Your perception of ex Mormonism

[Bini]

I'm interested in having a candid but tactful discussion on the perceptions of ex Mormonism. All responses are welcomed, however, I'm greatly interested in personal accounts from those that left Mormonism and returned, and those that left and are labeled "ex Mormon". (I know that we have a couple long time valued posters here that are ex Mormon.) Again, to avoid breaking site rules and the closing of thread, please be mindful of others.

So because there are varying perceptions of what entails ex Mormonism and what an ex Mormon is, what is your definition? Do you use the term "ex Mormon" as a label for any and all persons that have resigned from Mormonism? Or just those that openly degrade Mormonism?

I've been thinking about some of the stigmas of ex Mormonism and being an ex Mormon. I think that there's a wide pendulum swing on this topic, one end consisting of ex Mormons bashing Mormons, and one end of Mormons bashing ex Mormons. I'm on neither end but somewhere in the middle. I know that there are many reasons as to why someone might leave the LDS gospel, and while perhaps many of those individuals have felt wronged and left out of hurt or anger, I know that some find truth elsewhere that they believe is genuine (whatever faith or teachings that may be). So when putting things into perspective (and the two aforementioned are only two general concepts), I find it difficult to go along with the often times blanket statement or stigma, that ex Mormons are just out to stir trouble and spread falsehoods. For the record, I'm not in denial that some do, or that there are large communities dedicated to such, but there are some that don't - and I think the overall stigma of being an ex Mormon can be inaccurate.

What are your thinkings?

[RipplecutBuddha]

I let people label themselves. If they consider themselves an ex-mormon to the point of verbalizing it, I suppose I'd be comfortable in saying it of them myself. It's really all about how others want to be seen as far as I'm concerned.

Of course, I tend to let people enjoy the liberty we all have through the agency God gave us. No matter the situation, people will do as they choose, and I'm cool with that.

[livy111us]

All of the ex-Mormons I deal with can be summarized in two words: bitter and angry

[Backroads]

Intellectually, I consider an ex-Mormon to be anyone who was a Mormon and no longer is. But usually the term gets to me on a more emotional level for the following reasons:

• I like the Mormon faith and it makes me sad when people leave it.
• "Ex-Mormon" connotates a bitter approach when ex-Mormons themselves use it. I used to be a teacher, now I'm a Scouting professional. I don't call myself an "ex-teacher". My mom's friend is technically an ex-Mormon, but she doesn't call herself that. She calls herself a Methodist and doesn't bother to call attention to the fact that she was a Mormon but isn't any longer. To have no other label but "Ex-Mormon" suggests to me a preoccupation with the situation and an inability to move forward.
• Friends and acquaintences who consider themselves to be "Ex-Mormons" tend to get, if not mean, picky and controversial about subjects.

Now, I can appreciate going down a different spiritual path, and I have heard the justification that the anger and bitterness is simply part of the journey and recovery. But I don't agree with that. Obsessing over what you didn't like, didn't feel right, probably isn't the best way to move on in life.

[pam]

My definition is someone that has had their name removed from the records of the church or has been excommunicated with absolutely no plan to return. The emphasis on no plan to return. I'll use Slamjet as an example. He has been excommunicated. That is no secret here on the board. Do I consider him Mormon? You bet I do.

Another that I would consider to be an Ex-Mo would be those that openly and defiantly work against the church.

[selek]

For myself, I draw the same distinction (as others have already mentioned) between "former Mormons" and "ex-Mormons".

"Former Mormons" are people who have left the Church for whatever reason and who have gotten on with their lives.

"Ex-Mormons", in my vernacular, are those who have left the Church but feel a nigh-overwhelming need to justify that decision to all and sundry.

It closely parallels a joke I heard growing up.

Said a father to his son, "Son, never ask a man if he is from Texas. If he is not, you don't want to embarass him. If he is, he'll tell you soon enough."

[MarginOfError]

one end consisting of ex Mormons bashing Mormons, and one end of Mormons bashing ex Mormons.

And then you've got me....a mormon who bashes mormons

Does that make me an Anti-Exmormon-Mormon?

