How to make conversation with shy co-worker

[Suzie]

I met a new co-worker yesterday. She seems to be very nice and polite and very shy. Well, I guess you all figured out by now that I am far from shy. I introduced myself and she kind of introduced herself, then she said that she is very shy and walked away(I know, I scared the woman already). She came afterwards and we talked for a little while, she never makes eye contact.

I know she wants to fit in but I am not sure how to approach shy people, I have a hard time relating to this type of personality. Any tips? I don't want to overwhelm her yet I want her to feel welcome.

Any ideas?

[Vort]

I think you should stand up in the lunchroom at noon, introduce her, then have everyone start asking her to tell amusing anecdotes about herself. That should break the ice, and then she'll be fine.

[Wingnut]

Well, I guess you all figured out by now that I am far from shy.

Really?

[Suzie]

I think you should stand up in the lunchroom at noon, introduce her, then have everyone start asking her to tell amusing anecdotes about herself. That should break the ice, and then she'll be fine.

Someone introduced her. She was red as a cherry and kept saying softly "omg" over and over and over again. Then I saw her during lunch time talking to her burger.

[Vort]

Someone introduced her. She was red as a cherry and kept saying softly "omg" over and over and over again. Then I saw her during lunch time talking to her burger.

See? If she's willing to talk even to her food, she's just fine.

[Wingnut]

We're so helpful.

[john doe]

Someone introduced her. She was red as a cherry and kept saying softly "omg" over and over and over again. Then I saw her during lunch time talking to her burger.

Is she under 20? Those are the only people I know who actually say 'OMG' as if it's a real word.

[Anddenex]

Approach a shy person just as you already did, and continue to say hello. They open up eventually, they are looking for more comfort before they open up.

[Backroads]

As a shy person myself, my suggestion is to keep repeating the behavior you described. We shy people usually need repeated exposure to feel comfortable.

[pam]

I don't even have any suggestions as I'm extremely shy myself.

[dahlia]

I think you should stand up in the lunchroom at noon, introduce her, then have everyone start asking her to tell amusing anecdotes about herself. That should break the ice, and then she'll be fine.

Oh, Vort, you card, you! At first I thought, 'OMG, no!' Then I realized you were being silly. Dumb ole me...

[Dravin]

I met a new co-worker yesterday. She seems to be very nice and polite and very shy. Well, I guess you all figured out by now that I am far from shy. I introduced myself and she kind of introduced herself, then she said that she is very shy and walked away(I know, I scared the woman already). She came afterwards and we talked for a little while, she never makes eye contact.

I know she wants to fit in but I am not sure how to approach shy people, I have a hard time relating to this type of personality. Any tips? I don't want to overwhelm her yet I want her to feel welcome.

Any ideas?

I agree with the rest of the advice about letting her get comfortable with you. She'll probably come out over time, as familiarity breeds comfort and shyness usually boils down to not being comfortable in social situations. One thing to realize though is that it's not your job to bring her out of her shell. As someone who is on the introverted and shy side, and used to be more so, there is nothing more annoying then someone who looked upon me as being broken because I don't want to chat with random people and takes it upon themselves to try and fix me.

Edited February 8, 2013 by Dravin

[Backroads]

I don't even have any suggestions as I'm extremely shy myself.

We're not the best at socializing, are we? Heck, I have mild social anxiety, not just the usual shyness.

I'm trying to think of what people do to bring me out of my shell.

[Bini]

I'm not shy but I tend to be tight lipped amongst strangers or new people. My one piece of advice is to avoid putting a quiet person (whether they're shy or just private) on-the-spot. I think this is sometimes intentionally done by dropping an unexpected question on them in the middle of a crowded room. For some, perhaps many, it wouldn't be much of a deal to answer on spot like that. But for others, it can be intimidating or very intrusive. I would suggest a gentle approach in most cases when trying to approach someone new.

[Bini]

Excuse me, I meant UN-intentionally.

