I think your sitting on the wrong side

[Drpepper]

Sometimes when my wife and I go to the temple I think to myself your sitting on the wrong side. Often around the home I feel my opinions are over ruled or just not valued. Often decisions are made that I didn know about. Sometimes I have made suggestions about things and later a conference speaker may make a similar suggestion and only then will she notice.

Is this normal? I don't really subscribe to the I'm the head of the home so u need to listen to me thing. But it would be nice to have a little more respect and understanding.

[Bini]

Is this normal behaviour for your wife? As in, has this always been the case since day one of marriage? If yes, then she probably isn't aware that her treatment is displeasing to you. Have you tried talking with her about this?

[Drpepper]

I have tired, she normally apologies but then slips back into the same patterns. If I bring it up too much it causes contention.

[NeuroTypical]

Often around the home I feel my opinions are over ruled or just not valued. Often decisions are made that I didn know about. Sometimes I have made suggestions about things and later a conference speaker may make a similar suggestion and only then will she notice.

Is this normal?

It can be. How long have you been married? How is your communication? Do you think she honestly doesn't value or respect you, or does she just not show it enough?

What is normal, is husband and wife really do love each other, but somehow they are "missing" the right ways to show the appreciation/love/respect/acceptance/support/whatever the other spouse needs.

What is also normal, is there are some underlying issues that need to be addressed and resolved before a spouse can really feel all that stuff, but nobody in the marriage knows how to do this.

Heh - also normal, is a spouse gets hurt when the other spouse honestly isn't trying to be hurtful. Figuring out how to avoid this is very helpful.

Lots of things could be happening.

Required reading for both spouses is the "5 Love Languages" book. Have you both read it?

[Drpepper]

Married 14 years, I have read the book but probably wouldn't hurt for me to read again.

Thanks for the tip

[MorningStar]

It could be you guys just have a communication problem, but I do know some women who can be rather domineering. One guy was annoyed at my husband because he wouldn't commit to a meeting or something until he discussed it with me. He just wanted to make sure I didn't have any plans that would cause a childcare problem or any schools functions that would interfere. Apparently this guy thinks I wear the pants in our family. No, he was just being considerate.

[Misshalfway]

I recommend this book a lot. It's called "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a lifetime of love " by Susan Johnson. I think it's a cutting edged way of looking at marriage/intimate relationships. And it's easy to read.

It's basically a road map to helping couples understand exactly what it is that is causing disconnection (ie. unmet attachment needs), helping them to heal past wounds, and helping them to really bond with each other in satisfying ways.

You talked about feeling like your voice isn't heard or considered in your marriage. And about how hard it is to talk about because it brings up conflict. This is exactly the kind of thing that Susan Johnson addresses in this book.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Misshalfway
added to the title

[mrmarklin]

My wife makes decisions all the time without consulting me.

I really don't regard most of them as a big deal. It would all depend on the decision context and gravity.

Are her decisions bad? Or is it just that you're not consulted in every little thing?

If they're decisions around the home, I've pretty much conceded that ground to my wife. After all, she's the one who spends most of her time there.

I make most of the decisions about savings, what kind of cars we have etc.

Edited August 27, 2012 by mrmarklin

[Guest]

"Head of the home" doesn't mean boss of everyone. It means you preside, and you're responsible for the spiritual and physical safety in the home.

"Homemaker" doesn't mean boss of everyone. It means you create a safe haven and nurture and teach.

No one should be anyone's boss. You should be making decisions together and equally, and each of you needs to feel as though your opinions are valued. I agree, it sounds like you just need some communication help.

[annewandering]

Somtimes you may think you are being heard but you are not. Maybe it just happens being married a long time but I know I dont hear all my husband says when I am looking straight at him and I know he doesnt hear all of what I say either. If its important make sure she actually is listening. :)

I dont think it is meant to be disrespectful. It just happens.

[alucarD1975]

Decisions about what?

Or do you just not like being left out of the loop?

I dont have to be clued in to everything that happens in my house

[Drpepper]

Thanks for the advice everyone... Looks like I have a little more reading to do and alot more learning.

[Rabboni]

According to Ephesians 5, your wife is supposed to submit to you. Read that to her and demand that she comply.

[pam]

According to Ephesians 5, your wife is supposed to submit to you. Read that to her and demand that she comply.

Demand? Therein lies unrighteous dominion.

[Guest]

Might be a lack of trust. Which is not the end of the world in a marriage. You can tell her straight up - Trust me, my lovely wife whose light shines brighter than the mid-day sun. Then, of course, you got to follow it up with some actions that your wife can clearly see is trustworthy.

Disclaimer: I don't know if that would work. My husband and I both do this - that is, making a decision without consulting the other - not because of a lack of trust, but because we've been married so long we tend to assume this is what the other wants as well. A lot of times it jives, but there are times when it doesn't and so we get veto power, sometimes fight, sometimes it's too small a matter to bother with.

[Vort]

Demand? Therein lies unrighteous dominion.

TIC detector fail.

[slamjet]

Pam, remember that one poster a while back who was really off the deep end in the subject of love and marriage? Is he back?