[pam]

And then you've got me....a mormon who bashes mormons

Does that make me an Anti-Exmormon-Mormon?

You..you..you..Mormon basher you. :)

[Guest gopecon]

I think some who call themselves "ex Mormons" can still be on the rolls. Whether they are or not, the label of "ex" is generally one who is somewhat hostile/antagonistic to the church. Many inactive members still express fond feelings toward the Church. Even if they have found another place to go, they don't harbor serious illwill toward the Church.

[skippy740]

I think the following apply to those who consider themselves "ex-LDS":

1) They have forgotten who they made their covenants with and why. (Hint: We covenant with the Godhead, not with man. We covenant to sustain the Lord's servants, but not to blindly follow.)

2) They have become offended by something in the Church (people or doctrine) and allowed it to fester in their souls like a cancer, instead of studying/praying it out.

3) They can't leave the Church (people/doctrine) alone after they officially left it and seek to find additional sources & groups to help support and justify their newfound position outside of the Kingdom.

[Bini]

Your responses have helped me understand how many LDS define ex Mormonism and ex Mormons, and I'm relieved by the feedback, too. I now see that the term "ex Mormon" is generally considered derogatory, and not used to define everyone that leaves or is excommunicated but reserved for those that actively work against the LDS church and its gospel teachings.

Pam, I agree with you about Slam. He has dealt with some personal trials and yet has overcome so much. That takes strength, especially, when you feel like you're going it alone at times.

[Vort]

Maybe I'm more literal about word meanings than many here, but I take "ex-Mormon" to mean just that -- someone who used to be a Mormon but no longer is. I attach no intrinsically negative meaning to the word beyond the obvious, but I admit that my reaction to the description is somewhat negative. So it apparently has some negative connotations to me.

[Backroads]

Maybe I'm more literal about word meanings than many here, but I take "ex-Mormon" to mean just that -- someone who used to be a Mormon but no longer is. I attach no intrinsically negative meaning to the word beyond the obvious, but I admit that my reaction to the description is somewhat negative. So it apparently has some negative connotations to me.

I imagine there are a number of no-longer-Mormon folks who would use the term "ex-Mormon" to describe themselves for lack of any other term, despite feeling no serious ill-will towards the Church or anyone in it, not realizing just what an emotionally-charged term it is.

[Dravin]

For the record ex-Mormonism kind strikes me as incorrect terminology, though that might be because I take a more literal approach to the meaning of ex-Mormon. Some seem to be equating anti-Mormon with ex-Mormon and I see the former to be, generally as there are anti-Mormons with current membership, a subgroup of the latter. Ex-Mormonism implies to me some unified belief system or philosophy binding ex-Mormons together, and other than the fact they are all had and now no longer have membership it strikes me as the equivalent to talking about ex-Texanism when discussing people who used to live in Texas.

Clear as mud?

[Dravin]

Maybe I'm more literal about word meanings than many here, but I take "ex-Mormon" to mean just that -- someone who used to be a Mormon but no longer is. I attach no intrinsically negative meaning to the word beyond the obvious, but I admit that my reaction to the description is somewhat negative. So it apparently has some negative connotations to me.

Is the connotation because you attribute anti-Mormonism? Or because it delineates someone who had the truth and has tossed it away?There are repentant excommunicants striving to regain membership and so in a sense have not thrown away the truth even if membership has been lost. However if you say ex-Mormon I'm more likely to think someone who has lost their testimony which either directly or indirectly lead to their excommunication.

[Backroads]

I understood it, Dravin. (I hope).

Different terms would be preferred, though I don't know how to go about getting the world to agree on those terms. Sigh.

[Vort]

Is the connotation because you attribute anti-Mormonism? Or because it delineates someone who had the truth and has tossed it away?There are repentant excommunicants striving to regain membership and so in a sense have not thrown away the truth even if membership has been lost. However if you say ex-Mormon I'm more likely to think someone who has lost their testimony which either directly or indirectly lead to their excommunication.

