Sister won't talk to me because I refused to bully

[velvet]

I have to admit I am very hurt that my sister 9 years my senior will not talk to me anymore. After our first adult sibling died she was agitated at the selfishness of his "common law wife" who was being greedy and trying to take more of her share of monies, properties act. (away from my brothers 5 adult children from previous marriages.)

My sister got involved and I hear from other siblings she had written the "common law" wife a nasty letter and indicated all of the rest of the sibling felt this way.....

I wrote the "common law" wife and told her I did not appreciate my sister writing a nasty letter to her and implying the rest of us shared her negative opinion of her. I apologized to her and told her regardless of what is going on, my brother loved her sooooooo much and I appreciated that she, in the past actually saved his life.

My sister found out I apologized and then wrote me a nasty letter and said she did not appreciate that, when she was trying to "scare her". I replied saying the way she went about it was her business but her adding my name to some nasty letter was not her right.

I am so disappointed in her justifications of her bullying another person and then getting mad at me because i did not support this...

[MarginOfError]

So you didn't go along with her plan of harrassment so she chose to harrass you. Classy.

This is one of those times you give your one simple defense of what you did, "I did not want to be a part of a plan of harrassment and intimidation," and then refuse to discuss it further.

[Guest]

I'm not sure if you're asking for advice here.

You can't control what your sister does. You can only control how you react to it. Being disappointed in her actions is an okay reaction.

Just curious... it seems like your sister was trying to protect the interests of these 5 children. The means by which she did it may not be good but that's what she's trying to do. So, if not for what your sister did, what else is being done to protect the interests of these children?

[Backroads]

My one criticism is your letter to this common law SiL might have been seen of placing more blame on your sister. Making blame ties tends to make these situations worse.

But I still believe you were right to express your appreciation to this woman. I would refrain from adding any further drama, but stick to your guns.

[velvet]

anatess they are not children. They are all adults 4/6 of them have 3 or 4 children of their own. There is no need to write nasty letters and try to "scare" her and then take the liberty to say that all of us siblings feel the same way. I am trying to carry on a positive relationship and show her our beliefs we all discussed before he died. Then my sister gets involved and tells her off and now wont talk to me because I disagree'd with her methods. Yes my sister in "common law" was being selfish but I'm not going to go along with bullying and contention over money, it is not worth it. As a result of me trying to do what I believe is right which is love, I am shunned and she does not talk to me anymore.

I guess I'm not looking for advise, I just needed to get it out and have someone understand and agree that contention and bullying does no good. I still believe love is the key and that the adversary tries in all the ways he can to break up families. Unfortunately too often when a loved one dies we end up losing other loved ones over the material possessions and families go on a lifetime not talking to each other. I have reached out to her on several occasions and she avoids me. The sad thing is she is a stake RS president that does not see or want to see the hurt she has caused me. I will be fine and continue to put her name in the temple and pray for her. I just needed to vent, I don't want to talk to family because things then get blown out of proportion sometimes.

[Suzie]

Velvet, the method your sister used is wrong and I'm glad you realized that. If I was you, I wouldn't discuss the matter further because you explained yourself already. Whenever your sister is *ready* to have a civil discussion with you, she will contact you in the right manner. Best wishes.

[pam]

Death so many times brings out the worst in families.

[NeuroTypical]

Ah, the joys of a close group of siblings. I'm just guessing here, but sure sounds like you guys have a long track record of getting in each others business and making opinions known and hurting each other and whatnot. I'm further guessing that you're often right along side of them with such shenannigans.

What can we say? No matter what various manipulations and force you all try to leverage on each other, at the end of the day, you can only control yourself and your reactions. I know you've lived life as part of a collective, but really, you have individual agency.

[Guest TracyloveJohn]

In most cases, the halter is made to be tied on the back. Comparing with spaghetti straps, these ropes are usually much wider. Originating in the 16th century choosing to get married in white was something that was started by Queen Victoria. She opted to wear white on her special day rather than the royal traditional colour of silver as there was some lace that was given to her that she wanted to be incorporated into her wedding gown.

[velvet]

Loudmouth_Mormon, Your guessing is 100% wrong, the track record we have has been amazing, never ever have we had a disagreement. She took me in when I was in my senior year, she has been such an amazing sister. I have tried to reciprocate her generosity and unselfishness in my own way.

Just because she has been wonderful to me however, does not mean that I have to bully someone she deems unworthy of respect and kindness. I would never want my family or friends bullying someone who was mean to me, this is wrong and 2 wrongs don't make a right. I hate fighting so bad and I am disappointed and hurt but I'm getting over it. I know it is her problem. I have left it alone with the exception of making her a beautiful video and wrote her a song and posted it on her Facebook on her birthday. I know what I am doing is right, but it really is unfortunate as we were very close.

[Bini]

It sounds like your sister is dealing with her own loss and suffering from your brother's passing. And while you agree with her that your SIL is being selfish, you don't agree in how she went about addressing it, and rightfully so. While it doesn't justify her actions, I can understand that her motivation might stem from trying to honour (what might have been) your brother's wishes and in her mind, protect family (his children from previous marriage) that she believes he would want to be in the picture.

Tough situation. Don't discuss it anymore with your sister. Don't get into The Blame Game with your SIL. Leave things be. Pray for peace of mind. And best wishes.

[velvet]

update:  3 years later time healed this one.  Interesting now though, we are dealing with another sister who has gone apostate and has disowned us because we called her on her bashing the general authorities and calling them liars.  She lost her recommend and is blaming us sisters because a couple of them talked to her bishop in concern over her posting bashings of the church on social media.  It's never boring with 7 sisters thats for sure. 

[GratefulHeart]

Sometimes people we love just behave in ways we do not agree with. Sometimes we just don't have control to change things. She obviously is looking at it all from a different view, and doesn't want to change. In those kind of cases we just sometimes have to step back, and not get involved in the tangle. It just creates additional stress and tension. It hurts, especially when we love people we know are behaving in harmful ways, but sometimes we just have to step-back to prevent chain reactions and harm that could become directed at us. It sounds like a situation of "don't feed it". Its likely best to step back and not respond to her anger, it just will provide fuel.