[Sharky]

Personaly, I really appreciate it when someone notices the "little things".

I was extremely shy as a kid/teenager & looking back I felt most important when someone noticed the things that were personal too me. Heck, I still appreciate it when someone notices the things I tend to keep to myself.

Look for & pay attention to detail!

Notice the little things that are situated on her desk where she is likley to be the only one to see them or perhaps what's hanging from her car mirror. The type of things most people either don't take note of, don't or are scared to acknowldge, or tend to ignore ..... then, without directly mentioning those things find a way to bring those interests into conversation.

The other thought I have is to include her, sit with her at lunch, invite her to go out to lunch (if she is uncomfortable going with the group, do it just the 2 of you). Walk with her in the hallway or to her car. Seek her out for idle conversation once-in-a-while, better yet, seek her out for input on a work situation.

Take the time to at least say "Hi" & enquire how she is doing in her work life & personal life every single work day!

She'll probly be quiet & shy & not give much of answer or conversation at first, but keep at. Even if you don't see any changes, I promise, it'll be making a difference in her life!

[Jennarator]

I'll say whatever on here.....in person, I am shy.

So I have no idea.

[Sharky]

I'm not shy but I tend to be tight lipped amongst strangers or new people. My one piece of advice is to avoid putting a quiet person (whether they're shy or just private) on-the-spot. I think this is sometimes intentionally done by dropping an unexpected question on them in the middle of a crowded room. For some, perhaps many, it wouldn't be much of a deal to answer on spot like that. But for others, it can be intimidating or very intrusive. I would suggest a gentle approach in most cases when trying to approach someone new.

About 6-months ago I was approached & asked why I never even pop in on a Sunday School class anymore. I use to LOVE the Gospel Principals class.

Anyhow, the attendance of the Gospel Principals class had dropped significantly (from 20 +/- to 3 regulars), & many who attended that class have started skipping out after Sacrament Meeting, not just changing classes.

I explained my reasonings .... the "new" teacher is a "professional teacher" (she teaches middle school). She does NOT allow anyone to sit through that hour without some level of active participation.

Ironically, in the front of the Gospel Princpals manual it states that the instructor should get to know each of those attending the class and adapt their teaching styles accordingly ...

I'm paraphrasing but it goes something like ....some members may not feel comfortable being called on to answer a question or asked to read in class....

[Irishcolleen]

She may not be shy. It could be something like aspergers. My son, who is in software engineering, has aspergers. Conversation is so difficult for him. He's very smart, it's just that the flow of conversation is difficult and he used to lock up when people tried to engage him in conversation and eye contact was impossible. He has blossomed during the past couple years and is much better, although he still struggles in conversation. At least he doesn't lock up anymore!

It might help if you sit by her at lunch and let her know it's ok if she doesn't want to talk. Try and notice if she has any interests, or is very involved in a work project and ask her a question about that. Try and make it a yes or no question. As she gets more comfortable and you know her better start asking deeper questions. Be prepared for her to ignore you or take quite a while to get the answer out. Just patiently wait for an answer or be ok with no answer.

[Suzie]

Thank you so much for the responses. Today we started talking a bit and I asked her if she has any hobbies, and she talked non-stop about it for 25 minutes! lol I was very surprised, she didn't make eye contact while talking but looked at me for a little bit when I was the one doing the talking.

[MorningStar]

Someone introduced her. She was red as a cherry and kept saying softly "omg" over and over and over again. Then I saw her during lunch time talking to her burger.

Sit next to her and talk to your pasta. Then make your pasta talk back with a cute voice and maybe have it introduce itself to her burger. "Hi, I'm pasta! Those are some nice buns you have!"

Then she'll slap you with a sexual harassment lawsuit.

[MorningStar]

For reals though, my sister-in-law has terrible social anxiety and had panic attacks for a long time when she got her new job. She still has them sometimes and she has made friends over time. Maybe leave a nice note on her desk welcoming her and let her get comfortable. :)