What is an emotional affair???

[lovingwife]

I'm trying to process so please forgive my lack of fluid thoughts....I've been married 9 years. My husband has had "crushes" during our marriage with women from work or what not. He on three occasions developed strong feelings for them and has talked to them a lot. He texts and calls almost daily.Most recently, he has been talking to a woman that works for the same company but in a different location. They have never met just sent pics of eachother. (nothing lewd just normal pics) As far as I can tell it's nothing sexual...but he still talks to her like he used to talk to me while we were dating. It's been the same with the previous women. Is this considered an emotional affair?? What should I do to try to heal and forgive?? My trust level with him is so far gone. I find myself reading his texts when he's out of the room to see if he's talked to her that day...I feel like I'm going nuts. I don't want to be an overbearing wife and push him away but at the same time I don't want to ignore the behavior. He has said that he is trying to work through it and that the crush is going away...but he is still talking to her...should I ask him to stop or just trust that he will be ok? Is this something that needs to be dealt with by the Bishop? Or is it just a between us issue??? I'm in need of so much advice and support here!

[MorningStar]

It's hard to forgive something that a person won't stop doing. I would definitely talk to the bishop.

[Finrock]

Good afternoon lovingwife. Welcome to the forums! I hope you are doing well today. :)

I'm trying to process so please forgive my lack of fluid thoughts....I've been married 9 years. My husband has had "crushes" during our marriage with women from work or what not. He on three occasions developed strong feelings for them and has talked to them a lot. He texts and calls almost daily.Most recently, he has been talking to a woman that works for the same company but in a different location. They have never met just sent pics of eachother. (nothing lewd just normal pics) As far as I can tell it's nothing sexual...but he still talks to her like he used to talk to me while we were dating. It's been the same with the previous women. Is this considered an emotional affair?? What should I do to try to heal and forgive?? My trust level with him is so far gone. I find myself reading his texts when he's out of the room to see if he's talked to her that day...I feel like I'm going nuts. I don't want to be an overbearing wife and push him away but at the same time I don't want to ignore the behavior. He has said that he is trying to work through it and that the crush is going away...but he is still talking to her...should I ask him to stop or just trust that he will be ok? Is this something that needs to be dealt with by the Bishop? Or is it just a between us issue??? I'm in need of so much advice and support here!

Assuming that what you've posted is absolutely true (I qualify this only because I don't have your husbands perspective to draw on), then what your husband is doing is absolutely wrong. You ought to be able to talk to him about it. What I mean is that in a healthy, loving relationship, a husband will never get upset when a wife brings to his attention a concern. You ought to not be afraid to confront him. In this case, however, its hard to say how he will react given that he has justified his flirting with other women.

What your husband is doing is a form of infidelity. He needs to stop and repent. You need to be able to help him and he needs to work at gaining your trust back again. I would suggest that you talk with your bishop. I would suggest that he do so as well. I believe you ought to speak with him about it. You need to let him know how it makes you feel. Just let him know calmly how much it hurts you.

You need to also start figuring out why this gap exist in your marriage. What is it that is behind your husband acting the way that he does. I'm not suggesting at all that it is your fault. I simply mean that often conduct like what your husband is doing is caused by some underlying issue that should be addressed.

Remember to pray for your husband. You need to also make sure that you are doing your best to obey God's commandments. Your righteousness can do much to help bring your husband back.

Regards,

Finrock

[Gwen]

I would recommend the book "His needs Her needs" (His Needs, Her Needs this is the official site for it but you can probably find it cheaper used somewhere)

[Leah]

His behavior is not appropriate for a married man. I agree that it is time to talk to the bishop.

[MorningStar]

So you asked if you should ask him to stop? Have you never asked him to stop? It should be a matter of common sense for him. If you develop crushes on women you work with, keep a distance.

If it were my husband, I wouldn't ask him to stop doing it. I would probably throw his phone in the toilet. You have every right to be "overbearing" and demand this crap stop. It is inappropriate.

[lovingwife]

I should clarify that my husband and I have already talked a lot about this and the negative effect it has on our relationship. I'm trying to work through the pain and the hurt because ultimately I love him and I know through repentance and forgiveness we can be made whole again. My concern has been that he is still talking to her, albeit much less then he was, but still has been talking to her. He has said that he is very sorry and wants to take the steps necessary to be forgiven and help strengthen our marriage. We talked again last night and I shared my concerns again in I think a bit of a clearer manner. I know he is trying to gain back my trust....it's just such a hard and hurtful path to take. My heart is in a million pieces and yet I still deeply love him and I KNOW he loves me. We have two beautiful children together and I want what's best for them. I know we can make it through this....it's just such a difficult challenge to have to face. I appreciate all of the comments that have been made so far. It helps me validate my own feelings. I'm grateful to have a place to share my feelings since I WILL NOT go to friends or family in fear of tarnishing their opinion of my husband. He is a good man just made a few mistakes. We are going to get through this I know and have faith that our Father in Heaven is by our side helping us work through it and that ultimately we will become closer because of it.

