Questions before engaged/ How long to Wait

[FreeForA11]

I have 2 questions for everyone out there to give advice to a young guy who is already for marriage. I just returned from my mission and after studying the prophets these last 2 years, I've learned that it is very recommended(seems like a commandment from my understanding) is that RMs should get married as soon as possible, they say even in a year. With that knowlegde it haunted me, but all of a sudden its what I want even though I don't start school untill the fall and will start working in a week.

Anyways, I already met someone and its weird how fast we connected with eachother, and it seems like the relationship has jumped to higher levels and we only have had 3 dates(2 week period). The question is it wise to get married in little time like get engage after 1-2months? Ive been praying a lot to ask HF if she is the one that will allow me to be my happiest.

The other question, is what are some questions you should ask before getting too serious(or engage)? I know about like how many kids, where to live, but anyone have a bigger list that is appropriate for lds people? Thanks

[applepansy]

One thing I think is important is to know how a future spouse reacts when really angry.

When my grandmother's generation was dating, their friends and family set up scenes (for lack of a better word) as a surprise to get a genuine reaction from the possible future fiance. It showed everyone who a person really was. I think its a good idea but in our world today somewhat difficult to execute.

I would make sure first and foremost that you are on the same page in your commitment to God. Everything else can be worked through.

[Vort]

No. There is no general counsel for returned missionaries to hurry and get married within a year, and in general, it is unwise to get engaged after dating for only a few weeks or a month or two.

Make sure she likes you and you like her. Amazing how many people fail to assure themselves of this seemingly simple part.

[Anddenex]

1. Does she love the Lord as much as you do?

2. Do you share similar gospel ideas, thoughts, and hopes for the future?

3. What type of toilet paper do you like, and if you like the toilet paper sheets rolled facing the wall, or away from the wall?

I would be more concerned in finding the right woman than how soon you get married after your mission. Allow the Lord to work within his time table to introduce you to a right woman for you.

Ask her about her dreams, what she hopes, and discover whether or not your career choice will be able to support her standard of living, or the financial success she feels she deserves.

Discover if she has entitlement issues, or is simply content with what she has in life.

How does she serve in her callings at Church? Does she magnify her callings? Does she pray? Does she pay her tithing if she has a job?

Get to know roommates and how easily she gets along with roommates.

[Dravin]

Anyways, I already met someone and its weird how fast we connected with eachother, and it seems like the relationship has jumped to higher levels and we only have had 3 dates(2 week period). The question is it wise to get married in little time like get engage after 1-2months?

Baring strong confirmation from the spirit I'm inclined to say probably not. One issue is just how much time you've been spending together and what you've been spending it doing. The point of the courting is in part to get to know each other, unless you've been spending most of that time in deep conversation you probably don't know each other all that well.

I've been praying a lot to ask HF if she is the one that will allow me to be my happiest.

Have you studied it out in your mind? And by 'it' I mean her suitability as a potential eternal companion. If not I suggest D&C 9:7 is applicable here.

The other question, is what are some questions you should ask before getting too serious(or engage)? I know about like how many kids, where to live, but anyone have a bigger list that is appropriate for lds people? Thanks

There are a couple books out there for questions to ask before marriage, there are even ones with LDS in mind. It could be a good resource. Now my suggestions follow from the idea that engagement is an agreement to be married unless some red flags pop up, I know that isn't everyone's perspective but I thought I'd point that out because some might object to the topics as pre-engagement. My thought though is if you can't bring yourself to discuss these topics before the question is popped you won't be able to bring yourself after, the time to develop that communication and comfort is before the engagement not during.

Topics to discuss:

• Fiances. I'm not just talking about who will balance the checkbook and mail the checks, but things like saving and spending. Are you a spender and she a saver? Vice versa? If you don't have the same views can you reconcile them?
• Children. As mentioned children, not just the number but parenting strategies. I realize there is a lot of on the job learning so to speak but are you dead set against corporal punishment and she not? Does one of you insist they learn an instrument?
• Parents. Namely what do you feel your and her parents, and family in general, roles will be in this new family of yours?
• Sex. I'm not talking mechanics, but what are your philosophies? What is the role of sex in marriage? What obligations or responsibilities do you have towards each other? Do you have any responsibilities or duties.
• Vocations. Is she comfortable with the probably lifestyle it will bring? I'm not just talking about money. Will you need to move to foster your career? Will the likely hours be and issue such as travel or shift work? Will she want to work, either before or after children? If you both want a career whose will get priority?
• Marital roles. Who has what responsibilities? Will you mow the lawn and she wash the dishes? Will you both do laundry? Will it be her job? yours?
• Faith. Even if you are both active faithful LDS that does not mean you see everything the same. A good example would be something like Sabbath day observance. Do you agree on when the garment should and should not be worn?
• Recreation. What is acceptable recreation? Do you have hobbies you are rally attached to, are you willing to support each other's hobbies? Or do you see each others hobbies are silly, stupid, pointless wastes of time and potentially resources?
• Propriety and ground rules. Will you share email passwords? What do you feel are appropriate and inappropriate interactions and relationships with the opposite sex? What type of decisions need to be made jointly? What ones can be done unilaterally?

