Another language thread, or, I'm a little ticked with the husband right now

[Backroads]

So, my husband, being a ranch/army guy, has something of a potty mouth. It's never particularly bothered me as I've had friends with similar language all through high school and college. But today his brother was over, I've been sick, and somehow, even the bit of colorful language really got to me. I don't understand why I'm feeling differently about it right now--though Husband has mentioned he wants to cut down for when we have kids. Part of me thinks I'm just being sensitive, part of me thinks I'm justified.

[mirkwood]

Potty mouth = bad habit and very hard to kick.

Still working on that one...

[Guest]

I've learned that when I'm sick, depressed, pregnant or about to have that special lady time, I need to sit on my feelings for a few days, because I'm most likely not reacting to things as rationally as I normally would. Do you have good headphones? :)

[Dravin]

Part of me thinks I'm just being sensitive, part of me thinks I'm justified.

Justified in what exactly?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I think he will want to restrain himself when you have children, because they are mimics especially when they are young.

However, about the situation today, since you never had a problem with his language before it seems unfair to be upset with him now. If you can figure out why it is suddenly bothering you then you could talk to him about it for next time. For example, "Hey Hubby, I realized today that it bothers me when you swear in front of company. What are your thoughts?"

About swearing in general (not that you asked, I just want to say it, LOL!) I used to be a purist who did not swear and did not think there was any need to do so. Now that I am in therapy, dealing with repressed memories and repressed rage, I sometimes feel some good swearing gives me more relief than chocolate. I still don't use it in every day conversation, but I think it truly does have some benefit. I know others will disagree, but I am ok with that. :) I am ok with your husband making his own choices as well.

[Backroads]

I've learned that when I'm sick, depressed, pregnant or about to have that special lady time, I need to sit on my feelings for a few days, because I'm most likely not reacting to things as rationally as I normally would. Do you have good headphones? :)

No...

I left them at the gym.

Though, to be fair, I have very low standards for good headphones. The ones I speak of were actually free and were valued at about 7 bucks.

The thing is, my husband is very good about altering his language for present company. Yeah, like mirkwood said, language is a hard thing to kick--Husband is very good about respecting my preference (swearing in my house growing up was the ultimate sin) and honestly swore no more with his brother than he does around me. I guess I need to go take a bubble bath or something and be girly.

[Backroads]

Justified in what exactly?

Justified in being upset that my husband curses. Justified that I can feel a bit holier-than-thou. Justified in my belief that clean language is a virtue.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

A good bubble bath cures many things...especially if you don't want to swear.

[prisonchaplain]

You are justified in being irritated by the bad language. Good responses would be to praise improvement and to look for the decrease. Avoid cursing the occasional lapse, so long as overall progress is made.

Ironically, as a kid in church we were told not to say "Geez, Gosh, or heck." These were deemed "Christian cussing," and God would know our intended meanings.

Some of those old standards were Pharisaical. On the other hand, it goes to show that your high expectations are nothing to be ashamed of, so long as they are humbly and supportatively communicated.

[Dravin]

Justified in being upset that my husband curses.

By and large I don't think because one accepted something about a person one can never be annoyed by it. How we react to it is highly important though. There is a difference between being annoyed at his habits and then there is participating in unhealthy and destructive behaviors (both to yourself and to your marriage) as a result of that annoyance.

Justified that I can feel a bit holier-than-thou.

Well the heart of that feeling is pride isn't it? Is pride of such a nature justified?

Justified in my belief that clean language is a virtue.

I think so considering the counsel we've been given to that effect by Church leaders.

Edited November 28, 2012 by Dravin

[mirkwood]

A good bubble bath cures many things...especially if you don't want to swear.

So that is how I've been going wrong in overcoming this habit. Who would have known?!?!!

[classylady]

The thing is, my husband is very good about altering his language for present company. Yeah, like mirkwood said, language is a hard thing to kick--Husband is very good about respecting my preference (swearing in my house growing up was the ultimate sin) and honestly swore no more with his brother than he does around me. I guess I need to go take a bubble bath or something and be girly.

Growing up, swearing in my house was also one of the ultimate sins. It just wasn't done. So, when my husband and I got married, the first time he said a garbage word, I was aghast! (DH must have been pretty mad to say a cuss word, because he didn't normally swear). Anyway, we had a talk and decided that we didn't want that kind of language in our home. I don't think I got all preachy with him. We just came to a joint conclusion of not wanting potty language. Our teenagers have been pretty good about it too. I'm not saying that they've been perfect, but they respect the rule of bad language in the house. (And I hope when they've been out-and-about with their friends and at school).

Right now we have a friend of my son living with us. He's 18, and didn't have that rule in his home. I've been good-naturedly trying to get across the "no swearing" rule in our home. He's catching on.

Edited November 29, 2012 by classylady

[skippy740]

backroads,

I'd hate to see you upset... since you seem very sound and nice online.

It's back to effective communication.

It's all about the "I" statements:

I FEEL... This is your emotion.

WHEN YOU... This is the other person's behavior.

***PARTICULARLY NOW BECAUSE... (I'm not feeling well, and so it's just 'grating' on me)***

BECAUSE... Your reason for feeling as you do.

I WANT... This is where you ask for what you want... OR

I WOULD LIKE... Or how you would like for things to be different.

If you do this, I'd be very surprised if he doesn't immediately apologize and ask what else he can do to make you comfortable.

[Vort]

So, my husband, being a ranch/army guy, has something of a potty mouth. It's never particularly bothered me as I've had friends with similar language all through high school and college. But today his brother was over, I've been sick, and somehow, even the bit of colorful language really got to me. I don't understand why I'm feeling differently about it right now--though Husband has mentioned he wants to cut down for when we have kids. Part of me thinks I'm just being sensitive, part of me thinks I'm justified.

