Law of Chastity

[CTR247]

Hi everyone!

I'm engaged and will be getting married next month. My fiancé and I are both endowed and we had a heated make out session where he was groping me underneath my clothing on my chest and some grinding. We talked to our bishop about it and repented. We recently had another make out session that wasn't as heated, but he groped my chest again but on top of, not under my clothing. I repented again and I meant it because I don't want anything to keep us out of the temple. We both agreed that the physical contact has to stop for the next few weeks so we can make it, but shoukd we see the bishop about the second incident?

[Backroads]

I don't know how necessary it is, but it might be a good idea to get a third party involved to keep you guys decent.

[Guest]

I think it is best to go see the bishop, not necessarily because of the 2nd incident, but so that he can help you avoid this problem in the month ahead.

[CTR247]

Any 3rd party like roommates/friends/family? Or bishop?

[Anddenex]

Yes. You need to see your Bishop. The law of chastity has been broken referring to "petting", which needs to be discussed with your Bishop. It matters not if clothes are on if he fondles your chest.

The real question, did you allow it to continue or did you immediately stop him? If you immediately stopped him, then the sin is his, and he needs to see the Bishop, and you have nothing to repent of.

[MarginOfError]

I don't know how necessary it is, but it might be a good idea to get a third party involved to keep you guys decent.

How exactly is involving a third party going to keep them more decent? I thought it was widely accepted here that involving a third party was less decent!

[Bini]

The real question, did you allow it to continue or did you immediately stop him? If you immediately stopped him, then the sin is his, and he needs to see the Bishop, and you have nothing to repent of.

Although.. If she allowed a situation where it was the perfect setup for petting, and her fiance proceeded with a touchy-feely, I believe the fault is not all his. However, I agree that a revisit to the bishop is a good idea. Surely he will make suggestions in how to avoid this happening again. Meanwhile, it would make sense that OP refrains from being ALONE with her lovely fiance. If they are in the company of others, it may divert the romance bug..

[skippy740]

As a chaperone... not a participant. Oi.

[jayanna]

might want to stick to blowing kisses from a distance for a few weeks. Group dates. Hang in there.

[Misshalfway]

I'd go back to the bishop. You need the strengthening of that kind of honesty.

I wouldn't beat yourselves up about it too much. It's actually pretty awesome to be so attracted to your future spouse. But you've got to do a better job at protecting yourselves and keeping your minds in a more controlled headspace. You've now learned what many have tried to warn you about. Once you indulge, it's so hard not to slip into it again!

Maybe you need to stop being together in lonely places late at night. Maybe you need to do your long goodbyes over the phone. Maybe you need to have codewords like "STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE!" Maybe you should wear a t-shirt saying "Hands off on my rack, bucko!" Maybe you need to put an alarm bell inside your bra, or invest in a chastity belt. Whatever you have to do, do it!!

You sound happy. Stay safe so you can stay that way.

[Wingnut]

In my dating experience, the only time makeout sessions got too heated was when we were laying down. Make sure that you are never lying on top of each other.

[Irishcolleen]

Hi everyone!

I'm engaged and will be getting married next month. My fiancé and I are both endowed and we had a heated make out session where he was groping me underneath my clothing on my chest and some grinding. We talked to our bishop about it and repented. We recently had another make out session that wasn't as heated, but he groped my chest again but on top of, not under my clothing. I repented again and I meant it because I don't want anything to keep us out of the temple. We both agreed that the physical contact has to stop for the next few weeks so we can make it, but shoukd we see the bishop about the second incident?

In my opinion, you may want to push the wedding date up. It would be much better to marry earlier in order to avoid the temptation. Even if the invites are sent, the reception hall rented, etc... it would still be better to push up the wedding date.

[Bini]

In my opinion, you may want to push the wedding date up. It would be much better to marry earlier in order to avoid the temptation. Even if the invites are sent, the reception hall rented, etc... it would still be better to push up the wedding date.

This makes sense, I guess.. But doesn't it say something if you're unable to control yourself in a reasonable time frame of a few weeks, in addition to the situation being easily managed if certain steps are taken, such as Don't Be Alone?

[hardtoguess]

You guys are mormons, follow the rules, it ain't that hard.

[Irishcolleen]

This makes sense, I guess.. But doesn't it say something if you're unable to control yourself in a reasonable time frame of a few weeks, in addition to the situation being easily managed if certain steps are taken, such as Don't Be Alone?

I didn't see the part where they were going to be married in just a month. They probably can't be married any earlier unless they went to a justice of the peace- not an option if they want to be sealed without waiting a year.

I think being "unable to control" themselves for a few weeks just means they are going to have a wonderful honeymoon and marriage!

[Vort]

I think being "unable to control" themselves for a few weeks just means they are going to have a wonderful honeymoon and marriage!

