Feeling Betrayed

[busfeliz]

My husband took up photography as a hobby. He started photographing beautiful women. I didn't like this but I didn't protest because he felt like he finally found something that he was good at and was getting a lot of praise for it. I drew the line at budoir photos though. About a week ago, he lied to me and told me he was taking regular photos when it was acutally a budoir photo shoot. I found out because I found some e-mails back and forth between my husband and this woman. I found other messages from women that I considered inappropriate. I am so crushed by this. Am I overreacting? I really do feel as though he cheated on me. How do I trust him again? I have so much anxiety now, all I can think about is what he is doing and who has he talked to and why. Who has been text messaging him and why. Today I even found myself trying to hack into his facebook account.

[Dravin]

My husband took up photography as a hobby. He started photographing beautiful women. I didn't like this but I didn't protest because he felt like he finally found something that he was good at and was getting a lot of praise for it. I drew the line at budoir photos though. About a week ago, he lied to me and told me he was taking regular photos when it was acutally a budoir photo shoot.

See, that to me indicates he know you didn't want him to do it, did so anyway, and lied to hide it. Baring issues of adultery that isn't healthy behavior in a marriage be it photos, spending money, or sneaking out to play monopoly.

I found out because I found some e-mails back and forth between my husband and this woman. I found other messages from women that I considered inappropriate. I am so crushed by this. Am I overreacting?

Way to many variables involved to answer that. It depends on his behavior, your behavior, the exact nature of your reaction. By and large though if he's trying to hide his photo shoots and communications being concerned seems reasonable.

I really do feel as though he cheated on me. How do I trust him again? I have so much anxiety now, all I can think about is what he is doing and who has he talked to and why. Who has been text messaging him and why. Today I even found myself trying to hack into his facebook account.

I recommend talking with him about your concerns, with a counselor if needful.

[Windseeker]

I'm sorry to hear about this busfeliz. I don't think taking private budoir photo's is appropriate for an active Latter Day Saint or any committed married guy for that matter. Lying is a very serious issue especially about this. I don't think you are overreacting at all. You can start trusting him again when he earns that trust.

I also recommend you see a counselor.

[Jennarator]

Sorry. When it's so hard to gain trust once it's gone. It's going to take some work. I agree with the others, get him to go if you can, but if you can't you find a counselor.

[Wingnut]

As a photographer myself, I see boudoir photos as an art form, not as a trashy thing, which I understand many people do. It's a very polarizing topic.

That said, it sounds like he knew that you weren't comfortable with him shooting boudoir, which is understandable. It also sounds like maybe he previously agreed to work within your terms, and then broke that confidence. That's the problem. The problem is the betrayal and the disregard for your feelings, not the work itself.

Unless he actually had relations with any of his clients, it's a stretch to call what your husband did "cheating." I don't mean to downplay your anger and feelings of betrayal, but in order for cheating to exist, there needs to be something more than a professional relationship.

I don't know what the other messages you found said (and I don't need to), but if they were talking about lingerie or hotels, for example, that's actually pretty appropriate for the type of photography that boudoir entails. It's not uncommon for a photographer (any style) to pre-consult with his/her clients about wardrobe and location choices for a shoot, and it's very common for photographers to shoot boudoir in an upscale hotel, especially when they don't have their own studio.

I probably sound pretty unsympathetic, but there are two sides to every story, and I'm just offering some potential insights into your husband's side.

Bottom line, though, he did betray your trust, and that needs to be addressed.

[busfeliz]

We have talked about this. He admitted he was wrong to lie about the shoot and he admits that he lied because he knew I would be mad because I already asked him not to do it. We have both agreed to go to marriage counseling but it is taking a while to get it set up. In the mean time I am going crazy.

The fact that he knowingly did something that would hurt me so badly was enough to crush me, But on top of all of that, it bothers me that he thinks it's ok (besides the fact that I didn't approve.) As a member of the church holding the priesthood, is it ok for him to be taking sexy photos of women in their underwear? He really doesn't think so.

I can't even stand him talking to girls openly on facebook at this point. And he thinks I am being crazy and controllng. Last night he was looking at a pic of one of his "friends" on facebook and she was wearing very revealing clothing. I asked him who she was and we got into a fight because he didn't like my tone. Apparently my tone was, "why are you friends with that skanky girl" and I agreed. Yes that was my tone! I want to know why you have any business being friends with single women on facebook that dress like hookers. Don't I have the right to ask that?

[busfeliz]

Wingnut...I appreciate hearing the other side of the coin. So you think it is perfectly ok for a member of the church to take these types of photos? We as church members are counseled to steer clear of pornography and this looks like he is fully participating in it. I don't think budoir photos are wrong...In fact, my husband has taken many of me...but for him to take it outside of our marriage and do that with other women doesn't sit right with me. He claims he gets no sexual gratification from it, but I have a very hard time believing that because I know how much he has enjoyed the photos he has taken of me.