[Bini]

I should clarify that my husband and I have already talked a lot about this and the negative effect it has on our relationship. I'm trying to work through the pain and the hurt because ultimately I love him and I know through repentance and forgiveness we can be made whole again. My concern has been that he is still talking to her, albeit much less then he was, but still has been talking to her. He has said that he is very sorry and wants to take the steps necessary to be forgiven and help strengthen our marriage. We talked again last night and I shared my concerns again in I think a bit of a clearer manner. I know he is trying to gain back my trust....it's just such a hard and hurtful path to take. My heart is in a million pieces and yet I still deeply love him and I KNOW he loves me. We have two beautiful children together and I want what's best for them. I know we can make it through this....it's just such a difficult challenge to have to face. I appreciate all of the comments that have been made so far. It helps me validate my own feelings. I'm grateful to have a place to share my feelings since I WILL NOT go to friends or family in fear of tarnishing their opinion of my husband. He is a good man just made a few mistakes. We are going to get through this I know and have faith that our Father in Heaven is by our side helping us work through it and that ultimately we will become closer because of it.

I struggle with what you've shared. If your husband is truly and sincerely apologetic, and wishes to proceed in the repentance process, and gain your trust back - WHY does he continue to pursue texts and phone calls with this "other woman"? It's as simple as simply NOT sending texts or making that phone call. What are his excuses for continuing to do this? From what I'm sensing, your husband isn't seeing his actions as being that-big-of-a-deal and therefore isn't taking his actions seriously, despite, telling you and convincing you otherwise.

[Bini]

* NOT that-big-of-a-deal..

[MorningStar]

He needs a script to follow, "Thanks, but I'm married and it wouldn't be considerate of my wife's feelings or appropriate." It is OK to get mad and demand the texts and phone calls stop. If he finds this impossible, then he should probably get therapy and find a new job.

[Leah]

I should clarify that my husband and I have already talked a lot about this and the negative effect it has on our relationship. I'm trying to work through the pain and the hurt because ultimately I love him and I know through repentance and forgiveness we can be made whole again. My concern has been that he is still talking to her, albeit much less then he was, but still has been talking to her. He has said that he is very sorry and wants to take the steps necessary to be forgiven and help strengthen our marriage. We talked again last night and I shared my concerns again in I think a bit of a clearer manner. I know he is trying to gain back my trust....it's just such a hard and hurtful path to take. My heart is in a million pieces and yet I still deeply love him and I KNOW he loves me. We have two beautiful children together and I want what's best for them. I know we can make it through this....it's just such a difficult challenge to have to face. I appreciate all of the comments that have been made so far. It helps me validate my own feelings. I'm grateful to have a place to share my feelings since I WILL NOT go to friends or family in fear of tarnishing their opinion of my husband. He is a good man just made a few mistakes. We are going to get through this I know and have faith that our Father in Heaven is by our side helping us work through it and that ultimately we will become closer because of it.

If he is sorry, why is he continuing to talk to her? If he wants to "take the steps necessary", the first step is to STOP. He is making a choice to continue. This is not out of his control, he is making a deliberate choice each time he speaks to her.

Sometimes the word "mistake" troubles me. It makes it sound like it was an accident or that one has no awarenes of what one is doing. Every time he engages in this inappropriate behavior, he is making the choice to do so, knowing full well that the behavior is wrong and that it is damaging your marriage and causing you pain.

It's time for the bishop and counseling. Especially since he is refusing to stop on his own.

[alucarD1975]

From what I have read he is a repeat offender and you are enabling him by not taking a firm stance on the issue.

What he is doing is unacceptable

So there are a couple of things that you can do

1 find out why he has these emotional affairs.... What is missing in your relationship that he needs to go outside the relationship to satisfy?