Sadly, it indicates much more than that. It implies that they are slaves to the natural man, which does not bode well for such an important and strenuous relationship as marriage. Or, as ominously, it suggests that they simply are not very interested in keeping God's commandments, which is a 100% guaranteed sure-fire way to be unhappy and have an unsuccessful marriage. They certainly have a lot of spiritual maturing to do -- true for all of us, of course, but moreso for those who want to be successfully married.

[mdfxdb]

If all those who needed to be "spiritually mature" before they got married waited until they were "spiritually mature" then there would be far fewer marriages, and a lot more fornication prior to marriage. I have 2 points of view on this subject, both of which have been previously stated:

1. If you absolutely can't wait, then push the marriage date up.

2. As previously mentioned, just follow the rules. As mormons it is pretty cut and dry Don't do IT...

[annewandering]

No wonder we have marriages that dont consummate for years after the wedding. Pour on guilt. I guess I really am evil. Ok so you dont want to go there until after the wedding. Thats smart. Now get some chaperons and get busy preparing for the wedding. I mean really busy. lol. Talk on the phone a lot and keep it clean. If it is seriously going to be a problem stay away from each other. Keep busy. Write a lot in your journal. Be sure to mention how you are surviving this last month and looking for it to be over. Cold showers might be in order. Might work. Who knows. lol.

Dont beat yourselves up. You can do last a month.

So are you educated about the wedding night? You know its going to go a lot farther than touching 'chests'? And believe me. Its a lot more fun. IF you dont get the idea its all sinful and bad. NONE of its sinful. In its place. It is not about not 'doing IT'. Its about doing it at the right time and with the right person. :)

Sorry if I am overreacting. We just see so much on here about how marriages are in trouble over misconceptions and guilt. Smile. Wait with anticipation and then have a great marriage. :)

[Backroads]

I think there is a big difference between a healthy sexual interest in each other and being unable to control yourselves.

The former is definitely a good sign and something one should expect in an engaged couple, but the inability to control yourselves is a problem. One can think his/her spouse to be is the sexiest creature on the planet and look forward to that aspect of the marriage while still having the knowledge and willpower to set boundaries.

It's not much piling on the guilt over being physically interested in each other (though I'm not saing this problem doesn't exist in church culture), it's a reminder that the law of chastity is a serious commandment from God.

While I do think pushing up the wedding date is a good solution, Vort's right: having chastity issues that can't be overcome is a red flag.

[EarlJibbs]

Unless you are placing his hands on you for him, he needs to keep them to himself. Be together with family planning the wedding and having fun. Heck hang out with your friends a little bit. No one is going to get all upons if you are with other people (unless you are into public perving :) ). There will be a time when you might say to your spouse "Spouse, remember a time when this was forbidden?" and laugh.

[Vort]

If all those who needed to be "spiritually mature" before they got married waited until they were "spiritually mature" then there would be far fewer marriages, and a lot more fornication prior to marriage.

Agreed. But there is a certain minimal expectation of self-control and sexual continence. "A few weeks" is simply not too long to ask people to keep their pants on. If they cannot wait even that long, there are very serious problems of maturity and self-control that will almost certainly torpedo a marriage.

[annewandering]

Agreed. But there is a certain minimal expectation of self-control and sexual continence. "A few weeks" is simply not too long to ask people to keep their pants on. If they cannot wait even that long, there are very serious problems of maturity and self-control that will almost certainly torpedo a marriage.

Still we dont start out perfect in marriage so they can learn. Just got to get this last month down.

[skippy740]

I still have a problem with this phrase:

We talked to our bishop about it and repented.

But you did it again! Yet, less severe, but it happened again!

What you did was NOT repentance! It was to gain ecclesiastical 'clearance' from the Church!

That is NOT THE SAME THING!

I see it time and time again on these threads that "we are going through the repentance process, but..." or "we talked to the bishop and repented". No, you gained "clearance" by church authority, not repentance.

Repentance involves turning away from the sin and a change of heart.

Based on your post, that has not yet happened.

D&C 88:35

35 That which breaketh a law, and abideth not by law, but seeketh to become a law unto itself, and willeth to abide in sin, and altogether abideth in sin, cannot be sanctified by law, neither by mercy, justice, nor judgment. Therefore, they must remain filthy still.

D&C 82:7

7 And now, verily I say unto you, I, the Lord, will not lay any sin to your charge; go your ways and sin no more; but unto that soul who sinneth shall the former sins return, saith the Lord your God.

I'm illustrating this partly for my own frustrations for similar threads, but to expound on the correct doctrine of repentance.

Repentance is to help make life EASIER by turning our hearts, desires and appetites to those things that are approved by God for us. It is not simply "abstaining" from everything in the world.

One way is worldly - doing without. The other is Godly - doing within His power.