided us agency and it is the most important aspect in any relationship ripening toward marriage. I had learned from a previous relationship that I wasn't very accepting of a women's agency to say "NO". Fortunately, I changed.

2. Confirm your feelings. In saying this, I can only speak for my life, the first time she almost ended our engagement I felt a strong impression, to accept her agency and to confirm my feelings. I simply said, "I love you. I want to marry you, however, if you don't think I will make you happy, then you need to go and end this engagement." I then confirmed my feelings for her. This also lead to one of my most distinct revelations. Now, in saying this, this wasn't easy to say, because it had the opportunity to end the relationship the moment we returned home from visiting my parents, and I was thinking to myself, "Am I really saying this???"

3. Trust in the will of the Lord. If you are a good person for her, the Lord will confirm it, and you only need to relax and go about your daily tasks.

4. Be watchful and prayerful.

Best Wishes!

I'm glad you posted. #3 is just what I needed to be reminded of today. :)

[Elegreen]

I was also the fiance' that was having doubts. We dated for 2 years /engaged for 6 months. With in a month or two of dating we kinda had thoughts of marriage. It took us so long to finally get married becuase I was confused with what to do. we both worked on alot of things through this time. Unlike backroads, i feel like i am still lost and confused and its been 4 years. I would like to know backroads, if you still have these issues/thoughts? if so how do you deal with them?