I just need some opinions about my daughter's friendshipwith a Mormon!

[michelleglez25]

Hello, I am actually feeling a little guilty coming on here, but I have a situation that has come up and I don't know how to take it in.

A little background to start with may help. I am not Mormon, but have become familiar with the faith because my 8 year old daughters best friend is Mormon. I have been very open and very accepting. I have gone to church with my daughter to see the service, had missionaries at my home on multiple occasions and generally embraced the fact that this is who my daughter's friend is and learned to love the entire package. I am a far cry from Mormon myself. I am a mother of 5 and I devote my entire self to my family and God. I don't know what faith I am, but I love God and know how to be a moral woman. I have been very honest with daughter's friends

mother about my relationship with God and I believe we have become friends. I honestly cannot grasp the Mormon faith, but have the utmost respect for the faith and the strong family teachings. I am Italian and I certainly look like a typical 29 year old Italian. I have a lot of hair and wear it big, I wear a lot of make up, I have very long crazy fingernails and I dress flashy, but not immodest. I just figured everyone was used to this and I assume it isn't an issue.

My daughter's B Day is ths Sunday and I sent invitations out a few days ago. Considering our background, I didn't think it would come as a surprise to anyone that we were going to have lunch and do makeovers. I stated this clearly on the invites. We plan to paint nails, style hair and put a little glitter on the girls faces. I received a voicemail this morning that my daughters bestfriend would not be attending and no reason was given. Her mother said that she would make sure my daughter got a gift though. I called her back to let her know a gift was not necessary, but I was also hoping for an explanation. I realze it is not required. She said nothing. I said, "oh, you must have church and the party cut in to that time." She didn't really answer. She was short with me and typically isn't. I was so hurt. My logic is telling me to not be hurt, but I would like to know if this is not a party a 8 year old Mormon would be allowed to attend. I actually feel as if I have been looked at differently. I was on the verge of tears after the call. I just feel I have the right to know if this isn't something they would have their daughter participate in. If someone doesn't tell you, how do you know?

[skippy740]

Welcome to LDS.net!

I want to address your direct question - which is "why isn't my daughter's 8-year-old best friend that's a mormon not coming to my daughter's birthday party on Sunday?"

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints are taught to keep the Sabbath day holy. As such, there are various things we do to keep it holy.

Things we do:

We attend church services (typically 3 hours, sometimes longer if in leadership &/or the choir).

We spend time with our families.

We pray, read our scriptures and enjoy gospel centered entertainment - such as the BYU channel.

We visit other families in the ward to check in on them and share a gospel related message (the Home Teaching program of the church)

Things we try to avoid:

We don't spend money on the Sabbath, to help encourage others to also not work on the Sabbath.

We don't attend parties.

It's a day set aside for the Lord... and for ourselves to take a break from the rigors of life the other 6 days in the week.

Gospel Principles Chapter 24: The Sabbath Day

If the birthday party was on Saturday, it might've been different.

***

You also elude to the party's activities (makeovers), it's possible that she doesn't want her daughter introduced to make up yet. That's a parenting decision that's probably very common as we don't want our children to try to grow up too fast. Yes, it's a party and it's harmless... but it's still up to the parents to decide this.

I'm sorry that this other person wasn't able to clearly share our beliefs with you so that you may understand in the proper spirit of LDS Sabbath day practices.

It's also possible that you caught her on an "off" day. We're not exempt from the trials of life either.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi and welcome!

Please don't consider this lady's decision a snub. Mormons are taught early on that the Sabbath day is sacred, to be spent with family and in reverent activities. We're certainly not perfect in this regard, but basically, we tend to feel uncomfortable going to parties, football games, even places like movies or shopping or even filling up our gas tanks.

I'm guessing the lady didn't say anything because she didn't know how to, and really didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I would not be at all surprised to learn she and her kid probably agonized about going to your party, and are very much worried about impacting the friendship.

Here's some reading about what mormons believe about Sundays. Hopefully it will help you understand this lady's position, and understand that it is absolutely nothing personal.

Gospel Principles - the Sabbath Day

[slamjet]

I would think it less about the party than about the day. In the LDS church culture, Sundays are meant to be strictly family, rest and worship from the week-day, work-day world. So we do our best to not work nor do much of anything outside of family and church on that day. I bet if it was on a Saturday or any other day of the week it wouldn't be an issue.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

EDITED TO ADD: Hey all these guys type (or think) fast than I do. There were no responses when I started...so please forgive the part of my post that is repetitive. :)

Hi Michelle! Welcome to the board.

