Honoring the request of deceased spouse

[kcrow]

My parents were sealed and married for 40 years before my mother passed away. One of her most emphatic requests was that while she knew my dad would remarry, that he not be sealed to anyone else. My father remarried a year and a half after her death and just 6 months into that marriage, his wife received permission to cancel her sealing to her first husband and to be sealed to my dad. Have any prophets spoken to the feelings/circumstances of the deceased spouse in instances like this?

[Bini]

My parents were sealed and married for 40 years before my mother passed away. One of her most emphatic requests was that while she knew my dad would remarry, that he not be sealed to anyone else. My father remarried a year and a half after her death and just 6 months into that marriage, his wife received permission to cancel her sealing to her first husband and to be sealed to my dad. Have any prophets spoken to the feelings/circumstances of the deceased spouse in instances like this?

This is a very interesting situation. I hope someone can answer it.

I recall being told that a man cannot take on and be sealed to a second wife, unless, his first wife agrees to it. It's basically like the same concept of polygamy. No multiple wives unless the first wife grants her permission. At least, this is what I recall..

[NeuroTypical]

I'm assuming that you are sealed to your father and mother? I'm assuming that your father is worthy to attend the temple and there is no nefariousness or underhandedness going on?

kcrow, I'm tempted to advise you to just let it go. Assuming there's no funny business going on, don't worry about it - his choice in this regard will not decrease your happiness in the eternities, unless you chose to let it.

Consider the possibility that your mother, on the other side of the veil, now in full command of all the facts, has changed her mind about some things.

At the end of the day, I don't really know the situation or what will happen. But when I put myself in your shoes, I consider two lifetimes - one life spent worrying or unhappy about this, impacting my relationship with my father. And one life where I trust in God to be who He claims to be - someone who set things up to bring His children the greatest amount of joy through the eternities.

[garryw]

This is a very interesting situation. I hope someone can answer it.

I recall being told that a man cannot take on and be sealed to a second wife, unless, his first wife agrees to it. It's basically like the same concept of polygamy. No multiple wives unless the first wife grants her permission. At least, this is what I recall..

Emma Smith was (generally) antagonistic towards polygamy, although there are some exceptions where she seemed to reluctantly accept it. Section 132 was revealed in the context of her reluctance. Hyrum asked Joseph to produce a revelation so that he could show it to Emma and convince her to stop being so antagonistic. Section 132 is the key scripture we have on the subject.

In practice, during B.Y. time, a first wife could petition B.Y. if she refused to accept a second wife. He held the keys. At that point BY could "decide" and if he approved the husband could take a second wife without the first wife's consent.

Also keep in mind historically about 99-100% of women were opposed to the practice until they had received personal revelation on the matter.

[Backroads]

I don't know if any general authorities would give concrete advice on this type of situation. In my mind, this is a family situation first and foremost. I don't even know if there is a single right answer on how to handle this.

[kcrow]

Thank you for your replies. I'm trying to understand. To answer questions:

Yes, I am sealed to both my mother and father and no, there is no underhandedness here. It should also be noted that my dad's new wife's husband is also deceased. He passed away about the same my mom did. He and the new wife were married until his passing, although she says he did not treat her well. When I reminded my dad of my mom's feelings on the matter, he said that he felt that she'd had enough time in the spirit world to change and realize how things could be. Couldn't the same also be said of the new wife's first husband?

[MarginOfError]

I don't know the answers to a lot of these questions, but I'm generally uncomfortable with the idea of sacrificing the desires and happiness of the living to the desires and happiness of the dead.

[NeuroTypical]

he said that he felt that she'd had enough time in the spirit world to change and realize how things could be. Couldn't the same also be said of the new wife's first husband?

From what I know about sealing cancellations, they are generally not given except for cases involving abuse or adultry or other serious covenant-breaking. If the first presidency ok'd a cancellation, you can rest assured that they heard more details than "he didn't treat me well".

In a case like that, it's not about changing your mind in the afterlife, it's about someone abusing their covenants, resulting in and the sealing not being valid on earth or in heaven.