Edited February 26, 2013 by busfeliz

[Wingnut]

So you think it is perfectly ok for a member of the church to take these types of photos?

I didn't say that. I said I view boudoir photography as an art form, not as trash. It's been referred to in other threads on this very board as "pornography," and while I understand that point of view, I disagree with it.

I've never shot boudoir myself, though I'm mildly interested in giving it a try someday in the future. I've also never had boudoir photos taken of myself, though I would also be interested in that, given I had a relationship of trust with my photographer. I think it's inappropriate for a married priesthood holder whose wife objects to his shooting boudoir to do it, though.

[Wingnut]

...because I know how much he has enjoyed the photos he has taken of me.

He loves you. Of course he's going to get sexual gratification from seeing and photographing you in your underwear.

[annewandering]

If he is going to take these sort of photos, which I agree is not something I would be happy about, then he needs an assistant. Perhaps an elderly lady. :) Or the bishop.

A man in a room alone with sexy undressed ladies is not appropriate. Even if he was a eunuch.

[Wingnut]

If he is going to take these sort of photos, which I agree is not something I would be happy about, then he needs an assistant. Perhaps an elderly lady. :) Or the bishop.

A man in a room alone with sexy undressed ladies is not appropriate. Even if he was a eunuch.

I agree that an assistant is a good idea. It helps protect both parties, much as during a pelvic exam at the doctor's office. It just means one more person for the client to take her clothes off in front of, though.

[busfeliz]

Wingnut...Are you married? And would your wife approve of you taking these types of photos?

Not only is the nature of the photos that bothers me, but it is the way he has gone about photography as a whole. #1 He bought thousands of dollars worth of equipment without my knowledge #2 he has only gotten paid for 2 shoots, the others he does as a hobby (thus not as a job to support his family.) #3 He seeks out beautiful women to shoot...meaning he hunts around on facebook and slowly develops relationships with women until he feels comfortable enough to ask them to do a photoshoot. This inevitably involves a lot of flirting. How appropriate is that behavior?

[annewandering]

I agree that an assistant is a good idea. It helps protect both parties, much as during a pelvic exam at the doctor's office. It just means one more person for the client to take her clothes off in front of, though.

And? My husbands first wife did this and sent him a photo while he was at sea in the Navy. Instead of being happy all he wondered is who did the photo.

Besides the wife of the photographer, perhaps thought ought to be given to the spouse or SO of the client.

I just have trouble seeing any good side to this at all.

If you want an art shot of a scantily clad lady then hire a model. Or would that then make it pornography?

[busfeliz]

He loves you. Of course he's going to get sexual gratification from seeing and photographing you in your underwear.

Are you suggesting that men are not turned on by women in lingerie if they are not in love whith them? How can you take a "sexy budiour shoot" and not get the least bit turned on? That is the nature of the photos.

[pam]

Wingnut...Are you married? And would your wife approve of you taking these types of photos?

Wingnut is married to her husband. Now I can't answer the other question for her. :)

[busfeliz]

Wingnut is married to her husband. Now I can't answer the other question for her. :)

Sorry I assumed wingnut was male

[Backroads]

Wingnut...Are you married? And would your wife approve of you taking these types of photos?

Wingnut is actually a lady unless I've been confused the past couple of years. This and her different view on the photos may or may not be applicable to your situation.

Not only is the nature of the photos that bothers me, but it is the way he has gone about photography as a whole. #1 He bought thousands of dollars worth of equipment without my knowledge #2 he has only gotten paid for 2 shoots, the others he does as a hobby (thus not as a job to support his family.) #3 He seeks out beautiful women to shoot...meaning he hunts around on facebook and slowly develops relationships with women until he feels comfortable enough to ask them to do a photoshoot. This inevitably involves a lot of flirting. How appropriate is that behavior?

I find all these very, very odd, especially #3. It would be one thing (to me) to be a photographer and have people seek you out. Now, I have friends and a sister who are photographers, and I get they have to put themselves out there and hunt for clients. But for photography of this nature? I find it extremely inappropriate.

[Wingnut]

Wingnut...Are you married? And would your wife approve of you taking these types of photos?

I am married. I can't speak for my husband, but I think that if I were to pursue boudoir as part of my portfolio, that he might have some reservations about it. But we would discuss it, and I would agree to work within boundaries that he is comfortable with. That might mean that he's comfortable with me shooting women, but not men, and not men and women together (some people do couples boudoir). He might not be comfortable with me editing the photos around our daughters or while he's in the room.