I think you're justified in not wanting filthy or foul or even just vulgar language in your home. Not sure what advice to give, though.

[MorningStar]

An I feel statement. "When you swear, I feel like smacking you."

I remember being pregnant and being extra annoyed about this sort of thing. I was in the bathroom after taking a shower one day when I heard one of my husband's military co-workers in the living room talking to him using the F word every sentence. I came out and glared at him then looked at my husband like, "Why don't you tell this moron to watch his mouth in our home?!" The guy literally used the F word in every sentence, but admitted that he wasn't allowed to talk that way around his wife. This is what he said. "I have to go the the ****ing store to buy some ****ing soap for my ****ing TDY bag." So he stopped using the word around his wife, but strangely his 3-year-old started saying it.

Your husband will probably clean up his language for your child. That is, until he hits his thumb with a hammer. Or your future toddler accidentally or intentionally whacks him in the crotch with a hard object.

[skippy740]

Your husband will probably clean up his language for your child. That is, until he hits his thumb with a hammer. Or your future toddler accidentally or intentionally whacks him in the crotch with a hard object.

I'm thinking of The Best Two Years and the slugging for using the 'missionary f-word'... flip or fetch or whatever it was.

[Sharky]

Potty mouth = bad habit and very hard to kick.

Still working on that one...

Bad language & that southern drawl ....

No one hears my southern drawl anymore unless someone around me has a southern drawl.

Then it flows & I don't even realize it!

The bad language seems to flow freely every time one of my old friends (or brothers) shows up with their "potty-mouths".

New friends & strangers etc with bad language aren't a problem, I slip back into that habit only with the old friends & family that were a part of my own "potty-mouth" days.

[Guest]

This is my advice to everyone wanting to change their foul-language habits... get an Amazon or African Gray Parrot. It makes you very very careful what you say around the bird.

[mirkwood]

get an Amazon or African Gray Parrot.

What does food storage have to do with swearing?

[Bini]

I think he will want to restrain himself when you have children, because they are mimics especially when they are young..

THIS.

My daughter is one year and almost three months. She mimics EVERYTHING that her daddy does. He burps, and she tries to copy him, making "blegh, blegh" sounds. One day, hubby and I were teasing each other, and he stuck his fingers in his ears pretending not to hear me - baby copied and thinks it's hilarious.

On topic, we can relate. Both of us have a pretty colourful vocabulary. S bombs are everyday common in our household, and less common but still existent are F bombs. My husband is a contractor of an electrical company, and the language on construction job sites is pretty poor. This said, we have made an effort to tone it down. In fact, when I drop explicits, DH reminds me to be more mindful because ONE DAY our daughter will pick it up. I already have a couple friends that have young kids with potty mouths.. It's no wonder where they got it from, I mean really, it isn't rocket science.. Simply put, you and your husband will be your child's primary example, at least initially.

[applepansy]

Justified in being upset that my husband curses. Justified that I can feel a bit holier-than-thou. Justified in my belief that clean language is a virtue.

I think you're justified. Potty language does not bring the spirit into any situation, just the opposite.

When my husband was about 12 or 13 he was with his friend and his father (a sheep rancher). They needed to visit a neighbor who had a very colorful repertoire of bad words. The conversation was heated but the father never raised his voice or used bad language. When they got in the truck and were driving back to the pasture where the sheep were this great man said "Some people don't know better than to speak that way." No discussion, just a comment. That experience made a big impression on my husband. He doesn't use colorful language.

We've been married 36 years. He's worked retail management and he's worked construction. I can't count the number of people who ask me if he ever swears. He just doesn't and bad language in a movie really bothers him.

There are better words to use. Its amazing how a good vocabulary used skillfully can be more effective than vulgar words.

[Guest]

There are better words to use. Its amazing how a good vocabulary used skillfully can be more effective than vulgar words.

You mean, like...

How dare you insinuate that I can tolerate such a diabolical insolence from a scrap of humanity such as you!

Yeah, I don't get the foul language either. It's just not "classy" to me. But then, even without foul language, words can still be bad like the above... in my house, we impress upon each other that words are important - they have meaning. And the meaning of the words that you intended to say matters. So, you can't say "You're cupid." in exchange for "You're stupid" and all of a sudden it's fine.

Edited November 30, 2012 by anatess

[annewandering]

Your husband swearing is his problem or was. Now that you are adding a child into the mix it is thoughtful to consider if you want this behavior to carry on to your child.

It is not wrong to expect righteous behavior in your spouse but he does have to change with his own freewill. Part of being a parent comes with deciding what is good for the child and what needs to be worked on harder. It is great that you are becoming sensitive to this and goes to show that you are already into 'mom' thinking. Congrats!!!

[Bini]

I like that.. "Mom thinking"!

I remember the first time my husband, who is a gentle man, tossing baby high up into the air and catching her in his arms! I was in the background screaming, "She's a baby!" LOL. If there IS anything I've learned thus far, it's to pick your battles and not fret over the harmless stuff. Since my daughter was born, she's found a piece of broken glass and chewed it, had a scary allergic reaction to eggs, and recently banged her face on the edge of our living room table - splitting her top lip Some things are just out of our control, other things are manageable, like how we treat and communicate with our spouse (aka expressing ourselves) :)

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I am musing about attitudes about swearing...most church people say the kinds of things being said in this thread about how it is unnecessary etc. However, many people in the military and police (including church members) swear.

In the past, I would have thought that this had a lot to do with peer pressure...the military and the police are primarly men and swearing is not generally taboo. But given my recent experiences (I have changed my views on my personal swearing and I am not influenced by peers), no I wonder if military people, police and other groups I have not thought to identify...swear as a coping mechanism at times.

Any military, police, trauma survivors or therapists have any thoughts?