Clearly this is a non-exhaustive list but it should give you some ideas. And if you are of he opinion that some of these shouldn't be discussed before engagement I urge you to at least not forget them after the question.

Edited February 22, 2013 by Dravin

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

You've received some really great advice already. I echo them...slow down, take your time. I think when our Leaders encourage RMs to get married, they mean don't plan on waiting until you finish your degree, you should start LOOKING right away.

My husband didn't get married until he was 33, not for any lack of looking, but the Lord kept telling him "no". For example, once he and a girl were getting serious. I thiink they had even talked about marraige. One day she felt impressed to ask him for a blessing. He gave her the blessing and was prompted by the Spirit to tell her to date other young men. They were both stunned and disappointed. I think it was still a few more years before he met me (I think the delay was my fault..coming from a very dsyfunctional home, I needed some healing time before I could be a good marraige partner). At last though we met. I was 28 and he was 33. when we got married. Now fast forward almost 20 yrs, we have 5 children and we couldn't be happier.

My husband is a wonderful person and has been a miracle support to me during a tremendously difficult time of healing from childhood abuse...I am so grateful that the Lord "saved" him for me.

I doubt the Lord will keep you waiting that long, but the point is, be prayerful and be patient. Marraige lasts a long time, and is not something to rush in to. . .if you don't believe me, read some of the threads in the advice forum...

[FreeForA11]

1. Does she love the Lord as much as you do?

2. Do you share similar gospel ideas, thoughts, and hopes for the future?

3. What type of toilet paper do you like, and if you like the toilet paper sheets rolled facing the wall, or away from the wall?

I would be more concerned in finding the right woman than how soon you get married after your mission. Allow the Lord to work within his time table to introduce you to a right woman for you.

Ask her about her dreams, what she hopes, and discover whether or not your career choice will be able to support her standard of living, or the financial success she feels she deserves.

Discover if she has entitlement issues, or is simply content with what she has in life.

How does she serve in her callings at Church? Does she magnify her callings? Does she pray? Does she pay her tithing if she has a job?

Get to know roommates and how easily she gets along with roommates.

I really liked what you said about asking about her dreams etc. And I'm doing what I can to make sure she is the right one. Everytime I'm with her or talking with her, I think ahead in the future of what would it be like with her as a wife depending on the situation.

Baring strong confirmation from the spirit I'm inclined to say probably not. One issue is just how much time you've been spending together and what you've been spending it doing. The point of the courting is in part to get to know each other, unless you've been spending most of that time in deep conversation you probably don't know each other all that well.

Have you studied it out in your mind? And by 'it' I mean her suitability as a potential eternal companion. If not I suggest D&C 9:7 is applicable here.

There are a couple books out there for questions to ask before marriage, there are even ones with LDS in mind. It could be a good resource. Now my suggestions follow from the idea that engagement is an agreement to be married unless some red flags pop up, I know that isn't everyone's perspective but I thought I'd point that out because some might object to the topics as pre-engagement. My thought though is if you can't bring yourself to discuss these topics before the question is popped you won't be able to bring yourself after, the time to develop that communication and comfort is before the engagement not during.

Topics to discuss:

• Fiances. I'm not just talking about who will balance the checkbook and mail the checks, but things like saving and spending. Are you a spender and she a saver? Vice versa? If you don't have the same views can you reconcile them?
• Children. As mentioned children, not just the number but parenting strategies. I realize there is a lot of on the job learning so to speak but are you dead set against corporal punishment and she not? Does one of you insist they learn an instrument?
• Parents. Namely what do you feel your and her parents, and family in general, roles will be in this new family of yours?
• Sex. I'm not talking mechanics, but what are your philosophies? What is the role of sex in marriage? What obligations or responsibilities do you have towards each other? Do you have any responsibilities or duties.
• Vocations. Is she comfortable with the probably lifestyle it will bring? I'm not just talking about money. Will you need to move to foster your career? Will the likely hours be and issue such as travel or shift work? Will she want to work, either before or after children? If you both want a career whose will get priority?
• Marital roles. Who has what responsibilities? Will you mow the lawn and she wash the dishes? Will you both do laundry? Will it be her job? yours?
• Faith. Even if you are both active faithful LDS that does not mean you see everything the same. A good example would be something like Sabbath day observance. Do you agree on when the garment should and should not be worn?
• Recreation. What is acceptable recreation? Do you have hobbies you are rally attached to, are you willing to support each other's hobbies? Or do you see each others hobbies are silly, stupid, pointless wastes of time and potentially resources?
• Propriety and ground rules. Will you share email passwords? What do you feel are appropriate and inappropriate interactions and relationships with the opposite sex? What type of decisions need to be made jointly? What ones can be done unilaterally?