But I'm still wondering kcrow, what is it you hope to accomplish here? Do you want to change your father's mind and get him to unseal himself from his new wife? Are you just trying to understand your father's decision so you can support it and him? What would you like to see happen?

[kcrow]

Sealing hasn't happened yet. They have to wait until they have been married for a year (it's only been 6 months). I would like to see him wait to be sure that it really is the right thing. He was so lonely with my mom gone. He met and married his new wife in 1 month and was talking about the sealing cancellation only a few weeks after. He is a completely different person, not like himself at all, and making many impulsive decisions. I fear that he will rush into something that impacts all of us. I am also concerned about her children, particularly her missionary son who they have decided not to tell until after the sealing has taken place.

[MarginOfError]

How old is your father? You say he's had a sudden change of personality? Not to be an alarmist, but that's a red flag of a psychological issue. Are you sure he's psychologically healthy?

[kcrow]

He is 67. No psych issues per se other than that he has suffered from depression for decades and has a tendency to rush into things and take them to extremes. I'm feeling like I should ask him to slow down, to wait, to let the fog of new love fade and then decide. Thoughts?

[NeuroTypical]

In general, the advice that seems to be the most helpful in such cases, is "He's an adult. It's his life to live, and his choices to make."

I guess I can continue to play armchair psycologist here, and continue to focus on you. On one hand, you say he "has a tendency to rush into things and take them to extremes". You also say "He is a completely different person, not like himself at all, and making many impulsive decisions." It sounds like he's being who he's always been and this isn't too surprising. But you find it very disruptive, because it's change, and you're not choosing it.

He's spent 40 years married. He's lonely. He's found someone else to be married to. You're supposed to be rejoicing for his happiness. Instead, you worry about your mom and her feelings on the other side of the veil. You worry about his impulsiveness and making a decision he'll regret. You worry about new wife's kids. His choice obviously isn't 'too soon' for him - but obviously it's 'too soon' for you?

You also worry about how his decisions will "impact all of us". Maybe you should take a long, thoughtful look at how much impact your father's decision should impact the other adults who are related to him.

Are you dependent on him or living with him?

Edited November 27, 2012 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Vort]

He is 67. No psych issues per se other than that he has suffered from depression for decades and has a tendency to rush into things and take them to extremes. I'm feeling like I should ask him to slow down, to wait, to let the fog of new love fade and then decide. Thoughts?

My thoughts are that your mother's request to your father is between them and them alone. Your father has every legal, moral, and spiritual right to pursue another marriage if he wishes. He knows what his wife asked of him. I would gently suggest that you give him your love, your support, and your best and clearest view of what's going on, then let him make his decisions.

[Backroads]

I suppose we would argue about the appropriateness of honoring his late wife's wishes, but I fail to understand why this should impact others. He is already committed to his second wife, I'm not sure what will change--in a purely practical sense.

[Just_A_Guy]

I agree with LM - he's an adult, and the sealing situation will ultimately be worked out between your parents, the new wife, and God. There's certainly an understandable awkwardness on your part; but beyond that - it's not really your problem.

What will be your problem, is if your dad isn't clear now about what should happen to his property on his death. Battles between second spouses and adult children of a decedent can get very nasty. If I were in your shoes I'd drop the temple issue and make sure my dad has seen an estate planning attorney - it's not necessarily your business to know who's getting what at this stage; but you should at least make sure that he has a clear plan in place.

[Just_A_Guy]

I recall being told that a man cannot take on and be sealed to a second wife, unless, his first wife agrees to it. It's basically like the same concept of polygamy. No multiple wives unless the first wife grants her permission. At least, this is what I recall..

It's called the "Law of Sarah". Incidentally, it didn't apply for Emma Smith because the man who holds the keys to the sealing power (i.e. the President of the Church) is specifically exempted from that law - see D&C 132:64-65.

[Backroads]

I agree with LM - he's an adult, and the sealing situation will ultimately be worked out between your parents, the new wife, and God. There's certainly an understandable awkwardness on your part; but beyond that - it's not really your problem.