For those who have forsaken their covenants but harbor no animosity or open ill will toward the Church, I don't condemn them. I'm happy to leave that to God and just hope their hearts are turned toward him at some point. I suppose the root of my distaste for the term "ex-Mormon" might stem in part from the infamous group "Ex-Mormons for Jesus", who openly celebrate their estrangement from the Church by lyingly suggesting that "Mormons" aren't "for Jesus" (rah, rah, sis-boom-bah).

[selek]

Maybe I'm more literal about word meanings than many here, but I take "ex-Mormon" to mean just that -- someone who used to be a Mormon but no longer is.

I think that this is a matter of "letter of the law" versus "spirit of the law".

In the strictest sense, your parsimonious approach is the correct one. On-paper, an "ex-Mormon" is someone who used to be Mormon, but is not any longer.

That having been said, the usage of the vernacular is also correct.

Words are used to convey ideas- and thus have meaning beyond their strict dictionary definition.

Because the term allows us to accurately and concisely convey and discuss a reality that each of us has experienced, the usage- and the connotations attached- are valid.

If, on the other hand, we were taking the Alice-in-Wonderland caterpillar approach of "when I use a word, it means precisely what I wish it to mean and nothing more", then the use would be invalid- special pleading, at best.

It is the term's usefulness- it's validity as a means of exchange- that gives it meaning.

Edited February 22, 2013 by selek

[Dravin]

I think that this is a matter of "letter of the law" versus "spirit of the law".

I think it's a case of denotative versus connotative meanings (the same thing you are saying, just different words). Neither are invalid, the latter is simply more contextual.

Edited February 22, 2013 by Dravin

[selek]

I think it's a case of denotative versus connotative meanings, neither are invalid the latter is simply more contextual.

Show off.

[Vort]

Show off.

Every time Dravin shows off, I feel like I get a little bit smarter.

[Irishcolleen]

A few people have described "ex-Mormons" as bitter and angry. It is unusual that there is even the term "ex-Mormon". You rarely hear a former Catholic, for example, called "ex-Catholic". Are ex-Mormon really bitter and angry, or is it jut a perception? If they really are, what makes them so bitter? I know some ex-fundamentalist Christians who are bitter, but that is because they grew up in super-legalistic homes (like quiver-full homes). But, Mormons are not like Bill Gothard-type wack-jobs, so what causes the bitterness?

Edited February 22, 2013 by Irishcolleen
needed a ? mark

[Guest gopecon]

Colleen - the issue here is that people who specifically use the term "ex-Mormon" tend to be folks who have joined up with the anti-Mormon crowd. They think it gives them credibility to have been a part of the LDS Church and left, having "seen the light". These people have some sort of axe to grind. Maybe it started with something a leader said, maybe it was a doctrinal question that they let consume them. Rarely will you ever see someone use the term who is friendly but apathetic (the likely exception being an excommunicated member who is accurately describing their relationship to the Church).

[ploomf]

I left the Mormon church a few years ago. I'm not bitter or angry or anything, I hope I don't come across that way. There are still many things I love about the church and for a while when I realized I no longer believed in key parts of the Mormon church I even debated with myself about staying in the church just for the things I do like. In the end being honest with myself and others was more important and so I left. At this time I have no plans to return to the church but if I ever felt God was leading me back there I would return. Are some ex-mormons bitter and angry? Yes of course but most I've met aren't, they are just ordinary people trying to live their lives as best they can. The angry and bitter ones are the loudest voices though and so they get the most attention.

[ploomf]

A few people have described "ex-Mormons" as bitter and angry. It is unusual that there is even the term "ex-Mormon". You rarely hear a former Catholic, for example, called "ex-Catholic". Are ex-Mormon really bitter and angry, or is it jut a perception? If they really are, what makes them so bitter? I know some ex-fundamentalist Christians who are bitter, but that is because they grew up in super-legalistic homes (like quiver-full homes). But, Mormons are not like Bill Gothard-type wack-jobs, so what causes the bitterness?

I actually do know some ex-Catholics who call themselves "recovering Catholics", quite a few of them actually. They are usually the ones who have joined another church and want to tell the world about how the Catholic church is a Mary worshiping cult and how they never really knew Jesus until they left.