Clearly this is a non-exhaustive list but it should give you some ideas. And if you are of he opinion that some of these shouldn't be discussed before engagement I urge you to at least not forget them after the question.

This is good info, thanks for breaking it down into categories and then now I can just be creative how to branch them out.

You've received some really great advice already. I echo them...slow down, take your time. I think when our Leaders encourage RMs to get married, they mean don't plan on waiting until you finish your degree, you should start LOOKING right away.

My husband didn't get married until he was 33, not for any lack of looking, but the Lord kept telling him "no". For example, once he and a girl were getting serious. I thiink they had even talked about marraige. One day she felt impressed to ask him for a blessing. He gave her the blessing and was prompted by the Spirit to tell her to date other young men. They were both stunned and disappointed. I think it was still a few more years before he met me (I think the delay was my fault..coming from a very dsyfunctional home, I needed some healing time before I could be a good marraige partner). At last though we met. I was 28 and he was 33. when we got married. Now fast forward almost 20 yrs, we have 5 children and we couldn't be happier.

My husband is a wonderful person and has been a miracle support to me during a tremendously difficult time of healing from childhood abuse...I am so grateful that the Lord "saved" him for me.

I doubt the Lord will keep you waiting that long, but the point is, be prayerful and be patient. Marraige lasts a long time, and is not something to rush in to. . .if you don't believe me, read some of the threads in the advice forum...

Thats amazing about what happen in the blessing. Situations like that makes me think that soul mates exist even though they technically do not.

Sorry if I may had made it sound like I wanted to rush into a marriage. Its not like that at all. Through my life I haven't been a guy that dates a lot. I observe a lot about what a woman wants, how she wishes to be treated, etc. I am very respectful towards girls. I know what I want in a girl now, specially from what I learned in the mission, and when I choose something is because I'm very confident in that choice and thats what I want. So this wasn't just the first girl you see get marry to her lol. It was just a different feeling, something I can't explain. I wasn't planning on seeing girls for a while cause I'm still going through mission withdraws so just talking her still feels weird lol.

Also this relationship has only been on communication. We have asked eachother lots of questions, questions I wouldn't have asked any other girl, which was weird too. Another thing is its all been on gospel and the family. She knows my standings and I know her standings on the gospel and how we want to live it. We haven't even held hands yet(and before my mission, thats what I did during the first date lol).

Thanks for your advices, more is welcome :)

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Thats amazing about what happen in the blessing. Situations like that makes me think that soul mates exist even though they technically do not.

I have a thought about that, that I would rather not share publically...I will send you a PM. :)

[MarginOfError]

My advice

1) Don't get married when you're still on your post-mission high

2) Don't get married as long as you are of the opinion that you must get married "as soon as possible"

3) I recommend against getting married to anyone you have known less than a year

There is no commandment to get married as soon as possible. Get married when you have met a person that you are compatible with, fight well with, play well with, and you are confident you can work with through a life of trials, adversity, fun, and family.

[Bini]

My advice

1) Don't get married when you're still on your post-mission high

2) Don't get married as long as you are of the opinion that you must get married "as soon as possible"

3) I recommend against getting married to anyone you have known less than a year

There is no commandment to get married as soon as possible. Get married when you have met a person that you are compatible with, fight well with, play well with, and you are confident you can work with through a life of trials, adversity, fun, and family.

Aced! Precise and concise.

[FreeForA11]

My advice

1) Don't get married when you're still on your post-mission high

2) Don't get married as long as you are of the opinion that you must get married "as soon as possible"

3) I recommend against getting married to anyone you have known less than a year

There is no commandment to get married as soon as possible. Get married when you have met a person that you are compatible with, fight well with, play well with, and you are confident you can work with through a life of trials, adversity, fun, and family.

What you said is whats going to happen. I'll add one more piece of information. But I ask everyone not to talk about their opinions on it if you don't mind. She is going on a mission. When we started out, she had some of her paper work filled out, but when we met, she had a doubt about going. But she told me also that the Lord wanted her to go cause she received a confirmation. And I told her to do what the Lord said, I plan on marrying an ex missionary according to my desires anyways. I haven't made any promises yet about waiting either yet, I told her I would tell her a little more in the future if everything goes to plan.