2. This is what I would do...... Sit him down and tell him it stops now or you and the kids are gone.

[kimzirker]

First thing you should know is that you're not alone. May people on this forum, including me, have been through similar senarios in our marriages. Second thing you should know is that he is absolutely in the wrong anytime --no matter how 'less often'--he communicates with any 'crushes'. My personal opinion is that if he were really sorry he would have already sought help for his actions-like talking to the bishop and seeing a counselor. Truth is, if he were really sorry-he'd stop and sever all contact with these women. End of story. You should not delay one more second in seeking counsel from the bishop-even all by yourself if your husband doesn't want to come. You need to talk to somebody. It is not your job to save your husband's reputation. I understand the feelings because that's how I started too. But as time went on I realized that I NEEDED SUPPORT TOO. It's a long, tough road-particularly if your desire is to save the marriage (as is mine). My family was super supportive when I talked to them and told them of how I wanted to proceed in my marriage. (which was a complete surprise) Do not choose to isolate yourself and do not choose to enable his inappropriate behavior by rationalizing it out and pretending it's getting better when he's still contacting her!!!! It's not ok.

[Misshalfway]

K. I just gotta say it straight.

If this were me, I wouldn't stand for it for one tiny little iota of a minute. I'd be packing either my bag or his.

No...his.

[Rabboni]

I would not throw any phones in any toilets.

[krcp]

4 years ago my soon to be ex husband because good friends with a girl from work...I had no idea until about 2 years down the road. They would chat all day at work via IM, then they began texting. I didn't suspect anything until one day he came home from work all bent out of shape that she was spreading rumors that he was trying to have an affair with her. He swears it was all untrue. I SO wish that I had put my foot down and not given into "but i need friends at work"...because for some reason they were still friends after this. "super friends" to be exact. The texting continued...and we fought a TON about it.

Now...2 more years later...we are in the middle of a divorce...after he did have an affair with someone else. I think it's allowing those smaller things to happen that lead to these bigger ones. Had I known what would have happened, I would have been more firm. It is not ok to mess around with relationships like he has. Tell him to STOP NOW! It is definitely not ok!

[C_T_R]

Why is he even looking for that in the first place? You can't control who you meet through work, but the second that feeling or thought hits, he should WANT to get away from it.. *sigh* What does it mean to be married now days? Or even in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship?? More and more I see that it doesn't mean much to too many people. So sad, so sad.

[applepansy]

All I'm going to add is often an emotional affair will lead to infidelity.

Stand up for yourself! You should be his best friend not some coworker he's currently emotionally involved with.

[BrendaM]

Sometimes I'm not as sensitive as I should be.....this guy is your husband and should therefore know that what he is doing is absolutely wrong! You sound like you are making excuses for him. This is infidelty anyway you look at it. He sounds like he doesn't really want to stop what he's doing.

I would toss his phone down the toilet and pray for strength to move on...with or without him.

[Guest RexOdatis]

Those involved in an emotional affair are often in denial. They don't think they're having an affair at all. The denial keeps them guilt-free, and they feel they don't have to give it up. They tell themselves, "It's just a friendship."

[wilbur1975]

From what I have read he is a repeat offender and you are enabling him by not taking a firm stance on the issue.

What he is doing is unacceptable

So there are a couple of things that you can do

1 find out why he has these emotional affairs.... What is missing in your relationship that he needs to go outside the relationship to satisfy?

2. This is what I would do...... Sit him down and tell him it stops now or you and the kids are gone.

This what Alucard said... Don't enable the guy he stops or there need to be consequences...

By they way has anyone else noticed that Alucard spelled backwards is Dracula?

[Guest]

Yeah, I also noticed that you both use 1975...

[Vort]

Yeah, I also noticed that you both use 1975...

D'oh!

If you see troV around, don't think too hard about it. 'Kay?

[The_Professor]

I know exactly how you feel as I went through it with my wife. She carried out out emotional affairs three separate times with two different men within a year. Men whith whom she worked. I can only share with you my experience and I hope it provides some solace, insight, and help.

My wife confessed that she was having a difficult time in our marriage (which was true; most of it was financial and I was stressed out and became emotionally detatched from her). She informed me that she had been confiding her feelings with a male co-worker that she had grown close to. She realized that it was going down a dangerous path when he wanted to meet her outside work on a more "intimate" level. She decided to break it off and tell me.

I was hurt more than you could imagine. Although I realized we were having difficulties, I never once thought of venturing outside our marriage for "comfort." I was angry and wondered if our marriage was on the road to separation or divorce. Her confession, although liberating for her, drove me to a very dark place. I went back on all of the cell phone records and looked at phone numbers and times she was calling. I was also looking at the times texts were sent, as well as whether it was a text or an image. I became so obsessed about it, it was all I could think of for two weeks. It was during this time that I made a startling conclusion.