What will be your problem, is if your dad isn't clear now about what should happen to his property on his death. Battles between second spouses and adult children of a decedent can get very nasty. If I were in your shoes I'd drop the temple issue and make sure my dad has seen an estate planning attorney - it's not necessarily your business to know who's getting what at this stage; but you should at least make sure that he has a clear plan in place.

You are such a lawyer.

Though I agree with you--that's probably a better thing to be worrying about.

[mnn727]

and the sealing situation will ultimately be worked out between your parents, the new wife, and God. There's certainly an understandable awkwardness on your part; but beyond that - it's not really your problem.

This says it completely: It will be worked out by God and all parties involved to their complete satisfaction -- its time for you to drop it.

[garryw]

It's called the "Law of Sarah". Incidentally, it didn't apply for Emma Smith because the man who holds the keys to the sealing power (i.e. the President of the Church) is specifically exempted from that law - see D&C 132:64-65.

The Reed Smoot hearings statement by Joseph F Smith shows how women were put between a rock and a hard place:

Question: Is it not true that ... if she refuses her consent her husband is exempt from the law which requires her consent.

President Smith: Yes; he is exempt from the law which requires her consent. She is commanded to consent, but if she does not, then he is exempt from the requirement.

Question: Then he is at liberty to proceed without her consent, under the law. In other words, her consent amounts to nothing?

President Smith: It amounts to nothing but her consent.

[Just_A_Guy]

The Reed Smoot hearings statement by Joseph F Smith shows how women were put between a rock and a hard place:

Question: Is it not true that ... if she refuses her consent her husband is exempt from the law which requires her consent.

President Smith: Yes; he is exempt from the law which requires her consent. She is commanded to consent, but if she does not, then he is exempt from the requirement.

Question: Then he is at liberty to proceed without her consent, under the law. In other words, her consent amounts to nothing?

President Smith: It amounts to nothing but her consent.

Do you have a link to the original transcript? I'd be interested to see what is represented by those ellipses.

[Sharky]

I don't know about when it involves "living" individuals but from the Family History stance there are thousands of women sealed to multiple men & thousands of men sealed to mutiple women & there are even children sealed to 2 or more sets of parents.

When I was a Church Service Missionary with the Family History Dept the standard answer was:

"In the Melenium all those things will be resolved".

I think the same would apply when it involves living ordinances ... In the Melenium all those issues will have the opportunity to be addressed and resolved.

[annewandering]

The Reed Smoot hearings statement by Joseph F Smith shows how women were put between a rock and a hard place:

Question: Is it not true that ... if she refuses her consent her husband is exempt from the law which requires her consent.

President Smith: Yes; he is exempt from the law which requires her consent. She is commanded to consent, but if she does not, then he is exempt from the requirement.

Question: Then he is at liberty to proceed without her consent, under the law. In other words, her consent amounts to nothing?

President Smith: It amounts to nothing but her consent.

He might be willing to risk her wrath but probably not smart. I wonder if there was an out like if he wanted another wife then she could ditch him and get another husband. It would only be fair.

[garryw]

Do you have a link to the original transcript? I'd be interested to see what is represented by those ellipses.

nboman.people.wm.edu/smoot.php

[garryw]

He might be willing to risk her wrath but probably not smart. I wonder if there was an out like if he wanted another wife then she could ditch him and get another husband. It would only be fair.

In the case of a dead spouse, the wrath is less scary. Although I'm sure that's how a majority of haunted houses came to be.

[Just_A_Guy]

Garry, thanks for the cite.

The thrust of the questioning was whether a woman could be "destroyed" for refusing to give her consent. Interestingly, just a few moments previously came this exchange:

Senator Pettus: Have there ever been in the past plural marriages without the consent of the first wife?

Mr. Smith: I do not know of any, unless it may have been Joseph Smith himself.

Following the cite you give Senator Beveridge tries to expand on the point:

Senator Beveridge: So that so far as there is anything in there concerning her consent, it might as well not be there?

Unfortunately, before Smith could answer, a Senator Overman cut in and took the questioning in a different direction.