So thats the information I left out but if you guys don't mind, I would like to continue receiving your advice without having this in mind that she is going on a mission and if I should wait or not. thanks

[mdfxdb]

Don't wait. If it happens it happens, but you are young don't restrict yourself, and try to get a firm grasp on what it is you really want out of a future spouse.

[Jennarator]

I do remember someone saying long cortship short engagement. But I am horrible about finding hte source, o it could be just me.

Anyways there are some awesome things that you can google just about questions to ask before getting married. We did that before getting married and it was awesome. Just went down a bunch of lists with questions. It's fun and you really get to know the person. Some would be unimportand to lds peol=ple, but just skip those. Most were still very good quesions.

[MarginOfError]

What you said is whats going to happen. I'll add one more piece of information. But I ask everyone not to talk about their opinions on it if you don't mind. She is going on a mission. When we started out, she had some of her paper work filled out, but when we met, she had a doubt about going. But she told me also that the Lord wanted her to go cause she received a confirmation. And I told her to do what the Lord said, I plan on marrying an ex missionary according to my desires anyways. I haven't made any promises yet about waiting either yet, I told her I would tell her a little more in the future if everything goes to plan.

So thats the information I left out but if you guys don't mind, I would like to continue receiving your advice without having this in mind that she is going on a mission and if I should wait or not. thanks

You'll find I'm really bad at following instructions.

If she's going to serve a mission, then this is probably a moot discussion.

[Dravin]

You'll find I'm really bad at following instructions.

If she's going to serve a mission, then this is probably a moot discussion.

I'd say the advice given is still generally applicable, after all if she goes on a mission the same advice can apply to the next girl he's pondering about.

[FreeForA11]

I'd say the advice given is still generally applicable, after all if she goes on a mission the same advice can apply to the next girl he's pondering about.

Thank you for seeing the brighter picture.

[John11111]

Wait get to know her I agree with others give it at least 6months to a year before you decide not saying that if you dont give it time it wont work out just you will know her much better.

Reason people say to get married quick imo is to keep couples from messing up with the law of chastity feelings and emotions and sex drives can go crazy just keep your desires in check and save them for marriage.

[Misshalfway]

I'll quote Paul Simon. "Slow down. You move too fast."

Look kid....I'm not the oldest cat in the den but I'll tell you what, marriage is hard even under the best circumstances. So, give yourself the best shot for success and learn how to make good decisions.

Early love is a lot like being on herion. You rarely make good decisions when you are high on it! And maybe feeling awesome IS an indication that you've found the "one". Or maybe it just means you are high. You won't know until time tells you. So, settle in and enjoy the ride a bit. Young and in love only happens when you are young and in love. So don't jump so fast to the future that you miss enjoying your life!

Your heart is working. That part seems clear. But don't forget to use your mind. Use God's mind too. Watch. Pay attention. Let things mature a bit. You can't know if the fruit is good until the day of the harvest. So...just wait for the day of the harvest! But don't wait too long.....or you might end up a bum.

[NeuroTypical]

She is going on a mission.

...

I would like to continue receiving your advice without having this in mind that she is going on a mission and if I should wait or not.

No idea what you're asking. You want advice on getting married quickly, but the person you might be marrying won't be available for over a year?

Are you looking for advice on finding someone else to marry quickly?

[mnn727]

Ask her about her dreams, what she hopes, and discover whether or not your career choice will be able to support her standard of living, or the financial success she feels she deserves.

Discover if she has entitlement issues, or is simply content with what she has in life.

How does she serve in her callings at Church? Does she magnify her callings? Does she pray? Does she pay her tithing if she has a job?

Besides the above

Get to know her views on money and debt (hopefully you know yours by now).

Get to know her views on children and how to raise them.

These two things (can) cause more problems in a marriage than anything else.

Edited February 25, 2013 by mnn727

[Misshalfway]

Besides the above

Get to know her views on money and debt (hopefully you know yours by now).

Get to know her views on children and how to raise them.

These two things (can) cause more problems in a marriage than anything else.

I thought it was sex and money.

But, OP, don't go finding out her views on that. You might scare her mother!

[Davis27]

I think its not a good thing that you fall in love with anyone and you quickly want that he/she marry with you.Because in this way you may face many problems due to lack of understanding each others.So you must take time to understand each other completely than go next.And if you think both of you can sacrifice for each other than you may quickly get married after some weeks without any problem.Because you sacrifice for each other if some thing happen in your life.