Not only is the nature of the photos that bothers me, but it is the way he has gone about photography as a whole. #1 He bought thousands of dollars worth of equipment without my knowledge #2 he has only gotten paid for 2 shoots, the others he does as a hobby (thus not as a job to support his family.) #3 He seeks out beautiful women to shoot...meaning he hunts around on facebook and slowly develops relationships with women until he feels comfortable enough to ask them to do a photoshoot. This inevitably involves a lot of flirting. How appropriate is that behavior?

I don't think that behavior is appropriate. Seeking clients through referrals, networking, and marketing is appropriate. Flirting with them is not. Spending that much money without your knowledge is not appropriate, in my opinion, but it depends on the rules you and he have set within your marriage regarding finances. Like I said before, there is more to this than the photographs themselves.

And? My husbands first wife did this and sent him a photo while he was at sea in the Navy. Instead of being happy all he wondered is who did the photo.

Besides the wife of the photographer, perhaps thought ought to be given to the spouse or SO of the client.

I just have trouble seeing any good side to this at all.

If you want an art shot of a scantily clad lady then hire a model. Or would that then make it pornography?

Most women who get boudoir shoots do it for their spouses/significant others. They are usually thinking of exactly that person when they go through the process. Photographers don't usually shoot boudoir just to get "an art shot of a scantily clad lady."

[busfeliz]

I find all these very, very odd, especially #3. It would be one thing (to me) to be a photographer and have people seek you out. Now, I have friends and a sister who are photographers, and I get they have to put themselves out there and hunt for clients. But for photography of this nature? I find it extremely inappropriate.

He was not originally seeking out budoir shoots...just more like glamour photography. It's the women that have asked him to do the budior shoots after he takes the glamour shots.

[Backroads]

Are you suggesting that men are not turned on by women in lingerie if they are not in love whith them? How can you take a "sexy budiour shoot" and not get the least bit turned on? That is the nature of the photos.

I think what Wingnut meant is that there is nothing wrong with your husband being turned on by such a photo of you. I'm sure we all agree with that, and I'm sure all of us wives would not be happy if our husbands weren't turned on by our bodies to some degree.

For the rest of the thought, I agree with you. The average male, by nature, is designed to be turned on by the image of a scantily-clad woman. Which means they all best be careful at what images they are seeking out.

[Backroads]

He was not originally seeking out budoir shoots...just more like glamour photography. It's the women that have asked him to do the budior shoots after he takes the glamour shots.

It's not so much about the shots... I'm more concerned about how he's seeking clients.

[busfeliz]

It's not so much about the shots... I'm more concerned about how he's seeking clients.

My sentiments exactly...of course I am not ok with the budoir shots of other women (me I am perfectly ok with.) But I feel very uncomfortable with the relationships he is cultivating out there on facebook no matter what types of photos he is taking.

[annewandering]

Most women who get boudoir shoots do it for their spouses/significant others. They are usually thinking of exactly that person when they go through the process. Photographers don't usually shoot boudoir just to get "an art shot of a scantily clad lady."

I just dont get how they are ok. There is clear sexual intent so how it is appropriate to get people out of the marriage involved? Does anyone believe they are planning on putting the photographs on the living room wall?

Maybe some guys are ok with some other guy taking photos of their wife semi nude. My husband was furious and hurt that his first wife did that.

The OP's husband is behaving in a rather expensive way to see real life nude/semi women. My gosh it is an oldtime way to con girls and women. Hand out the photographers card to pretty women or girls to get them into a private room to have a 'fun' session. Using facebook is just a new version of the business cards.

I would not trust him an inch. Sorry for being so suspicious but the situation does not met any kind of criteria for trust.

[MorningStar]

Oh, what the heck! I would be livid!

I have a female photographer friend who does boudoir photography and I think it's tacky. I would rather that sort of thing be kept private and I really don't see how a man taking photos of a scantily clad woman is appropriate in any circumstance.

If what he's doing is so appropriate, he should be able to take you along or cc you in his emails. The fact that he is seeking women out is weird and if they want that kind of photo, he can be a big boy and say, "I don't do that kind." That should be discussed before the shoot.

Frankly, if my husband were doing the exact same thing, I would tell him, "You're not a photographer. You're a creepy guy with an expensive camera!"

You have the right to question him about his inappropriate Facebook friendships. His defensiveness just shows he's up to no good. Don't let him turn it around on you when he is clearly out of line.

[annewandering]

Frankly, if my husband were doing the exact same thing, I would tell him, "You're not a photographer. You're a creepy guy with an expensive camera!"

Don't let him turn it around on you when he is clearly out of line.

Exactly. And very creepy.