I noticed that she had been sending texts and calling the guy she was confiding in at all times during the day and on days she was off during the time she said she was having this "friend fling." But I began to look back over six months and determined that there had been another number that had been coming up that she had been calling and texting as well. There had been many images sent via text (our cell phone bill notes the phone number, time, and type of text sent: text or image). When I pressed my wife about it, she admitted that she had been sending racy texts and photos with this jerk, who was also a co-worker in the same department of the other guy she was confiding in. Man, oh man, I about lost my lunch when she confessed it. She said it was during a time when we weren't physically close and this texting thing made her feel wanted and alive again. I was just flabbergasted. She was very adamant that despite the sexting, nothing physical happened between them. It was a game that she ultimately decided to stop playing when the other guy wanted to do more than just exchange photos via text. It didn't matter that she didn't have a physical relationship, she had engaged in an emotional affair in which she did things with other men that she never did with me. I was so hurt and pissed. We struggled for six months to try and draw nearer.

It was at this time when I seriously considered leaving. We were sealed in the temple and had three children, so the thought of ending the marriage and cancelling the sealing scared me because I was more concerned about our children and our salvation. But that fear did not kick the thought of divorcing from out of my mind.

She spoke to the bishop of our ward and she promised not to have any contact with the aforementioned men. She was transferred to another area of the hospital that would limit her contact with those guys. She opened her phone so that I could see who was texting and e-mailing her. She was truly intent on wanting to be open and honest.

As a result, things seemed to be looking up again. We were talking, I had stopped looking at the cell phone bill, and I fully forgave my wife for what happened. I was promoted at my job and to celebrate, we went out and had a great dinner and a romantic evening. I got up in the middle of the night and for whatever reason, I was attracted to my wife's cell phone. I unlocked it (although I wasn't looking at her phone anymore, I noticed she began to lock it again. I always had a wandering eye and was able to learn her passcode) and saw in her inbox that she recevied a number of e-mails from the first guy she had exchanged sexual images with. My jaw hit the floor at what I saw and what I read. It was like something out of porn magazine. Pictures of him...nude; describing what he wanted to do to her. And what was even worse were her replies (she wrote to him and fortunately did not send any pics of herself). Her words certainly did not leave anything to the imagination. I lost it and as you can guess, a major fight ensued at 3:00 a.m. I was ready to walk out, because I didn't care anymore. I look back at that night/morning and believe that God lead me to that startling revelation into my wife's actions. There is no other explanation as I was not suspicious at all of her doing this again.

We spent a week apart. I earnestly prayed for what I should do. And the more I prayed, the more I was led to find the road back to her. I didn't know what that meant, but as I calmed my ire, the feeling in my heart was to find a way for reconciliation. I was never that guy. Cheat on me and you're out, but since my conversion to the Gospel of Christ, I learned that we are weak and sin and fail more times than we succeed. I had to find a way to repair what was broke. As I continually prayed, I was reminded of the words of D&C 64:34-35 (I the Lord will forgive whom I forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men) and Matthew 18 (when Jesus' disciples inquire of him how many times they should forgive. Jesus replied 70 times seven. Another way of saying to forgive unlimited times). In other words, despite my anger, I had to find a way to make things work, if they were fixable. What pained me more than anything was that I thought things were going well between us when I saw this latest transgression.

I had a serious sit down with her I told her that I wanted to save my marriage and why she was doing this. She said she didn't know why, but that she just couldn't help herself. She admitted that she had a problem with sexting and needed professional help. We sought out a therapist and she has been diligent in going. We are closer in our conversations and in our prayers. I have grown towards rebuilding my trust with her. It also helped that I made a threatening phone call to the guy and told him if he ever did anything like this again, I would inform the HR department at his work about the images and his actions(as I forwarded the e-mails to my personal account that proved that the e-mails he was sending were during work time and the pics he was taking and sending were doing work time). Needless to say, I haven't had any problems with him since. It has been 1 1/2 years since this event and we are going strong.

My only words of advice are this: If you love your husband and want to make the marriage work, you have to find a way to forgive. It is a commandment. But if you feel that your trust has been so violated that it is beyond repair, then free yourself. Infidelity, whether emotional or physical, is an appropriate grounds for dissolution of marriage. But only do it if you're sure that's what you want.

There is hope for you and your husband. It will not be easy, but you need to get on your knees and pray for what Heavenly Father would have you do. Then encourage your husband to get on his knees and to pray for forgiveness and to repent. He also needs to go to the bishop and confess. And if he won't do it, then you have the right to go to the bishop and tell him what's going down. The bishop, as a judge in Israel, has no other choice but to take action.

I will pray for you and your family. I know how difficult this is. May the arms of our Heavenly Father hold you tight during this most difficult time.

[All_Apologies]

Well, I had an emotional affair. But then I had a physical affair. It is my Greatest regret.

Seriously, you are not being overbearing. You have reason to worry. Prayers sent up for you. <3