I am also a mom of 5, so I have an idea how busy your life is, LOL!

I think you sound like a really fun person, and a great mom. I am impressed that you took so much time to get to know about Mormons because your daughter has a Mormon friend. My kids have had friends of other faiths and I haven't done that.

I think the party you planned for you daughter sounds like a lot of fun. The only issue I would have if it were my daughter is that it is on Sunday. We reserve Sunday's for family and church. Just like any other faith, members vary in how strictly or loosely they observe the Sabbath, but I would guess that that is the issue.

If it were me I would have told you. I would say something like, "The party sounds really fun and my daughter is really sad but she is going to have to miss it because we reserve Sunday's for family and church." If that is the issue, I don't know why the other mom didn't just say that, but sometimes people have difficulty communicating things that seem simple to others.

I'm not sure why the mom seemed distant on the phone. But it is good to remember that there may be any number of reasons. Maybe she had an argument with her husband right before she called you. It could also be that you are right and it is something to do with you and your daughters, but I think it is too early to assume that.

I hope the party is a great success. And please feel free to stay and hang around here on the board. I like getting to know people of different faiths and cultures. If I met you in person, I would pursue a friendship with you! :)

Edited November 28, 2012 by LiterateParakeet

[prisonchaplain]

Another possiblity is that the mother may have assumed you know about LDS sabbath practices since you've become somewhat friendly. This is not fair, of course. However, don't we all make assumptions from time to time that lead to just these types of misunderstandings?

[Vort]

It's possible she wasn't comfortable with the Sunday activity. It's possible the problem is something else religion-related. And it's possible it has nothing at all to do with religious things; maybe there's home problems, maybe the girl is being punished, maybe Grandma died. From your description, there really isn't any way to find out.

But as others have pointed out, if it is religious in nature, there is a natural reluctance to come right out and say so, for fear that the friend (you) would interpret it as, "You people do WHAT on Sunday? What's WRONG with you? We would NEVER do such things on Sunday!" That sort of worry about offending is pretty common among Mormons, so it's possible that's what is going on.

[MorningStar]

It's very awkward when my kids get invited to parties on Sundays. I don't want the family to think we are disinterested, but then we don't want to come across as holier than thou to tell them we believe in keeping the Sabbath day holy. My son was trying to get together with a Jewish girl to play the violin together. Saturday didn't work for them and Sunday didn't work for us. It was nice that both of us understood though. :)

[Guest]

Michelle, instead of clicking "report post" in the corner of the post you want to reply to, scroll to the bottom of the page to reply. When you report a post it goes to the mods to alert them to a problem, but does not show up on your thread.

[Backroads]

I actually don't approve of the other mother's response. I don't think she intended it as a snub, but I can see why you felt you had been snubbed. My guess: she was in an awkward situation (read above for aforementioned Mormon views of the Sabbath day) and probably felt a combination of assuming you knew you about that and not really knowing how to politely say why her daughter couldn't come. So, while I think she could have responded better--I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt she didn't know how.

[dahlia]

I'm going to agree with everyone else about no parties on the Sabbath and add one more thing.

I've become close to the 2 little girls of a friend from church. I know that her husband does not want them wearing halter tops (even tho they were like 4 and 6), so that they would be used to wearing modest clothing and they don't use cola products. So, when I wanted to get them some girly things, I asked the mother first.

Fortunately, the parents are fine with the girly stuff and I have had fun buying things for them that I couldn't do because I had a boy. You just never know where people are on this spectrum, so the types of activities you want to do, which sound like innocent fun, could make another parent's head spin.

Even with mothers who are feminists and don't have religious issues, they may not want their girls to have fairy or princess stuff because they don't encourage strong women (whatev). It's a strange world, but it pays to ask first.

[Wingnut]

It's most likely just that it's on a Sunday, and obviously you should know that by now (tongue-in-cheek here!). Another thing though, is that if my daughter were 12, I'd be okay with her attending a party that was largely makeovers. If my daughter were still only 8, it would give me pause. I wouldn't automatically say no, but it seems a little young to me. I know everyone is different, though.

[MarginOfError]

I just need some opinions about my daughter's friendshipwith a Mormon!

Run for the hills!!!!

In other words, what they said.

[talisyn]

I'm going to be the odd one out (nothing new lol) and say that I would have sent my daughter to the birthday party. The kids are 8, and the little girl didn't deliberately ask for her bday to be on Sunday. That's kind've like not allowing your child to have a birthday party on Sunday. No one ever invited family and friends to a Sunday birthday get-together?